Chapter 49

"You have so many new scars," Lexa noted sadly. They were lying in bed, naked under a soft blanket, inside of Lexa's cabin. They heard the waves through the window and Costia thought that the sound, which was relatively new to her repertoire, was soothing.

Lexa was gently tracing Costia's bare collarbone area with her finger.

"Courtesy of Ontari, mostly," Costia shrugged.

Lexa's finger halted and Costia saw the pain on her face.

Guilt, Costia knew.

Lexa noticed Costia's promising tattoo next. It was mostly intact, except for the top part that was slightly damaged.

Costia followed her stare.

"I think it was an accident," Costia explained softly. "For the most part she never got near it. She liked keeping it whole as a reminder of everything I could never have again. I guess she got a little too excited," she released a heavy breath and looked away.

It was a scar from a burn, Lexa could tell. Ontari went for the area right above it and it seems like the tattoo just got in her way.

"You know you don't have to carry them here," Lexa reminded curtly. Just thinking about everything Costia had been through was too much to bear. Costia's scars were a map of her years in captivity and seeing it meant Lexa had to deal with what it meant.

"It's a part of who I am now, Alex," Costia provided simply. "And it's not your fault."

Titus taught them that scars were about endurance. Costia never believed it, but now, after years, she finally agreed with him for a change. She knew she could have masked them when she was inside the Flame, but she didn't want to. Because it showed that she endured.

"Just like my death isn't yours," Lexa challenged.

Costia smiled bittersweetly and shook her head. She was never going to believe that her absence didn't play a part in Lexa's demise, and Lexa was never going to believe Costia's absence wasn't her fault. Accepting that truth and living with that notion was the only thing they could do now. Well, at least Costia could. Lexa wasn't exactly living with it, or living, period.

Lexa knew exactly what Costia was thinking and she leaned in to kiss Costia's scars.

Costia moaned. Everything was so intense that she just couldn't believe that none of what she was feeling and experiencing was actually happening in the real world. Waves and waves of pleasure hit her entire being only earlier, as they loved each other for the first time in so long. It was so loaded and at the same time it was as if it jump-started her heart.

"You know," she started and swallowed hard, using every last bit of focus to finish her sentence, "you're missing one."

Lexa barely managed to tear herself away from Costia, but she wasn't sure what Costia meant, so she needed to look at her.

"What?" she was in such a daze, all she wanted to do was taste Costia's skin again. They've been apart forever and even after what seemed like hours of love making nothing felt like enough.

"You're missing one," Costia repeated, "a scar, from the wound that killed you."

Everything else was there. Lexa's body didn't change much. Not many battles were fought after Azgeda joined the coalition. It meant Lexa's body was almost exactly as Costia remembered it and there was some comfort in that.

Lexa seemed to consider the idea a moment. "I guess it's because I've never seen it," she spoke, contemplative.

Lucky you, Costia thought. She herself saw it only hours before, but she wasn't going to disclose that information to the very alive-looking version of her lover who was holding her tight.

"You got the conclave tattoo," Lexa noted, letting her hand go up and down Costia's spine. They didn't do much talking before. They were too pre-occupied, so while hours of elaborated physical contact made them notice all these things, they haven't discussed them.

Even with the added baggage that came with it, Lexa loved that Costia's representation in the Flame mirrored her real version. Costia always hid parts of herself from others, it seemed that things changed somewhat.

"Well, someone had to honor them," Costia shrugged as if the tattoo was a no brainer. "To honor my brother," she pushed herself up, hugging her bent legs.

"I'm so sorry, Cos. This is my fault. I should've handled Ontari when I met her instead of allowing her to go back to Azgeda," Lexa shook her head and pushed herself up as well to join her lover.

"Yeah, well, I should've handled Ontari when I met her but instead I got caught and fake-murdered."

Lexa snorted, she didn't want to. It was a serious moment, a moment in which she took responsibility for the death of her young novitiates, of Aden who was like a little brother to her, but Costia did what she always did, she made her laugh, she created a place for Lexa to feel lighthearted.

"I almost forgot," Lexa whispered and leaned in to kiss Costia's bare shoulder.

"Forgot what?" Costia asked in confusion.

"How you make me feel," Lexa admitted and cupped Costia's cheek. She just wanted to be close to her, all the time. "What you are."

"What am I?" Costia rolled her eyes.

"Just… a wonder. This magical creature among men," Lexa provided calmly. Everything fell into place when she was with the other woman, in a way that not even a calm afterlife in the Flame could provide.

"Alex…" Costia looked away in embarrassment.

"I just forgot what loving you feels like," Lexa went on. "It's the best feeling in the world."

Costia didn't know if to be touched by the words or upset. She never forgot what loving Lexa felt like. Then again, she knew that after she "died" Lexa tried to forget.

Costia scanned Lexa's face, she wasn't sure what to say.

Lexa thought she saw something a bit distant, guarded in Costia's eyes.

"Alex…"

"God I missed hearing you call me that," Lexa's eyes shut in pleasure. "I never thought I would hear you call me that again and so every time you say it my heart stops for a second." She didn't mean to sound cheesy, it just really was how she felt. It made Costia smile. Whatever else was on her mind was now gone.

"Alex," she said as she gently pushed Lexa back down. "Alex," she leaned in to kiss Lexa's collar bone.

Lexa moaned.

"Alex," Costia continued, this time kissing the side of Lexa's neck, letting her lips linger.

"Oh god," Lexa blurted.

"Alex," Costia finished and captured her lover's lips in a passionate kiss.

They were most definitely ready to go again.


Costia was standing on the cliff, wrapped in nothing but a thin blanket. She couldn't look away from the waves. She had never seen anything like that in her life and the little snug corner Lexa created for herself left quite the impression on Costia.

Did people really use to live this way? she wondered. Oceanside, cozy winter in a cabin with a fireplace?

She felt a sense of longing for something she never knew before. A breeze came from the ocean, making her shiver. She could feel the goosebumps all the way from her shoulders to her palms.

Suddenly there was a light touch from behind her, a kiss on the shoulder, and she was so surprised that she almost fell down.

But a quick hand held her from behind, wrapped her in a hug, making her feel safe.

"I've got you," Lexa whispered in her ear, tightening her hold and kissing Costia's neck.

"You fell asleep," Costia teased without turning around. "I didn't think it was possible to fall asleep in here."

"Me neither," Lexa admitted. "Maybe it's a post-coital thing," she chuckled, "I don't think anyone ever tried to have sex inside the Flame before." she put her free hand to Costia's thigh, making a shiver run down Costia's spine.

Costia gasped. "It looks so real," she managed to say between shallow breathes. "You created this place for yourself? Why? I mean, why specifically?"

Lexa's hand left Costia's inner thigh, making Costia groan in frustration. Lexa turned her lover around so she could see her face.

"You always wanted to see the ocean. I know it's not real, but it made me feel closer to you," she admitted.

Of everything Lexa told her so far, this was somehow the most touching thing. Lexa said all the rest already knowing Costia was alive, but this? This was a choice Lexa made when she thought Costia was dead. After her own death what Lexa wanted was to feel close to Costia.

Costia leaned in and pecked Lexa's lips.

"I'm sorry we never got to travel and see the world," Lexa offered sadly.

"Not going to be much world left soon enough," Costia soothed morbidly.

"You are wrong, Cos. You will figure this out," Lexa stated in certainty.

"And if I don't?"

"You will."

"Alex, be reasonable."

"If you don't then you die, and you come here, and we'll be together forever. I mean, that's the plan either way, for much later, though, because… you will."


She was sitting on her throne, staring at nothing in particular. It was the rare point of the day in which she had a few minutes to herself. It was usually nice, except now she was thinking about how weird the previous night has been.

"Heda, are you okay?" Titus asked worriedly.

"I'm fine, Titus," she provided.

What else am I supposed to say? That I went to bed alone last night, then woke up inside the Flame, made love to Lexa, fell asleep in her arms, woke up inside the Flame still, and then, after another round of love making and falling asleep in her arms I woke up here alone?

She shook her head, wondering how long she could maintain the lines between reality and what was beyond reality without it turning her actually crazy.

"Are you certain?" she realized right away that he wasn't trying to push, that he was actually concerned.

"Yes, Titus, just a lot on my mind. Thank you," she replied kindly. He was trying, and she knew he was trying.

"Bekka Pramheda?" He really couldn't refer to her by her first name alone.

"Not yet," she sighed just as the doors opened and Octavia walked in.

"Ambassador," Costia greeted with a smile and stood up, "you're back."

"Yes," Octavia offered her own smile, "I rode ahead. We have more people following. Some will be here today with parts of the equipment, a few more deliveries will follow in the next few days," she explained. "Based on the plan Kane, Abby, Raven, Clarke and I put together I think no longer than three days before everything will be here."

"That's great news, Octavia, thank you. Hopefully by then Becca will have some solid answers," Costia crossed her arms behind her back.

"Clarke told me you saw her, she didn't elaborate, though," Octavia noted, trying to sound as casual as possible but Costia noticed some frustration in Octavia's voice. It made her chuckle.

"She did so on my request," Costia explained. "I didn't want to discuss this before I knew I had anything to discuss. Patience, ambassador," she teased. "You have enough work as it is."

"Actually…" Octavia started hesitantly.

"What is it?"

"I had this idea, it might be stupid." Octavia was already regretting saying anything.

"Tell me," Costia ordered, but her tone was soft.

Octavia cleared her throat and looked at Titus who remained stoic. She looked back at Costia, the woman who had so much faith in her. Octavia felt like she handled the lab transfer to Polis well, especially when she asked Costia for more healers to be sent to Arkadia and help Jackson considering Arkadia was about to be fifty percent doctor-less. She felt she served her people and also the greater good of the clans by doing so, but now she was about to make her first suggestion as an ambassador and she didn't realize how self conscious it would make her feel.

"You worry too much, Octavia Blake, you know that?" Costia teased, but she knew it worked when some of the tension left Octavia's shoulders.

"Okay, here goes," Octavia announced. "I know you're trying to deal with the bigger picture, how do we actually survive this. Clarke said something about gene therapy?" Costia nodded, allowing Octavia to continue. "Right, and it's great and it will solve some of our issues, but I think we need to get a list of all the bunkers in the area, maybe even create some more, and stock them in case of emergency. What if people have to make trips that would take more than a day and need to take cover in case of a radiation storm? I know the storms were mountain made but things are about to get worse and we don't know that it won't happen naturally in one form or another," she pointed out. "And the acid rain, too. Being underground will provide the perfect cover and keeping those bunkers constantly restocked will assure readiness in case of a bigger emergency."

"See? That's the kind of idea a girl who was raised under the floor comes up with," Costia smiled and Octavia seemed relieved. "I'll get you a list of known existing bunkers from Becca."

"Thank you, Commander. I think that it'll create new jobs for people of all clans. It'll bond them and keep them busy, hopefully enough to not think too much about the danger we're all in."

"What else, Octavia? I can see there's more," Costia encouraged.

"The acid rain," Octavia blurted.

"What about it? You mentioned it already." It's not like it wasn't on Costia's mind, but she was trying to handle one thing at the time. Becca was already running simulations, Abby and Raven were transferring the lab to Polis, most of her science oriented people were already dealing with other tasks. Acid rain was next on the agenda, she just hadn't gotten to it yet.

"Well I did some research," Octavia provided, wondering if it sounded as silly out loud is it did in her head.

I'm not the research type, she huffed, or maybe I am now?

"Anything interesting?"

"At first I thought it was a matter of immediate physical danger, like the radiation storm. I wanted to suggest creating a special acid rain proof material and produce… umbrellas out of it," she cleared her throat again.

"So you know by now that immediate physical injury is not the issue when it comes to acid rain," Costia smiled softly, "but if it was, umbrellas would have been a brilliant idea, Octavia, so stop doubting yourself."

"I'm working on it, Commander," Octavia rolled her eyes, "but, since we agree the real danger to humans is through inhalation, I suggest we distribute masks."

"Not bad, Octavia," Costia was impressed.

"Soil can be harmed, too," Octavia added, "water supply, vegetation. I think we better build containers and start creating artificial reservoirs, or dig holes for water and layer them with concrete or something so the toxic in the ground won't seep in? Maybe produce these huge sheets that we can hang above inhabited areas, protect our soil," she was now on a roll.

"Octavia, breathe," Costia cut her off with a light laughter.

"I'm sorry, I told you, I'm bad at this," Octavia looked away, irritated.

"Bad at what? At talking?" Costia teased, urging Octavia to look back at her. "These are all wonderful ideas," Costia assured. "I'll tell you what. How about I make you my acid rain committee? Gather a few more people whom you think can help, take… let's say a week, and come back to me with your findings. We'll go from there. I think you are onto something. More than one thing."

"Wait, you are entrusting me with more responsibilities?" Octavia asked in disbelief.

"Yes. Because you've done well," Costia confirmed easily.

Octavia stared at her dumbfounded. She didn't expect praise. She just wanted to have the nerve to voice her first idea ever as the ambassador of her people. She wasn't a shy person, she wasn't easily thrown off, but this was a whole new thing for her.

"Instead of staring at me go and form me a survival plan," Costia used her hand to dismiss Octavia.

Octavia allowed herself a real, cheeky, self-satisfied, smile.

"You won't be sorry, Commander," she stated, now way more sure of herself.

"I don't expect that I would."


Clarke walked into the throne room followed by Abby, Octavia, and another girl Costia hasn't seen before.

Raven, she assumed. She noticed a slight limp.

"Commander," Abby stepped forward, "this is Raven Reyes. We just got back. We can start setting up with what we have as soon as you want."

"Welcome back, Doctor Griffin," Costia stood up. "I'm sure you are exhausted, and Octavia informed me equipment will keep arriving to Polis in the next few days. I suggest you get a good night sleep and start early tomorrow."

Abby seemed relieved. Costia's assumption regarding their energy levels was clearly accurate.

"It's nice to meet you, Raven," Costia climbed down the stairs and offered Raven her hand.

"Rumor has it you were born on the mountain," Raven smiled as she took the offered hand. "So you are more like us than them, then, ah?"

Costia was caught off guard by the comment. "Don't say that," she warned, not aggressively. "There are good people and bad people everywhere," it was what her mother used to say. She carried it as a mantra her entire life. "Think about people like Lincoln, think about Lexa."

Lexa was why Finn died, Raven thought, but she knew that in the grand scheme of things Lexa was an important ally.

"Maybe they died because they tried to be good," Raven looked away sadly. Costia could see Octavia was getting tense.

There's pain there, Costia realized, observing Raven's entire posture. She lost something, someone. Maybe both, she thought about the limp. She looked at Clarke, asking her without words. Clarke nodded in confirmation. They haven't been on the ground that long, what exactly were they put through?

"One could argue that they died because of their association with the sky people," Costia pointed out softly, squeezing Raven's hand to make Raven look at her again. "Perspective, I guess."

Raven swallowed hard and nodded.

"You don't know that you can trust me, and you don't want to be here," Costia observed.

That's why me being from the mountain was, in a way, a relief, something to connect to even with everything the mountain men did.

Raven looked surprised. Costia was spot on.

"How about that, Raven Reyes, my responsibility is to save us all, and you just have to trust me. I'm going to give you some responsibility, and I'll just have to trust you," Costia smirked challengingly and Raven seemed puzzled, then relieved.

"Did I just mess up this whole first impression thing?" she inquired cautiously.

"I'm sure you'll find a way to redeem yourself, such as, you know, help preventing doomsday," Costia shrugged.

"I've already done it once, actually," Raven pointed out matter-of-factly.

The City of Light, Costia knew.

"Well, there, positive impression restored. But if you are really worried, get some sleep. We can try this whole first impression thing again tomorrow."


Lexa smiled when Costia appeared right in front of her, inside the cabin. Lexa was comfortably snuggled in her bed, reading a book.

"We never had a sense of time here but now you show up and I know the day ended in the real world," she stated, gesturing with her hand to the empty part of bed beside her. "Keep doing that, please? Showing up at the end of each day?" she requested genuinely as Costia approached her and gave her a short, tender kiss.

"I will."


Notes:

1. This idea that Costia could alter her physical appearance while inside the Flame resembles Emori in the city of light. Emori was also told she could "correct her defects" (episode 3X14.) Costia could change things if she wanted to but she didn't want to. This is who and what she is now.

2. "If you don't then you die, and you come here, and we'll be together forever." Lexa said it to Costia because she knew this was what Costia needed to hear. Which isn't to say that's what Lexa aspired for. She cared about the world and the people in it, namely, Clarke, but she told Costia what Costia needed to hear, and she meant it, too.

3. Enter Raven! Yay!

4. A few words on acid rain. Based on the research I did, acid rain isn't necessarily what we think it is when we hear the term.

Unlike the Mount-Weather-made acid fog, known as the veil, which we've seen could lead to burns and death, acid rain is actually dangerous when inhaled. You will not be burned if I understood correctly, but you'll inhale it and the toxicity in it which will lead to health complications. It also seeps into the ground, hurting vegetation and water supply.

I wanted Octavia to find out that it's not what she thought it was, just like I did, because I think it's a common thing to hear the term "acid rain" and assume it'll just cause burns if you're exposed to it.

This is also why she suggested digging water reservoirs made of concrete, so the toxicity won't be able to seep in through the ground. This is why she suggested masks, to prevent inhalation. This is why she wanted to produce these huge sheets, like a sort of a roof above important areas.