AN: i am SORRY for taking forever to post this one... the next will follow soon. then i hope i'll be faster than this.
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For the sake of you all who decide to read and have probably forgotten most of the story
SUMMARY
Part I: After defeating the Keeper, the Seeker and his band are ambushed along the way back to Aydindril. The outcome is a disappeared Cara who returns re-broken from Darken Rahl (helped by the Sisters of the Dark) and tries to kill them but unsuccessfully. Afraid that he may hurt her in a burst of rage Richard frees her and she disappears again. The band orphan of the Mord-Sith returns to Aydindril. Kahlan is deeply upset about what has happened to Cara and holding a grudge to Richard for having sent her away. Richard leaves for D'Hara which needs a Rahl to restore order and prevent the civil war.
Part II: Three months after Richard left Aydindril, Kahlan is asked from Shota to follow her in order to save Cara. Kahlan accepts leaving her sister Dennee to rule over the Midlands disguised as the Mother Confessor. Shota unbreaks Cara and hands to the two women a mission: to free Darken and Cara's son from his father's clutches because a vision told her that the tyrant would use the child to regain power and bring war and death to the world. Confessor and Mord-Sith starts a journey that will lead them to rescue the child and to become closer and closer. When they are ambushed from a squad of D'Harans Cara makes an extreme sacrifice to save Kahlan and her son, but the Confessor manages to rescue her anyway. In the grip of the Con Dar Kahlan ragingly confesses Cara and confesses her love for her.
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Chapter 49 – Love laughs and love can make you cry
(Verse from the song "Love gives, love takes")
When Cara woke up two days later, Khalan wasn't there.
Arthur and Eliza had infinitely nagged at their Mistress, insisting that she had to get a full night of sleep in a soft bed and a real meal calmly eaten with her feet under a table, instead of some rustled up snacks hastily consumed while nervously pacing in Cara's room. Kahlan – whose nerves were at the end of the tether – had chastised the confessed couple several times, complaining that she was sick of their hassles and ordering them to leave her alone. After her bursts the Confessor regularly sighed and added the unkindness against those poor two people - who already suffered the grave loss of their free will because of her - to the count of her sins, pledging to be more patient with them the next time and hoping that they'd just let her do as she wished. But the devotion they had for her – that she herself provided to pour into them - was stronger than the fear of her angry snapping at them, so they punctually returned insisting when Kahlan's yawning and brushing her hands on heavy lidded eyes seemed to be good allies to their cause.
When finally Stefan got over his hesitations – for he was still somewhat afraid of Kahlan, after having witnessed the sharpest and scary edge of her resolve - he also showed up and begged her to leave Cara's room to take care of herself, because her exhaustion was honestly becoming worrisome. After hearing his request, Kahlan couldn't bring herself to say no to him. She knew all too well that he was right and that a break from her self-imposed penance was needed. That mistreating herself was of no good for anyone – certainly not for Cara - and wouldn't serve to lessen her faults. So it happened that the petition request from the confessed couple didn't lead Kahlan to reason, but the same prayer spoken from the child did, probably because his face resembled too much the person she'd never bring herself to say no to.
Kahlan decided to allow herself a night of sleep and Eliza prepared the second bedroom of the cottage, eagerly arranging everything for her Mistress' break to be as pleasant and peaceful as possible. The Confessor followed the young wife and stepped in the room. It was small but warm and nice looking. Agreeably lighted with the soft orange glow of many candles and aromatic with the air smelling of olive dry leaves and orange peels withering above the coals of the heath. After Eliza left, leaving her privacy Kahlan noticed a tub filled with pleasantly tepid water. She allowed herself to relax and clean better than she had hurriedly done in the past week - and most of the weeks since some months to tell truth. It seemed to the Confessor that the haunting reek of blood - which hints she thought she still smelled sometimes in the darkest and loneliest of her hours - was finally washed away. A tray with a sumptuous stewed mutton served with fragrant fresh bread and followed by an exquisite goat milk pudding and ripe red grapes drove a loud growl out of her belly and the Confessor did justice to the young wife's culinary efforts. When a properly stuffed Kahlan buried herself in fresh clean sheets and warm blankets scented with lavender, she couldn't deny that having someone this devoted taking care of you had some bright sides after all. She made a point to warmly thank Eliza the next morning.
The relaxing night coupled with the Confessor's fatigue achieved to make her fall in a sleep so heavy that – despite Kahaln's fear for nightmares - bad dreams didn't reach her. The following morning a soft smile was pulling her lips, as she dreamed sweet nonsenses too deeply rooted in her slumber to be remembered upon her waking up. As her misery was forgotten and wrapped in the oblivion of a restoring repose. A delightful awareness silently spreading into her, that such a bliss was too beautiful to be wrong.
But like all the blissful things, it lasted short. At early dawning Eliza rushed in the room - that was opposite to the one where Cara slept - squealing and bustling like crazed; Kahlan was abruptly torn apart from her sweet drowsing and unceremoniously tossed back into the hard reality.
"Mistress, Mistress! Wake up!" She cried, nudging Kahlan's shoulder. The habit of being alert took over the Confessor who rolled over and fumbled with her arms to protect herself from the potential aggressor. In a flash she stretched her hand and seized the neck of the other woman, but realized the situation before releasing anything. Not that confessing Eliza again would make any difference to her - the voice of her conscience snidely jabbed.
"The blonde woman is awake!" Eliza kept on, uncaring of Kahlan's rude reaction. "Arthur and I have watched over her all through the night as you ordered. She's been quiet and hadn't fever and now she's awakening and I've come here immediately to tell you, as you commanded. Did I please you Mistress? I swear that she has barely opened her eyes. I darted here to warn you as soon as-"
"By the Spirits, shut up!" Kahlan croaked gruffly with her palms over her ears. The still sleeping part of her brain wanted to blame this chatterbox for rousing her that brusque way and throwing up so many unnecessary words. Apparently a dull headache had awoken along with Kahlan and her body was begging for more sleep. But eyeing Eliza's heartbroken expression the compassionate part of her finally woke up and she recalled how attentive the young wife had been the night before; Kahlan felt horrible twofold. Besides Eliza was just dutifully following her instructions. Kahlan was the one to blame for confessing her – the sting of guilt bit hard, popping up from the back of her conscience for the umpteenth time. And maybe the fate and its irksome sense of humor were to be blamed as well, for making Cara awake just the morning when Kahlan surrendered to take a break.
She got a grip on herself and tried to blink away the drowsiness. "I'm sorry Eliza I didn't mean to snap at you. Thank you for warning me and for all the things you did for me yesterday." She fluttered her lashes to better focus her sight, conveying all of her gratitude in her look. "You truly pleased me."
The young wife seemed to be on the verge of tears of joy and Kahlan felt a little less horrible. She lifted from the bed and difficultly willed her mind to concentrate on the present. She found herself standing in her nightshift then her senses began to properly work. Suddenly out of the warm blankets and instead wrapped in the crisp morning air she felt shivers running across her skin and a slight dizziness spreading on her. A vague ache was pulsing behind her eyes and the rough sensation of the wooden floor under her bare feet made her realize the contrast between the solid heavy reality and the ethereal inconsistency of her gone sweet dreams. She took a deep intake of the fresh morning air and her mind started processing the notion with more clarity. Cara was awake.
Kahlan strode past Eliza and rushed into Cara's room, her beats instantly picking up a speedier rate. Taking steps, crossing through the door and walking straight to Cara's bed were easy acts that she dealt with automatic self-assurance. Letting her look slip and survey Cara's immobile and relaxed form - checking out of habit that the bandages had been changed and were clean – was a natural reflex that she couldn't control even if she wanted.
But when her eyes lifted up about to meet Cara's, she recalled how the blonde was certainly infuriated with her to say the least. That she'd probably flinch and scowl and scream her anger, if not try to strike her, albeit in her weak condition she'd hardly move at all. She recalled that Cara would express her hate and disgust for Kahlan. That Cara would definitively break her heart. All these thoughts ran across Kahlan's mind in the matter of a split second and she took another deep breath, but never - not even for a heartbeat – did she hesitate. Her look glided sure to face her destiny in the eyes of the woman she loved.
Their gazes met.
And Cara didn't move a muscle. She just blinked and her face stayed blank. And silence stretched between them for what looked like an eternity.
Cara finally broke the stillness with a throaty grunt that vaguely sounded like Kahlan's name. Her expression being of confusion and haze, but nothing else than that. She blinked again.
And Kahlan's heart just melted down. Her knees felt suddenly weak and her stomach rolled turbulently. Regardless of the dread that would happen with the blonde now, a stream of pure elation poured down from her. Cara was there before her, safe and - if not completely sound - in an acceptable condition at least. All her fears and angst for what Cara would think of her suddenly appeared to her nothing but petty trifles. Kahlan knew very well that it wasn't petty and certainly not trifles, for the integrity of her heart depended on the blonde's reaction, but it just shifted to a secondary importance. Cara being safe was primary and above everything else. Cara being alive was a blessing. Cara being close to her, so that she could just contemplate her, watch her sleep or hear the sounds she'd make was a blissful privilege... To feel the warmth of Cara's skin - a deliberate and purposeful touch - would be too much to hope for, but overwhelmed and overjoyed, Kahlan just nonsensically hoped against the hopes. Suddenly she felt like she wanted to laugh and cry and sing and scream at once. Being close to Cara now was like being close to craziness, but one that tasted sweet. She felt that at that moment – despite Cara's face being pale as ever, despite scabs and cuts scattered over it and that absurdly big bandage ringing her forehead - she looked more beautiful and alluring than ever.
A broad radiant smile overcame the awkward frown on Kahlan's face and she glowed with sincere happiness. It could be her imagination, sure, or her wish to see a positive reaction in Cara, but the Confessor could swear that the confusion in the blonde reeled, giving way to a vague hint of awe creeping in her expression; she could swear that Cara's breath slightly hitched and her eyes widened. But even if it was true, it could be because of hundreds of reasons other than for seeing Kahlan's joyful smile. Still the push to lean forward and just hug Cara tightly and press her lips against the blonde's suddenly struck Kahlan so violently that it ached, but she fought her instinct. That the blonde still wasn't giving signs of evident repulsion didn't mean that she wasn't upset and furious. Kahlan busied her shaky hands with clenching around the armrest of the chair and pulling it closer. It loudly scraped against the floor telling how graceless Kahlan's motion was. Then she heavily sat putting her weak knees in a safe position and hoping that Cara wouldn't tell her edginess too easily.
"Spirits, Cara are you really awake?" She broke out, immediately blaming herself for voicing such a stupid question. Her edginess was blatant! "You obviously are… you don't sleep with open eyes… It's just that… it's been a week and you were unconscious all the time and… Spirits, I was so worried! You were always restless and you had fever and nightmares… The stuff the healer gave you helped, but it never lasted long and I tried to be close to you, to soothe you, but…" Kahlan realized that she was ridiculously rambling. Evidently cohabiting with that chatterbox Eliza was rubbing off on her. And her edginess was lifted to the level of ridiculousness. Cara had a strong power over her, over every side of her. "How do you feel?"
Cara blinked again and looked at her still with blank expression.
"Yes I know. Don't speak you are obviously exhausted and have to save your energy." Kahlan mentally chastised herself again, for apparently she couldn't help but keep on tossing out drivels. "But the good thing is that the fever seems to be over now. You must be thirsty and hungry maybe? Is there anything I can do for you? Tell me whatever you want and I will give it to you."
Cara blinked again and didn't give any sign of acknowledgement.
"Creator Cara, say something! You're worrying me!" That Kahlan had ordered Cara not to speak just few moments before was an occurrence odd enough, but that the blonde was now duly complying with something she was told and especially given the circumstances drove the Confessor completely panicked. She'd expect anger or pique at least, or maybe that unique cold detachment that Cara had perfected in to a form of art. But this kind of impassivity was different: she looked like a white page on a book. It wasn't detachment, it was void. What the healer had said – that the blow in the Mord-Sith's head may affect her faculties and even turn her demented – suddenly rang as an alarm bell in her head. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" She asked spelling out words impossibly slow. Distress replacing edginess and coloring her wary voice as much as her cheeks.
Cara eloquently rolled her eyes and curled her lips in a bothered expression that made up for the unvoiced 'Do you think I'm an idiot?!' Kahlan loudly sighed relieved and faintly smiled. Cara clearly still had the faculty of understanding and still was capable of being witty. The blonde slowly moved a hand and limply tapped the bandage wrapping her head and ears.
"Oh you mean you don't hear me?" Kahlan noticed how actually, between the bandage and the many pillows, Cara's ears were practically clogged. She sighed in relief and moved to fix the bandage so that Cara's ears were free. "Better?" She asked pulling back. Cara grunted, weakly working with her hand and brushing her head against the pillows, trying to slip the loosened bandage out of her forehead.
"You must keep that. The healer said that-" Before the Confessor could finish her argument the bandage had slipped out and Cara was weakly tossing it away. Kahlan moved some wisps of blonde hair aside and inspected the injury that was now completely closed. She decided to grant Cara this small victory. Not without letting her know her opinion though. "Mule head! Not even a sledge hammer was capable of breaking that hard skull of yours!"
Cara's face stayed impassive but she moved her mouth as if speaking, although no sound got past her throat. However Kahlan easily lip-read the short word Cara had formed. 'Ax'.
"Mule head and nitpicking! Whatever was the weapon, the result is still that you never listen and always do on your own stubborn way!"
The tiniest curve pulled the corner of Cara's mouth in a faint version of her smug grin; the brunette's words were more a compliment than a reprimand to her. Kahlan's heart just clenched with joy.
"I'm glad that your head is so hard and didn't get broken." Kahlan let out. It was meant to be a quip, but the hearty tone revealed how worried Kahlan had been. And how relieved she was now.
The Confessor realized how exchanging small talk with Cara was enough to remove any oppressive weight from her shoulders and she also processed that the blonde had just allowed a touch from her. Nothing but soft brushes with her fingertips, and a small racking of her hand through blonde hair, but that Cara hadn't even flinched as she leaned closer wasn't something that Kahlan would consider of little importance. It looked like the bad experiences of the past weeks - and especially what Kahlan did to Cara in the clearing - had never happened and they were joking carefree like they once used to do. Kahlan was suddenly reminded of how much she had missed just being in Cara's company; the both of them free to be themselves and simply enjoy the small time together. But that longing to be completely free, lowering their defenses and allowing a true contact was always lingering into Kahlan.
The Confessor had barely touched Cara, but even that small sip was fueling her thirst. Heat was simmering into her and her fingers already prickled to fully tangle in blonde hair and run across silken skin, but she knew better to keep her hands off Cara. Or keep her lips apart from Cara's unless the other woman made clear that such contact was granted. How ludicrous it felt to think of such a thing now! Cara would let her that close again in the day the sky would reverse its place with the sea. And if that day would ever come then Kahlan knew that she'd be able to fly in the sea and walk on the surface of the sky out of her mere happiness. But this all was foolish nonsense. Cara was out of her reach now and the first she'd become accustomed with it, the better.
Sure, but the memory of that consuming last kiss burned like fire in Kahlan's mind and body. Try as she might to feel ashamed of taking advantage of Cara at that moment, she couldn't deny how arousing it was kissing Cara that hungry feral way. To hold her possessively and to play in balance between eagerly giving and rudely taking; a game that Kahlan was sure Cara was well versed with and had probably appreciated in the years of her Mord-Sith's career. Maybe it was just habit that made her play that game at that moment when she had indubitably returned Kahlan's kiss. Maybe…
"So do you hear me better now?" She asked, blinking away her perilous wonderings.
Cara nodded but her expression was musing. She held the pillow and pressed it against her good ear, then looked at Kahlan prompting her to speak again.
"What about now?" Kahlan tested speaking low. Cara concentrated with furrowing eyebrows. Her lips curled downward and she slightly tipped her head to Kahlan who repeated a bit louder. Cara just pressed the pillow against her ear harder and her frown deepened. All the mirth evaporated in a moment.
"Your ear… it doesn't…?" Kahlan failed to say it aloud, but Cara slightly shook her head to confirm that she was deaf on the harmed side.
Kahlan's hand instantly ran to Cara's wrist and she tenderly squeezed. "I'm so sorry Cara…" The other woman wrenched her arm from the grip and turned her head around; clear-cut lines running across her forehead. "It may not be definitive. It may recover with time…"
Cara's eyes stayed averted; her lips obstinately pinched. Cold dropped on them and suddenly Kahlan didn't know how to act. Too late she recognized how piteous and pointless her words had just been; Cara was a proud Mord-Sith, used to torture and pain. She didn't want pity or consolation. She didn't need a sniveling Kahlan to give her false hopes or remind her that in battle there were often losses that couldn't be fixed. She needed time and space to work out on her own and Kahlan slowly dragged her hand away and stayed silent. She pondered for a moment whether leaving, but found herself incapable of getting far from Cara now. Soon she'd move, but now it was too early, they'd barely traded some words and she didn't want Cara to be alone now despite the awkwardness being heavy and Cara's gaze obstinately held apart. She was probably wishing to be on her own or at least that she had something to draw the attention on something else other than her misfortunes.
She was clenching her fists and staring at them; Kahlan immediately guessed what kind of solace she was longing.
"Your Agiels are in a safe and locked spot here. I had to ensure that no one would accidentally get hurt. And you can't touch them now, you're too weak."
The last word made Cara's nose scrunch and her look was a mixture of nervous and anger; two deep vertical lines were now cut through her forehead, restoring that typical Mord-Sith's stern mode. Maybe she felt that she had to compensate the lack of her weapons with sporting her Mord-Sith's alertness. Cara started assessing the surrounding, obviously trying to figure where she was and probably trying to recall what had happened. When she caught sight of Eliza - who was uncomfortably leaning against the hinge of the door – her look became even more suspicious and she scowled deeper; her body stiffening under the covers.
"It's okay Cara. She's Eliza. She and her husband Arthur... they are... friends." Kahlan touched on, unable to control the slight blush on her cheeks. "Trusted ones... We are in their home."
Cara's gaze switched from Eliza to Kahlan and then back on the young wife. That peculiar expression on the face of the hostess - a mixture of adoration and slight mortification for having been pushed aside from her Mistress, who clearly had eyes only for the blonde woman - spoke in lieu for whatever clumsy explanation from Kahlan. Cara's eyes narrowed to two thin slits and the Confessor bit her lower lip, knowing that she was caught. Nonetheless she was incapable of mentioning aloud the improper use of her powers with Cara for the time being. Instead she gave a huffy sign to Eliza dismissing her and the woman walked away with a bitter face that just reinforced Cara's supposition.
"We came here after the battle… It snowed most of the time since then, paths are impassable." Kahlan reassured her, but her true aim was diverting attention from her obvious fault. "We're safe here and Stefan is-"
Cara's deep frowning was suddenly broken and she jumped panicked on the pillows. Her eyes widening at the reference of her son.
"Everything's fine, calm down." Kahlan's hands ran in spite of her and she held the blonde on her shoulders, leading her back to the mattress. Again Cara didn't seem to mind that much about being touched from the other woman and again it surprised Kahlan. She almost expected her palms to burn with contact with Cara's skin this time. But she withdrew her hold before the blonde could realize and complain. "He's fine. He's in the living room with Arthur."
Cara looked skeptically at Kahlan and a retort was clearly lingering on the tip of her tongue, but still she didn't spill a word.
"He's okay, I swear to you. Arthur is trusted and capable. Here we have nothing to be afraid of. I can call the boy here." Kahlan proposed. "You surely want to see him and-"
Cara's eyes widened again and she shook her head decisively 'NO'. Panic spread on her now pinker cheeks and Kahlan wondered what it was the problem with the child now. But she decided not to press the Mord-Sith, who looked suddenly more tired.
A heavy silence enveloped them again and to Kahlan everything seemed surreal with the two of them close and acting civil despite the loads of outstanding things unspoken and heaving under the ceiling. Despite their last exchange having been all but civil. There was some sort of odd calm hanging over them now, although the tension was palpable. Probably there still hadn't been any outburst because Cara was exhausted and probably this calm was just being the quiet before the storm. Yet, although Cara's pique was evident, it wasn't crossing through the edge of anger apparently and the Mord-Sith wasn't one for hiding her anger; if she had something that irritated her, you could wager that she'd find a direct way to let you know that. Likely with the help of her Agiels. And to think better, not only had Cara still not lashed out at her, but she still hadn't spoken at all. Not a single word. The entire situation was absurd.
"Do you remember when I came back to you in that clearing?" The whispered question slipped out of Kahlan's mouth before she could actually think of what she was asking.
Cara's face returned blank and she remained in that sort of trance for a quantity of time that Kahlan couldn't gauge, maybe seconds maybe hours... She was sitting by Cara's deaf side so maybe she had spoken too low and Cara hadn't heard her? Maybe Cara was trying to recall that moment? Or to forget it? Kahlan lacked the courage to ask again and Cara stayed mute for long moments. The tension grew higher and Kahlan felt taut as a bowstring; that prolonged stillness was more excruciating than yells and threats. When the blonde parted her lips - Kahlan's breath held and her beats impossibly hammering - a rush of coughing caught her and she tried to catch her breath, but the juddering of her chest just coupled with aching pangs of her multiple wounds and she was helpless.
Kahlan ran to help her to sit, but Cara waved her off before the Confessor could make contact. Kahlan recorded the dull thud of her heart being dented from Cara's brusque rejection, but that wasn't the moment for self-pity. She called Eliza - who immediately peeked out - and ordered her to bring fresh water. When the young wife came back with a pitcher and two glasses, Cara's onset had calmed into a murmured hacking. The Confessor filled a glass and glanced at Cara, unsure whether the blonde would accept it. It was a stupid idea; despite what had happened between them - namely Kahlan angrily attempting to confess Cara - it was nonsensical thinking that Cara may expect Kahlan handing her something harmful. Yet how could Kahlan expect Cara to trust her? Who could ever know how Cara would react to their new state?
Cara's thirsty gaze spoke for the blonde's willingness to accept the water; she loudly swallowed in anticipation with a noticeable bob of her throat knob and the Confessor warned her to drink only few sips and slowly, or it would make her throw up. Cara paid no attention to the recommendation and as Kahlan handed the glass close to her lips, she gulped down greedily. Kahlan took the water away and the Mord-Sith coughed again and protested with a coarse grunt. Kahlan felt moved and granted her another small sip of the liquid relief. It was an odd situation in which Kahlan felt in subjection of Cara's judgment, but still she had the upper hand on the physically impaired blonde and was somewhat the one leading the situation between the two of them.
After drinking Cara seemed to relax a bit and sank down on the pillows, her weakness painfully obvious now. The features of her face telling of her exhaustion with dark circles cut through under her eyes and a crown of wildly tousled golden mane framing the sharp ridge of her cheekbones, jutting out more noticeably than usual. Kahlan's question seemed momentarily forgotten and the tension washed away from tiredness.
The rational and opportunist part of Kahlan thought that it was regard for Cara's condition, if she didn't ask again. But the honest - and bigger - part of her knew better that it was cowardice what took over her and made her drop the topic for the time being. No doubt that Cara would get back on track to claim her toll of wrath against the treacherous Confessor as soon as forces would allow her.
Kahlan couldn't still stand the guilt for what she had done. She'd probably never stand it, but facing Cara on this issue was her worst nightmare. One she knew would swallow her sooner than later. But she wasn't prepared now, having slept too little and being still confused with the joy for seeing Cara finally awake and in her right mind. She needed more time to think of what she may say, although she already knew it wasn't a matter of time for finding the right words. There just weren't words neither right nor wrong. There weren't words at all to say, to explain, to excuse, to admit or confess. There was just an infinite guilt with which Kahlan would never learn to live with.
"You should get some rest." She piteously offered, suddenly feeling tired as much as Cara. "We'd better stop talking now."
"For my own sake or yours?" Cara retorted crossly.
Hearing the sound of a raspy voice that had waited thus far to echo, Kahlan gasped and her heart sank somewhere deep down in her belly. Her face instantly burned hotter than the sun and she knew she was sporting an uncharacteristic crimson on her cheeks. But Cara wasn't seeing this all. She had already closed her eyes and dozed off with exhaustion.
Leaving Kahlan to deal with her doubts and fears.
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In the days following Cara switched several times between a feverish oblivion and a feeble consciousness, during which she often had those episodes of 'void' that Kahlan had noticed the first time she woke up. Cara would just stare blankly at some point of the horizon and wouldn't answer or give sign of even acknowledging the presence of people around her. It was a pretty frequent occurrence and it lasted for some moments, even minutes at the beginning. Every time Kahlan saw Cara like that, she was in distress thinking the worst about the consequences of the blow to her head, but tried to hide her panic. She just dared to hold Cara's hand and waited for her to come back to reality and give her some kind of feedback.
There wasn't much more interaction than this between the two women or with the other people of the cottage because Cara laid in bed all the time and slept most of the day and the night. Her glaring had made more than clear that she didn't like Eliza and her growls toward Arthur were a warning for him not to come close. Neither of the two had done anything to gain her antipathy, but still it was clear that having them around plainly irritated Cara. Mord-Sith were not renowned for their sociability, and Cara having an ailment and being helpless wasn't helping at making her feel at ease with known people, let alone with strangers. Kahlan pointlessly tried to mediate between the grumpy blonde and the confessed couple, feeling like there were several children in that house and the only actual one was the person behaving more responsibly than the others. Cara's mistrust was earnestly reciprocated from Arthur and Eliza, who weren't looking favorably on that ungrateful blonde who catalyzed all the caring attentions of their Mistress and dared to rudely treat the adored Confessor in return. Not to mention that the irksome grumpy woman took possession of their bedroom and didn't bother to drop a thanking word.
Or a word at all to tell the truth. In fact the other consequence of Cara's damage was that the Mord-Sith had completely stopped talking. Kahlan didn't know if it was due to the blow to her head or something else, because the first day Cara was awake she had given evidence that she was still capable of verbal communication. She had spoken, though only a few short words, but terribly sharp. And that cut still pulsed in Kahlan's already tormented conscience.
Despite this, Kahlan's presence was still tolerated from Cara and actually she was the only one who took care of her. The blonde was extremely weak and still had many aching wounds and bandages that limited her movements, including the arm that had been broken and was now tightly wrapped and immobilized. Thus Kahlan helped her with feeding and watering in addition to tending the wounds and changing the swathes. Which – to Kahlan's fortune or maybe disgrace - implied disrobing Cara and touching many parts of her bare skin. To Kahlan those were extremely difficult moments, struggling between the dread for Cara's hate and despise and the embarrassment to touch Cara in a way that, if not intimate, was however extremely private.
Those silent sessions were some sort of blissful torture to Kahlan who would normally enjoy being forced close to a skimpily dressed Cara, but in this case she instead felt a constant ache and was deeply affected by this blunt poking to the embers of her badly stifled desire. Helping Cara with slowly pulling off her shift couldn't be disjointed in Kahlan's mind from an act that she'd gladly do in a completely different context. Delicately brushing her fingertips to take cloths off or gently circling with her thumbs over the bronze skin of her belly, feeling the play of tensing muscles as she caressed that flat expanse to apply balms, was something impossible for Kahlan to consider else than a hot foreplay. Cara's light breathing and the small groans she'd emit when pain would trip through her resistance were a deranging soundtrack and the only sounds – other than her own labored breath and the hammering of her heart – which Kahlan would hear. And the same sounds that she dreamed in the night of her feverish hot dreams, where the silken touch of soft tanned curves, the delicate whisper of blonde hair on her skin and the entrancing smell of leather would overload Kahlan's senses with forbidden longing and make her wake up all sweaty and needy.
She tried her honest best to swallow back her raunchy hunger, but the soft curves of Cara's ripe form just before her very eyes, at her hands' reach, just so close to her mouth to be kissed and adored was something that she could hardly stand and keep the controlled demeanor she was called to honor. Moving her hands around Cara's injured thigh while kneeling practically between her legs drove her wild. Lowering clothes to expose Cara's punctured shoulder and working there so close to her breasts, inhaling the scent of her hair, crossing her gaze with Cara's… that was pure craziness. Again, being close to Cara was being close to craziness and this time it had the sour taste of a pipe dream. One too many seconds lingering with her yearning look, one too sharp intake of air, one wrong move of her shaky hands on her skin and Cara may suddenly burst and devour her alive with the claim of her fault. Why she still hadn't done it was a mystery to Kahlan, but she knew that it was a matter of time. It would happen at some point, probably soon. And she wasn't ready. She'd never be ready.
The really odd part of this all was that Cara didn't seem to care much about Kahlan's ministrations and about anything at all. She was mostly in her trance state when nursing times came. She just sat there in the bed, silent as always and staring at a point somewhere beyond the wall. Sometimes pain would bring her back to present and she'd just keep on being stoic and keeping her gaze absent but obstinately averted from the other woman's. Seemingly unconcerned of Kahlan's touches or of her evident fluster; she just stayed there impassive and didn't spill a single word throughout all the time. Confusing Kahlan beyond words.
After taking care of Cara's wounds Kahlan always stepped out of the room drained and feeling like she had just endured a Mord-Sith training. After all it could be possible that Cara's attitude now was just another form of torture. Her silence was a chilling blade slowly penetrating Kahlan's chest deeper and deeper with every passing day. Not knowing what the blonde thought; facing her was like facing a wall impossible to see through and it was tearing the Confessor apart. Cara was one with temper, if she was acting this 'non-acting' way it was certainly because she was disappointed beyond any reaction. After deep and lacerating pondering Kahlan had come to the conclusion that Cara didn't deem her even worthy of her hate; that she had become nothing to her and as such Cara just totally ignored her. And such treatment was the worst pain Kahlan could think of.
Stefan was also allowed in Cara's room but every time he walked in there Cara would slip into her 'void' moments or fall asleep. He used to silently sit on the edge of her bed, waiting and sometimes daring to touch her hand or slightly stroke her hair. He sighed all the time, but never cried before her.
Kahlan could understand why Cara was mistreating her, but couldn't find any reason for the Mord-Sith to hurt her son. Also the first day Cara woke up she refused to see him and now she always pretended to sleep not to look at him. What the heck had happened to her mule head?
Two weeks after their arrival to the cottage, Cara's condition had considerably improved. She was awake most of the daytime, though she still hadn't left the bed. The wounds were mostly healed and it seemed that she wasn't plagued with pain any longer. All the bandages were removed except for the one around her arm. Other than that, only some dimming bruises and dry scabs were the faint memories picturing some signs here and there over her body. With the ceasing of Kahlan's tending sessions, Cara's 'void' moments had also become rarer and apparently happened only when Stefan tried to approach her.
Since the boy wasn't stupid and had learned in his years by the Concealed Fort that being alone was better than being close to someone who didn't want you around, he had stopped visiting Cara. But that didn't mean that he stopped wanting to see her and wanting her to talk to him like she did before. The last memory he had about their dealings was when they ran in the woods, a moment of fun and closeness as intense as he had never lived with her. He had even dared to tell her that he loved her, which Stefan knew were words uncomfortable for Cara to hear, but still a claim that he couldn't retain from her even if he wanted. A tight hug was the response that Cara gave him and he couldn't think of anything else that could have made him happier at that moment.
They traded another hug after that one, when in the middle of the battle Cara came to rescue him from a soldier. She was injured and her expression was terribly upset at that moment; he just fell into her arms terrorized and weak. He still remembered the warmth of her arms tightening around him and the shaking of her body protectively enclosing him. She was scared as well, he had recognized that doubtlessly. That was a feeling he'd never thought he may see in Cara. She however stared square in his eyes and pledged with him that she'd manage to have him safe. After that, he only caught glimpses of her form fighting like a fury, never being allowed to cross his gaze with hers again. Not knowing what she had in mind to do, namely to deliberately push him and Kahlan away on horseback to battle the soldiers alone. Without chance to say anything else, without a word of farewell. Knowing that she'd get killed and they'd never see anymore. It broke his heart that she pushed him away like that. Sure it was to protect him, but still it felt like some sort of rejection, like she wanted to be alone at that decisive moment. 'I'm expendable' she had screamed and that alone said everything about Cara not wanting to allow anyone to get emotionally close to her. Seeing the red of her leathers becoming littler and littler in the distance… seeing her encircled from all those soldiers pouncing on her… seeing her for what he thought was the last tragic time broke him.
Because it was all his fault.
She had always been invincible in his eyes, it seemed impossible that she could be overcome. She was always so bold, so cocky… she was Badass what the heck! Nonetheless… That the assignment of escorting him could cost her life had never crossed his mind before. But now it was clear to the both of them how high the risk was that she ran for him. And he was sure that she was mad at him for having been the reason of so much hassle to her. For having been the cause of her almost dying.
Cara had been appointed to take Stefan out of his prison and bring him to Aydindril. It was a duty that she was given and that she didn't ask for. He wasn't a fool and had noticed that Cara had somehow grown attached to him; nonetheless he knew that he merely represented a mission to accomplish to her. That after arriving in Aydindril she'd have other tasks to fulfill in the service of her Lord Rahl. She had taken care of often and vehemently remarking that she'd rejoin her Master and would leave as soon as they'd reach the Capital of the Midlands. Stefan was now sure that she was looking forward to getting rid of him and that she harbored a grudge for what had happened to her because of him.
That's why she didn't even want to see him, much less talk to him. That's why he decided to play along with her decision and let the distance between them grow wider and colder.
And cold is what his heart felt like since he had lost Cara in that clearing.
Try as he might to look for a bit of comfort in Kahlan, he was still somewhat wary with her after having witnessed a side of her that he had never guessed she owned. It felt like she had suddenly become a stranger to him. Kahlan had always been the sweet and comprehensive one of the group; the blood soaked fury he had seen during the battle was a version of her which he was still trying to reconcile with. Later - after the battle, after Cara was fixed from the healer, after that they all took a bit of rest – Kahlan tried to explain to him that she had been angry and terrorized; that she acted like she did in order to save him and Cara, doing what she had to even if it was something that she wasn't proud of. She kept from him what happened with Cara in the clearing, it was unnecessary to confuse the child more than he already was. Anyway the Confessor was upset herself as well and distracted with taking care of the Mord-Sith, so he didn't really find solace in her. How envious was Stefan of the hours Kahlan spent in that room with Cara, although she reported daily to him that the blonde was constantly mute and impassive. The Confessor told him that it could be because of a bad blow Cara suffered to her head, but that didn't explain the precision with which Cara fell unconscious or in trance exactly every time Stefan stepped in her room.
He spent most of his days with Arthur and Eliza, who were kind and caring to him, but he knew that the reason was that Kahlan ordered them to be so. It was a fake affection and although they really looked like good people, it was clear that the attention they gave him wasn't unconditional and that their hearts laid elsewhere. In fact as the brunette showed herself, every other thing just ceased to exist for them. It was a miserable condition he thought – being constantly yearning for something that would always be out of their reach - and he could see the weight in Kahlan's eyes every time the confessed couple's adoration reminded her of the irreparable tort she made to those two innocent. She had endured this guilt for Cara and now Cara was punishing her. And punishing him.
He had been anxious at the beginning and just yearning like a child for Cara to talk to him. And well, how could it be different? A child he was! And one who was in awe of her. Then he got mad at her and her stupid impassive manner, her silent stubbornness. He renounced visiting her both because of his pique and not to be painfully rubbed of her indifference. Then he just slid into resignation and despondency.
That day he was sitting by the kitchen table and wasn't feeling hungry; Eliza was gently pushing him to eat the good things she had prepared – mostly to impress Kahlan, truth be told – because he was a cute munchkin who needed to grow and become strong.
"That irksome blonde fetter sleeping over there doesn't deserve your pout, you know little one?" She blurted out and he stared back at her with gaping mouth. The thinning veil of his resistance was suddenly torn so he just started helplessly sobbing, releasing tears since long days held back and tossing himself into Eliza's arms.
Kahlan entered in the kitchen right at that moment and saw him like that. She sized up Eliza with a glower, mutely asking for an explanation and the confessed woman just awkwardly gabbled - with the sniffing boy still gripping to her lap - that the child had just broke out in tears after she mentioned the grumpy tongue-tied pain in the other room.
That was too much.
Kahlan grabbed the steaming bowl of food destined to Cara from the table – taking care of berating Eliza's verbal impudence with the mere flick of her angry gaze - and resolutely marched into the Mord-Sith's room. She thrust the door wide open and stomped in, slamming it close with a powerful kick. The bang achieved to draw Cara's attention; she quickly turned her head around, but when she saw that it was just Kahlan she returned feigning indifference. The blonde was sitting in the bed with her back leaning on the headboard. She blinked twice then gave Kahlan a look of indistinct tedium and a vague surprise displayed with a lifted eyebrow.
"This stuff has gone too far!" Kahlan boomed striding close to her and slamming the bowl on the nightstand with an uncoordinated twitch. The spoon bounced against the ceramic and some drops of scalding soup flew out landing on Kahlan's backhand; the brunette hissed her pain and her anger heated up twofold.
The blonde regarded her through the steam coming from the bowl with two lifted eyebrows. The vaguest mixture of curiosity and amusement for Kahlan's odd behavior was pulling her expression.
"You want to ignore me?! Pretend that I don't exist?! Works fine! But you can't treat that poor boy like this!" Kahlan yelled feeling a wave of angry heat rising to her face and instantly erasing every trace of amusement from Cara's face. The tension the Confessor had amassed was immeasurable and although she knew that if it all exploded now the consequences were unpredictable, she couldn't stand this pointless limbo anymore. "Are you going to talk to me or we'll pretend that you can't for a little longer?"
Cara just huffed and shrugged; boredom and a slight annoyance replacing her previous curiosity.
"Oh no, you won't get by with a shrug! Now we talk!"
Cara threw her a meaningful sideway glance then absently stretched her good arm to take the bowl. It was a pointless attempt for they both knew that with her other arm immobilized, she wasn't able to properly feed herself and despite Mord-Sith's congeniality for pain, burns owed to the boiling soup leaking with her uncoordinated movements weren't something that Cara may long for. The aim was conveying that there wouldn't be any talk and that the Confessor would better keep her nose out of Cara's business, but Kahlan's adamant expression should have given Cara a clue of the futility of such an attempt. She snagged Cara's elbow before she reached the bowl and grabbed it tight.
"I won't let you evade again! Time for recovering is over. Now you tell me what the hell you are doing and you'll just stop being the stubborn selfish bitch who you have been in the past weeks, is that understood?!"
Cara turned to face Kahlan square in her face; her nostrils flared and eyes narrowed. Anger plainly growing into her and Kahlan inwardly thought that she was on the right track.
"Come on, show me how scary Mistress Cara Mason can be!" An equally fuming Kahlan teased her. Her hand still gripping hard Cara's upper arm. "Yeah go off on me, let me see if you still have a bit of spine in there! Or maybe you prefer to take another nap?!"
Blush spread on Cara's cheeks and her eyebrows pictured a sullen marked line over her even more narrowed eyes.
"I'm so sick of you acting like a silly mule head! Hold the grudge against me as tight as you want, but leave the child out of this! Who the hell do you think you are? What the hell passes through that stupid mind of yours?"
Cara blew from her nostrils hard, but then her face relaxed and her look became blank.
"What's that, you've become mental with that blow to your head?!" Kahlan forcibly shook her arm, by now knowing well that Cara's glassy attitude was most likely a self-defense strategy.
Cara blinked the haze away and bared her teeth; her fist clenched around the sheets. Kahlan felt the muscles of her arm solid and thick tensing up under her palm.
"You mucking around here, mum and stunned all the time! This is not the Cara I know! This is not the Cara I went to rescue!" … This is not the Cara I love and I confessed! her overexcited mind supplied, but she managed to bite back her shamelessness.
Cara emitted a low growl from the back of her throat and scrunched up her nose; her eyes two thin sea-green slits sparkling with furious resentment.
"Scream your anger, lash out at me!" Kahlan pressed her. She was close, very close, she could feel it. "For the Spirits' sake Cara, SAY SOMETHING!"
Kahlan gasped breathless and looked at her hand. She was grasping Cara so tight that her knuckles were white and the blonde's flesh around her fist as well. It had to be a painful clutch but Cara wasn't paying the barest attention to it. Sea-green pools of animosity were glued on the Confessor's glinting eyes. Cara's full lips shaking with rage and slowly parting. The split in the lower lip was now a clean but still vivid red line giving an even sterner air to the blonde. Cara sharply breathed in before equally sharply breathing out her response.
"You failed me Kahlan."
Four dry words slowly flew out carried by a hard voice, spoken from an even harder face.
And all of Kahlan's anger evaporated in a moment. Cara's ability for synthetizing was no less exceptional and devastating at once. Kahlan's hand loosened the grip and she backed off, reeling a bit under the realization that the dreaded moment, the open confrontation with Cara and her rampage had come. She heavily flopped down on the edge of the bed, her hand now absently leaning on the sheets, inert after leaving contact with Cara. It seemed like touching the Mord-Sith was what had given Kahlan all that charged emotion. All of a sudden Kahlan felt cold and limp. Drained.
"I… I… I did, I know…" She trailed off, incapable of adding any other word. Whatever she'd say, it would just make things worse. So maybe now it was just time to shut up and roll with the punches until she'd fall down ravaged and devastated.
"You gave me your word." Cara accused again, harsh as anything. "I trusted you…" Her low-pitched voice went deeper and drawled on the word 'trusted' so that it sounded like a wolfish growl."… and you…"
Kahlan physically felt the creak. It was coming from her chest and it felt like a feeble ache, a pinprick of exquisite pain about to spread like wildfire and explode. It was her heart about to be irreparably torn up and shattered in a million splinters. Her ears were ringing with the words she'd now hear from Cara: … and you confessed me, you tried to kill me! I'll never forgive you! I hate you!
"… you broke your promise! You swore you'd protect him and instead you left him alone."
Kahlan blinked. This was unexpected. Her mouth parted to speak, but the storm of blames that had raged in her mind until seconds ago had suddenly ceased. A roaring silence of bewilderment was blowing between her ears now.
"You wanted me to say something? That's it! You've been a colossal failure Kahlan!" Cara spat angered.
"T-That's it…?" Kahlan mumbled confused.
"That's it! You weren't even capable of running away with him! Standing still and gawping and doing absolutely nothing! I had to spur your horse myself. You just had to ride away and being safe, but no! You wanted to do things your own way, you had to be compassionate and stupid! You had to come back, risking everything when you should have gone ahead! Creator Kahlan, I trusted you, I had expectations on you and you were a complete delusion!"
"That's it…" Kahlan repeated dumbly.
"That's it yes! And stop gawping like an idiot, it's unnerving!" Cara ragingly grumbled. "That's it, what else?!"
"What else?! Don't you remember that…" She hesitated, her heart quivering before speaking that aloud.
"What?!" Cara barked and Kahlan's world was suddenly turned upside down.
It lasted a fraction of heartbeat. The moment between Kahlan was going to complete her question, to release the compromising words cramped in her throat and the moment when she realized the unimaginable opportunity she was graced by. The tendrils of her selfish heart instantly stretched out to clutch the truth and keep it from Cara, holding it blocked between the Confessor's tongue sticking against her palate. A fraction of a heartbeat was the time that Kahlan needed to realize that Cara didn't remember that and figure an entire lifetime of inexpressible happiness unfurling before her at the bare forming of the unfinished surmise: If she has no memory of what happened then…
Kahlan's brain fought between the opposite instincts of pursuing the truth – like she had always been taught to do – and the forbidden purpose of searching for her own happiness – which she had equally always been taught not to chase. She'd been sure until a moment ago that she'd never be allowed happiness anymore and glimpsing such a mirage in the distance made her integrity strongly careen. The fight lasted shamefully short and then the moment when she could have just said it and make things clear, although broken forever between them, the moment she could put to inescapable and definitive death her story with Cara - but doing it in observance of Confessors' honesty - that moment was gone.
Another and more horrible stain of falsity was suddenly smearing the white of the Mother Confessor. It had the red-blood shade of Cara's leathers and the shape of an open palm; stretched fingers ready to close around the truth's throat and smother its cry. It's not actually lying, I'm just omitting… I will tell her at some point, just not now… I just need a bit more time, it won't hurt her…
How mean even the loftiest of hearts can be, when its preservation is exposed to danger… How credible even the most pitiful excuses can sound to the ears of who wants to believe to the most blatant deception. How easily can a conscience be silenced when you're given a chance to have your love back instead of losing it forever…
Kahlan swallowed the truth back and regained an unexpected cool head; part of her wondering when she had become that cynical, where had her Confessor's honesty ended up. How could she have got in so deep? Why did she fall in love with Cara? What was the price for giving her heart to a Mord-Sith?
She resumed where she had left with surprising extemporization. "Don't you remember that the child is here safe and sound?"
"I remember that the fucking asshole Commander stabbed me and I stabbed him, that I was lying on the ground… and that I saw you coming on a horse!" She hissed with indignation. "You had given me your word that you'd protect him and where was Stefan at that moment?! You abandoned him to reach for me."
Kahlan instinctively sharpened her powers to read Cara. It wasn't in her faculty to read a Mord-Sith but it was clear that Cara remembered the moment when they saw each other after the battle, but she didn't seem to recall what happened between them after that moment… How could it be? The blow to her head… there wasn't any other explanation. The healer had said that there could be consequences with such a brain damage and the loss of memory – moreover happened in traumatic circumstances - was an absolutely plausible one.
Kahlan shook her head trying to clear her mind and be rational, but it was hard. She was feeling lightheaded and unable to think of the whole scenario with the necessary lucidity. She had to carefully weigh her words and take time. She made her mind up not to veer the speech toward the complicated dealings between them, but keep a neutral profile because now there was the pressing task to calm an infuriated Cara. The blonde was out of herself, but for reasons that Kahlan was sure she could dismantle, if only she could manage to stop her brain revolving around Cara's amnesia and her head ceasing to spin. She summoned all her composure and hid her inner turmoil deep inside. That place of hers was becoming crowded as of late.
"I protected him. Nothing has happened to him." She coldly uttered.
"What a nerve you have!" Cara snarled; her forefinger pointing straight to Kahlan's face. "You left him alone! He might be captured at any moment and you weren't with him!"
"I hid him and committed him to trusted peo-"
"Are you fooling me?!" Cara screamed rabid; red spread wide in her cheeks and neck. "You ditched him here in this godforsaken farm with those two simpletons. Just because you confessed two idiots and obliged them to possibly martyr themselves for you it doesn't mean that they'd afford any semblance of protection! Any D'Haran could swoop in on here and take him without the slightest effort!"
"I took more precautions and it worked out fine. Now both he's safe and you're alive." The Confessor retorted furrowing her eyebrows. Cara's exaggerate reaction and ingratitude was starting to niggle at her.
"Creator only knows how comes that your absurd plan worked!" Cara threw her hands in the air, exasperated and angry. "You risked everything. How could you?! You gave me your word!"
"Even if I had the thinnest opportunity to save you both, I had to catch it. Your life means as much as-"
"Spare me the Confessor shit! You hadn't the barest idea of what you were doing!"
"I hadn't any other choice, all right?!" Kahlan snapped crossly. "Nor any time for arranging a better plan. I did what was needed!" She felt a renewed wave of heat rising up on her own face and a tingle in her throat.
"You had the choice to do what I told you to! You should have left me there!"
"I've lost you once and won't allow it to happen again!" Kahlan's voice cracked and her eyes stung with peeve and frustration. Her resolve not to expose herself about her care for Cara was incredibly short lived and flying out of the window by now. Why was Cara so irritated for having been rescued? Didn't she know that Kahlan would break without her? Didn't she know how wrecked Kahlan had felt when Cara disappeared some months before?
"You should have let me die! I never asked you to save me!" Cara yelled furiously, trembling and spilling sweat with the rage.
"Is this what you wanted? To get killed?!" Kahlan screamed outraged as well.
At that moment she recalled that in Mord-Sith's twisted logic dying for accomplishing a mission was an honor, so maybe Cara had also considered to sacrifice herself there in that clearing a prized opportunity to wave goodbye and be free from whatever sentimental tangle. Or maybe she hated having been the vulnerable part in the process? Maybe she thought that Kahlan now expected something from her in return? Like gratitude and apologies… and even the commitment to be sincere from now on? Albeit it would be totally unlikely to expect those things from Cara, the Confessor strung along with the idea for a brief instant. Then another fearsome idea flashed in Kahlan's mind: could it be that Cara remembered the confession and regretted having survived just to live that horrible moment? The moment in which Kahlan lowered her probity down to aggressive abjection and Cara's feelings were proved to be confession-proof.
"Is it so awful that you're still alive? Is it so hideous that I rescued you in spite of everything…?" Kahlan murmured afflicted.
"What is hideous is that...-" Cara hesitated. Then she huffed and shrugged, leaving her thought unspoken.
"What?"
"Forget it." Cara waved her hand dismissing the thing. "The point is that-"
"I don't give a damn about the point!" Kahlan's rage burned higher. Was Cara remembering or not? What exactly was bothering her? "You preferred to be slew from that squad rather than be honest with me?!"
"I'd have preferred to die a hundred times rather than lose my faith in you!" Cara cried out slamming her palms against the mattress. Her eyes gleamed with anger as lively as Kahlan had rarely seen in her. "How can I trust you again now…?" Her head lowered and a blonde curtain concealed Cara's face to the other woman. She stood there perfectly still with her flat hands on the bed and sagged shoulders. And Kahlan finally had confirmation that this was what bothered Cara and not that other thing... That she evidently didn't remember that other thing...
"Cara I had to..." She gently covered the blonde's hand with hers.
Surprisingly Cara looked hurt and now that the fear for her recalling the confession was swept away, the Confessor's irritation waned, leaving room for a deep tenderness. She squeezed Cara's soft hand in hers, looking for a sincere eye contact. Cara turned to her, sea-green eyes dripping with dejection and bringing forth a chilling shiver down Kahlan's spine with a sharp realization: she had to tell Cara the truth. She had to confess her fault, there was no way to avoid such responsibility. Cara deserved to know. Cara's current upset because of Kahlan's breaking her vow was a minimal fraction of how she would feel when she'd learn the truth about having been confessed. And what if the memory returned by itself to Cara? The healer had said that the consequences of the blow may either be permanent or not… What if Cara would eventually find out that Kahlan had held this secret from her?
Before she could even try to formulate an answer Cara's face returned hard and she jerked Kahlan's hand away with a raging twitch. Painfully similar to the one with which she rejected the Confessor in the clearing. Back then the Mord-Sith had been in the position to complete the remission of a waning Con Dar or throw Kahlan back within the burning coils of the Blood Rage. Back there she had chosen the second option and the same she did here.
"Leave me alone Kahlan!"
"How can you talk of trust?! After what you did to me?" That old and never completely quelled grudge for having been tricked and forced to admit her lust in that shed popped out from Kahlan's wounded pride. For a moment it dimmed the Confessor's remonstrating conscience.
"Because I'm the foul Mord-Sith and I don't deserve any of your trust! My end belonged to that battle. I should be there now, rotting in the snow!"
"I couldn't let them kill you! I couldn't give you up, do you understand this?!" The Mother Confessor screamed back, jolting upright and looming over the Mord-Sith in her towering height. Angry flashes were bolting from the bright blue of her already watery eyes. An intense turmoil was stirring into her with a mixture of conflicting cramped emotions, making impossible to her for keep herself controlled.
"You risked my child's life," The blonde accused with a wicked murmur. "Richard's life. Not to mention your own. You hazarded that Darken got his powers back, knowing that it meant the starting of a war and the dooming to death of thousands of innocent people… people of the Midlands… Your people! You confessed two unaware farmers. You broke the promise you made to me. And - cherry on top - you come here pretending that all of this is negligible... You failed me in ways I'd never imagined you could, Mother Confessor!"
Kahlan felt her legs suddenly limp and fell on her knees; her head dropping to her chest and her face burying in her hands. Never before had Cara referred to Stefan as 'my child'… in her eyes Kahlan had unforgivably put at risk the safety not of just the child who she was appointed to protect, but of her son. The contempt Cara conveyed in Kahlan's title wasn't meant to despise her kind, but just her. Just Kahlan. She bitterly sobbed in front of Cara, freeing the frustration bottled inside of her since weeks and feeling completely defenseless. For the umpteenth time Kahlan felt unworthy of staying in Cara's presence. The paradox of their situation was grotesque: a Mord-Sith – the most ruthless and immoral kind of women - had been willing to sacrifice her life for a greater good, whereas a Confessor – the embodiment of righteousness and devotion to duty - had behaved selfishly and irresponsibly, gambling with the fate of an innocent child and of the whole Midlands. After all the good and bad things transpired between them, being rubbed of her fault from Cara was a lacerating torture to Kahlan. She felt she was a shame to her order and undeserving to fulfill the role of the Mother Confessor. She cried burning tears sniffling and gasping in her palms. Knowing that Cara was staring at her with a judging icy gaze and it made it all worse.
How long Kahlan hid her face in her hands she didn't know. She just let the drops leak out of her eyes and her anger boil away. And when the flames slowly lowered what remained was a solacing relief for the one and only thing that really mattered. Despite every complication and incomprehension, despite the breaking of promises and hiding of truths, Cara was still there alive. And Kahlan was suddenly aware that she couldn't regret what she had done and never would. If time was turned back, she'd act just the same. The sense of acceptance flowed into her like a soothing salve and discharged the Confessor from part of her angst. She'd been immoral and committed unforgivable faults, but Cara was still alive. In her heart this fact could never be wrong. Love is never evil.
The brunette lifted her face, streaked by blistering tears, and planted her eyes into Cara's.
"I just couldn't live without you."
Kahlan should have known that releasing the only and simple explanation throbbing in her heart was the best attempt to make the other woman understand her actions. That resorting to the mere truth was always the better solution. Cara just blinked once, twice, thrice… Her face losing every trace of anger and leaking pure puzzlement. She was probably underprepared to hear this kind of things and especially when it was Kahlan speaking such words.
She plunked down on the pillows; the tiredness sprang out of her features and spoke about the toll that the lively argument was demanding to her. Cara sank amid the sheets and fluttered her eyelids several times pointlessly trying to regain clear sight, but her conscious was trembling and she was already drifting away.
"We can talk about this another time. Now you need rest." Kahlan stood up wiping the tears away with her sleeve.
The exhausted blonde remained still and felt her eyelids slowly lowering. Her face shamefully showing only confusion and weakness. The only thing Cara could think of at that moment was that even when she was upset, Kahlan was painfully beautiful. That she felt bad for making the brunette cry. The Mord-Sith's eyes fell entirely closed, but before she surrendered to sleep she felt Kahlan's hot lips wet with salty tears pressing against hers.
"Sleep well Cara." Kahlan whispered into her mouth, than the silent drape of the slumber embraced the lying down woman.
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AN2: if there's still someone shipping this fandom and if there's still someone liking my story, please leave a review. Thank you all guys and you can't know how sorry I am for taking so long.
