The skill of this world is how well you can weigh the odds of a situation. Does the good weigh out the bad? Can we sacrifice the one thing for the greater good of all? I don't like that second one too well, because you never know if you're that one thing that can be sacrificed. Like with the Governor, if he thought that he'd end off better by it, he'd sacrifice anything and anyone. But he was selfish when it comes to things like that. He wasn't too good at weighing the options, for a group at least. Here I am now, in a different group, and I put my faith into this leader hoping he's better.
A cry fills the cold air. A cry for help.
A cry Carl can't ignore.
"Dad come on!" he begs, "Come on!"
But maybe Rick will.
He stands there for a moment, weighing the options. He has his infant daughter, and the cure holder. Is he really willing to risk it for what may be a trap? There's still Termites out there. What if it's them? What if it's the same old trap over again. Will we really fall for it?
We do.
Soon we're running after the cry. The cold wind whips through my hair and numbs my cheeks, I pull the pistol from my waistband and click the safety off, keeping pace with Carl. We soon come upon a huge rock in the middle of the woods, and on top of the rock is a writhing man trying to escape from the walkers, which must be harder than it seems. He's only surrounded by three or four dead. Why doesn't he just... shoot them? Or stab them? Or crush their heads with smaller rocks. There's no time to think of why the man isn't doing anything to shake the walkers.
Carl is the first to fire, but I'm not far behind. Daryl cuts across the back to take any out from behind. They turn towards us, we've gotten their attention. Maybe there were a few more than I originally thought, but nothing we can't manage. Rick slams the skull of one into the face of the boulder, splattering it's cranial contents all over the place, before releasing it and the silenced corpse falls to the ground. Carol stabs another with her knife, leaving me with the bitter feeling that my knife is gone forever, I'll have to find another one. Michonne bludgeons another walker with the butt of her automatic rifle. The chaos settles down after a moment and Daryl appears from the other side of the rock.
"We're clear," Rick announces, "Keep watch."
We all watch the strange man, "Come on down." instructs Rick. He climbs down slowly, and I keep my finger on the trigger of my gun, in case this guy decides to try and pull a fast one.
He gets down without trouble. But there's something wrong. He's shaking, and he looks awfully frightened for a grown man who's spent two or so years in the apocalypse. He also appears utterly appalled at us. Excuse me, buddy. But we just saved your life. His mouth tightens almost painfully.
"You okay?" Rick looks the man over. Something is definitely not right. Is he really alone? Unarmed? Or is this still a -
The doubles over and pukes his guts out, I squeeze my eyes shut because I know all this is super disgusting. But honestly, shouldn't he be a little more used it by now? I open them once the hacking appears to have stopped.
"Sorry," the man says, he has a frail voice, or maybe it's just because he's afraid. He stands back up, and I'm on edge because I can't shake the feeling he's gonna rip out a gun at any moment. He's dressed oddly too, a suit. A suit! In this world? Please. But this isn't just any suit, he's got the strip of white beneath his chin. He's a priest. Or he was in any case.
"Yes." he answer Rick's initial question, "Thank you." he adjusts his suit jacket, "I'm Gabriel." he's still looking mighty suspicious to me. He's too... twitchy... no that's not it. Goddammit, what is it about him? I can't quite put my finger on it. He looks to Michonne, who aids him in no way, rather just stares at him, stoic, trying to figure him out.
Carl stands by his father, looking at Gabriel, trying to sort him out.
Rick narrows his eyes, "Do you have any weapons on you?"
Gabriel chuckles, and my foot inches back uneasily, "Do I look like I would have any weapons?"
"We don't give two short and curlies what it looks like." Abraham tells him plainly.
Gabriel shifts on his feet, maybe we weren't the kind of crowd he was expecting, "I have no weapons of any kind. The word of God is the only protection I need."
Bullshit. I try to hold back a snort. The good Lord hadn't done a whole lot of protecting here lately.
"Sure didn't look like it." Daryl points out, glaring at Gabriel, doing the same thing we all are. Trying to figure out who this guy thinks he is.
"I called for help. Help came." Gabriel says like this is all the proof he needs in the world, he's even smiling. Smiling. The audacity.
My eyebrows furrow, this isn't right. He can't honestly believe this stuff. He looks around at all of us, trying to see if we'll smile too.
His gaze falls on me for a moment, I stare right back and shift my hold on the gun. He swallows awkwardly and the smile fades away, he quickly looks back to Rick. I hope he can tell he's not giving off the greatest first impression.
"Do you um... have any food? Whatever I- I had left, it just hit the ground." he does one of those awkward, hopeful smiles again.
Carl digs into his pocket, "We've got some pecans."
After some hesitation, and some looking over Carl, "Thank you." Gabriel gladly takes the nuts from Carl's palm.
Am I just being ridiculous? Maybe it's just me thinking there's something wrong with this guy. Maybe he really is ok. I mean Carl appears to at least be giving him a chance.
No. The moment I put my gun away he'll pull his out and gun us all down.
At least, that's what my mind imagines will happen. I'll keep it out, just in case.
I hear the coo of Judith from behind me. I turn my head and Tyreese has taken her out from the back sling, she's in his arms now cooing. That brings the tiniest smile to my face.
"That's a beautiful child," Gabriel comments. Damn straight she is. I mean look at her older brother.
Sam! This is not the time.
Rick stares at Gabriel, probably considering killing him, weighing the options once more. He gives no response though. Carl's eyes keep going back and forth between Gabriel and Rick.
The silence that ensues is anything but comfortable, Gabriel loses his cool first and speaks, "Do you have a camp?"
"No." Rick answers immediately, "Do you?"
Gabriel's mouth quivers, considering answering. He better answer truthfully, that's for sure, "I have a church,"
Of course he does.
"Hold your hands above your head," Rick scoffs, he can't believe this guy either. Good, I'm not the only one.
Gabriel's arms raise slowly and Rick pats him down, surprisingly to find nothing. Should I put this thing away or...?
No. He could have other people with him, hiding in the trees. Got to be ready. Always have to be ready.
Don't you think you're being a tad ridiculous? That idea seems a bit far fetched.
No. Terminus taught you. You can't trust again.
So I keep the gun out, just in case.
"How many walkers have you killed?" Rick asked, standard protocol I suppose.
Gabriel does that breathy laugh thing again, come on man, just answer the damn question, "Not any actually."
What? No walkers?! How the hell have you made it this long?!
"Turn around," Rick remains unfazed and continues the pat down, "How many people have you killed?"
"None." Gabriel tells him. He turns his head, looking at us, looking at Rick. Wondering how this is even a question. Then he wonders what kind of people he's actually dealing with if a question like that is to be taken seriously.
"Why?" Rick asks the final question, generally the hardest, but Gabriel answers it easily.
"Because the Lord abhors violence."
"What have you done?" Rick gets close to his face. Refusing to believe this man is some kind of saint in this world among sinners.
Gabriel's face twitches some more, like maybe he's about to cry.
"We've all done somethin'," Rick explains, it's true.
So come on buddy, fess up.
"I am sinner," Gabriel states plainly, "I sin almost every day. But those sins, I confess them to God, not strangers." I shift my feet and the gun, glaring at Gabriel, you're gonna confess today buddy boy.
Carl casts me a look instructing me to calm down some. Ok maybe I am getting a little worked up. Maybe I should just let the grown ups do their job.
Michonne speaks up, "You said you had a church?"
That's enough to get us on the road again. Or to Gabriel's church at least. Maybe I should refer to him as Father Gabriel, since that appears to be what he is. I walk at the back of the pack, Rick and Daryl are at the front with Gabriel, to make sure we stay on track. Carl falls back to walk with me.
"Are you okay?" his arm reaches out for my shoulder. I shy away from it.
"Do you really trust this guy?" I whisper, looking Carl dead in the eyes. My pistol is tucked into my waistband again, but it wouldn't take much to whip it back out again if it became necessary.
Carl looks away, gnawing on his upper lip, trying to decide, "I want to. It can't just be all bad people out there right? I mean, look at you. You came from Woodbury, proof that one bad person doesn't mean they're all bad. Come on, the guy's a priest."
"Was a priest." I point out, "Your dad was also a cop. And you know what he's done."
"But he's still good," Carl argues, "And I think this guy can be too."
I narrow my eyes at Carl, still not convinced.
He sighs and stops walking, grabbing my arm so I have no choice but to stop, "Look, we all get pushed to our limits. But that shows us who we are. When we're stretched our farthest. When our family members are endangered, how far will we go? This guy has limits too, limits I'm sure he's gone to, to protect himself- or someone he loved. You can't make false assumptions of this guy on his limits you don't even know about. He seems like a pretty good guy. Just give him a chance."
I look at him for a moment, thinking of what to say next, "He just seems too good. Like who hasn't killed a walker? It's been two years at least. How has this guy made it?"
Carl shrugs, "He said he's a sinner. I'm sure he has his ways." his lips are pressed together. He wants to believe, and he tells me he does. But his expression exposes the truth, he's just as unsure as I am.
We continue on until we finally arrive at the church. It's a little teeny tiny white thing. With a steeple and front doors. Very much so a traditional church like you'd see in movies and such.
Carl's taken Judy from Tyreese now, we approach the church carefully. Gabriel gets to the door first, I hang back with Carl and Rick goes up the steps to meet Gabriel, "Hold up. Can we take a look around first? We just want to hold on to our squirrels." Rick hints at joke Gabriel made earlier that we didn't take too kindly too.
Rick gestures for the key to the church and after a look from Gabriel, he hands them over. They go in guns up, and I stay behind with Carl and Judith because that's what I've been instructed to do.
Michonne, Rick, Daryl, Glenn, and Carol are the only ones that go in. Maggie, Sasha, Bob and Abraham go around back to check for anything. They end up coming back before Rick and them do and for a moment, that worries me.
I look to Carl and gives me an expression that says 'they'll be back. I know they will'. In the mean time, he's holding Judith and she pulls on his shirt and tries to chew on it. I smile at the scene of Carl trying to get her to stop, but struggling because he wants her to stay happy. "You're such a good girl, Judy." he repeats over and over. So she knows. So she'll remember. That she's a good girl born into a bad place and I look at her and wonder how she is going to survive this terrible place. Maybe the world will be cured by then, so she won't know this place for long. But that's assuming a lot of things. And assuming is dangerous.
He finally gets her to stop chewing and she becomes content just to grasp his flannel shirt tightly and drool on it. I hear footsteps come through the entryway and Rick and his group have returned, apparently to find no one else.
Maybe Carl was right, maybe there still are good people.
"I spent months here without stepping out the front door. If you found someone inside, well, it would have been surprising," there's that joking tone again. Hasn't he caught on by now? We aren't joking people.
"Thanks for this." Carl tells the priest.
Abraham stands beside Rick and tells him of his findings, "We found a short bus out back. It don't run, but I bet we could fix that in less than a day or two. Father here says he doesn't want it. Looks like we found ourselves some transport." he waits for Rick to say something, but he doesn't, "You understand what's at stake here, right?"
"Yes I do," Rick informs him, he's looking at Judith, weighing the odds again. Always have to weigh the odds nowadays.
Michonne cuts in, "Now that we can take a breath-"
Abraham cuts her off, "We take a breath, we slow down, shit inevitably goes down."
Michonne isn't taking shit from him though, "We need supplies no matter what we do next." she is right. That was kind of today's plan. Considering we already completed the first objective of finding shelter. Little Judy won't freeze tonight. I run my hand over her thin hair, relieved.
"That's right. Water, food, ammunition." Rick climbs the stairs, going inside, declaring the conversation over.
"Short bus ain't going nowhere." Daryl points out, "Bring you back some baked beans."
The inside of the church is exactly how I would've imagined it. Stain glass windows, two columns of wooden pews line from the back to front, the pulpit up front, there's a door on the left leading to what I presume is an office, and another door farther back in the pulpit, it's not facing the rest of the church. A fence sort of barrier barricades the pulpit and doors from the rest of the church. There's an organ on the right, which has long outlived its usefulness. Rick has taken Judith from Carl now, and he holds her as he continues to interrogate Gabriel, "How'd you survive here for so long? Where did your supplies come from?"
"Luck," Gabriel explains, "Our annual canned food drive. Things fell apart right after we finished it. It's just me." he says a little quieter than the rest of what he tells us. Like maybe he's upset about it. Or ashamed.
Carl walks to Rick, "Come here Judith," he says softly, taking his sister back from his father. He stands beside me again, his shoulder bumping mine.
Then Gabriel continues, "The food lasted a long time. And then I started scavenging. I've cleaned out every place nearby. Except for one."
Why that one?
Rick and I must be on the same wavelength or something, because he asks a similar question, "What kept you from it?"
"It's overrun," Gabriel says simply.
"How many?" Rick narrows his eyes, weighing the odds, still weighing the odds.
"A dozen or so." Gabriel shrugs, "Maybe more."
"We can handle a dozen," Rick informs him.
Damn right we can. A sick smile spreads across my face, it's a small one, where just the corners are turned up. I hope no one notices.
"Bob and I will go with you," offers Sasha, walking over to Rick's side, the rifle still gripped tightly in her hands, "Tyreese should stay here, help keep Judith safe."
That leads to a more healthy smile. Tyreese has taken a liking to that kid, it's adorable.
"That'll be ok?" Rick looks to Tyreese for confirmation
"Sure," Tyreese grins, looking at Judith in Carl's arms. The baby drools onto Carl's shoulder, more smiles spread around the group, "You ever need me to watch her, need anything for her, I'm right here." Tyreese's gaze is soft on Judy.
"I'm grateful for it." Rick nods, he takes a few strides over to Tyreese, "And everything else."
"I'll go," I pipe in. I wouldn't mind helping out. Bashing in a few skulls, doing what needs to be done.
"No you won'." Daryl says immediately.
I frown at him, "Why not? I want to help and this is the best way."
Daryl takes a deep breath and a step towards me, he puts his hand on my shoulder and guides me into one of the pews, lowering his voice, "Kid, ya can' come all the time. I'm not gonna let ya. Not just yet." We've pulled out of the conversation between Rick and Gabriel. They continue on without us.
You're not my dad. I fight back the remark. You can't control what I do.
But he can and you damn well know it.
My eyes narrow, frustrated, and desperate to do something important, "Please." I beg. But not in the sweet little girl voice I know I should use. Rather I do it with clenched teeth and a narrowed brow, my arms crossed and boots firm on the floor.
Good God, I am such a freaking brat. I realize rather suddenly.
Daryl takes another deep breath, "Next time, kid. Ok?" his eyes are narrowed too. He fights back too. Only in a way Daryl Dixon would.
"Promise?" my voice softens slightly, my arms falling to my sides.
He nods.
"Say it," my voice even cracks this time.
"I promis'," he grumbles uneagerly.
"I'm gonna hold you to that Daryl Dixon, you promised." my voice becomes a little firmer again, and small smirk forms on one side of my mouth. I point a firm finger at him
"Ok, kid," He messes up my hair and I give a scowl that's not really a scowl because it's in good spirits. He walks off and I look around for Carl.
He's sitting on one of the pews in the right row, about halfway back. Judith is with Tyreese, and Rick's squatting beside the bench. I can't hear him from here, but every now and then I see Carl's brow furrow or a little shake of his head and he says something back. I watch him, my head cocked to the side. He watches his father intently, those blue orbs tightly focused on his father's face.
He's so good. He really is. He's changed and it's wonderful.
But I know I've changed too. And I'm not proud of it.
Carl nods as Rick talks some more, then he says something and Rick stands.
"Dad," Carl calls back to his father who at this point has his back turned, he turns back and walks back to Carl.
Carl's voice drops again, and I stop trying to understand what's going on, I turn around and I find Tyreese. He's up at the front of the church standing by the first pew, smiling back at giggling Judith. I walk up beside him.
"She's beautiful," I comment, running my hand over her soft, small head.
"She can be trouble," Tyreese says, with amusement in his tone and a smile on his face. But I can't help but wonder, what was it like for them out there on their own, with the baby?
When did he find Carol? Was he with anyone else? If he was... what happened to them?
These are all questions I'm not in any place to ask, as a child, they'd come off as inappropriate and would be brushed off. So they remain in my head, bouncing around, always that wonder, "Oh." is all I actually saw.
"Would you like to hold her?" Tyreese offers. I nod, a smile spreading uncontrollably.
My jacket is still loosely wrapped around Judy. She hold one of the sleeves in her small hands and sucks on the soft fabric.
"Aren't you a silly girl," there's something about being around the baby that never fails to lighten my mood. I can't stop smiling and my voice is sweet and almost giddy.
"Can I trust you to leave her in your care?" Tyreese lifts his dark eyebrows at me. I nod and softly bounce Judy up and down on my hip.
Judy changes her interest from my jacket to the end of my messy braid. She tugs on it, intrigued.
"Well she seems to have taken a liking to you," I can hear the smile in Carl's voice behind me. I feel his hand slip around and sit contently on my waist.
I'm tempted to ask what he was discussing with his father, but it isn't my business.
"It seems I've taken a liking to her as well," I joke, "though really, how could you not?" I look back at him and he's got a lazy smirk and the corners of his eyes are crinkled up.
"She is kind of adorable," Carl jokes back, "Kind of like her older brother I might add."
We were all thinking it.
I scoff, "A bit full of ourselves aren't we," I look back at him, Judy tugs on my braid again as though to say 'pay attention to me, not the dork in the sheriff hat!'
I turn back to her, still that ridiculous smile on my face, "She's certainly got your ability to get me to pay attention. Didn't you, pretty girl." I tickle her tummy and she giggles, little legs kicking.
Carl nudges me gently, "You're so mean," he teases
I shrug indifferently, "But you love me," I tease back in a singsong voice.
"Mhm," he pecks my temple. His hand stirs from my side and runs along my back.
"You tired?" he asks casually
The weight of exhaustion balled up into my chest explodes and releases the tiring lead throughout my bones.
"Nah," I shrug, bouncing Judy, the smile still there. But the smile isn't really in my response.
"You should lie down, bookworm." Carl says gently, "We're okay here, a little nap won't hurt."
A nap does sound nice.
"Honestly I'm fine," I insist
Carl sits down in the pew directly in front of me, patting the empty space beside him.
"We haven't got anything to do until my dad gets back anyway. It's not just us anymore. You can let other people take care of the watch duty." he speaks the truth and I know it deep down, he lowers his voice, "Gabriel is gone, and I don't think he's got anyone else. It's ok."
This soothes me enough to sit down.
"Did you sleep any last night?" he asks in that same gentle tone he's maintained since the beginning of the conversation.
"A little, but not well," I finally crack.
Judy lets out her standard baby noises as her interest falls back to my braid again.
"I can take my sister back if you want," he smirks at Judy, who's about to put my hair in her mouth.
I carefully tug away my braid as Carl takes Judy from my arms.
"Here's your jacket back," he untangles the rest of the jacket from her torso, "so that you never have the cold keeping you up again," he uses a joking tone for a matter we both know is serious.
I rest the jacket in my lap, staring rather blankly at the barrier about seven feet in front of me.
A little sleep wouldn't hurt. Maybe just rest my eyes for a couple minutes. Yeah. That'll be ok.
I let out a deep sigh and close my eyes as I rest my head against Carl's shoulder. I'm done trying to weigh the odds.
