AN: We have not disappeared though we have been very busy. Helena author in particular would like to apologize for the delays as most of them are due to her crazy work schedule. This story's future isn't uncertain in that we know it will be finished and continued beyond this but, we also have a few private projects in the background which unfortunately sometimes take precedence when we do manage to get to writing. The positive thing is that we've accumulated almost ten chapters, which will be posted a little bit more regularly over the next month or two. We ask for patience and your continued support. Thank you for sticking with us.

Chapter 51

It was hard to feel anything but the soul destroying exhaustion that had settled around her as Helena stared out of the window. She still felt Miranda's fingers in hers, that brief and only touch they shared on the Normandy. The woman had not taken them far, simply escorted them out of the ship and the docking tube, but there had been a whispered promise that she would drop by the apartment later. As much as she dreaded it, Helena hoped that she would uphold her promise.

The sudden need that she had for any sort of comfort was overwhelming.

You can't keep this up. You are not a machine, even though you try to be.

Fussing in her chair, she pulled her knees up and turned to Rinn, who had both hands on the steering wheel like any beginner driver. But, Helena even saw distance in her eyes, her gaze focused but vacant as she picked their road home.

Swallowing, Helena risked breaking the silence.

"What are you thinking?" She whispered, knowing that Rinn would hear her. Her friend glanced at her, her grip tightening on the wheel for a moment before she sat up a little and frowned.

"Dr Robert Murdoch," she pointed out, glaring at the traffic. "I'm wondering where I pulled him out from."

Helena had found herself wondering that many times, with the man's presence being a frequent topic her mind liked to lull over in the early hours of the morning. She turned to Rinn so that she could see her features more clearly.

"What do you think of him?"

The strange thing was; they were bound to meet. A character and creator in the same story, it would have happened. And there had been… something in the moment. Something she missed out on, something she didn't see. Her friend however, had clearly been thinking about it.

"He's very brave," Rinn pointed out. "He knew exactly what I was when he offered to shake my hand." She shook her head, thinking about something Helena didn't grasp. "Foolhardy. Miranda's going to have his hide." She had been aware of that, of her lover's looming presence, first standing beside her then slightly in front. She was struggling to make sense of that too, wondering if it stretched to simple tension between the two professionals or something more.

"But he's mine," Rinn continued. "Creepy as that sounds. I can tell." She cleared her throat. "Solid handshake." Helena remembered that as well, the confidence in his touch without it being overwhelming. And with her, a familiarity in his eyes when he looked at her, as if he had seen that moment coming before she had.

Dreams, Helena told herself and tried to shake the feeling away of being tied to a hospital bed that seemed to follow any encounter she had with Dr Murdoch. "It didn't look as if he missed a beat," she pointed out instead and thought about what the Normandy must have shared with the psychiatrist. "I mean… Obviously he must know who you are, but…" She shrugged and looked out of the window, aware of the alien beauty around them in this world that wasn't truly hers.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked her friend softly. "What does it feel like? To know that you… created him?" What did it feel like to meet your Shepard and have her approval? To have that connection?

Rinn didn't reply as Helena felt her gaze shift to her briefly. She wondered if Rinn knew how to explain it, to put words to something that must have come almost instinctive. Feelings that they had never known before.

"There's a connection," Rinn spoke finally, her tones quiet. "Different from Katelyn, but there. I can tell you everything about him." She struggled a bit, finding the words. "I just… know him." When Helena looked back to her she gave her a brave smile. "He can bullshit as well as you can, so I think you might have had some influence in how I shaped him. He'd have been able to stand up to Miranda. Something he can most definitively do." Her gaze became a bit distant as she focused on the road again. "I think he has one hell of a temper. That might be yours too."

Helena gave her a wry smile, hoping that it conveyed the fondness that she had for Rinn in that moment. "I don't think you needed my help with that," she said and looked back to the window.

"Do you have to go back to work?"

This time there was a pause as her friend coughed awkwardly.

"Ah no," she stated embarrassed. "Though I do expect a very lively video call somewhere in the near future."

Lively phone calls with Rinn involved were always a treat to see.

"How so?" Helena encouraged her.

Rinn rubbed the back of her neck before she fixed both hands on the wheel again. "I uh… might have threatened my young charge into complete, silent obedience." She blushed slightly, but Helena was rather proud of her. "He made me mad and I was already late. I didn't want you to sit there alone."

There was a light somewhere in the darkness of Helena's depression as she smiled. "Might be a thank you for the discipline you instilled in him," she pointed out but her friend was having none of it.

"I doubt it," the hybrid said darkly. "But it worked, we got where we needed to be, safely, without further fuss."

The conversation in the car died down a little as each of them went back to their own thoughts. Helena looked at the world beyond the window until she felt her motion sickness begin to bother her.

"What do you think Robert will do on the Normandy?" She spoke up to keep the conversation going and hopefully distract her. "What will he change?"

Clearly surprised by her question, she thought that Rinn might not answer as she stared ahead of her, her mouth semi open as she contemplated her reply. She glanced at Helena, considered her body language and then dropped her voice a little, as if she was explaining something she might not understand immediately.

"The Normandy is like a body, with what they've gone through, it wouldn't help if you or I go and stuck a Band-Aid on the hull. But, someone on the inside, helping to fight the infection… that might make a change. I guess it was a gamble though; he has his own issues to deal with. But, I think… I would have wanted to just create someone who can make it all a little bit better."

And us? Helena wondered. Can someone fix us? We've just put a Band-Aid over. She sniffed and rubbed her nose. "What kind of issues does he have?"

"Oh well," Rinn said quickly. "He's no friend of Cerberus. And… he has his reasons for not liking them. So, he's always walking that fine line." Her features softened a little. "He must love Dr Chakwas a great deal. I'd imagine that they would be great friends."

Helena thought of the brief moment that she had seen them together. She understood that, the love that one could have for a person, without romance, without expectation. Just the simple realization that without that particular person, you would be less than who you are. The realization that perhaps, that person was the better part of you. She closed her eyes against the memories of ghosts and smiled, trying to appear a little bit more cheerful.

"He does," she pointed out. "I could… see it. When they were together. I think everybody sees it. But," she rubbed her wrists suddenly. "There is a lot of tension between him and Miranda. Probably due to that Cerberus thing."

The situation needs to be contained...

"Car sick?"

Rinn's words came through a world of darkness, reminding her that she still had her eyes closed. Idiot. She took a deep breath and nodded. "A little," she confessed, then added quickly. "It's got nothing to do with your driving. You're doing great." She felt her friend study her features then nod to herself.

"You should really take up driving," she pointed out. "Maybe it will help, like… back home. When you used to drive. You were alright as the driver."

The thought made Helena chuckle and shake her head. "I don't think I have the stomach for it," she pointed out. "Besides, the instructors from Orcus are… I dunno. Maybe if it was Da'an teaching me. He did alright taking you out." Rinn nodded at the mention of her quarian friend and turned her attention back to the road. They were almost back at the apartment.

"I don't think they told him about you," she spoke softly, breeching a topic Helena hadn't really realized that she was thinking about subconsciously until her friend brought it up. "That might have also been why Miranda was acting the way she was. Around you, I mean. She seemed… oddly protective."

Embarrassed, Helena shrugged, bracing herself for the parking maneuver. "I think she's just stressed. They'll probably leave… after this." She tried to think about it logically. "In the next day or two. I mean, they need to get back to the Citadel and travel to Berkenstein from there." Rinn, who had not been there for the geography lesson part of the meeting, looked a little surprised. She was quiet for a moment, then bit her lip.

"How do you feel about that?" she asked softly. "About all of this? Linking them up with Kasumi and sending them off?"

Spontaneous fear came and went. Helena fought it down as she had several times during the meeting. She had been acutely aware of how Katelyn had been looking at her, almost as if she was waiting for her to make a mistake that she could call her out on. Mentioning Alison Gunn so casually had been a mistake.

"Honestly?" She said finally, not wanting to lie to Rinn. "Scared. If this doesn't work out, if something happens – to anybody - Katelyn… won't be happy. Short of telling them how many people they'd encounter, I gave them all that I have. I really did. I played that mission so many times…" She had played the second Mass Effect more times than she could remember and, ironically, she always played it exactly the same way. In those years, it had felt as if she was visiting with old friends which meant that she didn't want to change anything. And she had liked Kasumi.

Rinn's tone was clearly meant to sooth her as she finally got the car down then turned to her.

"I think they noticed, Lena. You were very thorough. And assertive. It showed that you didn't doubt what you had. It… They have to admire that, they'll be well prepared."

Helena tried very hard to keep her mounting panic at bay as she thought of what was going to happen in the next few days. Rinn appeared very relaxed about it, but… They were going to change her story, something Helena had tried in the past and failed abysmally. It took all she had not to flinch when she remembered the standoff she and Katelyn had had in the hospital.

We need every advantage we have, Katelyn had told her as they had their first true argument. If we didn't have the derelict reaper, we wouldn't even have been able to come through to save anyone. Please, Helena. Just tell me what you know.

Helena had still been able to summon anger then, defiance against the tide that was Katelyn Shepard. It burned her later, badly.

Is that what the Illusive Man told you? Is that what he fed you?

It set the tone for all the rest of their interactions. The truth was, Helena thought, they had never really left that room.

"Helena?"

She blinked and looked at her friend, aware of the silence in the now parked car. She cleared her throat and looked away, struggling with herself.

"And in that is the risk as well," she said finally. "Telling them so much. What will change? What will I get wrong? What if everything is different…" She trailed off, forced her eyes shut and took a deep breath, summoning the last of her courage for the day. Trying to tell herself that it will be alright. "I'm just scared, Rinn. I am just… very scared."

Her friend didn't know what to say. She glanced at her and then looked ahead, gripping the steering wheel for a moment before she relaxed.

"I trust you," she whispered. "Never… I trust you. I think you are doing the right thing."

If Helena had a twenty sided dice with her, she would have liked to roll an Insight check on her friend. But, then she realized that Rinn was never very good at lying to her. Rarely even considered if she had to be honest about her friend

Swallowing against the tightening in her throat, Helena gave her a brave smile.

"Thank you," she said simply and called on that courage again. "It means a lot." She reached for the door, ready to get out of the tight space.

"It will be alright."

It has to be.

It was too early to start drinking, but Miranda took a bottle up with her anyway. She had walked Kasumi Goto out after they had completed their meeting with Katelyn. The commander hadn't kept her long as they had simply gone over some of the key things Helena had said and then agreed to look at it all as they travelled to the Citadel. The thief had not been happy with all the supposed clairvoyant had revealed and demanded answers to very awkward questions. But, she had the sense to back away from the subject when she picked up that both Katelyn and Miranda were unwilling to talk Helena's sources of information.

She left with promises to return the following evening, so that they could leave early the next day. Miranda spent some time letting the appropriate departments know and then put the rest of the task of getting everybody onboard again in Kelly's capable hands. All that she really had left to do now was go and ask her leave from Katelyn and then get to Helena. There was an unfamiliar sense of urgency to that task; she really wanted to see if the younger woman was alright.

The door was open for her when she reached the top floor and, walking into the room slowly, she was just in time to see Katelyn put down two glasses – one for scotch and the other for wine on the table and bring out her drink's decanter. She looked up when Miranda entered, her eyebrows raising slightly at the two bottles in the woman's hands.

"With the time we've had," Miranda explained herself by way of greeting. "I thought you might need a refill. I got this…" She presented Katelyn with the bottle she had brought her. "You might like it."

Katelyn's smile was dry as she regarded the bottle, then gave Miranda an amused look. "This was about a month's wages when I just started with the Alliance," she pointed out. "I've never tried it."

Miranda nodded, motioning to her to open it. "Let's call it one of the advantages of doing what we're doing now," she pointed out. "Civilian life and all that. Share it with Chakwas, I know she likes the taste of whiskey too." She watched as Katelyn carefully opened the bottle and measured out some for herself. She motioned to Miranda but the woman declined, choosing instead to pour herself a glass of wine from the bottle Katelyn already had on the table. They sat down together in the same places that they have been occupying ever since they started on this venture.

We've come a long way, Miranda tried to tell herself. We've made progress. She watched as Katelyn raised her glass.

"To a meeting without casualties," she said and inclined her head at Miranda when they made eye contact. Miranda inclined her head to the toast and took a hearty sip of her wine.

"So," she said when she was finished. "We are going through with this." She wasn't quite sure if it was a question or a statement. Katelyn clearly wasn't sure either as she played with her glass, turning the amber liquid around and around before she took another sip. There was a definite light of appreciation in her eyes.

"Well," she said slowly. "I guess we are. Or… I am." Her gaze met Miranda's. "Are you okay with it?"

She almost laughed. "Honestly, Commander?" She asked. "I sat through that meeting and thought: This is probably what madness feels like. We really are desperate. This feels… I don't know – as I've said before. Unreal." We are putting our trust in what? Magic?

She was a little surprised when Katelyn chuckled, though she nodded her head in agreement. "Well, here's how I see it," the commander ventured. "If Kasumi was left in a pile of dossiers, I might have found myself in a similar situation. Like I had helped you with your sister or Mordin with his assistant…" She trailed off and looked a little guilty.

"When last… did you hear from him?"

Miranda was a little surprised that Katelyn had to ask that question. "A few days ago," she commented. "I had some questions that I wanted him to think about. He is doing well, he says that he is nearly finished with physical therapy and, with our leave, wants to join the Normandy again." The XO could understand the surprise in her commander's features.

"Well," Katelyn said slowly. "That's… a good sign. Someone actually wanting to come back." She clearly mused over this for a moment then turned back to their previous conversation. "About Kasumi, we would have walked this path. Perhaps we did in another life. So… Now, we just… complete that circle." She was floundering a bit as well.

Miranda shook her head, not in denial but in pure disbelief at what they were doing. "It surpasses my understanding of time and space," she confessed. "But yes, in the theory and science of the madness we are putting our faith in, yes." Katelyn's dark grin resonated with her a little.

"See?" The commander pointed out. "We can even make madness make sense." She took another sip of her drink, then put the glass down and pulled the bottle closer. "This is really good… Thank you, Miranda. Can I offer you a refill?"

Miranda had worked through her wine in record time. She glanced down at her glass and then shook her head, feeling a little guilty. "No I… might still need to make a few rounds," she pointed out. "Commander, with your permission… I would like to ask for some personal time. I need to finalise a few matters, now that we are leaving Nos Astra. I will ensure that I am back before Kasumi Goto makes her appearance tomorrow." She turned her mind to more official matters. "I am going to send a general notice to the crew – and put EDI on high alert. I hate to say it, but I might simply warn her not to steal from anybody. If she can stop herself."

Katelyn's eyes were still alight from her dark grin. "Naturally," she said. "She isn't a dumb individual; hopefully she'll get the message pretty quickly. And… You can take the night Miranda. I know you need to go." There was nothing but earnest in her eyes. She took another sip, her features slowly darkening again.

"There was one part that I didn't like about our discussions with Helena. Or…" She smiled, but there was a hint of savagery in it. "There is quite a lot that I don't like about it all, but one part stood out. The bit where our oracle said that 'Alison Gunn' will be found out eventually."

The discomfort Miranda had been feeling became a cold stone. "I picked up on it," she said. "I think we should have a second assault team on standby. Hock seems to have the standard mercenary array. Mechs, biotics. Blue suns. We've faced them enough…" She trailed off and smiled. "Garrus and Jack will be enough. And they might need to be run out a bit, so to speak."

There was a lengthy pause in the room as the commander considered this. Finally, she shook her head as she took a big gulp of her drink, finishing it and then grimacing as she put the glass down. "We'll play it Helena's way," she stated. "I'll be the player in her game and we'll see where it ends. Going against what she told us... I don't think that's part of the deal and we don't want to compromise what she has seen or what she knows." Her gaze found Miranda's and it was anything but pleasant. "If the mission is unsuccessful... well... the conversation with her will then be something you'll be dealing with." She reached for Miranda's bottle and poured herself another drink. Miranda considered going the same, but resisted.

"I have faith in her, Katelyn." The words left her mouth before she could stop herself and what surprised Miranda more was that she meant it. Katelyn picked up on it as well and studied her for the longest of times.

"I don't know if I have that faith," she said finally. "But I do know that she believes. I can't deny that."

Her words chilled Miranda a little. And what atrocities have people done in the name of their beliefs? I resurrected the dead because I believed in Shepard...

"That's the madness I'm afraid of," Miranda said finally. "If this doesn't work... Then it is almost easy to dismiss. Then she is simply one mad, traumatised woman." She paused when Katelyn met her gaze. "But if it does work..." She shrugged. "Then I have to ask myself what the long game is going to be." Will that be reason enough to give her to the Illusive Man? She had a feeling that Katelyn followed her train of thought because she looked away and was silent for a few moments.

"Well," she said finally. "It will involve a thief as an ally that has absolutely no ties to Cerberus. With information she might not even know is valuable. So, let's see it through Miranda. If it doesn't work, we'll deal with it. But for now," she put her half full glass down and stood up. "I think you should go and be about your business, XO. I don't want to keep you here longer than need be. I know you have places where you want to go."

A place, Miranda thought as she got up, intending to make use of the dismissal. A person.

It was very hard and strange to admit to herself. But, a part of her hoped that this would all fail.

Because then it would mean that her interest in Helena wouldn't have to be simply professional anymore.

Rinn was sitting in the breakfast nook of their apartment, where she had been sitting for most of the afternoon. She wouldn't say that it had become her guard post, but it did give her a good vantage point of both the kitchen and the living room. One could also argue its proximity to the front door was quite advantageous as well. And, as she noticed these things, she found herself frequenting the spot more.

The notion of having to stand guard within her own bloody apartment would have been absolutely ludicrous but a week before. But then came Kasumi Goto and broke in not once, but twice. The stealth field destabiliser mounted on their wall was an unexpected cost, but it had worked well when the thief got into their apartment a second time. Maybe that too was why Rinn subconsciously found herself sitting in this spot more. She had not heard Kasumi enter. Her senses were inhumanly sharp, but they weren't something she could rely on implicitly. She was still the same buffoon, husk skills or not. There were always going to be people who were better skilled.

A part of her felt that she was doing something healthy by sitting there and it had nothing to do with the sudden guard dog mentality Jachett and Co. was trying to drill into her. Simply put, it meant she wasn't locking herself away in her room. It meant that she was using the full apartment. These had been things she struggled with in the world before when she would have a moderately sized apartment of which she'd used the least amount of space.

She shook her head, trying to concentrate on the datapad on the table rather than the ramblings of her mind. There were books loaded onto it and the ease with which she found herself distracted probably did not say much for the particular novel she was trying to read.

Footfalls in Helena's room alerted Rinn that her friend was about to exit her bedroom. She kept her eyes on the text as the bedroom door opened. She allowed another second or two to pass before she allowed herself to look up to meet her friend's eyes. Rinn smiled at her, then looked back down at the datapad and gave it a good frown.

"What are you reading?" Helena asked as she padded over to the kitchen.

"More like trying to read," Rinn replied, dropping the data pad back on the table. "I'm trying to catch up on our… former… contemporary science fiction and fantasy writers, but… it's just too weird. I made a list of writers – Sanderson, Weeks, Maas – all of whom had fantasy series I was following that they were busy writing when we uh… left. Maybe I should see whether I can get the audiobooks to listen to."

But then I won't be able to hear if something goes wrong.

"And George R.R. Martin?" her friend asked. "I know you were waiting for his last two books."

"Predictably, his last two turned into five – the last of which never saw the light of day. Maybe you can see if you can't find the tv series somewhere?"

"I'll see what I can do." Said Helena loyally, though Rinn knew she had never been a fan of the television series - preferring the books instead. In general, she had noticed that Helena always favoured books and was very reluctant to engage in anything turned into visual media. Her friend had not been surprised when Rinn had informed her that the Dark Tower Movie had come out to mixed reviews.

"Great, I'm sure it didn't take as long in the show for the woman to cross the bloody pond as she did in the books," Rinn said as she watched her friend take two mugs from the cupboard.

Helena shook her head in amusement, but she seemed oddly distracted by something. But then again, given the day Helena had had, it was hardly a surprise that the woman had a million other things on her mind. The smell of fresh coffee distracted them both for a second as her friend opened a new tin and Rinn watched as sure hands filled the pot.

"I have a question," Helena said quietly, breaking the almost solemn moment. Dark eyes turned to study Rinn. "What happened to you and Katelyn?"

Rinn blinked. For a moment the question seemed like a foreign concept, phrasing and all. Had something happened? She couldn't remember anything going wrong or strange. Had she forgotten something?

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I… Dunno," Helena said, turning her attention back to the coffee. "You two hardly looked at each other during the meeting."

"Oh," Rinn paused, considering. "I don't know. Nothing really happened. We haven't actually spoken much to each other since she got to Illium…" She shrugged. "It's not like we're really friends, Lena."

Helena frowned softly as she prepared their drinks. "You were in a way," she countered. "There was a connection. You kept her human."

Rinn felt her brows knit in response. It wasn't as if Katelyn was the husk hybrid, poised to change at a moment's imbalance, but then again she was being affected by the reapers. The technology used to put her back together, the prolonged exposure the reaper and prothean technology, the prothean cipher she gained from Shiala, all of that was affecting and perhaps even influencing Katelyn's thinking.

But she was still human.

"There is a connection. I just…" Rinn hesitated, trying to think of a way to explain it adequately. In her periphery, she could see Helena relax her stance, content to wait Rinn out. Which didn't really help bring the right words to mind, but at least didn't add more pressure. "It's never really been easy for me to reach out to people," she said finally. I never knew my place among them. "It feels harder now. I get… intimidated by everything." I'm still not saying it right. Rinn drew a breath and lumbered on. "Reaching out to her means making contact with the Normandy and…"

And facing whoever answers. Facing the emotions that Rinn had encountered but the briefest fragments of during the last weeks she was on board the ship. Katelyn had done everything to shield Rinn, but the truth was that there was a lot of pain on the Normandy. Pain that Rinn, in her deranged hybrid-husk form, had helped cause.

She didn't have the courage to face it.

To Helena, she shrugged. "It would have been nice if there was a way to instant message Katelyn or something. Like how we've figured out to do with each other on our omnitools." Not that they always had the time to interact, but the ability to chat was still reassuring. "And… she hasn't really reached out herself. It's easy to make contact with someone when they're part of your rounds through the ship."

Maybe it was easy for her to stop by in between talking to Samara and Chakwas. Just one more stop before she grabs something sweet and heads back to her quarters. Maybe out of sight, out of mind applies here as well. Maybe we're just making a big thing out of something that really isn't.

"She also has her own struggles going on," Rinn shrugged. She has her own life and I'm not in it.

Helena's teaspoon clinked against the mug as she stirred the milk/not-milk in what was undoubtedly Rinn's mug – the ginger having taken the decision to take her coffee dark. For a moment the only sound in the room was the swirl of the teaspoon and the metallic clink as she set it down in the sink.

"I think Katelyn's finding it just as hard as you are," Helena said finally. "With everybody. There is even a vibe between her and Miranda. Maybe she's just… beginning not to care. And maybe her crew, because they're struggling with their own demons, are not noticing the distance. Or too scared of her to mention it."

Rinn frowned as she considered this. If there was one thing about Commander Katelyn Sheppard, it was that she was accessible to her crew. She had a routine that she kept to, believing that it was important to know her people, to connect with them. It was what made her a good boots-on-the-ground leader. But what would happen to Katelyn if she couldn't get herself to do that anymore? If she isolated herself?

"You think she's trying to deal with everything on her own?" Rinn asked. "But what about…" she paused considering those who'd be around Katelyn. All of them were wounded and distracted in some way and Helena had pointed out that there might even been a strain between Katelyn and Miranda, so who did that leave? "What about Liara? They seem… close." Very close.

"Liara doesn't know what is happening." Helena shook her head and walked over with Rinn's cup of coffee before returning to her own. "And she's in love with Katelyn. Love blinds."

She glanced at Rinn, noting the woman's uncertainty and shrugged. "She'll only see the wonderful and justify the bad. She's not going to interpret anything Katelyn does out of the ordinary for what it might be." Helena opened a side cupboard and retrieved something Rinn couldn't see. "I think Katelyn is withdrawing. And she is more brutal since she came back from the Citadel."

Where she was put on trial and systematically dismantled. How do you come back from that? How do you look others in the eyes – regardless of the concluding statements? The Alliance all but threw her into Cerberus's arms.

"I'll… reach out to her," Rinn said softly. "And see what she does. I don't know how much I can do though…" She stopped there, knowing that admitting how little she believed she could help was part of her own insecurities and not really worth the mention. She took a sip of her coffee instead, savouring the taste and considered. "I wish things were different between you two. You see more. Know how to deal with these things. I really wish you two could connect."

If only things weren't so… messy.

"Me too," Helena answered quietly, looking at the object in her hand – a bottle Rinn realised. "Rinn, you… can save her. I can feel it. She's… just as scared as you are in a way."

A strange thrill ran through Rinn as she looked up to examine her friend. And what would you know of the fears we do not speak of? The look and unspoken question went amiss as Helena uncapped the bottle of whisky and poured a shot into her own coffee.

"A part of her has to know something is amiss," she continued speculatively. "That may be why she is withdrawing."

"And the fact that she's being painted as Cerberus's version of Frankenstein's monster," Rinn added.

Helena nodded, recapping the bottle and returning it to the cupboard.

"And you withdraw from the Normandy because you feel you are a monster," she said as she returned into view. She paused and asked quietly. "Where would you have been if I wasn't here? If you didn't have… to come home to me? Had me to… need you to hold on to what makes you more than the hybrid?"

For a moment, Rinn thought the questions were directed to her, but the look on Helena's face made her hesitate. The ginger's eyes were on her spiked drink, her finger running over the edge of the rim. Rinn wondered whether Helena even realised that she had spoken out loud... and then her friend took a sharp breath and gave a small smile.

"She needs that," she ended off. "You can't fight for the world if you think nobody in it cares for you."

Connection. Rinn nodded. There were so many things she wished she could say to Helena. Ramble things, most of which would probably have been regurgitation of all she had said before. But… she felt herself unable to. I am grateful to you… and I don't always think I realise how much I should be.

"I'll try," Rinn said after a pause. "Pity she isn't a writer. But… with the Citadel behaving as they are, I suspect here will become a frequent stop."

"You can still write to her," Helena countered. "Everybody else in the galaxy always did."

It just gets read by Kelly first… Maybe passed on to Miranda. Who knows who else on board will have my words on their screens before it get to her?

Rinn suppressed a grimace. Not that any of that matters. You just need to stay true.

"I will," she promised softly.