It was official…I couldn't deal with my life. I admitted that fact and I had even started to accept it. What other choice did I have? Still it didn't make it any easier and work was starting to become a total nightmare. From my first day working for the WWE as the lowest ranking PA, I had loved every minute of my job and the company that had employed me. Never did I imgaine that a day would come that I would wake up and dread going to work but the time had surely arrived. I had to put on a brave face and travel the country for three to four days out of the week with the two men who held my heart in torment.

I took pride in my job and it was still important to me. So many people depended on me and I had to be there for them. It wasn't their fault that my personal life was in tumoil so night after night I sucked it up. I never let them see me sweat. I put on a brave face and tried to act like the same old cheerful, dependable Claudia Mizanin. I ignored Mike completely and arranged to have the least amount of contact with PJ as possible. When I did see PJ, I was polite and civil, not wanting to let him or anyone else know that I was falling apart on the inside. Apparently, I was a great actress because everyone bought it. No one, not even the people I was closest to knew just how close to the edge I was teetering…

The WWE was well known for its involvement with everything from the USO to reputable charities like the Make A Wish foundation. The company and its talent took pride in being able to touch people's lives and make a difference in the community. The WWE Tribute to the Troops was an annual event held every December when top Superstars and Divas traveled to war zones in Iraq and Afghanistan to honor the brave men and women fighting for our country. Every year the company made a summertime announcement to provide the press and the public for that year's upcoming event. All WWE employees were given a notice to attend that party at the Waldorf hotel in New York City. The dress code called for cocktail attire and attendance was mandatory. Just receiving the announcement made me want to call my doctor for a prescription of Xanax but instead I opted to kill a bottle of wine in my new apartment alone.

I flew into LaGuardia on the morning of the big event and went straight to the hotel. Everyone had a room booked there and the party was to be held in The Starlight Roof ballroom on the 19th floor where guests could enjoy breathtaking views of the greatest city in the world. I kept a low profile and stayed alone in my room the entire day sipping on wine. It was a rare occasion where just like the Hall of Fame ceremony, I could just enjoy the event in lieu of working it. Start time was 7 p for dinner and the announcement would happen at 8. Afterwards, it was open social hour and drinks. The latter sounded good to me.

I took extra time curling my hair before pinning the sides back with a beautiful but small diamond studded pin. The fact that I burned myself several times should have been my first clue to slow down on the wine but nevertheless, I trudged on. I put my makeup on carefully and entered the venue in a dark blue one shoulder mini dress with black strappy heels. I cursed when I saw that the seats had already been assigned but I breathed a little easier when I saw who was at my table. Matt "Evan Bourne" Korklan, John "Morrison" Hennigan, Eve Torres, Chavo Guerrero, Shad Gaspard, John Laurinaitis who was the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations, his wife, and myself. PJ was to be seated near the front and Mike was clear across the room.

I slipped in just minutes before the meal started which was not the smartest move considering nearly everyone else was already there. Therefore it just brought more unneeded attention to me. I plastered on a smile and tried not to trip in the heels, groaning inside knowing I'd have to walk right past PJ's table. He was there in plain black dress slacks and a matching blazer with a white button down shirt minus the formality of a tie. He looked as handsome and sexy as ever and I purposely avoided looking him in the eye and prayed as I passed by that he wasn't watching me. I couldn't help but glance back and sure enough his eyes looked as if they were peeled to my ass. I didn't know if that observation was courtesy of the wine, a product of my own wishful thinking or a reality but I nodded acknowledgements to everyone at my table then quickly took a seat just as the artichoke canapes and roasted basil tomato soup was being served.

"Claudia, you look very beautiful tonight," John L. spoke. "It's always a pleasure to see you again. You remember my wife."

"Yes sir," I smiled as the other John, the Ambassador of Abdominals winked at me.

"Not hungry?" he raised an eyebrow as he watched me pick at my meal with my fork.

The food looked, smelled, and tasted delicious but I didn't have much of an appetite.

"I ate a big lunch," I lied with a shrug. "Can you please pass the wine?"

He obliged and poured some into my glass which I quickly downed. It only made me want more and by the third glass I had to keep reminding myself to slow down before people took notice. I managed to get through the dinnertime small talk as applause erupted when Vince McMahon himself took the stage to make the big announcement. I sipped out of my glass and tried to focus throughout his speech but I couldn't help but feel a pair of eyes watching me. I looked over and sure enough it was Mike. His very gaze made me sick and I just glared back at him. Looking his way only made my blood boil. Every good memory and happy time we'd ever shared suddenly had been erased from my memory. In flashbacks I only saw him yelling at me, making some dumb comment to put me down, leaving me alone to go party with his friends and God knows what tramp he was screwing for the night. I thought about that final confrontation in Europe when his lies were exposed and finally the hate and jealousy on his face when he brutalized my boyfriend.

As Vince kept speaking, I completely became lost in what was being said. The sporadic episodes of clapping jolted me back to reality and I would join in but the moment it was over, I was back to daydreaming. I kept looking over at PJ, hoping he somehow wouldn't notice. I closed my eyes and remembered the first time I ever laid eyes on him. I thought about the night he taught me how to play pool, how he had comforted me after Mike, our first kiss and finally the first time we had ever made love. Then just when a smile crossed my lips, it soon dawned on me the all too real memories of being in that hospital in Nashville, his subsequent distance, the breakup that followed and finally seeing him with Karen just two weeks before.

"Claudia, are you okay?" Eve asked with concern.

"Huh?" I shot her a confused look before noticing that Vince had finished up and everyone had given him a standing ovation but me.

I jumped to my feet, smoothing my dress. When it was over and everybody left the formal sitdown area and moved to the standing room bar, I felt relief. The last thing I wanted to do was mingle or talk, I just wanted to drown my sorrows in the bottom of a bottle. I took a seat by the bar and ordered two Kamikaze shots. Soon one of the new Smackdown roadies joined me. He looked like a real greaseball but I wasn't looking for another husband or boyfriend. I was just looking for someone to party with at the bar. And party we did. As the night dragged on, I found myself slightly light headed but definitely more relaxed. My speech was a little slurred and louder than it should have been but I didn't care. For once I wasn't hurting and that was a nice feeling. I didn't care about anything, including Mr. Greaseball sliding his hand up and down my exposed thigh.

"Claudia…"

I closed my eyes. Damn him for trying to ruin my buzz. That voice. That distinct voice with the soft, sweet accent.

"PJ, hi," I turned around with a goofy grin on my face. "How's it going?"

He surveyed the scene, looking at me and my newfound friend.

"Good."

"Drink?" I offered him a shot of straight Vodka that splashed from my shaking hand and spilled onto his shoes.

"No thank you and I think you've had enough as well."

"I'm fine," I told him.

My partner licked his lips.

"That you are," he agreed.

PJ gave us both a look of disgust.

"Man, do you mind taking your hands off of her?"

The roadie smirked.

"Actually, I do mind. Who the hell are you? Her boyfriend?"

My eyes locked on PJ. Drunk or not, I needed to hear his response.

"No…" he stammered.

"Like I thought. Then get lost, punk."

PJ wasn't so easily scared away.

"I am her friend and she is obviously drunk. You shouldn't be touching her like that, not in that condition. You're taking advantage."

The guy turned to me.

"Baby, do you mind if I touch you?"

I took another drink and shrugged.

"I don't care."

"See? She's good."

"PJ, look, I'm okay. Why don't you just leave us alone?" I said to him. "We are committing no crimes here…except living."

With that, my friend and I burst out laughing but PJ was not finding the situation funny. He gently grabbed my arm.

"Come on. Let's go."

"Get off of me!" I yelled loud enough to garner a few puzzled stares.

"Everything alright?" Heath appeared, Fred hot on his heels.

"Everything is perfect, boys. I don't know about this one over here ," I motioned towards PJ "but I'm feeling pretty good."

Fred and Heath exchanged glances before Heath looked over at the roadie.

"Get out of here, man," he said, his Southern accent in an angry warning tone.

Deciding I was more trouble than it was worth, the guy finished his beer and made a hasty exit.

"Baby girl, how much have you had to drink?" Fred asked softly.

"Not a lot. Like two or five glasses of wine at dinner but that's only cause Hennigan doesn't know how to pour," I added the last part with an exaggerated drunken whisper.

"And you've been tearing it up at this bar. Come on, let me walk you upstairs. We can get some water or coffee and you can sleep it off."

"I'm not going anywhere with you, Darren!"

"It's Fred."

I never called them by their stage names.

"Same difference! Whatever. You know what I mean…"

The ruckus began to attract more attention, including Kevin Dunn who joined us.

"Evening gentlemen, Claudia. Is everything okay over here?"

"We're fine, sir," Heath tried to cover.

"Everything is A okay," I began talking out my ass. "Having a few drinks after an amazing dinner and Mr. McMahon's speech…wow! So f'in amazing! Like this company is so awesome! Seriously. I am so proud to work here! All the charities and good deeds and stuff like wishing foundations and all. And now the troops? Kind of makes you wish we went to war more often."

"Claudia, that's enough," PJ tried to help me.

For the second time that night, I pushed him away.

"Go back to your little blonde whore," I spat as I stood up too fast and subsequently toppled over.

"She's okay, she's fine," Fred immediately scooped me up. "Come on."

His firm embrace let me know that I had no choice but to follow him upstairs. We made it to my room where I slid to the floor.

"Oh God, I think I'm gonna be sick…"

Fred closed his eyes and sighed as he helped me to the toilet and held my hair while I puked my guts out.

"Alright, Mama, get it all out."

"I'm trying," I wretched.

"Damn, you smell," he made an awful face. "What did you drink?"

Just seeing all the open bottles in my room answered his question.

"Leave me alone," I mumbled, stumbling to the bed.

"Claudia, you can't do this."

"Do what?"

"This," he pointed around. "This is not you, you're better than this. Look at you, doing shots with the sleazy guy molesting you at the bar, getting drunk and causing a public scene at a company function? Claudia, come on now. Vince McMahon was in the building. Do you know how much trouble you could get into?"

"I don't care," I huffed.

"That's obvious. Look, this is your life, your career. Ma, you know I love you to death so I'm gonna keep it 100 with you. You're messing up. I know you're hurting but you have to find a way to get it together. Don't throw everything away over two dudes."

"Shut up!"

"No, I won't shut up. Somebody's got to try to help your ass."

"I don't need you, Fred! You hear me? I don't need any of you and I don't care! So what if I want to let loose and act like an idiot? Big deal! It's my life, my sad, stupid, pathetic, miserable fucking life and if I want to drink wine all day and get sloshed in front of my boss like a fool, then that one is on me!"

He shook his head.

"Why? What's wrong with you? I'm your friend. Please talk to me."

Tears suddenly spilled down my cheeks as I went from angry to sad in .5 seconds.

"If you're my friend, then why can't you see?" I cried. "Mike hurt me so bad and I guess I never dealt with that. Then PJ came along like a knight in shining armor and he stole my heart. He swept me off my feet. I trusted him, Fred. I believed in him and I loved him and even though I was scared, I gave him me, all of me. And what did he do? He left. He just left me. And I'm losing it, yeah I admit it. But it hurts so bad that I don't know what else to do. I can't fix it, I can't make it better. All I wanted was for him to want me but he doesn't, he wants her!"

"Who?"

"Karen?"

"His ex? Karen Richardson?"

"I saw them together in Philly after RAW."

"Is that what this is all about? Claudia, PJ and Karen are not back together, I can promise you that. They're just friends."

"Yeah, well they looked real friendly to me."

"Look, I don't know what you saw or what you think you saw but it must be a misunderstanding. I know for a fact that PJ is not with her."

"Then why is he not with me?" I sobbed.

"Claudia…"

"He blamed me for what Mike did. It was like he started to hate me, he couldn't look at me, he couldn't even have sex with me. I tried, I just wanted to be close to him but he rejected me in every possible way. Then he dumped me after I altered my whole life to be with him! Fred, I didn't ask to move to Tampa, I didn't ask to move into his house…those were the things he told me he wanted. Then he just changed his mind and I'm supposed to go on and be okay with it? It hurts! It hurts like hell and there is no closure, no explanation…nothing!"

I dissolved in a fit of tears and hysterical heartwrenching wails.

"PJ is still in love with you."

"Yeah? He has a hell of a way of showing it!"

"He does. Tonight when that loser was all over you, who was the first person that came to your rescue?"

"Whatever. Just because he can't stand to touch me, he wants to go after the one guy that does?"

"It's not like that. You were drunk off your ass and that asshole was just trying to score some easy pussy. Who is that fool anyway? For all we know, he could have been trying to slip a roofie in your drink or some crazy shit like that. PJ was concerned."

"Stop trying to make PJ look like the hero, like he's a good guy!"

"He is and deep down you know that."

I started to cry again and Fred held me close as I lost it.

"I love him so much! Why? Why is he doing this to me?"

"Dammitt, Claudia, don't do this to me. Look, there are things you don't know, okay? And as much as I want to, as much as I wish I could, I can't tell you but trust me, PJ didn't leave you because he wanted to or because he doesn't care and damn sure not for another woman. He loves you so much but he has his reasons. One day y'all are gonna have to talk about that when he's ready but in the meantime, you cannot live like this. Please."

I looked over in the mirror and saw my raccoon eyes and tussled hair. I was a mess.

"I'm sorry…"

"It's okay."

"I need to get my life together, Fred, I'm gonna need a lot of help…"

He smiled a real smile at me.

"Good because you're gonna get it. I'm here. And Heath is here and your girls like Liz and Sam…we're all here for you and we're not going anywhere. We won't give up on you."

I buried my face in his shoulder and thanked the Lord above for friends like him. I was teetering on the edge but the helping hands of friends, real friends, had gently guided me back to safety.