..Chapter Forty-Three..
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Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
..
.
The rush came shattering to a solid halt as all of his muscles tightened up and took to ceasing momentum. The fire he felt everytime he did that discharged and just... dissipated. He hadn't even made a sound; not even as he whole body came to a pause.
He exhaled slowly and allowed his form to relax. It'd been quite a while since he'd forced himself to that speed. It'd been a while since he'd wanted to. And from the looks of it, he noted as he glanced around, there was no need to worry about revealing anything about himself to his new charge too soon. They appeared to have not arrived yet.
He shook his head and reached for the pack on his back, setting it down on the bench. He had no idea how much longer he'd be here. For all he knew, they might have a habit of being as late as he generally was. He or she could have any number of habits he didn't know about. The smart thing, he now realized, would have been to ask Minato who he was spending the next year with on part time status. A bit late to change his mind though, huh? At least if he had a file to read over before meeting them he'd be somewhat prepared.
He jerked his his head around as a snap was heard from behind. His one open eye narrowed as he located the source of the noise. A shadow was in the brush about ten feet from him standing fully erect at a height that nearly matched his own. It was then he realized, as he saw the hint of lavender-white, that this must be who he was waiting for.
Gruffly, he muttered out, "Are you coming out or not? This isn't the Academy, rookie. You're ANBU now. Leave the stealth moves for the mission and don't waste your chakra." He really didn't care how harsh he sounded. If they wanted someone to blame they could very well blame Minato for forcing him into this position.
Kakashi hadn't really had any assumptions in regards to his new team mate. Because, really, no matter what he'd agreed to, he had no intention of fully accepting them as that in his mind. Minato might call them his partner, the mission roster might list them as a team, but to Kakashi it was just someone with the unfortunate luck of having ended up with him. Someone who likely had no clue as to what they were really getting into; what kind of storm they were stepping in the middle of. Someone who would never, ever, replace the beautiful, powerful and strong young woman he'd had the honor of fighting along side with for nearly four amazing years.
No, Kakashi had no assumptions aside from the ones that told him to pull up whatever wall he had firmly in place before everyone else that much higher in front of this person who was unknowingly treading on sacred ground. Yet... he did anything but pull up that wall as they came from the shadows. No, if anything, he felt it crack slightly, unwillingly.
His breath caught as the world around him turned to a haze. Lights scattered in his peripheral vision. Everything danced about him like a technicolor stream in a kaleidoscope. If it was a dream he didn't want to wake up. If his mind was really toying with him again he didn't want it to stop.
There She was, ambient in the light around Her. The glow of a streetlamp surrounded Her like a halo; like a beacon in his darkest hour, as he saw Her in brightest corners of his mind. He swallowed slowly as his sight remained fixed on Her.
"Sakura..?" He breathed out, whispered as his nerves stood on edge. And then, as She lifted Her head to look at him, emerald pools staring up at him, the memory, the dream peaked. All he saw was her, smiling in her new uniform; into the camera next to him.
"Kakashi?"
And then it was all gone. Anything he thought, anything he assumed, was lost. A slow and quiet rage like none he had ever known before crept along the base of his skull. It danced along his spine like dread. It moved, spanned and filled out every fiber of his being until all he could see was the pain. He couldn't see that she had nothing to do with what he'd seen before, what he wanted to see so badly his imagination had conjured it up in a way that would make him happy.
No, instead he just glared at her, even as she jumped in wide eyed fear. He'd never been so furious in his life, never so angry. He'd never wanted to physically hurt someone so badly in all his existence. It took everything he had just to calm down. It took every bit of his sheer force of will to remain fixed where he was as his mind slowly started to shift back; as his heart rate slowly began to dim down.
And as this happened, a whole new feeling wedged itself into his heart: betrayal. He'd known Minato had been up to something when he's offered him ANBU. But whatever he'd thought up at the time, over the last week, didn't even come close to this. Especially when the woman before him had become something he hadn't altogether expected in that same amount of time.
"What kind of game are you two playing at?" His voice was hoarse, harsh and nothing but a mere whisper.
Sakura took a step back as he advanced on her slowly. She blinked up at him and her jaw set. Every nerve, every bone in her body, everything her teacher had ever instilled in her screamed out to fight back in some way. What was she suppose to say?
"I-I-," she began, trying to quell her nerves. "Kakashi I--."
He interrupted her. "I mean, I knew when he hung that fuckin' scrap in front of my face he was up to something. But this? You? Do you have any idea what you're doing; who you're... replacing?" The final word was spat out at her. He shook his head, laughing bitterly as he ran a hand through his erratic strands of silver. "I should have known. I almost feel sorry for you. You probably had no idea what he was up to, no matter what I might have considered seconds ago... then again... who knows. Reality seems so frail these days..." His eyes shut tightly as he tried to force down the erratic beating of his heart and cries of his emotions.
"Minato had nothing do with my choice," she said sternly and reached for his upper arm. "I chose for you to be my sponsor, Kakashi. I did." She almost flinched as he ripped away from her, as if she'd stung his skin. "I--!"
"No, don't," he muttered out. "You really are just as much as fault. At the very least for not telling me this entire time. For lying to me." His tone rose higher, yelling as he backed away from her. "Why didn't you just ask me? Why didn't you tell me? Months ago? A week ago even!" His arms expressed his feelings and tone with each and every break of a sentence.
Her jaw drew tight and she too tried to force down the beating of her heart. But she would not be bullied because he couldn't handle this. She'd made a vow to herself before she came here. A vow just as strong as the one she'd made to him. "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react this way regardless!" She yelled back. "I had hoped, if I spent some time with you, got close to you in some way... I..."
"You what?" He seethed. "You hoped it might make the transition easier, sweetheart? You hoped you might have some cold chance in hell of filling that gap? Newsflash!" He spoke out in a still angered tone, lashed out like a knife. "No one will ever be able to do that. That place, by my side," he said as he pointed to his chest, "That's Her place. Not yours. Not anyone's. You will never again see another person walk the earth in your lifetime who was half the woman Kaioh Sakura was. Never," he hissed out venomously.
He took a step forward, with no regard to personal pace and poked her in the chest, forcing her to walk back a few steps with the sheer force of it. "You might have her face, her voice, her eyes and even her damned hair--."
"That's not my fault!" She yelled back, feeling the need to defend herself once more.
"Shut up!" He retorted, fists at his sides. "Don't you think I know that? Better than anyone?" When she said nothing more he continued. "You might wear Her uniform. You might know some of Her techniques because I taught them to you. But, no matter what I pretend to see or what you're trying to accomplish... no one... not even you... will ever.." he choked out, "be half the shinobi the woman I loved was..." The last of his words died down to a violent whisper of half desperation and he took a step back; as if trying to grasp at what dignity he had left.
All was silent for a long while after that. Nothing but the crickets and few stout chirping of birds in the distance echoed in the night. Their screams and yells were nothing but a memory in the aftermath of his pain. and Sakura didn't know he had been trying to convince her of something... or himself. But regardless, she wasn't giving up.
"I'm not trying to replace anyone," she bit out softly as her lips drew a flat line. "Quit being so fucking selfish," she ordered.
His eyes, both of them, flashed to her, open and ready to fight again. "Wh--."
"Shut up and sit down!" She yelled out, shoving him into the concrete bench to do as she'd ordered. Her eyes narrowed on his as she bent over him, hands on her hips. "I didn't join ANBU to hurt you. Minato didn't assign you as my sponsor because he wanted to hurt you. I did this because I wanted it! I chose you because, yes," she laughed out sarcastically, "I do love you. Because as the years passed my admiration for you turned into something more. I chose you because I know you're more than capable of being by my side. Do you really think this is all about you? Do you really think so highly of yourself that it isn't possible to imagine for a moment that maybe, I'm sacrificing something myself by accepting you as my partner? Well?"
When he didn't say anything she opted to continue, albeit this time with a less higher tone. "I doubt very seriously that you remember, Hatake, but I know because I do my research. Years ago, choosing your one year partner in ANBU was something each person did with careful consideration. Whomever you paired yourself with would have to be someone you not only trusted with your life, but someone you could depend on. All it took was one damned mistake," she snapped her fingers, "one slip up... and you could end up blaming yourself for decades over a death was no one's fault but your own." When she paused and he still didn't say anything she continued again.
"So, Hatake," she said harshly, crisply, "when I chose you, it wasn't because I was playing a game with Minato... it was because I don't mind placing my life," she whispered confidently, "in your hands." Sakura slowly stepped away from him and exhaled as she crossed her arms over her chest. After an admission like that, she wasn't sure what he would say. But it was all true, as true as it had been over fifteen years ago in a very different time.
She knew he'd be upset. She knew he would be mad. She knew he was going to lash out at her like he did. Maybe she hadn't expected it to go quite like this, but she knew the fight was still long from over. No matter what he ended up deciding tonight about the both of them he still wasn't going to do this willingly. No matter what Minato said.
"Fine," he ground out as he stood up. "I, at the very least, can respect someone who took the time to learn what being on the other side of this match up use to mean." As her narrowed eyes turned to his, curious but cautious he continued. "That doesn't mean I accept you. At all," he went on quickly, sternly. "Don't take it personally, Sakura... I just..."
"I know," she whispered, her face softening as she turned her eyes from his. "It wouldn't matter if it was me or someone else. I was fully prepared for that when I came out here. Especially after what you told me last night." Her eyes narrowed a fraction more. "I told you... I'm not a child anymore. And I'm certainly not kidding myself, Kakashi. Anyone who did would be stupid. And that," she said strongly as she squared her shoulders, "is something I've never been."
"Yes," he replied with less hatred in his voice and more understanding. "I know." He turned around to his pack and began to open it.
"What are you doing?"
He didn't respond just yet as he pulled the thin, white box from his bag. He latched it shut and turned to her, shoving it into her hands. "Here. This is yours."
She blinked a few times, unsure as she stared down at the box. And then realization dawned on her. "Is this...?"
He nodded. "Your mask. I picked it up earlier today. But, to be honest, I haven't looked at it yet." He shrugged. "When the teams once consisted of two new recruits fresh for the field they use to--."
"Exchange the masks," she finished with a smile as she stared down at the box. "I know." When he didn't say anything else she reached for the edge of the lid and slowly opened it. The top was placed under the box as she pulled back the white, protective tissue paper. And there... nestled in the comfort of it's cardboard container... was something that made her breath catch.
The box dropped to the ground with a clatter as she took out the mask. There, scattered across the cover of the piece were a flourish of reddish-pink cherry blossoms. There was no mouth, much like Haku's had once had none. Only two eye holes. And at the top, in the center of the forehead was the Leaf symbol.
Her old mask.
An exact replica of the one in her bag back home.
She looked up to see Kakashi's reaction. However, whatever he felt over the result was hidden behind a cool mask of indifference. She swallowed slowly and looked back at the porcelain piece.
"Your mask is designed in consideration of your code name," he said softly. "You should know yours already."
Sakura blinked up at him and realized he was asking her something. But she must have been taking too long to respond, because he said, "Well, what's yours?" Her mind drifted back...
...
"Well, what's yours?" Sakura asked as she sat down next to him. "They say we have to tell them before we get our masks."
Kakashi nodded as he stared up at the clouds. "Yeah, apparently, whatever code name we choose helps them design the faces."
"Really?" She perked up, nibbling on a powdered doughnut. And then she frowned. "You still haven't answered my question."
"Which one?" He yawned out.
She shoved him lightly. "The question about your code name. You've picked one right? We need to know by tonight. That's the deadline."
He shrugged. "I dunno, I was thinking something like... White Tiger..." When he heard laughter he turned on his side to face her and looked up from where he lay down in the grass. "What?" He grinned like a child. "Too much?"
She snorted. "A bit."
"Oh yeah, well, what about you, huh? If you think that's bad you must have thought of something better for yourself."
"Of course I did," she replied confidently before popping another doughnut in her mouth.
"And?"
She rolled her eyes at his impatient nosiness. "If you must know... I was thinking about Lotus." At his snort of laughter her gaze suddenly turned narrowed as she looked down and over at him. "What? Too much?" She mimicked. "Whatever, if you think you can do so much better then spit it out."
"Ha, fine. On one condition."
"Which is?"
"Whatever I pick you have to keep."
She arched a brow and thought it over. Her lips pursed as she tapped her chin. "Fine. But I get to choose yours under the same conditions. Deal?"
He took her offered hand and shook on it. "Deal. I get to go first though."
She rolled her eyes again. "Yeah yeah, just remember whatever you pick I'm still picking afterward. And you have to keep it."
He just smiled. "I'll call you..."
...
"Cherry," she replied as the memory left her. Before he could manage any sort of reply she asked, "and yours?"
...
Sakura stuck her tongue out a him. "I guess that's not so bad. But you know what I'm calling you?"
"Hm?"
...
"Crow," his voice responded softly as the same memory left him him moments after her.
