068 afraid

Fear was a luxury that Spartans were not allowed. Still, Carter understood what it was. He felt it every time that he sent members of his team off on side missions. He feared that they wouldn't return. He'd been trained though, to push that fear aside and stay focused.

His fear with her was different. He couldn't push away his fear when it came to her. It was always present when he let her lead ops, or when she was separated from him in the field. He was always eager to hear her voice again, hear her report in that everything had gone according to plan. Whenever she was late to report he felt fear course through him until she finally reported in. When she did, she was either annoyed or tired. He only ever really felt at ease when he saw her again and saw that she was unhurt.

After particularly bad missions the fear would seep into his dreams, causing him to wake with nightmares of her death. He'd had nightmares of the fallen soldiers, of how they died, but they didn't scare him half as much as the ones about her did.

He could count the times she'd had him scared that she would leave him or she would die. The first time had been when Brian had showed up in the infirmary close to death. He'd feared that the only reason he hadn't seen Kat there was because she was dead. When he'd found out that she wasn't dead he'd been so relieved. Still, his fear had been there, had nearly broke him. In the end it had gotten the better of him and in that fear he made the mistake of kissing her. This brought in the new fear that she would transfer out of the team, that she hated him.

The second time had been when he found Richard and Kat together. He didn't understand this fear in the slightest bit. He'd tried to understand it, but no matter how hard he tried it was there. It didn't go away after Kat apologized, or after he forgave her. It stayed with him for years after the incident, but he never understood what the fear was of.

The last time was when they'd made love for the first time. He'd been so willing to make it work, but he'd been afraid that she would still hesitate. When he'd gone to her workshop that day, he'd been more afraid than any time before. It was a miracle that he'd been able to hide it from her.

Each and every time that he felt one of these fears she always eased it way. Even with the fear the second time. Each time she replaced it with more joy and pleasure then he'd imagined that he could get from another person. Kat could make him more afraid than an entire Covenant armada, but she always made it up to him in the end.

That fear was once more creeping over him. It was why he was here in the gym working out. He was hoping to chase the fear away, take his mind off of Kat being out in the field without him, but he was failing. Carter stared up at the ceiling; having lost count of his reps. He froze in lifting the weights as a face appeared above him.

At first he thought it was just his head getting lost in thoughts of her, but she frowned at him. "You do realize you're supposed to have a spotter if you are going to lift weights like that." Carter lifted the bar up and Kat helped him set it on the rack above the bench.

Carter sat up and turned to watch Kat walk around the bench to stand at his side. He tried to hide the relief from his voice. If she caught it she'd know he had been afraid and take it as him having a lack of faith in her abilities to command a mission. She'd already been doubting herself since Thom's death, so he didn't want to give her any reason to think he would doubt her.

"Jun is on the firing range and you took Emile and Jorge with you. I didn't have any other backups to spot me so I had to go without." Carter paused for a moment. "How'd the mission go?"

Kat frowned and moved to sit in front of him. She straddled the bench, facing him. "You don't think I can handle such an easy mission."

Carter didn't respond to that. "Did you complete your objective? Any injuries?"

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't complete my mission." Kat looked away from him. "We were all fine. The medics still insisted on looking us over."

"You don't seem happy about that." Carter scowled, the fear once more rising in him. "Where were you hurt?"

"My arm." Kat pulled up her sleeve enough for Carter to see the bruise. He blushed as he recognized the size and shape of the bruise. "You really need to be a bit more careful." Carter felt a bit of relief, realizing that the injury wasn't serious, though he was embarrassed that he'd been careless enough to bruise her. Kat smiled at the blush on his face. "At least you don't bite hard enough to leave marks."

A smile cracked over Carter's lips. With the silly comment the last of his fear had been brushed aside. His hands moved to her back and her neck, pulling her closer. His lips met hers and he broke it away after a few seconds. He stood up, moving through the gym toward the showers.