The Case of the Missing Hardy

"Guys, we have a problem," Matt announced as he entered Shawn and Hunter's locker room.

Hunter sighed. "Matt, I've told you thousand times that your erectile dysfunction is your problem, not mine."

Matt glared at the Game. "I do not have erectile dysfunction you idiot. Jeff's gone and I don't know where he went."

"Did you try looking in a rabbit hole?" Shawn asked.

"He can't fit down a rabbit hole."

"He could if he went to Wonderland."

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Shawn, stop being stupid. Matt, just do what I always do when I can't find Jeff: don't look for him and wait until he comes out and starts whining about how you weren't supposed to stop playing hide and seek with him."

"But I never was playing hide and seek with him," Matt said in confusion.

"I know, and I never have either. But his little fucked up brain likes to think we're playing hide and seek with him, so you just have to go along with it."

That made sense to Matt. So he sat down with DX and they began playing poker. But after about an hour and a half, there was still no sign of Jeff. "Guys, I can't just sit here," Matt complained. "I think something might have happened to Jeff."

"Oh what's the worst than can happen to him?" Shawn asked.

Hunter threw down his cards and smacked Shawn on the back of the head. "Damn it Shawn, you just jinxed the hell out of everyone. Now we do have to go find him before something bad happens to him."

Shawn whined and rubbed the back of his head. "You don't need to be so abusive to me Hunter! I didn't even do anything to you!"

Matt sighed and took out his cell phone. He was about to call Jeff yet again when he noticed that he had like six text messages. "What the hell are these all about?" he muttered as he began to check them.

From: Candice

Jeff has kidnapped Maria! Get her back now!

From: Maria

Jeff let me go. He now has Ted. 10,000 Skittles will buy his freedom.

From: Ted

Jeff is the ruler of the universe. U will all bow to him. Long live JNH!

From: Cody

Ted is w/me. Jeff has Ted's phone. Ted is sad now. Get the phone back 4 us Hardy.

From: Randy

Jeff has taken Punk. He's long gone. He kicked me in the nuts b4 he went. UR BROTHER IS DEAD MEAT MATT!

From: Shawn

Lookwhaticandomatt!Icantext!

Matt sighed and looked at Shawn. "It doesn't space the words for you Shawn. You have to do that yourself."

Shawn pouted. "Damn it, I thought I was doing it right."

Hunter looked at Matt's messages. "So he's kidnapped Punk? Wow, I'm having a hard time caring about that."

"Yeah, but we should at least try to find out where he took him," Matt pointed out. "Vince is going to get mad if we don't."

"Vince is always mad," Shawn pointed out. "That's not exactly anything new."

That was very, very true, but Matt still didn't want the boss mad at him. He wasn't Vince's son in law like Hunter and he wasn't as oblivious as Shawn was, so it just wouldn't work out as well with him. So he dragged the two reluctant DX members along in their quest to find his younger brother.

The hallways of the arena were completely trashed. It looked like it had been hit by a tornado or something like that. "Holy crap!" Hunter said in amazement. "What the hell happened out here?"

"Jeff happened, that's what," Morrison answered. The Shaman of Sexy emerged from behind from a fort made out of tables. "I think he's having one of his sugar rushes because he's gone absolutely crazy."

"Crap," Matt said. Jeff while on a sugar rush was a very scary thing to deal with. "Do you have any idea where he went?"

"The last time I saw him, he was dragging Punk off while screaming about him being King Kong."

"Is Jeff King Kong or is Punk King Kong?" Shawn asked.

"I think Jeff is being King Kong," Morrison replied. "I mean, I don't think King Kong could get dragged anywhere by one guy and Punk was the one getting dragged."

Hunter suddenly started to laugh. "Wouldn't it be really funny if Punk turned out to be a drag queen?"

The others all gave him a strange look. "Why would you even say that?" Matt asked.

Hunter just shrugged. "I don't know. I just felt like it."

Moving on from that, Matt dragged Hunter and Shawn all around the arena. Jeff was nowhere in sight. So they decided to change course and look outside. Out there they found several Skittles leading to the spot where Jeff had his car parked earlier. "Fuck, he's long gone now," Matt cursed. "What are we going to do now?"

"We could go to the zoo," Shawn suggested.

Hunter rolled his eyes. "Damn it Shawn, I told you and Jeff earlier that we were not going to the zoo."

"Wait, Jeff wanted to go to the zoo earlier?" Matt asked.

"Yeah," both DX members said with a nod.

"Shit, now we are going to the zoo. Come on, he's probably there right now."

So they all got into Hunter's car and drove to the zoo. When they got there, they began looking around for Jeff. It didn't take long to find him.

"Help me!" Punk screamed at the top of his lungs. He and Jeff were inside the gorilla cage and he was still being held hostage by Jeff. "Somebody get me out of here!"

"Oh my God," Matt said in disbelief. "Jeff, what the hell are you doing?

"I'm playing with the gorillas!" he replied. He was sitting on a gorilla's lap while keeping Punk in place with a full body scissors. "They like me Matty! They really like me!"

"Well see, this has turned out okay," Shawn said. He grabbed Hunter by the hand and started dragging him away. "Come on, let's go look at the lions!"

Matt stayed where he was and continued to stare at his brother. "Would you please come out of there? You're going to get in trouble!"

"But I don't want to!" Jeff whined. "I like being in here!"

Matt was tempted to go in there and drag Jeff out, but he decided against it. The gorillas looked a little too attached to his brother to risk doing that. Besides, he found it kind of funny to watch Phil freak out. I wonder if I'm a bad person for laughing at him at a time like this…hmmm, no, I think I'm okay. Everyone laughs at Phil when he freaks out. It's just the natural order of things. "Well when you're done in there, I'll be in the aquarium, okay?"

"Okay Matty," Jeff said.

"Wait!" Punk yelled. "Matt get back here and help me! Damn it, somebody get me out of this thing!"

Matt just laughed. He wondered if Punk knew that screaming would just egg Jeff on more. I'm not telling him if he doesn't. He can go ahead and figure that one out all by himself.