Sorry it took so long, this chapter was a bit difficult to write. I hope you like it, please read and review!
51- Closure
October wasn't golden in London. There were a few sunny days but they were swiftly outnumbered by those with high fog, dull grey sky and rain. It was the time to turn our home into a nest of pillows and candlelight, cuddling on the sofa. We didn't need much else. Maybe we were a bit obsessive about each other but we had only been married for a few weeks and therefore happy for every moment we could spend together. Severus had been unloved for too long to not enjoy the pleasures of proximity, a gentle touch, a tender kiss, and he had to made up for years of being unkissed.
Although I've never been a decent housewife and wouldn't ever be- that just wasn't me; fortunately it wasn't expected of me either- I nevertheless liked cooking. My pasta was legendary but I also wanted to try out other dishes, so I bought some cookbooks to expand my knowledge as well as my skills with surprising success. Actually it wasn't even that hard if you followed the instructions and added a personal note... I had noticed before and I noticed again that cooking wasn't so different from brewing potions except that there were no counter stirs required.
Severus had laughed out loud the first time he had seen me in the kitchen, prancing around on my high heels, wearing an apron. We had kissed and then made even more mess on the kitchen table when his gentle teasing had led to an outburst of passion- ah, cooking was a very sensual thing...
Of course it wasn't necessary that I do the cooking since we had a house elf, but it filled me with pleasure to see how my husband enjoyed the meals I served, and eating was also a very sensual thing...
Pinkie, however, wasn't pleased at all with my new hobby. Perhaps she feared I was going to dispute her position as the good soul of our household, slowly taking over the regime until she would end in a home for abandoned house elves or worse. I tried to soothe her by reminding her again that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, and although our cute little ugliness agreed on that- always the best intentions for Master Severus on her mind- she winced theatrically the next time she saw me cutting onions, using an ordinary knife.
"Oh, Mistress," she cried, "dear Mistress does it the Muggle way! No good, no good. Let Pinkie does it, Pinkie does it much faster and Mistress needs not weep."
Wiping the tears off my face I smiled at her. "I know you can do it much faster, sweetie, and I'm also aware of how to do it magically, but... but some things you have to do with love and devotion."
Her big, bat-like ears twitched adorably as she thought about it, wondering in a tiny voice. "Pinkie its magic is not with love and devotion?"
"Of course it is," I assured her but she didn't seem to listen as she started to brawl.
"Mistress needs Pinkie no more!"
"Oh no, don't you worry, dear," I knelt down to kiss her forehead, which made her sniff only louder, crying for the poor, neglected house elf she was because I was allegedly taking away the sole reason of her existence, "we will always need you. Look, someone's got to clean up the mess I made."
Pinkie risked a glance through tear-filled eyes. The kitchen looked indeed a mess, as if a cauldron had exploded and wrecked havoc but that only made her smile at me.
"Pinkie cleans it all away. Mistress needs not bother with that."
With a new spring in her steps she hurried to clean up the chaos I had left behind while cooking an Indian dish for my husband, who just returned home from his daily work at St Mungo's. I wished Pinkie would tell Mum how happy I was making her since for as long as I could remember my dear old Mum had always complained about her sloppy daughter, the living disaster when it came to household spells. Well, that's why I had become an Auror and not a bloody housewife.
-
Approximately one week after our Legilimency trip into Alice's drug-induced wonderland, we had an appointment at the Ministry. Knowing him, Kingsley had opted for a very small and private ceremony to reward Severus with the Order of Merlin, First Class. Only a few representatives of the Ministry were present and the media had explicitly been excluded.
A few years ago, the idea of receiving the Order of the Merlin, First Class, would have been like a synonym for Severus' striving to belong somewhere, somewhere important... a compensation for the respect and recognition he had always longed, even a substitute for love in a loveless life. Now he glanced at it and it was just a pretty piece of metal to him, pinned to his robes. Wasn't it strange how priorities could change when you've finally found love?
Sometimes I caught him blinking at me as if he still couldn't believe it was actually true. Well, sometimes I felt just the same.
After the ceremony I accompanied Severus to St Mungo's, where we wanted to check on Alice; she always seemed to enjoy our visits. But when we stepped out of the fireplace in the Janus Thickey ward, we were met by Augusta Longbottom, the vulture atop of her hat trembling, bobbing its head as the old lady stabbed an accusing finger at Severus' chest.
"What about my son, Snape? Is Frank not worthy of your attention? Why don't you try and help him?"
Now that was quite blunt. Augusta Longbottom was decidedly not a witch who minced her words. She was straightforward and I almost felt sorry for Neville, who had had to grow up in the overly domineering shadow of her presence... and yet I couldn't help but stare at her hat. The vulture reminded me of the nodding dogs Muggles used to have sitting on the back shelves of their cars...
Severus was clearly taken by surprise. "I'm afraid, Mrs Longbottom, I fear there is not much I can do for your son..."
"You cannot?" Augusta cut in, "Isn't it rather that you don't want to? Are you afraid that Frank could remember some of the atrocities you committed in our Death Eater days, things that aren't known yet?"
"Don't be absurd, Augusta. It is understandable that you wish Frank to make a full recovery but you cannot ignore the medical and magical facts."
She merely tutted, making it quite clear how much of a damn she gave about facts. Perhaps she had raised her hopes too high over the little progress her daughter-in-law had made- after all, Alice had some odd moments of clarity since our experiment although she was still far from making a recovery. Nevertheless, Augusta wanted the same for Frank. A glimpse of hope. No loving mother could possibly stand to watch the empty shell of her son staring holes into space, year after year, without hoping beyond hope that his condition might improve one day. Alas, there wasn't much hope. Frank just didn't respond to anything at all.
Of course, it was easy to blame it all on Severus and had Augusta been a tad more reasonable she would have realized that. But at the very moment there was no reasoning with her.
"Your lame excuses only prove that you are loath to treat my family with the dignity they deserve. I know how you always picked on Neville during your Potions classes..."
"With all respect, Mrs Longbottom, you are not entitled to criticise my teaching methods or tell me how to deal with blatant dunderheads." Severus' lips curled into a small sneer as he continued silkily. "If I remember correctly there had been a time, not so long ago, when Neville couldn't measure up to your standards either. You considered him a failure."
"You have no idea, Snape. At long last Neville proved he inherited his father's bravery!"
"Ah, are you talking about the always overrated, typically Gryffindor brazenness now?"
"You!" Again she stabbed a bony finger at Severus and from the look on his face I could tell he was thinking about hexing the old hag into next week- which probably wasn't a wise idea given that Augusta Longbottom was already a living legend for landing Auror Dawlish into hospital when he had tried to arrest her on Voldemort's order. I didn't want to find out whether she was on a par with Severus when it came to duelling, and most definitely I didn't want to see him ending up in a hospital bed either.
"Augusta," I said placatory, "I do understand your heart break but let me assure you that my husband left nothing untried to improve Frank's condition. Alas, it has been futile so far..."
Augusta turned narrowing eyes at me. "What do you know about it? You are not a healer."
"True, but what have the healers ever done for your son and daughter-in-law? What have you done for them? You gave up hope a long time ago and now you blame Severus for not making a miracle happen."
The vulture on top of her hat let its head down; Augusta looked crestfallen. "But... but the curses these damnable bastards used on them- Why does Alice respond to whatever you're doing? Why not my boy? Why not Frank?"
"Because..." I heaved a sigh. She was a tough old witch who could deal with the facts. "Because there are curses to which no counter curse exists and probably never will. I don't even know what hope there is for Alice since Bellatrix maimed her magical core."
"Can you mend it?" Augusta asked Severus.
He thought that a horribly stupid question; it was like asking if he could made a missing limp reappear. Had that been possible, Mad-Eye Moody wouldn't have looked like a used parts stock. Severus chose to not answer so I did.
"That's not likely. As it seems the only chance for Alice to come back to life is by giving up her magic."
It sounded so easy but my words provoked a shocked expression on Augusta's face; her eyebrows shot up as if I had just suggested something mightily scandalising.
Purebloods, I thought, rolling my eyes. No matter how tolerant many of them were towards Muggles or Squibs, the very idea of losing their magic and being one of them, a non-magical person, scared them shitless. I guessed most of them would rather give up their life, considering it not worthwhile without magic. Well, given how little they actually knew about Muggles and even made a total fool out of themselves when trying to dress like them, this wasn't surprising.
"Gran!" Neville called out as he came up the staircase to the fourth floor, perfectly oblivious of the things we had been talking about and apparently not having expected to meet his grandmother here. "I didn't know you were visiting Mum and Dad today."
"I happened to be near by so I decided to drop in and pay them a visit," Augusta said, clearly lying to Neville. Perhaps she was already embarrassed about her emotional outbreak a little earlier since she usually was a more impassive person. Or maybe the loss of her son had made her touchy.
I glanced at Severus and we wordlessly agreed on not disturbing the family get-together; we could still visit Alice later. I took his hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. He looked distressed, the result of Augusta's accusations. As untenable as they were, he nevertheless took them to heart and if I didn't watch over him carefully he would soon be brooding about the things she had said.
"Did you ever have a confrontation with Auror Longbottom?"
Severus shook his head. In his eyes I saw a series of scenes from his Death Eater days unwinding as he replayed all the horrors to me, the crimes he had committed. He had participated in raids against Muggles but he had never actively fought the Order of the Phoenix or any Aurors. Riddle had been aware of his potential and had mainly used him as a spy on Dumbledore just as Dumbledore had used him later.
I reached out and brushed a strand of black hair out of his face, letting my hand linger on his cheek. The Severus I knew wasn't the Severus I had seen in his memories- in his heart of hearts he wasn't like that at all. He had just been uncharacteristically idiotic, having been taken in by and following a madman like Tom Riddle. I rose up on my tiptoes and kissed him.
"See? If you never fought Frank, he never found out any dark secrets of yours because there aren't any you have to fear he could reveal now, therefore you naturally did your best to help him- alas, to no avail since there simply isn't anything you can do for him."
Severus stared at me, looking kind of puzzled. "You ability to dwarf a seemingly complicated matter and render it miniscule will never cease to amaze me." He snaked an arm around my waist, holding me gently, still wearing a slightly mystified expression on his face. "Raven, I just showed you the worst part of me and yet you kissed me. How do you manage to love me still after all you know about me?"
"Well, because I know you." My hand had never left his cheek, caressing fingers on his pale skin. I let them trail in a tender line from his cheekbone to his mouth, then following the shape of his lips. They were so soft, especially when they involuntarily curled up into a tiny, sweet smile under my touch... I longed to kiss him again, to feel his lips on mine...
"Oh, how touching. You really are two lovebirds," said a drawling voice, and we turned around to see Lucius Malfoy approaching us, pushing a trolly with cleaning materials and freshly washed sheets. No one sentenced to serve community duties at St Mungo's should be allowed to prance around these corridors the way he did, making a show of it and still being his usual self, as boastful as ever. He offered his most smashing smile at me. "You look truly stunning today, dear Raven."
I rolled my eyes. Lucius had developed the bothersome habit of flirting with me although or just because I was totally immune to his dubious charm. I reckoned his mindless flattery served only one purpose and that was to curry favour with the one who was on very good terms with the current Minister for Magic, a position Lucius used to have once. It must gall him tremendously that he was no longer able to tamper with politics... actually that was a benefit for the wizarding society.
"Lucius, don't you have any bedpans to clean?" Severus snarled.
Lucius shot him a glance as though he was hurt by such a harsh tone, which left my husband pretty indifferent. Sometimes I wondered if Malfoy was just daft. Did he really believe he was still friends with Severus- or, to be more precisely, that he had ever been friends with him? Did he even know the proper definition of friendship?
And yet, for reasons I couldn't quite fathom, we had developed some sort of... well, I wouldn't call it friendship with the Malfoys when there simply seemed to be no way to exclude them from our life. They were like a couple of strays you just couldn't get rid of- ah, I could almost sense their pure blood boiling at the notion of being compared to strays by a filthy half-blood. Still nursing the idea of pureblood supremacy without shouting that in our faces as they sought our company. Our relationship with the Malfoys was indeed a strange one.
I blamed it on Narcissa and her persistence in inviting us to Malfoy Manor for dinner until we had finally agreed a few weeks ago. It was hard to ignore someone who sent you flowers, her best wishes to our wedding, and who had presented us with a precious, antique set of silver cutlery. Of course, I would never forget what Lucius had done to me that day he had abducted me to Malfoy Manor for an audience with the Dark Lord, and Severus was even less forgiving, so there was still a lot of animosity from our side competing with Narcissa's efforts to make amends. She really seemed to try hard and keep Severus' friendship in spite of all that had happened. I suspected her of having a secret crush on my husband but even if that was actually the case she hid her feelings well, always acting impeccable to the decorum of her pureblood upbringing. Nevertheless, Voldemort's regime of terror had left its marks on her. She had learned the hard way to live under constant threat, to deal with humiliation on a daily basis, fearing for her family, and her family was her weakness, her soft spot. Deep in her heart, no matter how high she screwed up her pretty nose in order to escape the stench of those beneath her, the posh, elitist pureblood Narcissa Malfoy was a mother hen who only wanted the best for her family. Before Voldemort's second rise to power she had equated 'the best' with the amount of galleons in the Malfoy's Gringotts vault, with fortune and fame, but the latest events had made her change her priorities. She had even taken a few tentative steps towards her long lost- due to having been blasted off the family tree- sister, Andromeda. Perhaps it was easier to embrace a blood traitor back into the loving arms of family now that Bellatrix was dead, for she would have never tolerated such a betrayal to the cause.
Narcissa was probably a good example to underline my belief that people could change- although that didn't mean I was particularly fond of her but I got on with her. I also believed that doing community service was a good way to deflate even the most enormous ego by and by, whereas Severus merely saw a slippery bootlicker in Lucius, someone who would turn his coat to wherever the most opportune wind was blowing. If it weren't for Narcissa and Draco, he would have long hexed Lucius straight into the hell of rotting in Azkaban for ever and a day. Because of me.
"Look on the bright side, Sev," I told him later, when we were home again. We had chosen to ignore Lucius' mindless babble and had taken the Floo back to our library. "If it weren't for Lucius giving me an audience with Riddle, you would have never realized you might possibly have feelings for me that could match those you had for Lily.""
Mind, I wasn't trying to defend Lucius or belittle his atrocities, but that day at Malfoy Manor had definitely been a turning point in my relationship with Severus. Of course, I would have preferred he had realized what I meant to him without having to suffer several Cruciatus Curses...
Severus was staring out of the window, lost in thoughts, silently brooding. Perhaps he was still contemplating the things Augusta had said to him. I wrapped my arms around his hips and snuggled up to him, nuzzling his neck.
"I was a fool, Raven."
"I know."
He turned around in my arms, a crease forming between his eyes. I raised on my tiptoes in order to kiss it away. Damned, yeah, he was a fool for not have gotten that I had always loved him more than Lily had ever liked him, and he was a total idiot for having joined the Death Eaters, but I blamed that on the natural idiocy of youth. Who made no mistakes in their life? Admittedly, some mistakes were more severe than others but he had atoned for it and I wanted to make him forget. There was a time for atonement and there was also a time for getting over it, a time to live again. The thing about mistakes was that you couldn't make them undone by brooding over them for a lifetime to the sound of if only, and if I let him it would only end up with me joining in, lamenting I had ever left him.
"So, my dearest fool, do you have any plans for the rest of the day?" I asked him teasingly, pushing my thoughts to the back of my mind as I kissed him again, my fingers unbuttoning his shirt.
Severus arched a quizzical brow at me, slightly amused by that turn of events. "As it seems you have already planned my day..."
Grinning at him I pushed him towards an armchair, and soon my lips were following the trace my fingers left on the flesh I exposed with every button I unbuttoned; gentle kisses on pale skin tasting as deliciously as only Severus could taste. I wanted to devour him, to show him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him. This was the time of salvation, of letting go of the past and proceeding to a new chapter in the book of our life we had already begun to sketch out some months prior in a hotel room in Siam Reap, Cambodia.
-
I woke up to the sound of pouring rain that last day of October. In the distance I heard the rumbling of thunder and a minute later a flash lightened up our bedroom, casting flickering shadows on the walls. Sleepily I reached out for Severus but my searching fingers only touched the empty space on his side of the bed, still radiating slightly the warmth of his body. He probably hadn't been gone for very long...
I opened my eyes, drowsily scanning the room for him. He was standing at the window, a dark shadow overlooking our garden as if lost in thoughts about all the work required next spring to make it a paradise of blossoming herbs and magical plants... only that I knew he wasn't thinking about that at all. Not today, I realized as I remembered what date it was today- the last day of October, Halloween.... All of a sudden it felt like someone was clutching my heart in an icy-old grip, wringing every notion of happiness out of it and leaving me raw and vulnerable, defenceless. Within seconds I had turned from skilled Auror into a pathetic heap of nerves laying bare, fearing my heart would break and shatter into a thousand pieces because I had lived an illusion that was about to end now, for today was the umpteenth anniversary of her death.
Another flash of lightning bathed him in an eerie light, illuminating his pale skin that it looked like white marble, a stark contrast to his black hair. Slightly tousled it hung in curtains around his face, shielding it from view. My heart ached for him. I wanted to get up and hug him but found myself strangely motionless, as if this was a bad dream where you wanted to run but couldn't move. It was getting colder. My bubble would burst...
"Raven," his voice sounded hoarse when he turned to glance at me, having noticed I was awake, "I didn't mean to wake you."
"The thunder..." I muttered rather stupidly as if I had been caught in the act of doing something indecent, like waking up and finding him staring out into the early morning, thinking of Lily. The thunder was easy to blame for it just gave an infernal crack followed by a loud rumbling.
With an uneasy smile he came to sit down next to me. "Why don't you go back to sleep, love?"
I must have worn a panicked expression on my face- if I fell asleep now he would be gone as if all the previous months had been a dream- because his brows furrowed. "What's wrong, Raven?"
"You have been thinking of Lily." There, it was out. I was quite proud of myself that I didn't sound like a jealousy-ridden hag; it was more a statement and less an accusation. Nevertheless I felt my own blood pounding loudly in my ears, almost deafeningly, that I hardly heard his next words.
"Well, yes, indeed. And then I marvelled over the fact why it had taken me so long to realize how happy you could make me."
I had been a fool to believe I could ever replace Lily; she was too high above me on a pedestal he had raised for her and everything he had ever done during those past years had been for her- wait! "What did you say?"
He shot me an exasperated glance and sighed. "I guess you need a coffee before there's any point in talking to you."
No, what I needed were his arms around me and his lips on mine, but apparently he believed my state was the result of early morning grumpiness in combination with a lack of caffeine. I reached out for him but he had already gotten up to fetch me a cup of coffee from the kitchen.
Outside, the thunderstorm grumbled again but then it became quieter as it decreased and only the sound of rain was to be heard. I reclined my weary head on the pillows, contemplating my very own imbecility. He had said I made him happy. No- he had been thinking of Lily when he had realized that I was the one who made him happy. Why had I ever questioned his love for me? Why had I panicked and feared he would burst my bubble? After all, we were married. We had exchanged vows of love- and yet I had forgotten all about that in... in a fit of unreasonable panic because today was the anniversary of Lily's death and I still had not gotten over the inferiority complex of standing in her shadow, of always being only second best... I was such an idiot. Turning into a bundle of raw nerves at the memory of a girl who died seventeen years ago. Pathetic.
Severus returned with a mug of coffee perfectly the way I loved it; a double espresso crowned with a generous mountain of foamed milk, big enough to bury my guilty face in. Sipping it silently I thought about what to say if I wanted to sound less crackbrained than I was. Alas, I couldn't think of anything. I heaved a sigh, blowing small flakes of foamed milk in the air.
He could hardly restrain a chuckle. Yeah, I knew I was- involuntarily- a very funny person in the mornings.
"I... um, I assume you want to visit Godric's Hollow today?" I asked, trying to sound as aloof as possible.
"Only if you don't mind."
"Of course not."
"Raven." Of course he had long figured me out; after all, I was behaving like the greatest idiot on earth today and that had hardly escaped his attention. He knew how I felt about Lily.
"I really don't mind." I suddenly noticed that that was actually true. Although he had been thinking of Lily, his attitude towards me hadn't changed. He wasn't brooding or excluding me from his life in order to wish himself to a better place where Lily was still alive.
Severus breathed a gentle kiss on my forehead and I snuggled up to him. We sat in silence for a while, listening to the rain drops pounding on the window pane. It truly was an unpleasant day.
"Would you grant me the privilege of your company if I asked you to join me?"
His question took me by surprise. He wanted me around when he visited Lily's grave? Despite the horrible weather I agreed, which brought a smile on his face.
When we were finally ready to leave the house, the weather had improved to the point that it wasn't raining anymore. Thick, grey clouds were moving fast across the sky and a cold wind was blowing, occasionally an odd ray of sunshine would try to break through but they were too weak. At least it wasn't snowing, like last year.
Hand in hand we entered the graveyard. Severus led the way to the Potters' grave, having walked it many times before, year after year since Lily's death. This time however he hadn't brought a white lily for every year that she was gone, each flower standing for another year of misery. There was a time to mourn and a time to carry on with your life, and he had long decided to let go and move on. No more keeping vigil throughout the night, the guilt eating him up. Oh, it was still there, the guilt of being responsible for her death, but he had not killed her. He had tried to save her at great personal risk when it became obvious to him what he had so stupidly initiated, and it wasn't his fault she had died nevertheless. If Potter and Black hadn't so foolhardy and presumptuously believed they were cleverer than to trust in Dumbledore's offered protection, she could still be alive. It wasn't all Severus fault. I didn't want him to burden himself with that any longer, not when the times he had succeeded in keeping people alive outnumbered those he had failed. In the end it was all quite plain- if not for his spy work it wouldn't have been possible to bring down Lord Voldemort and we would live in a truly horrible world now.
Maybe it was the stubborn faith I had in him that had finally made him chose me over the memory of Lily. He had not only gotten over his unrequited love for her but, as we approached her grave, we were also able to talk about her without feeling awkward; the memories were no longer painful. She wasn't my rival anymore, I had stepped out of her shadow and recalled that there had actually been a time when we were friends.
Severus stepped forward and placed a single white lily on her grave. I put a sunflower next to it. For a moment we stood in comfortable silence, his arm around my shoulders, mine snaked around his waist. It had been a wise decision to accompany him today and share this moment with him for it seemed to give our relationship a new depth. Lily was no longer standing between us but had become a part of our past we now managed to look back at with a smile, remembering the times we had spent together at Hogwarts. We even managed to chuckle about some of the things she had said or done, things that were so typically Lily. Like dancing in the falling snow while we had watched, sullen and freezing, shaking out heads about so much Gryffindor foolishness.
"Do you still remember," began many of our reminiscences, and we smiled at each other as we recounted moments of our school days, bringing them back to life. Perhaps it wasn't the usual graveyard talk, given that others came here to mourn the loss of a loved one, though I liked to believe that the souls of those lying buried here wouldn't mind to hear that their memory brought not only grief to the ones they had had to leave behind but also some joyful recollections.
"OI! What're you doing here, Snape? Came to gloat over James' grave?"
Sirius really had the knack for spoiling the moment. Although he had long came to the conclusion that he had been wrong about Severus, even feeling guilty for how he had treated him back at school and having taken a few tentative steps towards his old enemy, some old habits never seemed to die. Twelve years of incarceration in Azkaban had taken its toll on him, especially in personal growth as he had never been able to consciously deal with the grief of having lost his best friend, and seeing Severus at James's grave today was enough to trigger off the old, familiar loathing. He clearly took offence at his presence just like he had always taken offence at his mere existence.
Severus whirled around, his hand reaching for his wand. It was sort of a déjà vu as I had witnessed similar scenes repeatedly while at Hogwarts... but fortunately, Sirius hadn't come here all on his own.
"Sirius!" Harry cried in a reprimanding tone, proving that between godfather and godson he was the more mature person. He had come here to visit his parents' grave, for the first time on the anniversary of their death, and the very last thing he needed today was Sirius acting like a berk.
Gingerly I took Severus' hand. "Come on, let's go. The company isn't what I'd call desirable and I fear it won't improve."
"I'm sorry," Sirius said.
I couldn't recall how many times I had already heard that and yet his attitude hadn't changed. Why had I ever fallen for him? True, he was a handsome devil and you could have lots of fun with him but the only thing we shared was our love for motorbikes.
It was probably hard for Severus to not snap back and counter with a snide remark, for he wasn't one to take the assault of a Marauder lying down. But we would not sink on the same abysmal level as Sirius. We would leave and not let him spoil our day.
"Hey, Raven! I said I'm sorry." Sirius shouted as we turned to walk away.
Merlin, he had nerves. He had insulted me only indirectly by being rude to my husband so he had better apologized to him.
"She is not interested," Severus said silkily, sneering at Sirius.
I rolled my eyes.
Harry whispered something to his godfather, who immediately looked crestfallen. Apparently the boy was really golden for he seemed to have made his peace with his formerly most hated teacher and didn't want Sirius to goad him.
"I guess Lily would be proud if we simply walked away," I told Severus
He grumbled something unintelligible before he agreed, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. Sirius wasn't worth the trouble.
We didn't get very far. Walking slowly between the rows of graves, trying to cool down and recall the relaxed mood we had been in before Sirius had interfered, we hadn't even reached the gates of the graveyards when Harry's call made us stop.
"Professor!" He came running after us.
Severus heaved a sigh. "What is it, Potter?"
I elbowed him. Harry had changed his mind about my husband since he had seen his memories in the Pensieve. He now saw in him the man who had risked a great deal in keeping him safe all those years, keeping him safe because of his love for his mother. I believed it was about time to talk things out, especially because I had blocked an earlier attempt due to inopportune timing. But the boy shouldn't be discouraged to express his gratitude any longer
Naturally, the courage of a true Gryffindor wasn't easy to dampen although Harry's cheeks looked slightly flushed when he caught up with us, and that wasn't only the result of the cold or his little jogging.
"I... Sir, I..."
"Have you lost your miniscule ability to be articulate completely now?"
Defiance flashed up in the green eyes behind his glasses, eyes that reminded me of Lily although the rest of Harry looked like a spitting image of James. The resemblance was so striking it was almost scary. I knew what Severus saw when he glanced at the boy since I saw the same. But Harry wasn't James, we always had to keep that in mind.
"No, I... well, Sirius told me so many things about my dad..."
"I bet. A glorious record of rule-breaking and bullying other students which- beyond doubt- your prodigious godfather characterizes as pranks."
Harry looked slightly guilty. "I do not share his point of view... and I know my mother didn't approve of it either. Please, sir, Sirius couldn't tell me much about my Mum other than that she loved my father and me, and... um, you were friends with her..."
"Indeed."
"Sev," I chimed in before this could get too awkward, "Harry here wants to hear some stories about Lily, so why don't you two have a little chat while I smoke a cigarette?"
My dear husband glanced at me as if I had just suggested something mightily indecent, but then he agreed. With an inscrutable expression on his face he turned to the boy. "So, Potter, what do you want to know?"
I smiled as I stepped aside to let them have a moment of privacy that was probably needed. I lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply when I saw Sirius approaching, heading for his godson. I grabbed his arm.
"Leave them! Don't you get it that they need a moment without you breathing down Harry's neck in order to sort out things between them instead of making them worse?"
"Worse? He constantly picked at Harry during Potion classes, that scathingly sarcastic git assaulting him verbally, and you expect me to shrug it off?"
"You bitching at him doesn't make things any better either. When will you finally grow up, Sirius?"
He looked hurt, giving me that lost puppy look he always put on when he thought a fair maiden was treating him unjust- only that I wasn't a fair maiden and had grown immune to that look of his. I decided to change the topic before he caused more ill-feeling between us.
"How's Angel?"
I had talked to her only yesterday so I knew she was doing well, nevertheless I let him prattle, only listening with half an ear as I glanced in the direction of Severus and Harry. Given that the boy had wanted to learn about his mother he was doing quite a lot of talking. Severus looked at him with furrowed brows.
"Enough of that eulogy, Potter," he cut him off. "Idle flattery will get you nowhere. You want to know about your mother? Come with me."
"I don't like your tone, Snape! Where do mean to take him?" Sirius barked
"To the playground, Black. Go and mark a tree meanwhile." Severus replied waspishly as he prepared to take Harry on a Side-Along Apparition trip. He gestured me to follow them since I knew where they were going while Sirius was pretty clueless. It was probably a good opportunity to get rid of him because he was really annoying today.
With a pop Severus and Harry Disapparated. Sirius looked murderous.
"Who does that greasy git think he is? He can't just take my godson and disappear!"
Now I was really upset. I whirled around with my wand at the ready and stabbed the tip at his throat.
"Shut it, Sirius. Stop bothering us. Don't call my husband names EVER again..."
"You're not going to hex me," he said cocksure, flashing me his most dashing smile. It didn't have the desired effect.
"I wouldn't wager on that if I were you. I know some extremely painful curses concerning the most precious parts of a wizard's anatomy..." I noticed Sirius had the decency to swallow hard at that notion. "...but I don't want to deprive Angel of the small pleasures that dating a moron like you brings her. So go home and have a good shag, apparently your testosterone level is distressingly high today. And don't worry about Harry. He's old enough to make his own decisions, and guess what- he's the one who offed Voldemort. He will, no doubt, be able to face the dangers lurking at him at a playground... like the slippery slide or the swinging swing, let alone the merry merry-go-round."
I didn't wait for his response. He would only come up with lame excuses I was tired of hearing, therefore I Disapparated, too. An instant later I re-materialized in a run-down playground that had decidedly seen better days. A huge chimney dominated the skyline, the last reminder of an industry that had long gone down...
"It's here that you met my Mum for the first time, isn't it?" Harry piped up.
I saw them standing next to the swing; the paint was peeling off the rusty poles and the chain of one swing was broken so that it hung down in an awkward angle. Apparently a long time had elapsed since children had played here. Thinking about how derelict the entire neighbourhood of Spinner's End looked it was likely that no young family with children lived here anymore anyway. Those who were clever- and who could afford it- had moved away until only the old millhands remained, too disillusioned to move on and wrestle their way out of the vicious circle of unemployment and finding comfort at the bottom of a bottle.
"A very astute observation, Potter. I see you remember this place from my memories." Severus replied silkily, his arms crossed over his chest. He gave the impression as though he had changed his mind about telling some stories about Lily. Wasn't it enough that he had extracted his memories for the boy to watch in order to understand what was requested from him? And Harry didn't look very happy either. No matter how much he praised Severus' loyalty and bravery, he still didn't feel comfortable in the Potion Master's presence.
Both men glanced at me with some sort of relief, probably expecting me to prevent things from going totally askew.
"So, what do you want to know, Potter?"
Harry started to stutter. "I... um... er, I..."
"Why don't you start at the beginning, Sev?" I suggested.
"He already knows how I met Lily. I see no point in repeating what he already observed in the Pensieve, especially since the memories stored in a Pensieve reflect reality instead of sentimentalities."
"Oh Sev," I sighed, gently taking his arm. "The boy doesn't know much about his mother so I believe a few sentimental thoughts won't do any harm."
Severus glared at me and I smiled at him. Perhaps he didn't want to remember the pathetic little boy he had been, lurking in the bushes, planning carefully to make the acquaintance of the pretty red-haired girl he had watched for quite a while, waiting for his chance... and then it had gone all wrong. I imagined him, scrawny, small, pale, wearing these ridiculous clothes, acting awkward since he rarely talked to other kids. Probably they had shunned him, thinking him odd, a freak- just like Petunia. He hated his younger self, I saw it in his eyes. I saw the reflection of a poor, neglected kid and I saw behind the odd clothes, the badly cut hair. Instead I saw a cute boy with eager black eyes and I wished I had known him back then. I would have wanted to be his friend. He wasn't a freak. He was unique.
"Well, alright, so we do know now how your first meeting with Lily went but how did you become friends? When did you meet again?" I encouraged him to tell more than just the memories he had given Harry since they had been only for the one purpose- to make the boy understand which side Severus was on and why, and what Harry needed to do. Moments of a friendships in the different stages of its downward spiral.
"A few days after," Severus grumbled as he walked away from the swing and to the far end of the playground, "Apparently some of what I said to Lily had stirred her interest enough to take the trouble of leaving her shadow, Petunia, behind and come looking for me here in the park."
We followed him. There was a thicket of bare bushes Severus brushed through and then we saw the beginning of what seemed to be an old path, almost overgrown by years of disuse. In summer it wouldn't have been visible at all, covered by dense green grass.
"Needless to say Petunia wasn't pleased with her sister befriending me and she followed us around wherever we went to protect Lily from the bad influence that I ostensibly was."
Harry heaved an understanding sigh."Well, Aunt Petunia isn't an easy person to please anyway... unless you're Ickle Dudleykins, that is..."
"I bet." Severus turned around to sneer at Harry. "Did she really made you live in a cupboard under the stairs?"
Harry flushed; angry red blots appeared on his cheeks as he recalled his Occlumency lessons and the many times Severus had managed to break through his defences, feeble as they were.
"Ah," was all Severus said as he walked on.
I wondered if they realized the parallels of their upbringings while all the same contemplating the differences. At least Harry had been loved by his parents before they had been killed and he had had to grow up with the Dursleys, whereas Severus... well, I doubted he had experienced much love in his childhood as I couldn't imagine Eileen Snape as a doting mother. She had been much too busy with her own problems to truly care about him, probably fearing the wrath of her abusive husband. I would never understand women like her... especially not since she was a witch and could have easily hexed him into oblivion for raising a hand at her. But abused women ticked differently; I read some Muggle studies about that without really comprehending their motives, what made them endure the violence as if it was all their own fault. Perhaps they didn't know better, which- admittedly- shed a rather unfortunate light on the Princes, and I was quite glad that Severus had never tried to find out more about that side of his family.
Meanwhile, I could hear the soft murmur of flowing water. Apparently the path was leading towards the river. Only a little later we reached a small landing that I immediately recognized as the spot where Severus and Lily had often sat during their summer holidays. I almost could imagine the sunlight filtered though the leaves of the trees above, casting different shades of green in the cool shadows underneath.
"I remember this place," Harry cried, "Here, you told my Mum stories about Dementors and Azkaban..."
"Once again I am impressed by your astute power of observation, Potter. Indeed, your mother was quite a curious person who liked to hear stories about a world that was new, exciting and yet strange to her."
And Severus had been to one who had filled her in with all she needed to know, for once feeling important despite being scrawny and small, wearing odd clothes, and maybe for the first time he had been confidant. Confidant in his destiny, in knowing that one day they would go to Hogwarts and the wizarding world would embrace them with open arms... until his hopes had been shattered, starting at the Hogwarts Express.
Since Severus was definitely not the greatest storyteller, I told Harry some stories about Lily. After all, the first few years at Hogwarts we had been friends.
Harry turned to Severus.
"Sir, what I don't understand... my Mum, she complained about the friends you were hanging around with, Mulciber and Avery. She said they were evil..."
I tutted indignantly. "Evil- yeah, and what were her precious Gryffindor house mates doing each and every day? Oh, I forgot, the Marauder's mischief was called pranks because they were Gryffindors, and Gryffindors can not possible do anything evil. Mind, I'm not trying to defend Mulciber and Avery since they really were two creepy bastards, but your dear mother, Harry, was pretty naïve.
"You are wondering now why Severus never gave up their friendships for Lily's sake? It's quite easy, actually. First of all, Lily never asked him to make a choice. Her friendship was quite a demanding one though she never specified what precisely she wanted..."
"Raven, if you are trying to point out that you were the better friend I consider this an inopportune moment," Severus interjected before I could start rambling about Lily and that being friends with him had become inconvenient long before the Mudblood incident; she had had to make excuses for him, none of her other friends understood why she was even talking to him and that didn't necessarily had to do with the fact that he'd done anything evil. It was just that the most popular girl at school and the little oddball very rarely made a dream team, and she had never really listened to him, nor had she ever asked for his reasons why he was fascinated with the Dark Arts.
But Severus was right, this was probably not the right moment to get carried away. I was about to flash him a smile when I heard the crack of twigs and noticed he had chosen to march on. This topic made him quite edgy and he hated to show that in front of Harry.
"You didn't like my Mum much, did you?" Harry asked as we followed Severus.
I heaved a sigh. "Oh, she was a wonderful person, no doubt about that." And I was the better friend... "Alright, now about Mulciber and Avery- Harry, you know what Hogwarts is like. You arrive there at the age of eleven and then an old rag of a hat is placed on your head to decide upon your future in a system of houses that are supposed to be your family from then on. You have to get on with them, and suddenly having a family that is so preoccupied with blood status isn't an easy thing to deal with when you're a half-blood in a pureblood house. You can try to become invisible, of course, or you try to make some friends. The great friendship Severus had with the likes of Mulciber, an imbecilic moron who could hardly spell his own name right, was merely the result of letting them copy his homework. It granted him protection and, to be honest, I also benefited from that."
There was no recognizable path where Severus was going, it looked like he was breaking aimlessly through the undergrowth but after a while we saw a line of houses between the bare branches of the trees, and a little later we reached a street. Severus crossed it, walked three houses to the left, and stopped abruptly.
"That's the house were Lily grew up. It looks different now, of course, but I presume you might want to see it anyway."
Harry stared at the house as if he expected that any minute the door would open and Lily and his grandparents would step out to welcome him although he knew they were all dead.
"Thank you, sir," he mumbled, then glanced at Severus. "Have you known my grandparents?"
"Indeed, Potter. They were decent people, Mr and Mrs Evans."
"Aunt Petunia spoke rarely of them and when she did... it always felt like she was speaking of complete strangers that had nothing to do with me... as if they weren't my family, too. They... they preferred Petunia over Lily..."
"Quite the contrary, although I believe they loved both of their daughters the same, as different as they were, and they never thought Lily a freak because she was a witch. Your grandmother, Daisy Evans, was actually quite thrilled when she found out, and your grandfather, John Evans, asked me a multitude of questions about Hogwarts in particular and the wizarding world in general."
"Ah, I remember them, too," I chimed in. "Mr Evans was the tall blonde guy who always looked a bit out of place at platform nine and three-quarters, slightly overtaxed with all the hustle and bustle of wizards and witches coming and going whereas Mrs Evans- and Lily clearly inherited her good looks from her- was all enthusiastic about it. She always had a chat with my Dad, who was equally excited about the whole wizarding world."
Harry Potter just beamed at us, eager to hear more. Well, I couldn't tell him much more since I had only met the Evanses twice a year at platform nine and three-quarters, at the beginning and the end of each term until our fifth year. Severus knew them much better since he had often been invited to their house but I doubted he wanted to tell Harry about Daisy Evans' attempts to get some food into him for she had thought him much too thin. And then it had all ended because of a slip of tongue, a desperate outcry in a moment of utter humiliation...
"What happened to them? How did they die?" Harry wondered aloud since Aunt Petunia had apparently never bothered to tell him. He thought up some wild theories about Death Eaters having murdered then, almost seeing the Dark Mark hovering over the house- I could tell from watching his face. He would never become an Occlumens.
Severus noticed that, too. Potter's expression would always give him away, no matter how hard he tried. He walked on, slowly, realizing that it might look suspicious if we all stood there, staring at that house although the neighbourhood wasn't nearly as conservative and gossipy as in Privet Drive. Here, people preferred to mind their own business
"John Evans died in a car crash the winter after our graduation. Daisy Evans was already suffering from an incurable disease then and only lived long enough to see Lily marrying... your father." He managed very bravely to not speak out the scathing remark about James Potter that was on the tip of his tongue, and I was very proud of my husband since I wasn't certain if I would have managed if I were in his shoes.
"So they never met me," Harry said sadly.
It must be frustrating to know that your only living relatives were the Dursleys, especially if you so longed for a family. Alas, the closest to a family he had was his godfather, Sirius, and he had just proven to be as immature as he'd been as a student. Although- and I gave him credit for that- he tried to get over his grudges even if he failed every so often and especially on a day like this when the grief over James' death brought him back into Marauders mode.
"No," Severus said uncommitted.
"Anyway, thank you, sir, for sharing your memories with me."
Severus' lips curled up in a slight sneer. "You're welcome, Potter."
The boy blinked at my husband. Had the Potion Master just said something almost civil to him? He decided to not push his luck too much and bid his farewell. We watched him walk down the road, lost in thoughts. There were a lot of things he had to mull over.
"So, that didn't work out too bad, hm?" I said as I snaked my arms around his waist and snuggled up closer to him. Severus mumbled something unintelligible. I breathed a kiss on his cheek. "Ah well," I sighed, "I know you will never become the president of the Harry Potter fan club, but the boy isn't an insufferable berk like his father."
"True, nevertheless I feel better when he is not around." He kissed me gently
In the end we had come to some sort of closure.
"Let's go home, Sev."
