Client 5: ?

Ryoko was sprawled out on the red couch in the room, one hand propping up her chin and the other vigorously rubbing her butt. While a very pretty girl, even her greatest admirers would acknowledge the fact that her face looked a bit... scary right now.

"Damn it, Kimidori, why did you go and practically shish kebab me right here? It might be made of data, but this body is very important to me! It still hurts, darn you!" Ryoko hissed at her companion across from her. "Being jabbed with my own beloved knife... Is that what I get for trying to help you? You didn't have to claw at me after he ran off on you."

"Helpful?" scoffed Emiri, lying on her back on the room's rug. She sat up and gave her assistant a glare. "You instantly jumped to conclusions and drove away the one person who could have shown me what true happiness was like. I'll be spending the rest of my life trying to explain why you flat-out threatened Kunikida's life and why he should give me another chance. Oh, my poor, sweet, and defenseless Kuni... "

Ryoko just grinned horribly, despite the slight pain she was still in. "He probably thinks you're a clingy and obsessive horndog. Because now that you've explained things to me, it seems like I saved the life of Kunikida. Who knows what kind of horrors you might have inflicted on him with your womanly ways if I had gotten here ten minutes later~..."

As she expected, this was enough to get a very enraged Emiri to crawl over to her spot and snarl at her. "How DARE you say that to my face, you radical ingrate! I was just trying to charm Kunikida into confiding all his fears and worries into me so we could possibly form a friendship that could blossom into something more one day!"

"Of course," Ryoko said, snickering. "You obviously wanted something from him to get into you..."

Fed up with being called a cheap slut (and having her thinly-veiled scheme of getting into a shota's pants exposed), Emiri got to her feet and placed her hands on her hips. "That's it. I didn't take up this job of observing Haruhi Suzumiya just so I could sit back and have a renegade interface like you insult me!"

The blue-haired psychopath just gave her the ultimate trollface. "Then what do you usually do?"

"...Get out of my sight before I make a request to reconfigure your data into a life-form with less than a hundred brain-cells, Asakura."

"But-"

"NOW."

Emiri made a gesture, causing Ryoko to vanish instantly and cutting off whatever retort she had prepared to say. Now that she didn't have anyone to annoy her, Emiri spent the desk of her time sitting at the small desk they had provided for her in the room to await any calls that might come in. At one point in her waiting, she noted that she only had ten minutes left before she could officially call it a day. That settled it.

No one would probably be arriving for an appointment today.

"How disappointing. All I did was go to class and sit around here at lunch. No one even scheduled to see me at all," Emiri complained to herself, recalling some of her past sessions. "...Then again, maybe it's a good thing I didn't see anyone. Maybe I should look into other careers besides psychology."

And so Emiri decided to pack it in early and head back to the dull little apartment she could home. If today was going to end up uneventful, the rest of her day at home would most likely contain sitting at her coffee table while waiting for the IDTE to give her an evaluation of the day's events. Complete with eating a drab T.V. dinner and playing with her stuffed-animals.

I'll probably end up conversing the night away with Asakura, she thought dully as she reached for her schoolbag. At least she's entertaining. And I can't really stay mad at her forev-

That was when Emiri sensed that she was not alone.

"...Is someone there?" she asked aloud, ready to call for back-up in case of a surprise attack. There was a flicker of movement in a dark corner of the room behind. Emiri spun around to confront the unknown threat.

And wished she had not.

"Hello."

"...Well, well. Good afternoon to you, too, Suou. I thought I detected the presence of something suspicious," Emiri announced, eyes narrowed at the alien who had just materialized in front of the door.

Kuyou's soulless eyes bored into Emiri's pale green ones. "I brought a message. For... you."

"You did? Is it something pertaining to my superiors? Or are you just trying to pick another fight?" Emiri accused, a smug sort of smile on her face.

Kuyou tilted her head in what seemed to be confusion before resuming her empty stare. "You are a liability to my cause. And it has been decided."

"Just what was decided?" Emiri inquired, subconsciously backing towards the back of her desk.

Kuyou's answer was to raise her left arm and whisper a few words. Her limb extended in double its normal length transformed and her fingers sharpened and fused together. It had now transformed into a shimmering blade of red light.

"That I must make you... disappear."

Emiri's smug look took a vacation and left the face of imminent doom to take charge.

"Now just hold on for a second, Suou. Violence never solves anything. Why don't you and I schedule a meeting for next week with us and Yuki Nagato? How does that tickle your fancy?"

"Overridden. Your suggestion has been deemed faulty and inferior. The method of extreme physical force to achieve communication and an audience with the one called the Integrated Data Thought Entity has been chosen. Your demise will prove to be an effective factor in that act," Kuyou murmured, raising the blade over her head with little difficulty. "Goodbye... Emiri Kimidori."

The shorter creature hopped up on top of the desk, arm still poised for a deadly attack.

Now Emiri could have summoned Ryoko back to the room in order to double-team her opponent or called her faction's branch for some back-up, but she was so consumed with pants-wetting fear at being gutted that she carelessly blurted out something else. Perhaps some small part of her subconscious thought that the plan could appeal to a being like Kuyou. ...Or figured spewing any assortment of random crap would distract her long enough for Emiri to dive out the window.

"Suou, how you ever taken the time to sit down and reflect on the choices you have made in life?" Emiri spat out, ready to whip up a shield anyways.

Kuyou momentarily paused and raised one of her eyebrows slightly. "...What?"

"I mean..." Emiri stated, working up some bravery. "I would just like to ask you a few things about yourself. I don't really know that much about you. Maybe if we just talked about some of your history for only a few minutes, we wouldn't have to resort to anything... messy."

Kuyou thought about this and reverted her blade back into her arm. She stiffly walked over to the couch and sat down. Swinging her legs over the floor, Kuyou looked more like a big porcelain doll than an otherworldly abomination from the stars. Relived, Emiri took her regular place in her chair.

"Now just answer as truthfully as you can on my questions. We'll go back in case you get confused or can't understand what I'm asking you. By doing this, we can try to get inside your mind and see how your psyche processes things."

"...I understand."

Five Minutes Later...

"So what is one of your favorite things to eat?"

"...Things."

While Emiri had managed to avoid a painful death, she had also learned something new- Kuyou was a rather plain and odd individual. Half of her answers were short and to the point, while the other half were very vague.

At least she knew that her favorite color was black.

"So, ummmmm, Suou..." Emiri muttered, trying to think up more questions to ask before Kuyou tired of them and did something bloody. "Why do you think you eat so much? I know for one that beings like us don't need to eat to live, but why is it that you constantly eat?"

Kuyou decided that Emiri was referring to the time they had last seen each other in the city and she'd a roasted turkey in her jaws. "It makes me feel full."

"Well, that does it for anything that eats, really."

"I do it so I'm not empty inside."

Emiri raised an eyebrow. "And where do you feel empty most of all?"

"Here." She pointed to where her heart was.

Oh, the poor little thing... Emiri thought, hiding a pang of sadness. "Why does your heart feel like that?"

"I do not know. It functions properly. It mainly happens after I speak with Fujiwara and Kyouko Tachibana," Kuyou replied.

"And what do they mainly say to you?" Emiri asked.

"That I'm an ugly freak," Kuyou bluntly replied, but still looking as blank as ever.

"They do? That's mean of them!" Emiri responded. Though she had no love of the rival group, this kind of behavior seemed even nasty for people like them. "I bet if they knew the real you, they would treat you better."

"The real me?" Kuyou asked, actually blinking is confusion.

"Yes. the real you. the part that's hidden under all the ones, zeros, and misconceptions about human life. If you want to truly be your own person, you have to dig deep and let it free!" Emiri cheered. Though she did somewhat doubt that someone like Kuyou could do such a thing.

"Well..." Kuyou announced, actually looking nervous and she crossed her fingers. "There IS a side of me that is undiscovered. That no one knows about. No one. ...Not even my creators."

A very interested Emiri leaned in. "And just what is this hidden side? Free it, Suou! Let me see it!"

"It is a secret side. A hidden side... My preppy side."

"...Excuse me?"

"Behold."

Kuyou stared straight at Emiri and her eyes turned all grey and lifeless. Then there was a short humming sound. Kuyou's eyes turned back to black again, but now she looked faintly surprised as she clutched the sides of her face.

"OMG! I can feel again!"

Emiri's reaction was reasonable. "Did you just using an actual internet saying?"

"Emiri, this is me. The real Kuyou. I was locked away in the deepest parts of my own brain! If I acted any differently by talking to you guys, I would have been thrown away like trash!" Kuyou yelled in a high-pitched, girly voice. "It was torture for me! Being all bland and boring and emo..."

"Bwah?" Emiri blurted out in a state of stupor.

"Part of me really wanted to be myself. My bosses were total assholes and wanted me to be all dumb, but I had scanned a whole bunch of the Earth after I came alive and stuff. I, like, started with places like California and stuff. Then I had to act like a little zombie so they wouldn't suspect anything!" Kuyou continued, making dramatic hand-gestures and swaying a lot.

"...Uh-huh," the green-haired therapist said.

Kuyou clapped her hands and smiled in a way that could only be called kawaii. "But now I, like, got all this stuff that I wanna talk about. I like Sasaki, because she's always really, really nice to me. Fujiwara is pretty hot, but he uses me like a tool for his evil plots! He can be kind of a tool, too! Hee hee hee~... Oh, and Kyouko is kind of a ditz though. She's totally gay for Sasaki if you think about it." She emitted a laugh that ended with a tiny snort at the end.

Emiri just sat there, completely mystified by what she had unleashed.

"I have a secret to share with you, Emiri~..." Kuyou said in a teasing manner, leaning over. "You wanna know why I always had to speak with pauses in between my words?"

Emiri snapped out of her daze and asked, "Is it because your body didn't have enough sufficient data for speech?"

"No," Kuyou whispered. "It was because I was, like, being... censored."

"Seriously? What for?"

"Every time you heard me pause in one of my sentences in the past? It was actually me, like, trying to use some of my favorite words. Like oh, my god, totally, rad, gnarly, tubular, way cool, awesome, groovy, mondo, outrageous, and funky. Oh, and lulz. I like that one~... I think I'm ready to show the world the true me~!"

Oh, god, what have I brought upon the world? Emiri thought as Kuyou stood up

With a single swipe of her right hand, Kuyou ripped off her hair and clothes and instantly became a new person. Her once black hair became a shimmering curtain of platinum blond hair, a large pink bow with white polka-dots sat atop it, expensive lip-gloss covered her lips, a low-cut aqua tank-top covered her torso and exposed her midriff, a pair of hot pink booty-hugging hotpants replaced her skirt, and matching purple sandals with butterfly buckles were on her feet.

Kuyou now resembled a large Barbie doll if you squinted hard.

"...WHAT THE FUCK?" a slack-jawed Emiri deadpanned.

"I only had black hair because it totally matched my outfit for school~," Kuyou admitted in a sing-song voice, toying with some of her strands. "But now I don't care what anyone thinks~! I can still learn about people this way~! And if people don't like me for who I am, I can just ignore 'em all! Or rip them apart or eat them or something..." The newly-made blond paused to look at some lint floating past her head.

Emiri decided to say something but the sentence died in her throat, along with the rest of her sanity. ...Oh, FUCK, is that one of those bendy purses next to her? Where did she get THAT! The world was not ready to behold the horror that was valley-girl Kuyou.

"...Whoa, almost forgot what I was gonna do next! Thanks for being a super friend and listening to all my dumb stuff, Emiri~. You're sweet~..." Kuyou said sweetly, embracing her traumatized doctor in a blueberry-scented hug. "I'm gonna run home and talk to the girls! And Fujiwara, too! Oh, my gosh, maybe I can finally ask him out on a date! Even if he doesn't want to go, lulz~! Then we can all go shopping, have some frosty chocolate milkshakes, walk in the park, watch a movie, do each other's hair..."

"Uhwhaaaaaaaaaaaaa...?" said a rather horrified Emiri.

Kuyou listed a few other pointless activities before she hugged Emiri again and flounced out of the room, bendy purse in hand

Emiri spent the next day at home, continuously flipping through the phonebook for any good clinics in the area she could check herself into.


A/N: Thanks to Greg Zerich for suggesting the idea for preppy Kuyou.

That's the end of Emiri's arc. But I have word on that Mr. Wang 330 might be writing another excerpt for her in the future. if he still wants to do it, I'll post it here as a chapter of its own. Just think of it as a chapter that follows in this arc's continuity.

Next chapter will feature something that was written by a different friend of mine.