Summary:
Poor Cullen needs to just get out of his own head.
Notes:
A little delayed on this one. If you think this is painful to read, imagine having to write it then recreate it in pictures.
(/hugs everyone in comfort - whether for yours or my own... that remains to be seen).
Only a couple more chapters of Cullen having issues before we start our upward climb again.
I promise - the upward climb will be worth it.
There's a method to my madness... even if the madness is ripping my heart out and dancing the remigold on it right now. (sad sigh)
Mild TW. Canon typical for Cullen. Details in endnotes if you think you need them.
Cocktails & Cheese
Cullen and Alistair - A Modern Day AU
Chapter 50
Mishaps & Misfortune - Part 7
Cullen woke with a start, the horrors from his nightmare indelibly imprinted in his mind. This one was so much worse than the last one, compounding his feelings of panic and helplessness ten-fold. Choking back a sob, Cullen wiped the tears from his eyes and tried to get control of his breathing.
Rolling over, he caught sight of Alistair and Kieran wrapped together on the other side of the little nest they'd made. He remembered Kieran falling asleep in his arms after declaring that he was happy to have Cullen as one of his dads. Cullen lay there for hours afterward, combing his fingers through Kieran's hair, cherishing the idea of having a son.
He must have fallen asleep shortly before Alistair made it home as he didn't remember Alistair coming in or joining them to sleep. He certainly didn't remember Kieran moving from his arms into Alistair's.
Seeing Alistair clutching onto Kieran so protectively in his sleep was a cruel reminder to what his mind had just been showing him. Alistair's face contorted in anger and disgust making sure that Cullen was well aware of the fact that Kieran would never be his, that he'd never want someone as fucked up and broken as Cullen was to co-parent his son.
A sharp cramping in his abdomen warned him that he needed to get up and move. Now! He bolted out of their makeshift bed and quickly made it to the restroom in time for his stomach to empty its contents.
Cullen sobbed quietly through his heaving. He couldn't believe this was happening. He didn't want it to be true, but he couldn't shake the feeling of inevitability.
I'm going to lose them both - I'm going to lose everything!
Cullen managed to pull himself together enough to make it upstairs. He wasn't heading for his usual post-nightmare-sanctuary up on the roof, he needed a full escape. The only thing he could always count on for that was to throw himself into his work. And, he had a lot of work to do.
Snorting at himself in disgust, he thought of all the time he wasted the day before as he slept the day away at Dorian's. That wasn't going to find Nick and it certainly wasn't going to protect Dania.
I need to get my shit together. I'm no good to anyone like this. I'm no good…
Cullen shook his head, trying to clear it from those spiraling thoughts. It was time to focus, time to tuck his issues into that little box in the back of his brain. It was time to steel himself for what lay ahead.
As he stepped into the shower to start his day, he tucked away one last thought:
I need to get ready to meet Anders.
At just past four in the morning, Cullen took one last look at how peaceful and perfect Kieran looked sprawled across his father's sleeping form. With an ache in his chest and the weight of his fears resting on his shoulders, Cullen quietly locked up and ventured out into the chill morning air.
Cullen was halfway through his pile of reports when Rylen walked into the office and closed the door behind him. "Sir, you're scaring the natives. What's going on?"
"What?! I…" Cullen stopped and reflected on his morning: ignoring his officers greetings, grumbling through getting his morning coffee, slamming his office door after announcing that he wasn't to be disturbed. "Fuck." He hung his head, and sighed. "So they sent you in to placate the beast once again. I'm sorry, Rylen. I know this is harder for you than they realize."
"You are certainly screaming loudly at me today; your colors are brighter and more chaotic, making you harder than usual to look at, and every flavor coming off of you is bitter and burnt. But all this extra shit, I can deal with." Rylen leaned against the side of the desk, his voice softening. "What has me the most concerned is that my friend is hurting and, true to his form, isn't letting anyone in to help. When you're upset, the whole office suffers. So, out with it: what's going on?"
Cullen leaned back in his chair and looked at the ceiling. "I don't know. It may not even be anything. And I have been seeing Dorian about it -well, most of it- so it's not like I've just been pushing it down and ignoring it."
"Well, that's something at least. Is it helping?"
"I want to say, yes? Dorian always helps."
"But?" Rylen prompted.
"But… this feels like the catalyst is still looming. The other shoe is about to drop."
"Wait, so you're upset about something that hasn't even happened yet?"
"Yes… and, no," Cullen said. "You might as well take a seat, Rylen."
Rylen made himself comfortable.
"You know I haven't been sleeping well?"
Rylen nodded. "You've mentioned that your nightmares returned recently, but surely this can't all be about lack of sleep."
"What was the first thing you were taught in your training with Lana?" Cullen asked, leaning back in his chair and taking a sip of his coffee.
"To make sure that I took care of myself by getting plenty of exercise and sleep, also the right types of food," Rylen parroted.
"Why?"
Rylen smiled in understanding. "Because, when our bodies are healthy, we are better able to handle outside input." He chuckled. "And I have a whole bunch of that these days."
Cullen sighed. "When our foundations are strong, we are at our sharpest. Our mental ability to handle our environment is just as important as our physical reflexes." He leveled his gaze at Rylen. "It's true for everyone. Even for someone like me whose had more experience with this than any one person should ever have to endure." Cullen looked down, picking at the lid on his coffee-cup. "I haven't been sleeping well, which normally that wouldn't be enough to push me off my game…"
"But?" Rylen prompted.
"...but, lately my nightmares have included a looming darkness in them. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know who or what it is, but it feels ominous. It feels… inevitable." He sighed heavily. "Dorian mentioned that this might be more of a premonition than just my past fears coming back to haunt me."
"So… you've got a 'looming darkness' hanging over your head, making you jumpy?" Rylen asked skeptically.
"Well, when you put it like that..." Cullen rolled his eyes, then put his face in his palms. "It's not just that, Rylen. This feels real. It is coming and I fear it's going to take something important away from me." He looked over at the rose on his desk.
Following his gaze, Rylen drew in a breath. "Surely not Alistair!" If he was incredulous before, that was nothing compared to the disbelief in his voice now.
"And… Kieran," Cullen added in a whisper before wiping his hands down his face and clearing his throat. "I didn't know how it was going to happen, but… yesterday when Alistair spoke to his attorney, I saw something in him shift." Cullen looked up, haunted. "I'm torn Rylen. I don't like feeling possessive; I don't want to feel jealous. Yet, I can't help but feel threatened by Anders coming to town. The way the rest of the world ceased to exist for Alistair when they were talking… I just—"
"Then we'll get Dania a different attorney. It doesn't have to be Anders."
Cullen was already shaking his head. "Anders Thekla is the best at what they do. If anyone has a chance of bringing a Mac Tir to justice, it's them and I don't have it in me to take that away from Dania. She's been through too much, whether I have to suffer or not, she will feel safe again."
Before Rylen could respond, Cullen's phone chirped from the side of the desk. He looked at it and sighed.
[10:05]
Alistair: I just got off the phone with Anders. They will be in town within the hour. I've made reservations for us all to have lunch together - Dania has already said she'd be there. I hope eleven-thirty is okay.
Cullen stared at his phone for a couple more minutes trying to decide how to get out of it. He looked up at Rylen, conflicted. "I just can't do it Rylen, I need to figure this shit out before I meet them. I don't want to come off as an ass, but I think seeing Alistair and Anders together right now might break me."
"Why? What are you afraid of?" Rylen asked.
"I'm afraid of seeing the reality of my fears before me. I need to get myself in check before we meet and doing so in public may not be the best place for it."
"On the contrary, I think that having people all around you will keep you more aware of your actions." Rylen shrugged. "But that might just be me."
Cullen sighed and typed out a quick reply.
[10:08]
Cullen: I can't make it today; I'm swamped. Enjoy your lunch; feel free to bill it to me at the station. You can brief me on the details later.
Cullen's phone rang, so he answered trying to put on his most professional voice. "Hey, Al—"
"Are you okay?" Alistair asked without preamble.
"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"I don't know, you seem… off. I just want to make sure everything is all right."
Cullen scoffed and said under his breath, "I'm surprised you even noticed."
"Wait, what? Cullen, what's going on?" Alistair sounded worried.
Pushing down his guilt, Cullen answered, "I'm sorry, Alistair, I'm really busy right now. I need to focus on finding Nick. It's like he's fallen off the map."
Alistair sighed. "Cullen, love, you'd let me know if something wasn't ok… wouldn't you? You'd tell me if something else was bothering you?"
"Of course, I'm just… I think it's better if we divide and conquer at this point." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Plus... I know how excited you are to see Anders again. I don't want to get in the way," Cullen said, trying his best to sound casual, but falling short, even to his ears. "I thought you two might like some time to… re-connect."
There was a pause of silence on the other side of the line. "If this is about my history with Andy, Cullen-" Alistair took a steadying breath. "Sweetheart, you know you hold my heart now. I love you , and only you."
"Look, I'm trying… I— I just have a lot to do. This case-"
Alistair cut in, "How did your visit with Dorian go yesterday? I never got a chance to ask."
"It was… fine."
"Did you guys come up with anything new about these dreams? Are they related to… to this ?"
"Alistair, if you want all the details, just call him yourself, I don't have time—"
"Cullen, please don't push me away like this. I'm worried about you and you're not giving me any straight answers."
"Well stop , all right? I'm fine. I'll be… fine." Cullen pinched the bridge of his nose as the silence stretched.
"Look Cullen, Anders is really looking forward to meeting you." Alistair sighed. "I wish you would join us for lunch, but I understand if you can't. Or, at least, I think I do. You can't avoid meeting forever, though. Why don't I bring you something back after? You need to eat. I'd like… I need to see you. Then maybe after, you two can meet."
Cullen sighed. "What will that solve?"
"I'm hoping that maybe… meeting them will help with whatever this is you've got going on."
"I doubt it," Cullen said under his breath, then resigned himself to the inevitable. "Fine… whatever will make you happy. I have to go. Enjoy your visit and I guess I'll see you later." He hung up before Alistair could respond.
"Well, that went well," Rylen deadpanned.
"Shut up, Rylen. I feel like such an ass. He hasn't done anything to deserve being treated like that; I just can't help myself right now."
"You need to try harder."
"I know. But he doesn't know what I know."
"What do you know? Nothing really, is it? You've had dreams and you feel like they're a premonition. But dreams aren't always literal. They're abstract. So what if… what if your dreams are just projecting you pushing him away? The results would still be the same, wouldn't they? It's like a self fulfilling prophecy."
Cullen sighed again. "You may be right, Rylen. How do I shake this feeling?"
"That's a good question. What's helped you in the past?"
Cullen thought about it. Reaching out to touch the sword on the wall behind him, he ran his fingers lovingly over the blade. "Even at my darkest, my faith always helped carry me through."
"When was the last time you went to the chantry?"
"We went to visit Mother Natalie last week."
"But, when was the last time you were there… for you?"
Cullen thought about it. He still maintained his chants and devotionals at home, but the only time he sought his faith for comfort lately was after particularly bad nightmares. "It's been... awhile. I used to live so close that it was nothing to just go take a few moments after work. But now? I seek comfort in Alistair and Kieran. I find comfort in… my family."
"So, maybe you need to go today after work. Perhaps Andraste will have the answers you seek."
Cullen ventured a small smile. "Thanks, Rylen. For everything."
"Anytime, boss. Now, if we're done feeling all these emotions…" He waved his hands to mimic clearing the air. "I think it's time we get to work and find this asshole."
"You're right. I'm almost done transcribing the recording from yesterday. Is there any new information from our officers out in the field?"
"We had people out canvasing his usual hangouts all night. No one's seen him. Oh, but we did get a phone call from his father this morning."
"Loghain?" Cullen asked, surprised.
"The one and only. He said that he heard we were looking for Nick and wanted us to know that he hasn't seen him. He also wanted to assure us that he will let us know if and when he hears anything; that his 'people' are currently out looking too. Whatever influence you had on him the last time you two butted heads, seems to have sunk in and done some good."
"I have to admit, I'm pretty surprised. He's on his last strike right now; he knows if he fucks up one more time I will have him by the balls. It's been blissfully quiet without a Mac Tir on my radar lately. Guess it was just too good to last. Let me know if he calls back with any updates. In the meantime, who do we have out in the field?"
"Kelvin and Sera are currently out talking to people. Sera has some contacts that might have some inside information. Oh, and Cole from the night shift said he had some things to follow up on today, so he's working a double."
Cullen looked up, interest piqued. "He knows something, doesn't he?"
"He hasn't said-specifically-but you know how he is. He'd rather stay in the shadows and fix things when people aren't looking. But by his reaction, I'd say, yes. He's on the trail of something, or someone, to help the case."
"Is he working alone?"
Rylen shook his head. "No, sir; Merrill is with him. She said something about keeping him by her side because he's a little too focused to pay attention to his surroundings right now. He was rambling on about an evil presence and he needs to find it before it succeeds. Maybe that's your ominous presence? Or, maybe it's just Cole trying his best to find Nick before he hurts Dania. But, whatever it is, he's pretty focused on finding it right now. Merrill's got Sten and Dagna covering tonight's shift and she's called in favors from other districts to fill in the holes; Hawke and Hawke will be arriving later this evening; on loan from the fourth."
"Garrett and Carver? I've worked with them before... good men, even if they're a little unorthodox. Carver used to want to be a Templar, back in the day; probably would have made a good one too, but his brother didn't want to join and I hear they're really close."
"Inseparable, so the rumors go. "Rylen shrugged. "Anyway, everyone's doing what they can. We'll find that asshole. In the meantime, you take care of you; go sleep it off at Dorian's again if you have t o . And don't let the 'premonition' get under your skin. You and Alistair are made for each other. He loves you." Rylen pointed to Cullen's rose. "Please keep that in mind before you let your imagination run off on any more tangents."
"I'll do my best, Rylen. Thank you."
"Anytime, boss. Do you need anything else?"
"Lets pull in a few more officers. Follow up on Merrill's inquiries and see which precincts have people to spare. I want bodies in the field, but I don't want to leave anyone short handed."
"You got it, sir." Rylen clapped Cullen on the shoulder, then took his leave.
End Notes:
TW Cullen wakes from his nightmare and has a panic attack which causes vomiting. The rest is him just trying to climb out of his own head.
Thank you all for reading, to Pontical for their editing prowess, and to Tatteredleaf for having my back. I made lots of changes after other fingers left my cookie jar. All errors at this point, are all my own!
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