Eleanor

Four weeks so far since I was admitted to the hospital two weeks I was in a coma now I was moved from PCICU to PCU. Mum was doing everything she could to get me to move from my bed but I was depressed and there was nothing that could get me to feel better. I loved spending time in bed it was the only place I felt like I could be me. That's why I was currently buried under my covers head buried under the pillows, curled up in a tiny ball like a kitten, the curtains were drawn shut the lights were off it was pitch black darkness and I never loved it more. I never fit in with people I couldn't use drugs fuck I couldn't even drink. What was the point in getting out of bed? Ted wasn't letting Phi back now that I was awake and mum was hovering to the point where death was starting to look pretty damn good. I wanted to talk to my dad but that was never going to happen was it? Why did he have to die? He was such an amazing man compassionate, loyal, smart, he had dreams he accepted people at face value without judgment. He wanted to change the nation why? Why would someone want him gone? Didn't they give a damn about how much he was needed? How loved he was? Did he even know how much I loved him? "Eleanor sweetheart I know your devastated but this mopping around isn't good for you babe you need to get out see the world make some friends" "Fuck friends every time I make them you destroy them get rid of them or their parents forbid them from seeing me why the fuck should I put myself through it?" "Eleanor I'm sorry Ted won't let you see Phi I will try to talk to him" "Why mum you hate her" "But you love her babe and that's what's important to me" "Since when?" "Since I realized how much it hurts me to lose you" "The way your hurting right now Eleanor with losing your father that's how much it hurts me thinking about you dying" I almost took the covers off my head almost Mum was being honest but it didn't matter she couldn't wipe away a lifetime of memories of mine with one sentence. My whole life it was my dad who looked after me loved me accepted me encouraged me believed in me. Mum did nothing but try to tear me down she made me feel like shit she's the reason I turned to drugs, to drinking. I was always a daddy's girl ever since I was born I had him wrapped around my little pink finger he would do anything for me. He took me to concerts even when he hated the bands preforming, he took me to dance rehearsals and shows he took the time out to show me how to play the piano. He helped me with my homework he showed me how to shoot a bow and arrow when mum told him it was a boys sports he told her I could do anything I set my mind and heart to. Losing him was worse than any physical pain I was currently feeling and believe me I was in fucking pain my chest felt like it was being ripped open my throat was so raw from the tube I could barely swallow my stomach hurt from all the vomiting and diarrhea I couldn't even breathe without pain shooting through my whole body my head was spinning my eyes hurt from all the tears. I felt abandoned alone and isolated no one could understand how I felt, maybe Liam but I haven't heard from him in weeks just one more person who left me when I needed them. How was I suppose to get up and attend his funeral? How was I suppose to say goodbye to the only man who had never betrayed me? The mourning period was almost over and the arrangements were being made for his services. His body was held by the corner for an autopsy there was foul play suspected not just from the stabbing but his death itself raised suspicion. Mum of course told me none of this Phi was texting me details as she heard them through the grapevine. They held it for over two weeks while they preformed all sorts of tests and searched for clues, she said the palace was swarmed with federal agents police and media. Everyone was being questioned, so far mum had kept them away from me which I was glad for since I remembered nothing from that night. My dad's body was just released on Monday now began the royal family traditions. Most people have one viewing than a burial nope not the royal family. Major royal funerals, especially those of sovereigns, are made up of a series of ceremonies extending over several days, public and private, religious and secular, and presenting different aspects of the deceased. I wasn't allowed to help plan any of it of course it was all taken care of by Rachel the prime minster the Earl Marshal, with assistance by the heralds of the College of Arms.

They knew so little about my dad as a person though they knew him simply as the king how any of what they planned would reflect of my dad as a person would be what tore me apart. This service should be about him as a person not as a king. Tears slipped down my face as I tried to fight them off, I was sweating again feeling dizzy. I knew I should come out but I didn't want to face my mum not now. I couldn't look at her I would fall apart. There had to be more to life than just being a sovereign how would my service be like? Royal tradition usually involved three days of the public lying-in-state, than the day of the service there is a street procession to Paddington Station, a train journey to Windsor, a procession from the station to the Castle, and a culminating religious service in St. George's Chapel. I could only imagine what they would have to say about me the party princess who did nothing to help society. Light blinded me as I felt mum rip the safety of my womb apart I couldn't even scream my throat was so sore. I felt her grab my wrist and tear them away from my face pushing me back. "Eleanor snap out of this I know your hurting but this isn't helping you this depression is going to kill you" Was she serious? I was in heart failure I was already dying. I was ugly as hell I had seen my reflection this morning when she tried to brush my hair out holding up a mirror for me my face was sunken in, I had no color my eyes were bloodshot my hair was thinning and dull. Dark circles lined my under eyes. "Eleanor please I know this is hard but please you have to try" "Hard?" I whirled around to her not a good idea because it caused waves of pain to rip through my whole body. "Hard is when your five and fall off your bike and have to get back on which by the way my dad helped me get back on not you queen" "This is fucking impossible there's a part of me that wants to live mother but my body is failing me I want a chance to make up for all the shit I have done but my body has different ideas" "What do you mean part of you?" "I mean there's a part of me that doesn't see the goddamn point I'm not worthy of a new organ I haven't done anything for the greater good not like dad, he deserved to live and he's dead so why should I live?" "Why should I even want to?" "I don't I just want to be with dad and Robbie" "I don't want to be the one who upsets everyone disappoints everyone" "Your not sweetheart your the most amazing light of my life" "Liar" Pain rushed from my head as vomit rose mum was quick to grab a basin as I threw up gasping for air as I removed the tube from my nose so it wouldn't get splattered on. When I was done and laid back I felt so lightheaded as if I had run too fast in a high altitude. She ran a cloth over my face my body was shivering one minute than too fucking hot the next. She covered me with a blanket kissing my check. "What can I do for you Eleanor?" "Nothing Mum no one can help me now" "I'm on my own as I always am" I turned away as I felt her squeeze my hand I know I was hurting her but I didn't care. She hurt me all these years. I heard her sigh as she left I should feel better hurting her back shouldn't I? It's what I always dreamed about but I didn't I just felt alone. Days were so hard but nights they were impossible. I wanted Phi by my side but I hated knowing she was going against her dad and I know that hurt her I never wanted her to hurt. I had no real friends I never really had any in school just people I partied with they were no where around now.

I was alone just the way I always wanted so why did I feel so crappy?