Thorin almost jumped out of his skin that morning when he opened the door of his room to see his eldest nephew stood inches before the doorway, a grave look on his face. There were dark circle's beneath Fili's blue eyes, and it was clear that he had not slept well that night.
"Fili," Thorin breathed, a hand on his chest, the heart within it beating like a drum, "what on earth are you doing here?" He frowned, looking up and down the torch-lit hall before staring at his nephew. There was a deep concern in Fili's eyes, which pulled his brows tightly together and left his gaze almost blank, like there was only one thing occupying his thoughts. "Is something wrong?"
"I ... I don't know, I think so." Thorin raised his eyebrows at him. Fili sighed, shifting his weight slightly. "It's Kili." Ah, Thorin thought, of course. The look of concern Fili wore was one only ever reserved for one person; his younger brother. Thorin tied his bed robe tighter around himself and folded his arms arcoss his chest, waiting for Fili to elaborate. Fili sighed again, his tongue running across his dry lips. "I'm worried about him."
"Fili, we've talked about this." Thorin said, trying to mask the exasperation in his voice. Fili rolled his eyes.
"And you keep saying the same thing; he just needs time. And I know that, I do. But there's something else, I know it." He ran a hand through his hair, "but he won't talk to me. Whenever I ask, he gets angry and runs. It as if he's scared to talk to me." He looked pleadingly at his uncle. "I don't know what to do, I've tried giving him time but whatever is bothering him only seems to be getting worse." Thorin stared into Fili's desperate eyes. To Fili, his most important role was to protect his brother, and for some reason Kili seemed to be pushing him away, and it was tearing him apart. Thorin could see that he was begining to question himself, if it was something he was doing wrong. Thorin sighed.
"Why don't you go get your brother and I'll speak to him over breakfast?"
"But that's just it, uncle, he doesn't want to speak about it; I've tried."
"Then what else do you suggest Fili? You have to keep trying. If there is something wrong, then he'll need you." As he always has. Thorin knew that if Kili was avoiding talking to his older brother, the person he hid nothing from, then he certainly wouldn't talk to him. He sighed. "I have business in Dale today, I need to speak to Bard. I'd like you to accompany me, Kili too. Perhaps he just needs to get out of this mountain." Fili frowned and pursed his lips. He'd seen the way his baby brother looked at Dale from the rampart, like he was afraid of the buildings, of the streets, as if the city itself was some sort of beast. It was the type of stiffening fear that may have gone unnoticed to others, but Fili saw it, as clear as daylight.
"I ... I don't think - "
"Then I don't know what else to say, Fili." Thorin sighed, moving passed his nephew to move down the hall, torchlight flickering around him, "I tell you to speak to him, you say it doesn't work, that he doesn't want to talk. I say that accompanying us to Dale may help, clearly you don't think that will work, either." Fili stayed where he was, his foot tapping on the stone floor slightly. Thorin did have a point, but Fili felt he was at a loss. He was so unsure about what to do, he didn't want to make anything worse and everytime he tried to help, that's exactly what seemed to happen. And each time Kili seemed to retreat further away from him. He supposed he should go and check on his brother, he had been most distressed when Fili last saw him and he hoped these past hours would have given him time to calm down. Fili sighed.
"I'll ask him," Fili called after his uncle. There's no harm in asking, he supposed. He lingered a moment where he was stood and watched Thorin disapear around a corner. He understood his uncle's haste, he was, after all, king now, and a king's sceduale was very busy, he just wished he would take some time to share a little more of Fili's concern. But, then again, Thorin had not spent as much time with Kili as Fili had, and therefor had not seen so much of the youngest Durin's strange behaviour. He sighed and turned on his heels to walk to his brother's room.
Kili hadn't moved from his position sat with his back pressed against the door. Now the tears had dried on his cheeks and his head slumped downwards and his eyes were closed, though he had not slept. As the hours passed, the empty feeling inside him had subsided into a cold numbness, and his heart still felt torn. In the past, when he had felt lost or scared he would go to his brother for comfort, but now the idea seemed to terrify him, a strange guilt squeezing at his gut. Fili didn't need his weakness dragging him down. Now that the mountain was reclaimed he was a true prince, and would be seen by others as such, and as Thorin's heir, the future king of Erebor. And the future king of Erebor didn't want to be seen with his weak younger brother tugging at his sleeve whenever he felt a little low-spirited ... which seemed to be all the time, lately.
"Why so glum, dwarfling?" Kili's head snapped up with a sharp inhale, his eyes flicking nervously around his room which was so full with light from candles and torches that the sun may as well have been shining directly into it. There were no dark shadows to be seen.
"Whose there?"
"You know who I am, Kili." The voice hissed. And Kili did. He knew that voice well, for it had been his own for some time. Double-layered and cruel, echoing and ethereal. It made Kili's blood freeze over, a chill running up his spine and spreading throughout his entire body. He'd heard this voice before, of course, but that had been in his dreams. And Kili had hardly slept in days.
"What do you want?" Kili asked, speaking to an apparently empty room, feeling his chest tighten.
"I've missed you, little one." The voice seemed to be coming from all directions, swirling about the room like a wind. "I miss our talks." Kili groaned and rose to his feet with a small wince; he'd been sat on the ground for so long that his bones and muscles had grown stiff.
"Well I don't," Kili growled. "Go away." He began to pace about his room. He'd kicked off his boots some time after Fili had walked away down the hall, finding them uncomfortable, and now the soles of his bare feet prickled agasint the cold floor, a slight ache begining to swell at his ankles. But as he walked, bare feet making no sound, they began to warm to the chill. This room could do with a rug or two, he thought to himself. Stone floors were much colder than the wooden ones he was used to in Ered Luin. In fact the whole mountain was cold, he wrapped his arms around himself.
"Come now," the voice said, a slight delightment to its tone. "Aren't you going to speak to me? I'm lonely." Kili huffed but said nothing, only continuing to pace. "It's been too long, my friend,"
"We're not friends." The prince hissed, eyes flashing in the bright torchlight. As he walked blindly around, he tried forced thoughts into his mind to drown out the Necromancer's voice, which continued to speak and taunt him, but each was drowned out before he had even the chance to think them.
"You can't ignore me, Kili."
"I can try."
"No you can't." The Necromancer chuckled, "It's just like when you thought you could keep me at bay, defeat me. It didn't work then, what makes you think you're stronger now?" Kili pressed his hands against his ears and squeezed his eyes tight. "You are weaker now."
"Shut up."
"Why would I do that? You're too much fun, Kili." If the Necromancer had a face, Kili was sure that it would be twisted in a sneer. "You fought so hard, it made it all the more enjoyable when I finally broke you. And you're still broken, aren't you?" There came an echoing chuckle, "Aren't you, little one? Perhaps more so." Kili stopped, his fingerss twitching at his sides. "Come to the mirror."
"Why?" Kili asked, a slight tremor to his voice. For some reason, the Necromancer's request filled him with apprehension, a twisting dread in his gut.
"Just come." The vocie was low and demanding, and as Kili turned slowly and stepped towards the mirror, shining glass in a wooden frame carved with the geometric patterns so typical of the dwarves, he felt like a puppet on a string. Drawn to the object as though in a trance. Yet, the moment his eyes fell upon his reflection, he jumped back with a start. His reflection was wrong. For in it he wore a cruel sneer which distorted his face and revealed rows of glinting teeth and his eyes were a deep inky black, like dark abysses.
"What's wrong, Kili?" His reflection smirked. Kili could say nothing, his mouth hanging open as he looked at himself, but not himself, in the mirror. "You seem surprised. Did you think I'd leave so easily? I'm not ready to give you up so soon."
"This is a dream. I'm dreaming." Kili squeezed his eyes shut tightly and dragged in a deep breath. But when he opened them again, his reflection was still grinning at him, his eyes glinting with amusement.
"Come now, you know that's not true." The reflection's head tilted back as he gave out a shrill laugh, black eyes shining with cruel delight. "Admit it, boy, you miss me. You miss feeling powerful. You miss making things, people, bend at your will. Having them bow to you."
"Having orcs bow to me, you mean?" Kili scoffed. "The only reason I'd want those beasts to bow is if I was about to take off it's vile head!"
"Tenacious, that's one of the things I liked about you." Kili's reflection folded his arms over his chest and studied the dwarf on the other side of the glass. He sighed dramatically. "You can deny it all you like, but I know you miss the strength I gave you. You hate feeling weak, useless. Yet with me, you were anything but."
"Shut up!" Kili growled, pointing an angry finger at the mirror. Within it, his reflection seemed to step forward, the room behind him growing dark and clouded.
"Do you want to know how I know that?" He asked. "Because we are still one." Kili flinched at the black speech, it had been so long since he had heard it. Azog had been the one to speak it to him last, in the cold air of Ravenhill with his one remaining hand stained with his dwarf blood and curled into his air. But Kili suddenly felt colder in that room than he did at all on that abandoned guard-post, if it wasn't for the burning rage he felt swell in his gut, he was sure he'd have turned to ice. At his sides, his fists curled. "You think you can escape me that quickly?"
"Stop it!"
"You will always be my prisoner!" The reflection barked, making the glass almost seem to shake and ripple. "You will never be free!"
"ENOUGH!" Kili roared, throwing his fist agains the mirror, the glass breaking like a spider's web, cracks spreading outwards like bolts of lightning. Inside the broken and cracked pieces, his reflection became distorted, but the pitch black eyes did not look away from him. If anything they shone with greater ferocity and twisted glee. He laughed shrilly, mockingly. The corners turning upwards in a twisted, cruel sneer. Kili punched the mirror again with an infuriated, animal-like growl, the sharp edges of the broken glass cutting at his knuckles and leaving behind a stain of red blood. Kili's chest rose and fell with deep, angry breaths, his eyes burning with rage and locked with the black orbs that stared back at him through the broken glass. "Leave me alone!" With a snarl, Kili lunged forward, wrapping his hands around the carved wooden frame of the mirror and throwing it to the floor. The Necromancer laughed shrilly right until the impact, when the glass shattered and spread across the floor. And then there was silence, like the moments of quiet after a storm before the birds began to sing again. The only sound was that of Kili's quick breaths. He stood as still as a statue, fists still curled at his sides. The blood from his torn knuckles ran like rivulettes betwee his fingers and dripped to the floor. He closed his eyes and dragged in a steadying breath, still feeling his heart beating like a drum in his chest. He stood there for some moments, thankful for the peace and sure that there was less chill to the air than there had been before. And he may well have remained stood there for a long while more if it was not for the knock on his door. The sudden sound in the still silence made him flinch, jumping back slightly. Kili hissed as a sharp shard of glass cut into the side the side of his foot. The knock came again.
"Kili!" His brother called. "Are you awake?" Well, if I had been asleep, I wouldn't be any more, the brunette thought with a roll of his eyes.
"Yes." He grumbled back.
"Can you open the door, then?" Kili looked at the overturned mirror, the wooden frame splintered slightly and down the floor about him, littered with broken glass and drips of ruby blood. "Please?" He sighed, knowing that it was undountable that Fili would simply walk away if Kili refused, there was a determined tone to his voice. It was clear his brother wanted to talk. Kili grumbled to himself, why did his Fili seem so intent on being impeded by his weak younger brother? He sighed, the Necromancer was right about that, at least, he was weak.
Fili leaned his shoulder against the door jamb, arms crossed over his chest, as he waited for his brother to open the door. If he would open the door, that was. He strained his hearing, leaning closer to the door to listen, unsure if he could hear Kili moving within. He straightned himself back up and lifted a closed palm, ready to knock on the door again, mouth opening to call his brother's name. But before he had the chance, the door opened. But only a little. Fili lowered his arm and frowned at his brother, whose eyes were somewhat glassy and his face pale.
"Are you alright?" He asked, raising a brow.
"Yes," Kili quickly responded, shifting his weight slightly. There was a uneasiness to him, as though he was nervous about something.
"Are you sure?" Fili pressed, craning his neck to peer over his brother's shoulder and into his room. It was brightly lit with dozens of candles and lamps, a thin layer of smoke floating through the air. In the light, something glinted on the floor, Fili narrowed his eyes at it, not quite able to make out what it was. But he was sure that something wasn't right.
"Do you need something?" Kili asked somewhat impatiently, drumming his fingers on the wood of the door. He seemed anxious to shut it again.
"Yes," Fili said slowly, dragging his eyes away from the glinting object on the floor and back to his brother's face. It was clear, Kili had not gone back to sleep once Fili had, regretably, left him some hours ago. "It's time for breakfast, Thorin would like you to join us he wants to ask you if you'll accompany ..." Fili's eyes fell to Kili's twitching fingers, seeing the blood and cut knuckles for the first time. He inhaled sharply. "Kili, what happened to your hand?" He reached to take it but Kili swiftly pulled away and held it behind his back, eyes widening.
"Nothing, it's fine." He mumbled.
"It's bleeding. What happened?" Fili pressed a hand against the door, attempting to push it wider, but Kili held it firm with his boot. Fili glanced down. His brother wasn't wearing his boots, in fact his feet were bare ... and torn. "Your feet are bleeding, too!" He gasped, "what on earth have you been doing."
"Nothing," Kili snapped, "leave me alone, go away."
"Kili,"
"Leave me alone!" Kili attempted to push the door shut on his elder brother but Fili pushed against him, he was stronger than Kili and managed to force it open, shifting Kili out of the way. His younger brother lowered his gaze as Fili stepped into his room, moving out of his brother's way as he erupted passed. Fili's blue eyes fell upon the broken mirror, upon the shattered glass which carpeted the stone floor. So that was what he saw glinting in the light. The room pitched into a long silence as he stood, staring down at the shards and splinters which littered the cold stone floor, the torchlight reflecting in the glass and making them appear like little flames. Some of them were stained with red, his eyes followed the trail of blood drops and crimson footprints until his gaze rested on Kili, who seemed to shrink away from him. He felt his shoulders slump. He had known something was wrong.
"Nadadith, what happened?"
"N..nothing, it was dark, I tripped."
"Kili, there's at least a dozen candles in here, it's certainly not dark. And you don't get cuts like that on your knuckles from just 'tripping.'" Fili knew that Kili had punched the glass. What had he seen in his reflection? He sighed and stepped forward, placing a gentle hand beneath his brother's chin and tilted his head up so brown eyes met blue. "What really happened?" The younger sibling said nothing, but sniffed back a tear. Fili looked deeply into his averted eyes. And they said so much. He could see from them that his brother was afraid, there was a sorrow and a weariness, not just from little sleep but from something which went much deeper. He could tell that there was something deep inside his younger brother which was causing a great hurt. Fili sighed and curled a hand around the back of his brother's head, pulling it gently downwards to rest upon his shoulder whilst wrapping his other arm around him. At first, Kili stiffened and it was like gripping onto a rock statue, but then he relaxed and sunk into Fili's hold, letting out a long exhale. Fili allowed them to sink into a silence for some moments, simply savoring the closeness. Kili had not allowed him to hold him like this for over a week, often shrinking away from his touch. A part of Fili felt as though he was getting somewhere, but another part of him felt as though he was only loosing Kili more, for, as he held him, he could feel the cracks in his brother's formerly strong soul, felt the way it suddered and shaked. Yes, there was something deep inside which was tearing him apart. "Kili," he said softly, "please talk to me." Kili sniffed.
"I...I don't know how." Fili frowned and held his brother at arm's length.
"What do you mean?" He asked. Kili shrugged, his eyes falling slightly. "Hey," Fili shook him gently, pulling his gaze back. "You can always talk to me, little brother, you know that. Don't you?"
"You don't need my problems, Fili." Kili said in a low voice. "You've so much you to think about, Thorin, Erebor, you don't need to worry over me, too."
"Kili." Fili said, exasperated. "Erebor and Thorin can wait, just because we've reclaimed the mountain doesn't mean you are any less important. Home is where you are, where we are, together, and sometimes you seem far away." Fili looked into Kili's dark eyes. "You're hurting, Kili, I can see that. Something is bothering you, and whatever it is, it's taking you away from me. This silly notion that you're unimportant? That you're less of a priority? Get rid of it. You're my little brother, Kili, no one or nothing is more important to me than you. Nothing. I want to help you, I want to help you feel better. And I can't do that unless you let me in, unless you talk to me."
"I've tried, but ..."
"But what?"
"But everytime it's like a hand clamps shut over my mouth, pushing the words back down. And a voice whispering in my ear that you don't want to hear it, that you don't care, and I try to ignore it but ... but it's stronger than me. I don't know how else to explain it and it sounds stupid and ..."
"Kee, it's alright. It doesn't sound stupid."
"It...it doesn't?"
"It's a strange concept," Fili chuckled lightly, "but no, it doesn't sound stupid. You're opening up, at last, and I'm glad. And I want you too, as much as possible, no matter how stupid you think it is, alright?"
"Alright," Kili nodded with a small smile. "Just ... just don't tell Thorin, or anyone else. I don't want them thinking me weak, I've had enough of that."
"Kili, nobody will think that."
"Just promise me. Please." Fili looked at the desperation in his brother's face. He sighed, a step had been taken that morning, Kili had finally opened up to him, somewhat, for that, he was thankful. And he supposed it would be too much to expect Kili to do the same to anyone else. He pursed his lips slightly and nodded.
"Alright." He gazed back down at Kili's torn knuckles and feet, and then at the broken mirror. "I supposed we should sort this mess out," he shrugged, "sit down, I'll clean this up." Kili shifted his weight where he stood for some moments before moving to lower himself upon his bed, running his palms over the soft bedsheets. He felt the great weight lift slightly from his shoulders as he watched his brother brush up the shards of glass. He was thankful for Fili, for his unwavering love and protection and support. And no matter how much that little voice chattered negatively away at the back of his mind he was sure that Fili's words had been true, you're my little brother, Kili, no one or nothing is more important to me than you.
"You don't really believe that, do you?" Said a voice.
"What?" Kili asked. Fili looked over his shoulder at him.
"I didn't say anything." He said, before turning back to his task, the glass scraping lightly across the stone floor as he collected it up.
"Sweet big brother Fili, so loyal." The voice said in a dramatic, over-sweet manner, before letting out a frustrated growl. "I do wish I'd made you kill him when I got the chance. I should have made you snap his neck in Laketown."
"Shut up," Kili hissed quietly, shaking the voice from his head. Fili turned back to him, his brows pulled together slightly with confusion.
"What?"
"Nothing, sorry." Kili rolled his shoulders, "I was just ... talking to myself." He forced a smile.
"Right." Fili said in a slow voice, clearly dubious. He gazed down at the glass shards and then back at his brother. "Kili, why exactly did you break the mirror? I know you didn't trip." Kili lowered his gaze, his hands fiddling with a loose thread on the hem of his sleeve. He felt his gut twist. How could he answer that question? He couldn't tell the truth, his brother would think him crazy. If he were to say "I saw myself as the Necromancer in the glass, he was taunting me, he was talking to me just now, too" surely Fili would think he was coming unhinged. But what else could he say? He could tell by his brother's arched eyebrows that Fili expected an answer.
"I ... it was nothing," he shrugged, "I was just ... angry at myself." He flicked his eyes towards Fili, who had moved to stand the broken mirror back up, it wobbled slightly. "For how I acted earlier." He added. Fili stared at him, skepticsism flashing briefly in his eyes. But he did not contest, which Kili was thankful for. "You won't tell Thorin about the mirror, will you?" Fili shook his head as he poured some water into a bowl and took up a cloth before moving to sit beside him on the bed.
"He doesn't need to know." He reached and took Kili's injured hand, thankful that it was not the one which was attached to his still broken wrist. "He will notice this though." He studdied the cuts, tilting them towards the light, thankful to see no trace of glass trapped beneath the torn skin. He placed the cloth in the water before rining it out and pressing it agaist Kili's hand, his brother hissing at its touch. "Sorry," Fili said instictively, lightening the touch of the cloth. As he sat there tending to his brother, he was transported back some weeks ago, to his room in the Master's house, when Dwalin did the same to him after he upturned and smashed pieces of furniture in a fit of rage. He remembered the burning fury that had bubbled in his gut after his uncle's behaviour - he still had not forgiven Thorin for that and he doubted he ever could. He glanced at his brother and wondered if Kili felt a hot burning or if he felt a numb coldness and decided, sadly, that it was the latter. He sighed and looked quickly towards the mirror, very little of the glass remained within the carved wooden frame. "Would you like the mirror replaced?"
"No." Kili said quickly.
"Alright," Fili shrugged, decided to not question the briskness of his brother's responce.
"What was you going to say before you came in?" Kili asked after clearing his throat, his eagerness to change the subject clear. Fili narrowed his eyes as he tried to remember back, he felt as though he had been in that room for hours, he was sure Thorin was wondering where they were. "About joining uncle somewhere?"
"Oh right, yes." Fili said with a nodd. He brushed the cloth across Kili's knuckles one last time before lifting it to inspect his work. The dried blood had been washed away and the cuts had been cleaned, they didn't seem so big now. Perhaps Thorin wouldn't notice them after all. He patted Kili's leg just below the knee. "Let me see your feet." He said. Kili pulled his legs up and Fili was thankful to see that, like his hands, only one of Kili's feet had been cut by the glass. He dipped the cloth back into the bowl, the water within turning red. "Thorin has to meet with Bard in Dale today, he would like us to accompany him."
"Dale?" Kili repeated with trepidation. Fili looked at him, seeing an obvious fear on his face. He had expected that responce.
"Yes."
"I ... don't know,"
"I think it would be good for you to get out of this mountain for an hour or two, it's doing you no good being stuck in here." Fili said, focusing again on Kili's torn feet, thankful, again that there was no trapped glass and the cuts were not as deep as they first appeared. "We used to go out every day back in Ered Luin, didn't we? Besides, you ought to see how the city is changing, Bard is doing a great job rebuilding it. It'll be good as new before long, I should imagine." Fili had been back to Dale once since returning to Erebor with Kili and had been quite impressed. Bard was proving himself a great leader and the people of Dale seemed to love him, far more than they did the Master. He looked again at Kili, seeing him still aprehensive. "You need not decide now, brother, I know it'll be hard for you to return there." He placed to cloth back in the bowl "finished," he smiled, "I don't know what Oin makes such a fuss about," he winked before standing to place the bowl back on the table he had fetched it from. Kili rose to his feet and wriggled his fingers and toes. "We should go," Fili said, "Thorin expected us to join him for breakfast ages ago, he'll think we've got lost." He joked, managing to rouse a small smile on Kili's lips.
-A/N-
Yes, I have returned from a month-long hiatus! Hello! I hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!
Quite a long chapter, but I really enjoyed writing this part, especially the brotherly love between Fee and Kee. Fili is such a good big brother 3 And poor Kili! The torment just doesn't end! And there's more of that to come, unfortunately. But wait ... what was that you said Kili? What language was that? Hmmmm.
If any of you are wondering where Bilbo and Gandalf are, they're still here somewhere, I'm just trying to fit them into the story without it being forced. We'll see them again at some point.
Thanks for your patience guys, I know this chapter was a long time coming, and I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please leave a review - I love hearing your thoughts - and if you haven't already, be sure to add my story to your favourites and give me and/or it a follow!
See you in the next chapter!
