A/N: To pi9: I just want to say that I feel your pain. I understand how you feel about the end of this fanfic. I have written (in my head, at least) the last 5-6 chapters (I know I said 10 like 10 chapters ago, but...). All I can say is I hope you all stay with me to the end!
December 25, 2057 (Alec, 68; Ellie, 41)
Dear Magnus,
Merry Christmas, my love. I have been thinking and reflecting a lot recently on my life. I know you remember the journals you wrote to me about your life, and I have decided to write something similar for you. I know that you have been there for the vast majority of my life, but there are a few things that I want to make sure you know.
As you know, I have been forced further into the mundane world than I ever would have imagined as a child. I have you to thank for that. As a result, I have watched a lot of TV show and movies, read novels and listened to music, and there is something that has been bothering me about all those things. When the subject is love, everyone seems to write about young love. No one ever writes about 'old love.' Or if they do, the story they tell his how the couple met and fell in love, or about rekindling an old flame. Why doesn't anyone want to talk about old love?
I understand the appeal of young love. I remember quite well how I felt when I fell in love with you. I remember feeling like I was free-falling, how my heart would race every time I saw your face, how my stomach would do flips and I would get choked up every time I tried to say something meaningful to you or tell you how I felt.
I recall our first kiss, and how I my legs felt like rubber and I couldn't stand or breathe or think. I remember the first time I smelled your hair, or fell asleep with my head in your lap, or held your hand in public. I remember the first time we made love, and how I thought my heart would explode with emotion, with the love I felt for you.
I remember all those things, with fondness and love. I know everyone wants that high of young love. It seems like that is what everyone is chasing these days. And if the movie or book or song is written right, the audience feels that little leap in their heart right along with the characters. I get that. I do.
But what I don't understand is why no one is interested in what happens next. Well, I am, and this is our story. (I'm not as good of a storyteller as you are, but I will do my best.)
As much as I loved that feeling of first falling in love with you, it does not even compare to loving you my whole life. When that infatuation feeling resolved, it left behind something I never could have expected. It left a love so deep and pure that I'm not even sure how to describe it.
I met you at a fairly turbulent time in my life. I was young and confused. I had a strong belief system, which was rocked to its very core by the events that happened when I first met you. I did not know how to respond to things, to who I was or how I felt or what I wanted. When I look back at that time, it scares me how close I was to pushing you away. I'm thankful that you don't give up so easily.
I still don't know how I went through all of that (sorting through my feelings for Jace and my feelings for you, losing him to Sebastian, losing you to Sebastian, telling my parents about us, all of it) and emerged from it with the greatest love I can imagine. I consider myself lucky every day that I wake up next to you, every time we kiss, every time you hold me and tell me you love me.
Our first few years together were somewhat of a romantic whirlwind. I never knew what to expect from you. Maybe you would whisk me away to some romantic getaway in Paris or Venice or to a secluded beach. Or stop a Ferris wheel to tell me you want to marry me. Or sing to me when I was feeling down. Whatever you chose to do, I always felt special and loved, like I was the luckiest man on Earth, and I never knew what I did to deserve you.
Then, we settled in to our life together. We learned each other's habits and likes and wishes. We discovered how to read each other, how to anticipate what the other would do or say or think. We could finish each other's thoughts and sentences. But that did not make our lives boring! On the contrary, it made me feel complete. I feel like you are the other half of me, Magnus, like without you I wouldn't be able to do anything.
And during all of that learning and mapping of the other, my love grew stronger and stronger. I don't know at what point I realized that there was nothing in this world that could come between us, but I know that to be true. I have no doubts about us. I know that our love is right.
Then, we became parents, and my heart exploded again. My heart was yours, completely, yet somehow I managed to love our daughter just as completely. It was like I grew a second heart or something. I don't know how it's possible for one person to have so much love in their life, but I did, I do.
The challenges of raising a child were more than I ever understood or expected. I had to split my time between you and Ellie, and split it again with being a Shadowhunter. There were a lot of mixed emotions for me in the beginning of parenthood. I loved her from the moment we met her, and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her, but I didn't want to take away from the time I spent with you. Sometimes I wished I could clone myself so that I could be in two places at once. I wanted to be with Ellie and teach her new things and watch her eyes, so full of wonder, as she discovered something new. But I also wanted to be with you, in your arms, kissing and touching and loving you. I could not be in both places at once, and it was a real struggle at first to figure out how to divide my time. It all worked out in the end, thankfully, and we got to raise a wonderful little girl, and still love each other with everything we have. That's pretty miraculous if you ask me.
After our child was grown and moved away, we spent many nights wondering what to do with ourselves. We were needed by Ellie for so long, it was difficult to no longer be needed like that. Then I realized; we are both still needed, just not by our daughter. We are needed by each other. And our love grew deeper still.
I am not the young man that I was when we first met. Neither are you, though no one would know it by looking at you. You have changed in many ways during our life together, Magnus. Neither of us are the same person we were nearly fifty years ago. The fact that we managed to change and grow together, instead of apart, is a real blessing.
We've certainly had our struggles throughout the years. All couples do, but we had a few challenges most couples don't have. You once told me you wanted to do all the things normal couples did. I asked you what you considered a 'normal couple.' Do you remember your response? You said, "Ones that get to grow old together." I don't know why I always remembered that. I guess it just meant something to me that the only reason you considered us 'not normal' was that you couldn't grow old.
I sometimes regret that I have to grow old, that I get to look at the gorgeous young man I fell in love with all those years ago, but you have to look at a wrinkled, aging, old man. It doesn't seem fair to you. Not that you ever make me feel that you don't like the way I look. On the contrary, the look you give me now is the same as the look you gave me back then. Sometimes, I don't feel like I've aged at all.
I want you to know, Magnus, that I love you with everything I have, everything I am, from the depths of my heart and soul. I have no regrets, not a single one. If I again had to make the choice I made all those years, sitting on that rooftop in Alicante after our return from Edom, I would choose you, every time. I would not hesitate, I would not have to think about it. I would choose you. I would choose us.
I don't know why writers think our story is not worth telling, why they only want to write about when we were young and first in love. Sure, we may not have as many romantic adventures as we used to, and we make love with less frequency that we did when we were young. Perhaps we choose to lay in bed and have you make the roof invisible so we can see the stars, instead of going dancing at a club. Maybe I now prefer a quiet evening at home with you, instead of a wild night hunting demons. And, of course, we spend a lot more time reminiscing about 'the good old days,' instead of creating new adventures. But I would not consider our lives boring, or unimportant, or any less full than they once were.
I want to thank you, Magnus, as I did on our wedding day. Thank you for building this life with me. Thank you for giving me a husband and a daughter, a son-in-law and a grandson. Thank you for filling my life with more love than I ever thought possible. Thank you for being the other half of me. Thank you…for everything.
With love, always,
Alec
Magnus had to collect himself, hide the emotions on his face and in his heart, before turning his eyes on Alec. He clutched the little journal to his chest, forcing back tears, then looked up to meet Alec's eyes. The red Christmas bow that had adorned the gift was now precariously perched on top of his soft, dark hair, and it wobbled as he raised his head.
"Thank you, Alec," Magnus said, still trying to stifle the emotions Alec's letter had brought out of him. "I'll cherish this always."
Alec leaned in and kissed Magnus gently on the cheek. Magnus turned his face and captured Alec's lips with his own. Words were not necessary. Alec had said all the words already. The love that flowed between them, through their meshed lips, spoke louder than any words.
Everything Alec said hit home for Magnus. Their love story was more than just young love, more than just those first few years when they were learning each other, and learning to love each other. Their story was precious, timeless, a testament to what love can be if both people are willing to give it their all, each and every day.
Magnus read the letter, over and over, every day until he had it memorized. And then he read it some more.
