Disclaimer: See chapter one.
First up, apologies to anyone I made cry/teary with the last chapter...and a disclaimer that I can't promise you can put your tissues away just yet! I had intended to move the plot along a little in this chapter but once I got to writing, it turned out Gina and Fausto had more to say than I anticipated. So whilst this is a fair bit longer chapter than the previous one, it still centres around the same day as the last chapter. Maybe next installment, the muse will let us see what's in store the other side of midnight and beyond!
Next up, the much deserved thanks to all of you for reading this, especially those who take the time to let me know what you think, either by way of a review, a message or on Twitter. I really do love all your feedback and take any comments, suggestions or reservations onboard when muse and I sit down to write. Welcome to new readers & reviewers, welcome back to those who've been with this a while and let's all throw a party for making it through over three hundred thousand words! Whoooo, long voyage this is turning out to be!
And so, without further wittering, onwards...
Monday March 9th 2009
19.39
Fausto's restaurant, East 4th Street
By the time Liv had walked the four miles to Gina and Fausto's restaurant, she was freezing cold and soaked to the bone from the sleet which had begun to fall not long after she left the memorial park. Her feet were so chilled they were partially numb and her leather jacket was doing very little fend off the biting cold night air. She decided that she had no desire to traipse through the main body of the restaurant, looking like a drowned rat and feeling as emotionally drained as she was, and so opted to tread the familiar path down the side alley to the side door. With a little effort, she raised a weary hand to knock leaning heavily on the surrounding stonework for support as she waited for someone to answer.
"Olivia! Oh my goodness, dear girl, get yourself in here!" Fausto fussed, unusually flustered by the brunette's appearance. "Come, come, sit by the fire while I fetch some towels and find Gina." He steered her into the living accommodation attached to the eatery, guiding her into a chair which he pulled right up close to the roaring open fire. "Stay here, warm up a little and I'll be right back with my wife." The older man bustled off, marching through their home as though on a military route march, hollering his wife's name as he went.
"For the love of God, man, what is the emergency?" she bellowed when the two finally met in a hallway a short way from the lounge where Fausto had left their daughter's fiancée.
"We have company. She's frozen and soaked and looks like Death himself is on her heels," Fausto supplied quietly.
"Olivia?" Gina queried, wanting to be sure. Her husband nodded, slipping around her generous frame and ducking into the bathroom to retrieve some towels from the closet. Gina relieved him of them as soon as he exited, taking it upon herself to play mother hen to the woman who seemed lax at taking care of herself. "Why don't you put some of your soup on to heat up? I doubt she'll have eaten and that will warm her and give her nutrition without over-facing her." Fausto nodded his agreement, hurrying off in the direction of their own kitchen to do as he was bid.
Gina strode into the lounge, tossing the towels onto the floor in a heap beside the fireside chair, eyes immediately alighting on the slumped form of her pseudo-daughter-in-law. Liv was leant forward as though she wanted to hug the flames, arms wrapped around her upper body as shivers raced through her. "Let's get some of those cold, wet layers off you, shall we?" the matriarch cooed, treating the brunette as she would her own daughter, helping her out of the sodden leather jacket, so damp it looked almost black. Her button down shirt beneath it had faired almost as badly with large patches of water-logged cotton clinging to Liv's upper back, where the sleet had fallen down the neckline of her jacket, and a panel down the centre of her torso from where she had neglected to fasten her coat. "This needs to go too, honey," Gina advised softly, unbuttoning the soaked garment and helping Liv manoeuvre her arms out of the sleeves, leaving her in a plain pale green tank. Goosebumps erupted over every inch of exposed flesh, telegraphing the brunette's need for heat. Unfolding one of the large plush bath sheets Fausto had retrieved, Gina carefully wrapped it around shaking broad shoulders. She rubbed her hands up and down the younger woman's upper arms for a few moments, creating friction and generating a little additional heat. After a moment, the older Camanetti woman glanced at Olivia's boot encased feet. Despite the blackness of the plastic uppers, she could easily distinguish water marks where those too were soaked through. With a heavy sigh, she set about unfastening the zippers on each boot, tenderly instructing Liv when to lift her feet to aid her relieving the detective of her footwear, the soggy black socks following suit and being laid out to dry on the hearth. Another large, fluffy towel was wrapped around the frigid extremities, tucked in tightly to create a cosy cocoon. "I think your pants are not too bad, if you're more comfortable leaving them on?" Gina asked, clutching at various parts of the leg material, checking there were no horrendously damp spots.
"They're fine…" Liv insisted, reaching for Gina's hands and stilling them with her own, clinging on to them fiercely. "I am so sorry for not being there this afternoon. How are you and Fausto holding up?"
Gina rose to her feet, shoulders sagging at the reminder of where she and her husband had spent part of their day. She perched beside Liv on the chair arm, using a hand towel to pat the brunette's hair dry, or at least drier than it had been. Liv leant into the tender touch, relishing the feeling of being taken care of in such a maternal fashion. Even as she allowed herself to enjoy it, her heart ached at the realisation it might be the last time she would get to experience such things with the affectionate Italian.
"We are as you'd expect I suppose. Just as you start to think the wound is healing a little at least, along comes something else to remind you that you're not getting over her loss after all. Hearing her life being reduced to a bank account and a meagre collection of belongings… Well, a large part of me is glad you didn't have to go through that as well." Gina wrapped an arm around Liv's shoulders, pulling her in close and holding her tightly to her, aiding the warming process with her own body heat as well as drawing her own comfort from the embrace.
"I wish I had been…for you, so I could have supported you. I…I shouldn't have let myself get caught up in the case…" Liv murmured regretfully.
"Nonsense," Gina blurted, interrupting the younger woman before she could offer any further self-deprecating excuses. "You were doing what you had to, what you must do to keep people from being harmed by evil ones such as those who took Samia from us. My baby girl would not have wanted it any differently. She knew you took your work very seriously when she ventured into a relationship with you and she admired you all the more for your dedication to the job." For long moments neither woman spoke further, simply resting against one another in quiet solemnity.
Fausto strode into the room carrying a folding card table under his arm and all the makings of a place setting in his hands. He passed the cutlery to his wife for her to hold while he erected the makeshift dining table. Without a word, he swiftly placed everything where it should be. Liv looked between the table and the two parents, protestations dying on her lips at their matching expressions of determination. "Don't you think to argue with us, young lady. It's just a bowl of soup and a bread roll, nothing fancy but will warm you better than most other things I know. I'll get you an Irish coffee to go with it, that should guarantee you thaw out in no time," Fausto announced gruffly, clearly not intending on taking no for an answer.
"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this," Liv complained plaintively, head dropping forward.
"Why? Why would you say that? What would make you think you don't warrant being cared for like a decent human being?" Gina questioned hotly, rubbing one hand in smooth circles across the taut line between Liv's shoulder blades, trying to soothe the tension she felt there.
"Because… because…" The brunette's heart hammered in her chest, pulse thundering in her ears as her breathing grew shallow and the world began to recede in a cloud of white. "Because I love someone else," she managed to force out in between shallow pants, determined to see the conversation through and not submit to the panic attack threatening to overwhelm her.
Gina let go of her as if scalded, standing abruptly from the chair arm. "This was going on before my Sami died? You were having an affair?"
"No!" Liv cried desperately, tears streaming over her cheeks once more as she struggled to explain the dilemma she found herself faced with. "No, I would never do that to Sam. I… There's… It's complicated." Liv took a moment to compose herself, sucking in deep, slow breaths and releasing them steadily as her PTSD counsellor had taught her to do. Charitably, despite their anxiousness to know what was going on, Fausto and Gina kept their counsel, choosing to wait for further explanation before jumping to any more conclusions. "You were some way to being right the other day, Gina, about Alex. I had feelings for Alex long before I met your daughter, feelings that never amounted to anything because Alex was shot in an attempt on her life. She was pronounced to the world as having been killed but was really put into the Witness Protection Programme, had to leave everything behind – her job, her family, her friends, her entire life, without the chance to say goodbye – for years until the man responsible was killed and the threat receded. I buried my feelings for her even though I knew she was alive and out there and might possibly return some day but I never really moved on…not until I met Sam. Your daughter… your beautiful, angelic, miraculous daughter taught me how to not just love again but to live again too. And I was so very happy with her, even when Alex came back into my life, I wanted for nothing beyond that which I shared with Samia. No matter what else you might think of me, please, please don't doubt that I truly love Sam and I always, always will. She was quite possibly the most remarkable, most genuine, most selfless person I have ever had the good fortune to meet. That day…in the diner…before she died, she made me promise her that I would let myself love again, that I wouldn't use her death as an excuse to hide away from all the good that life has to offer. I think maybe she knew… that I still had strong feelings for Alex even though I had never and would never have acted on them while I was with Sam."
"You think she gave you her permission, her consent, to follow what you felt for Alex? What you feel for Alex?" Gina asked, her voice no more than a whisper.
"In her own way, yes, I think she was," Liv replied equally as quietly, visibly trembling as she laid her heart on the line and exposed herself to rejection from the closest thing she had ever known to a real family. "I don't imagine she envisaged it happening for a long time after she was gone and if I'm completely honest, neither did I, but I can't help the way I feel for Alex any more than I could help how I feel about Samia."
"How can you be so sure you're not just transferring your feelings for Sami onto Alex? They look so alike, I can see how you would do that," Gina persisted, struggling to comprehend what the curvaceous brunette was trying to tell them.
"And I would think the same…had I not felt this way about her for a very long time. Until very recently, even though I acknowledged I had stronger than just friendship type feelings for Alex, I assumed nothing could come of them, firstly because as far as I knew she was straight and totally uninterested in pursuing any kind of relationship with me or any other woman. Secondly, latterly, I was the one who wouldn't, couldn't, didn't have the drive to act on it…because I was so besotted, so smitten with the woman I was already in a relationship with. Had Sam survived, I'm confident we never would have been having this conversation. I would have married her and made it my life's work to keep her as happy as I possibly could. But unfortunately, I can't do that. That chance has been stolen from us much like I thought my chance with Alex had been taken by the bullet which 'killed' her for so long. How long do I wait for that last chance to be snatched away as well? No matter what you think of me, I can promise you that no one could hate me more than I hate myself for even considering a life without Sami in it."
"If Alex loves you, she would wait forever for you," Gina argued sourly, the conversation physically paining her.
"That's a little unfair, to expect them both to simply exist in an agonising state of limbo until you're ready to accept that Olivia must live her life for the future now," Fausto suggested, attempting to placate his wife.
"And you're ok with her moving on to someone else? Doesn't it seem like she's casting your daughter aside as soon as another good looking woman shows an interest?" the matriarch spat back, crowding her husband as her temper threatened to spike.
"What I see is a woman whose heart is too big to be spending a life alone pining for a love she can't have and another she daren't allow herself to pursue. What I see is a woman clearly struggling to make sense of what has happened, find some kind of peace with it and honour our daughter's final wish for her, no matter what the personal cost to herself. What I see is a young woman giving us the gift of her honesty despite knowing what she stands to lose if we cannot find it in our hearts to give her our blessing. Part of being in a family is accepting that we might not always agree with the decisions of those we care for, nor may we always understand or accept them, but also realising that it doesn't ever change the depth of our love and respect for them. Love and the expression of it should never be used as an excuse to divide a family. To do so undermines the very fabric of that love." Fausto stepped towards his daughter's fiancée as he spoke, pulling her to her feet and wrapping her in a firm embrace. "Give her time," he whispered into her ear. "She'll realise, when she's had chance to digest it, that this is what you need to do." Pulling away slightly, he announced in a clearer voice, "you will always be welcome in my home, Olivia, as one of my family. No future relationship you choose to explore will change the fact that you are one of us now."
Expectant eyes turned towards where Gina remained rooted to the spot. She wore an expression of deep sorrow, eyes filled with a pain which tore at Liv's soul. "Gina…please…don't shut me out," she pled, voice cracking with emotion. "Even if you need to scream at me, curse me out, hell even hit me, please do whatever you need to do but don't shut me out."
"I'm sorry…I…I can't…I'm sorry, I can't," the older woman cried as she turned and fled, sobbing, from the room. Liv stood, shaking, eyes fixed on the door Gina had disappeared through, heartbroken expression on her face.
"Sit down, Liv. Let me fetch that soup for you and you can eat and warm up properly while I go and talk to my wife."
The brunette allowed herself to be manoeuvred back into the chair before offering feeble objections. "No, I should go, my being here is only hurting her more."
"It's doing no such thing. The situation is hurting her. The Will reading today certainly hurt her. You are not hurting her by trying to do what you must to survive. But you cannot survive on love alone, so you'll eat soup, you'll warm by the fire and once your clothes are dry, you will go find your Alex and show her you love her." Fausto swept out of the room without giving his guest the opportunity to reply, leaving her little choice but to stay where she was. Suddenly, despite the fire roaring in the grate, that soul-deep chill had returned which would not be thawed by any amount of flames or hot food.
Monday March 9th 2009
19.47
Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place
Alex wearily threw her pencil down onto the jotter protecting the surface of her smooth, rich mahogany desk, blowing out a tired sigh and rubbing her hands over her face. She hadn't heard from Olivia since the woman had left her office earlier in the day and while she was anxious to know the older woman was alright, she was also loathe to contact her for fear of appearing overprotective or too clingy. As though summoned by sheer will, her cell phone began vibrating, travelling in tiny increments across the polished wooden surface. She snatched up the tiny device, glancing at the caller ID display and trying not to sound as disappointed as she felt when answering the call.
"Abbie, hi! What can I do for you?"
"Hey Alex, I just wanted to let you know that things are pretty much wrapped up here – at least from a preparatory point of view – so I'm heading back to New York. I've got a seat on the Red Eye so the Texan will be back in town by breakfast time! You up for an early morning meeting over coffee and bagels? I figured you could catch me up on the latest developments in the case and then while you're doing your day job, I can catch a few hours sleep before I touch base with Detectives Sykes and Morientes." Abbie's voice sounded buoyant down the phone line, as though she was well-rested in preparation for her travels despite having been working hard.
"Umm yeah…yeah I can do breakfast. I have a court appointment tomorrow afternoon, need to persuade a judge that a real, sick piece of work deserves to stay behind bars and shouldn't be let out on a technicality," Alex replied, knowing her fatigue was seeping into her voice. "What time's your plane getting in? I'll arrange a car to meet you and bring you to the office."
"No need, I'll take a cab. You sure you want to do it at the office? I mean, meet up at the office," Abbie corrected herself, hoping Alex didn't take it as an assumption she would be a willing fuck-buddy again. The Texan knew the lie of the land had changed and had no interest in getting her butt handed to her by Olivia Benson. "We could talk over breakfast in a cafe somewhere closer to your apartment, save you having to come out so early?"
"It's fine really. If we meet at the office, you can start looking over Jackson's journals – though you might want to hang fire on that until after you've eaten. I've lost count of the number of times I've lost my appetite thanks to his ramblings. So, what time?"
Abbie growled into the phone at the sheer stubbornness she was encountering. "My flight lands at five am. I can promise you I am not meeting you at the office at that time so I will catch a cab to a motel, catch an hour's sleep, maybe a shower and meet you at Hogan Place around eight if that suits you? And I'm providing breakfast – me this time, not the Federal Government - so hit me up with your order and no skimping, ok?"
"Don't take that tone with me, Carmichael. Liv is still staying at my place and I will not discuss this where she might overhear. So I will see you at my office at eight am. Just bran muffin and a Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte will do me for breakfast, I don't like to eat much before court." Alex leant back in her chair, feeling the muscles in her lower back object at the long hours she had been putting in at her desk.
"OK fine, eight am, your office with a highly exciting bran muffin and Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte – not that you have any reason to need a skinny anything, Miss I-disappear-if-I-turn-sideways! So are you home already for the night?" Abbie asked, knowing when she was beaten and moving on to what she hoped was a safer topic of conversation.
"No, I'm still at the office. There are a lot of cases I'm juggling at the moment, all of them demanding my attention so I'm giving it to them. It's the least I can do after all the work the detectives have put in to bringing them this far," Alex replied, sounding as though she was trying desperately to convince herself every bit as much as she was attempting to convince her friend.
"I'm sure that's true but even from this end of the phone I can tell you're beyond ready to call it quits for the day. And you know that from tomorrow, I'll be around to take a chunk of the workload off you, at least where the Camanetti case is concerned, so cut yourself some slack and head home already. Don't make me call Olivia and have her come drag you out of there." Though there was a teasing edge to Abbie's tone, the blonde ADA realised that she would in fact do just that if she thought it was in Alex's best interests.
"Did anyone ever tell you you're incredibly bossy, Abbie? In a passive aggressive kind of way but bossy all the same," she complained, despite following orders and beginning to tidy away the contents of her desk. Stifling a yawn, she acknowledged, "I'm packing up, boss, ok?"
"I'm staying on the line until I hear the elevator ding. I don't care if you don't speak to me between now and then but I'm not hanging up until I know you've actually left the office and are on your way out of the building! Of course, I'd much prefer it if you did chat to me or I might be inclined to ramble endlessly into the dead space and who knows what I might tell you in the time it takes for you to get on board that elevator?" Alex couldn't help but chuckle at the marginally older woman's antics.
"Since when did I give you so much reason not to trust me at my word?" she couldn't help but ask playfully.
"You didn't. I'm a lawyer, naturally sceptical by nature as you well know. I recognise a lot of myself in you, Alex and I know if I was juggling half the case load you are at the moment, I'd be burning the midnight oil every chance I got too. But I also want you firing on all cylinders when this all heats up with Jackson and O'Keefe. I have a feeling we're going to need all our wits about us to pin those two slippery scumbags to the wall." Abbie paused, listening to the sounds of drawers being locked and an attaché case being closed. "So, you have any plans any night this week or can I interest you in dinner one evening?"
"Abbie, we can't…hook up like we did last time. Things have changed, with Liv and I. We've talked about how we feel, the fact we want to see if we stand any chance of being together and no matter what she says to me about her being ok if I see other people until she's ready, I…I can't do it to, to us…or to you. It wouldn't be fair on anyone." Alex had ceased clearing away the debris from her day, leaning heavily against the edge of her desk as she tried to make her position clear, knowing that once Abbie was in the same room, the lines needed to be drawn to prevent her from being pulled in by the magnetism she had felt last time.
"Hey Alex, that's great. Honestly, I am so happy for you and Liv that you've finally admitted to each other how you feel and I respect that we can't…tread the same path we did last time. I can handle that but I'd still like to think we can dine out together as friends, perhaps Liv could join us too if she's not on call or working or anything. I'd very much like to spend some time with both of you, socially." Abbie couldn't prevent the swift flash of jealousy which raced through her at the knowledge she'd no longer be permitted to worship Alex's divine body but she sat on it the best she could, knowing she needed to rein in her libido for the greater good.
"Ok, I'll ask Liv and see what night's she thinks she might be free to get together. The only night I know is out is Friday. I'm expected to attend a fundraiser for a Foundation I co-Chair, the keynote speaker dropped out so I've been drafted in to fill his shoes. Actually, I need to ask Liv about that as well since I told my aunt I had a date so she wouldn't palm me off on some lecherous old codger like she usually does," Alex murmured, talking more to herself by the end than to Abbie.
"Well, if all else fails and Olivia can't attend with you, I'd be happy to defend your honour against creepy guys your aunt might try to set you up with when you turn up with a woman in tow. You do realise that that might just be tantamount to exploding out of the closet, don't you?" Abbie teased gently, knowing her sexuality was still a raw subject for Alex and wondering if she had really thought through all the consequences of being seen, at a high brow society event with a woman on her arm, no matter how stunningly attractive that woman might be.
"Perhaps it's what is needed to finally get Aunt Helen to let me be the one to decide my own personal life instead of her. I swear sometimes it's like being in a Jane Austin novel, the way she chooses the best 'family' for me to be paired off with. Half of me expects Uncle Bill to be discussing dowries with these guys so they know what I'm worth!" Alex scoffed, grabbing her attaché and raincoat and stepping out into the hallway, pulling her office door closed behind her before locking it.
"I'm sure they're just looking out for what they think is best for you in their own, weird, warped way. Better that than for them to be completely indifferent to you and not care whether you're happily shacked up with someone," Abbie claimed, thinking of her own family and their lack of interest in her life on any scale.
"Maybe I'll skip asking Liv and just drag you along on Friday since you're so keen on my Aunt's matchmaking skills. Let's see how you handle seeing them firsthand and having to fend off the amorous advances of every single septuagenarian in the room!" The elevator sounded its arrival, opening its doors and beckoning Alex to come aboard.
"Right…sounds such an appealing prospect I'd be an idiot to refuse. But do me a favour and ask Liv first, ok? I don't want her getting the wrong impression about me stepping on her toes or anything. You two would be good for one another, I don't want to mess up your chances before you even begun. I can hear you're following orders and vacating the building so I'll bid you goodnight, Miss Cabot. Get some sleep and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning at your office."
Monday March 9th 2009
19.53
Fausto's restaurant, East 4th Street
"I never meant for this to happen, you know. I never went looking for someone else, never even thought for a moment I could love anyone else," Liv murmured into her steaming bowl of spicy butternut squash soup Fausto had brought for her.
"I don't imagine you did, Olivia, not for one moment. But perhaps there's something to be said for the kind of love that finds its way to us in the darkest of times. It must be a strong and powerful kind of love which can make itself known during a time of heartbreak and sorrow. That love is what brought me home from war in one piece to my beloved Gina and I would consider you a fool if you chose to be blind to such a wondrous opportunity. I've never pegged you for a fool, Olivia, so please don't prove me wrong now." Fausto patted the young woman's shoulder firmly from where he sat, having pulled up a chair to sit beside her, partly in acknowledgement for her need for company but also to ensure she actually ate some of the food served to her. There was a bone-weary despair surrounding their daughter's fiancée which concerned him. It was too reminiscent of some of his comrades during the war, shortly before they sacrificed their lives either by their own hand or by deliberately stepping into the enemy's crossfire.
"The thought of leaving her behind terrifies me, Fausto. And…I'm scared that I'll…hurt Alex by comparing what I have with her to what Sam and I had," Liv worried, swirling her spoon around in the bowl, watching the patterns the rising steam made.
"If I have to, I'll feed that to you myself," Fausto informed her firmly, tone brooking no argument and drawing a small sheepish smile out of the distressed brunette. He made certain that she ate a few mouthfuls and a chunk of bread before he addressed the concerns she had raised. "Do you care for Alex as deeply as you do Samia?"
Liv swallowed down her instant reaction, taking the time to seriously ponder how she felt about each woman as individuals. "Sami was…she was like the other half of my soul that I'd never know was missing until I found her, as ridiculously clichéd as that sounds. She completed me…I don't really know how else to describe it. I just…I felt like I never had to be anything or anyone other than myself with her and that it was always enough. Alex is different. She challenges me, more or less every day in some way or another. We've not always got along and we still do have occasional arguments, although not as much these days and they're less legendary. The guys at the precinct always used to dive for cover when 'Lex and I went toe to toe over a case. Whereas Sam was content with the simple things in life – and that is by no means a slight on her, it's one of the things I loved most about her – Alex has always had money and enjoys fine living, has certain familial and political expectations resting on her. A relationship with Alex would draw a lot of attention, not least from the hacks who write for the society pages. But I'm drawn to her all the same, despite our ability to butt heads and drive each other crazy, despite the fact that I'm likely to face stern opposition from her remaining relatives and those around her who wish to ride on her coattails up the political ladder. When we're at her apartment, and it's just the two of us, when I get to see the real Alex and not the front she presents to the wider world, I feel like the most privileged person in the world. I know that being with her would present a whole new world of issues to overcome because of our relative statuses in society but none of them are significant enough to make me want to bury my head in the sand and hope this infatuation goes away." Liv brought another spoonful of the heavenly soup to her lips, revelling in its taste and the warmth it ignited within her.
"You know in your heart and in your mind that they are different women entirely. Trust yourself, Olivia, because it doesn't sound to me like you have for a single moment or would ever be likely to compare them to one another. It would be like comparing chalk and cheese, as they say. You have so little faith in yourself and yet so much in others, despite what you see every day in your work. I curse whoever it was that taught you to have such low self-esteem, Olivia, and wish that you could see yourself as those of us who care for you see you." Fausto took a sip from his coffee, welcoming the kick from the whiskey he had added as it slid down his throat.
"I've never…had this before…a real family. It was just Mom and I when I was growing up mostly and I know she did what she could in difficult circumstances. I don't blame her, not any more, for the drinking even though it did rob me of a real childhood and adolescence. Just like everything else that happens in life, it makes us who we are and it brought me to your daughter and by extension to you and Gina. Had my Mom not been raped, I wouldn't have existed, I wouldn't have become an SVU detective and I wouldn't have known one of the most wonderful women to have walked this earth." Liv toyed with the final chunk of her bread roll, obviously deep in thought. "What did the Will have to say, Fausto? I'd like to know so I can honour Sami's wishes the best I can," she asked before dropping the pulverised doughy morsel back onto her side plate and sitting back, her appetite diminished.
"Honour? You talk of honour? You can honour my daughter's memory by not inviting some other woman into your bed as soon as the sheets have cooled. You can honour my daughter by returning all her belongings to her family, where they belong since you obviously have no need for them now you've found someone else to sleep with. You should forget about us the same as you are forgetting my Sami. My husband may be a blind old fool but I'm not. I see you wanting to know whether you had manipulated my daughter into believing you loved her enough to include you in her Will. She may have been deluded by your lies but we'll see whether a court will be when we contest it. You'll not get a thing, not a single dime if I have my way," Gina ranted after exploding back into the room, having been passing by from the restaurant as Liv asked about the Will reading that afternoon.
"Gina, be quiet before you say something everyone regrets. We will do no such thing as to contest our daughter's final wishes," Fausto argued, rising to his feet and positioning himself between his irate wife and their visitor.
"You take her side? You defend her when she is turning her back on our daughter? On this family?" Gina bellowed, complexion bursting with a startling red hue.
"There are no sides to take. You are the one trying to drive a wedge between us and Olivia, not her. I realise it is a shock to hear her talk of finding another love to share her life and that it hurts but that is no excuse to lash out and deliberately try to hurt her in return. You are acting like a petulant child and that is not the woman I know and love. This day has seen too much pain, too much sorrow as it is. Let's not add to it if we can avoid it, please?" Fausto's tone had turned pleading, willing his wife to realise she was being unreasonable even though he understood it came from a place of deep-seated hurt.
"I should go," Liv announced, rising to her feet and hurriedly re-dressing despite her clothes still being largely sodden and highly uncomfortable. Seeing that Fausto was about to object, she insisted, "no, I'm making this worse by being here tonight and the last thing I want to do is cause either of you additional pain. I won't…" Liv's voice cracked with emotion as she attempted to walk away from her last physical connection with her late lover. "I'll give you both some space and time to come to terms with things. If you could just let me know within the next few weeks what I need to do with Samia's things from the apartment, I'd appreciate it. I won't come here again. I'm sorry. I'm really so very sorry." With tears threatening to spill over onto her cheeks once again, Liv dashed out into the night, not waiting for either Camanetti elder to respond.
Monday March 9th 2009
20.47
Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34th Street
Liv slumped down against the wall inside the door to the bedroom she and Sam had shared, watery gaze fixed on the bed where she had last made love to the woman who had meant so much to her. It had been the longest, most consistent relationship Olivia had ever known but it was over, ending in the most final of ways. She looked around at the items she had gathered together, mementos of Sam's invasion into her territory. It didn't amount to much when all piled up in one small space, almost taunting her with its reminder of the temporary, transient nature of their cohabitation. Vaguely, she was aware of her cell phone ringing but her heart ached too much to deal with anyone else right then. She headed into her bathroom, setting the water running into the tub before stripping out of her still damp clothing and thrusting them into the linen basket. She tested the water, feeling that it had gotten hot before plugging the drain and leaving the bath to fill up by itself. She padded back through to the bedroom, pulling a drawer open and retrieving some flannel sleep pants and a fresh t-shirt. Her cell was still ringing, or perhaps ringing again, she didn't know and frankly didn't care. She was better alone. Alone she couldn't cause anyone pain. Alone she couldn't take anyone's heart and rip it to shreds…beside her own. For possibly the first time in her life, Olivia understood her mother's compulsion to drink, not just accepted it but fully, completely and thoroughly understood what drove Serena Benson to pick up a bottle and not put it down again until it was empty. For that very reason, she was grateful there was no liquor in the apartment. Her only choice of liquid refreshment was water. At least from that particular demon, she was safe. One down, countless more to battle. She laid the sleepwear out on her bed, ignoring yet another call, knowing it was unlikely to be work related given that it was her personal cell phone which seemed to be somebody's hotline that night. Stepping into the bathroom and closing the door to behind her, Liv shut off the water and stepped into the filled tub, bracing herself against the sting of the almost scalding temperature. She sunk down, lying back and slithering down until she could completely submerge her head, shutting out all extraneous noises and leaving her alone with just her thoughts. She lay there, unmoving, allowing the burn in her lungs to grow, willing herself to remain beneath the water, almost punishing herself for the outcome of the day. Just as she was about to concede defeat and sit up, a shadow fell across her. Through the water, the outline of her visitor was the image of Samia. Forgetting that she was submerged, Liv opened her mouth to gasp…and felt herself being physically yanked into a sitting position. Suddenly, she was face to face with Alex…a furious and terrified Alex to be exact.
"What the hell are you doing?" the attorney yelled, keeping a firm grip on Liv's upper arm lest she attempt to sink back beneath the water.
Liv performed a sterling impression of a goldfish, opening and closing her mouth numerous times without her brain connecting sufficiently to provide any kind of explanation.
"How many times are we going to do this, Liv? How many times am I going to have to chase across New York trying to find you? Do you have any idea how scared I was when I couldn't get you on the phone? Can you comprehend at all what was going through my mind, especially with Markson out there and you having actively put yourself in his sights?" Neither woman seemed cognizant of the fact Liv was naked, with nothing to spare her blushes should Alex's gaze drop at all. The gravity of the moment prevented either of them from acknowledging it.
"Who…? What…? How…?" Liv fumbled, struggling to comprehend the sudden arrival of her dearest friend.
"Fausto called me after you bolted. He explained everything to me, Liv – what you told them, Gina's reaction, all of it. He was really worried about you, about what you might do. So I tried calling your cell but it just rang out every time. Didn't you hear it? I called my apartment building, the precinct, I even called Elliot to see if you'd gone there even though I knew it was a long shot, but no one had seen you or knew where you were. I came here as a last resort. I thought…I thought you might need to feel close to Sam after today and since you'd already been to the memorial garden, this was the only other place I could think of. I hope you don't mind, I kept the spare key you gave Elliot. That's how I let myself in." Alex had seen the evidence of Liv's activities as she had rapidly scoured the apartment; pictures removed from their mountings and propped up against the walls in stacks; personal knick-knacks collected together in a huddle on top of a dresser in the bedroom; clothes piled up in a heap in front of the closet.
"I've lost them, 'Lex. I can't… Gina was so hurt, so…betrayed by me telling her how I feel about you. I told them I won't see them again. I can't, not if my being around just continues to keep the wound of Sam's loss open and bleeding." Liv let her head drop forward, water still trickling off her hair and down over her trembling shoulders.
"Fausto seemed confident that Gina will come round. He really doesn't want to lose touch with you. I told him he's more than welcome to come visit you at the apartment whenever he wants to, whether Gina is with him or not." Alex ran her fingers through Liv's saturated hair, slicking it back off her face. "You want me to leave you alone tonight?" The question was quietly spoken, with controlled neutrality to prevent the detective from hearing just how difficult it would be for Alex to comply with that request should it be confirmed.
"I…I don't know…what I want. No, that's not true. I want this pain to end, for everyone. I want everyone to be happy again. I want… I want to feel like all my relationships aren't falling apart around me…"
"They're not…" Alex protested.
"Yes, they are. You're the only one who isn't pulling away from me, Allie. Elliot's shown his true colours – I may as well be damned to all eternity in his eyes because of who I fall in love with. And now Gina hates me, probably close to as much as I hate myself, and because of that I can't see Fausto either – I won't come between them, I won't be responsible for causing tension in their marriage. I'm tired, 'Lex, so damned tired of this constant up and down. If this is what life is going to be like from now on…I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep ruining people's lives, hurting them and then having to live with the consequences. I can't…" Liv trailed off into a sob, bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging both arms around her shins. She let her head fall forward to rest atop her knees, releasing her sorrow with quiet hiccupping cries.
Alex reached into the tub, pulling out the plug and letting the water begin draining away. She was concerned by how cool the bath water had become, the realisation steeling her determination further to bring the brunette to somewhere more comfortable, where she could at least offer some sort of physical support to her. "Stand up, Liv," the blonde dictated with gentle insistence. When the older woman made no attempt to move, Alex placed a hand on her shoulder and tried again. "Come on, Olivia, we both know I can't lift you out of the bath but that doesn't mean to say I won't try and I'm sure neither of us want to explain to an ER doctor how we got injuries resulting from that." A shaggy chestnut-locked head rocked from side to side in negative response, not willing to face the younger woman. "Ok fine, but don't say I didn't warn you when we both fall on our butts." Alex grabbed the nearest towel she could find and wrapped it around her weeping friend's shoulders in a gesture heartbreakingly similar to Gina's from earlier in the evening. With a firm grip, she prised the older woman's arms from where they were clamped around her legs and began pulling them forwards, away from her body and upwards, coaxing her to rise. The dead weight of the uncooperative detective barely moved, Olivia doing nothing to assist the blonde in her task, so Alex changed tack. She leant in close, sliding her arms beneath Liv's armpits until she could clasp her hands together in the centre of her broad back. With little care for her own spinal health, Alex used all her might to force Liv to stand, managing to raise her a small way despite the awkward angle. Turning her head slightly, she growled directly into the shell of the stubborn brunette's ear, "Olivia Benson, get your ass out of this bath tub right now or so help me I will call Elliot, Fin, Munch and Captain Cragen to haul you out."
"Why are you doing this?" Olivia whined, voice hoarse from her tears.
"Because I love you, you obstinate, stubborn, infuriating woman," Alex grumbled, grateful to have at least garnered some response.
"You shouldn't. I'll hurt you," Liv protested, attempting to push the younger woman away.
"No, you won't. Not unless you keep this up. This hurts me, Liv. You shutting me out and keeping me at arm's length hurts me. Seeing you suffering like this and being allowed to do nothing to help hurts me. Having to watch you blame yourself for things that are beyond your control hurts me. But do you know what loving you does to me, Liv? Loving you makes my heart want to burst. Loving you makes me feel like laughing out loud for no reason in particular. Loving you makes even the worst of days seem that little bit better because I only have to see your face to be reminded there are some great things in life…not just good, but great things. I love you, Olivia, with all that I am and nothing that you say or do will stop me from loving you. Nothing. Now can you please get up out of this bath? Because right now, the only thing that's beginning to hurt is my back from holding you like this and I would much rather be able to hug you properly."
Alex felt the older woman reluctantly begin to rise to her feet. She released her hold and stepped away, turning away to retrieve another towel in order to offer her friend some semblance of privacy. As much as she wanted to feast her eyes on the heavenly body so close to being on display, she refused to give in to temptation, knowing it would be taking advantage of Liv's distressed state. She opened up the bath sheet to its fullest and held it out like a shield between them for Liv to step into. As the brunette did so, Alex folded it around her slim, athletic form, tucking the ends inside so that it stayed in position without being held. Rather than stepping away, Alex kept her arms around the slightly shorter woman, cradling her gently and offering a silent embrace of support and understanding.
"How long are you willing to wait? How many times can I build up your hopes that I'm ready to move on with you only to…be set back again? How many times before you get sick of it and leave me?" Liv whispered, arms reaching around Alex's back, tentatively at first but then clinging to her more desperately as the idea of losing Alex really hit her.
"Hey, ssshhh, don't think like that, sweetheart. Please, please don't think like that." Alex leant back, capturing Liv's face between her palms and forcing her to look at her as she spoke, hoping that she would see the truth of her words in her eyes. "I will wait for as long as you need me to wait. I will wait and I will wait and I will keep on waiting if that's what you need me to do. And I will keep on reminding you that I love you, I have loved you for a long time and I want to be beside you throughout this, to help you, to support you, to hold you up when you don't feel like you can stand by yourself. I will not leave you. No matter how many times we have to have this conversation, no matter how many times I have to hunt you down when you get skittish and bolt, no matter how many times you try to convince me I'd be better off without you, I will not leave you." As though to emphasize her point, Alex pressed a simple chaste kiss to Liv's cheek, making the gesture as non-sexual as she could.
The dam holding back Liv's emotions was breached once more, tears cascading over her cheeks as she buried her face in Alex's neck, murmuring apologies over and over again. They stood in the middle of Liv's bathroom, swaying together slightly re-affirming their connection, until Alex became aware of how much the brunette was shivering.
"Let's get you into some clothes," she suggested.
Liv let out a small laugh. "Normally, when there's an attraction between two people, they're trying to get each other out of their clothes, not into them!" Alex smiled, grateful to see a little of Liv's humour returning.
"And I'm sure there'll come a day when that's true for us as well," she assured the older woman. "But for now, I just want to keep you from catching your death of cold. As much as you seem to think otherwise, I do actually like having you around."
Olivia allowed herself to be guided back into the bedroom she had shared with her fiancée, slumping onto the edge of the large, comfortable bed beside the clothing she had laid out for herself in preparation. Alex eyed the obvious sleep attire, raising an eyebrow in Liv's direction.
"You were planning on sleeping here alone? At any point tonight, did you consider letting me know you were alive?" she asked, allowing a little of her ire to infiltrate her tone.
"I…uh…I wasn't really thinking clearly... which I guess is obvious seeing as I'm here. Alex, please, don't take it to mean that I didn't want you to know where I was…" Liv attempted to explain, her tired brain struggling to comprehend her reasoning making it even more difficult to defend her actions.
"Liv, I don't mind if you want to sleep here tonight. I don't even mind if you want to be alone. I just wish…I just wish that you would trust me enough to let me know when you need to be closer to Sam. I'm not about to overreact and throw a fit of jealousy. I understand it. I understand that desperate yearning to surround yourself with things that remind you of what you had. I lived with it for years and…I wouldn't deny you anything that can give you any semblance of comfort, not ever but certainly not after the day you've had. So please, sweetheart, just tell me what you to do, what you want me to do and that's what'll happen. No arguments, no dramas, no lingering tension. Whatever you need, that's all that matters." Alex kept her distance, physically, allowing the older woman a chance to make a decision without distraction.
"No, it's not. It's not all that matters. You matter. To me." Liv scrubbed her hands across her face, attempting to wipe away the fatigue. "God, I'm such a screw-up."
"No sweetheart, you're not. You're grieving. There's a big difference," Alex assured her kindly, still waiting for her to decide what she wanted to happen for the remainder of the night. She watched as Liv glanced over her shoulder, clearly craving some time to rest as the events of the day caught up with her and still recouping sleep lost over the hectic weekend.
"Would you mind taking me home? I mean…to your apartment…I don't mean to assume…" Liv's rambling was cut off in its prime by two of Alex's fingers pressing firmly against her lips.
"You get dressed, I'll call a car to pick us up. Let's go home," Alex replied, making clear that she too thought of her place as home to them both. As the attorney turned to leave, Liv reached out and caught her wrist in a loose grip, stalling her retreat.
"Alex?" she called softly, inviting the younger woman to turn around again. When she complied, the brunette looked her directly in the eye and murmured a heartfelt, "thank you…for everything. You have no idea how much your support means to me, how much you being here helped me tonight. I honestly…I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't come in when you did. I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm gonna fight like hell to keep you."
