Chapter Fifty-One

"This is bullshit," Nathan muttered, hefting his duffel bag over his shoulder with one hand and hauling his armour case by his side with the other.

"Yeah," Zaeed replied shortly, voice gruff with agreement.

The two of them dodged their way through the Citadel crowds, trying to keep as low a profile as possible. Nathan was out of uniform, but he knew he still looked like a soldier. Zaeed, however, looked nothing like one in his custom yellow shoulder-plating and rough shirt and pants. He looked precisely like someone who would not be helpful, should he be asked. As a consequence, no one asked, so they managed to keep up a relatively quick pace.

"Did Shepard tell you anything about this mission?" Nathan asked.

"Just that it was a small, off-book thing. My kind of party."

"Not really mine…" Nathan trailed off, frowning.

Zaeed snorted. "No argument here, kid."

Nathan shook his head. It made no sense. Shepard had commed him directly, mere hours before the Normandy was due to leave for the Collector base, and told him to meet her at her apartment. She hadn't given him any more details when he asked, nor had she given him any explanation as to why she was effectively pulling him – and herself – off the mission to the Collector Base. She had simply told him to bring his armour and pick up Zaeed at the hatch. Zaeed, of all people. He wasn't a part of what Nathan had come to think of as Shepard's inner circle. Why him? And why just him? Miranda was obviously in the loop – she hadn't batted an eye when he and Zaeed disembarked – but she hadn't made a move to come along. There was definitely something off about the whole thing.

"Yeah," Zaeed was saying as they entered Shepard's apartment complex and stepped into an elevator. "If this is some black ops thing I don't know why she asked you along. You're way too much of a boy scout."

Nathan scowled at him. "Boy scout? Just because I don't kill people for money doesn't make me—"

The mercenary snorted as the lift pinged and the doors slid open. "You're almost as bad as the dinosaur in blue." Nathan blinked. Dinosaur? Did he mean Garrus? Zaeed provided no explanation, just nodded impatiently at the open doors. "Don't just stand there, let's go."

Nathan rolled his eyes as they walked down the tight hallway. The surrounding apartments were filled with noise, packed to their limits and beyond with refugees, some spilling out into the hall. The two of them stepped past with care. Zaeed did have a point, he admitted to himself. If Shepard had to get something… unsavoury done, Nathan wasn't sure why she had asked him to come along. He wasn't exactly the mercenary type, and he probably wouldn't like it.

Finally they reached her apartment. Nathan pressed the door chime while Zaeed leaned nonchalantly beside it. Nathan had never been to her apartment before, nor did he realise she kept one on the Citadel. If he hadn't been so worried, he would have been more curious.

When Shepard answered the door, he couldn't help but stare. Her face was pale, eyes shadowed and rimmed with red, hair as close as it had ever come to disarray. Her uniform was rumpled, as though she had fallen asleep while wearing it.

"Shepard…" he began, worry spiking, but she gave him a quick, sharp look. He reluctantly subsided. For now.

"Here's your armour, Shepard," Zaeed said without preamble, handing the extra armour case he had been carrying over to her. "Bloody heavy."

"Thank you, Zaeed," she replied, and led them inside, carrying the case lightly in one hand as though it weighed no more than a datapad. It was a subtle reminder of the cybernetically enhanced muscles hidden beneath her fragile human skin. Nathan grimaced. And who had put them there. Shepard set the case down in a corner and nodded her head at the single, utilitarian couch. "Sit, both of you."

Nathan did so, propping an ankle up on one knee and watching her cautiously as she sat gingerly on the sill before the half-shuttered window. The lights of the Citadel night glinted through from behind. The stress was palpable in her voice, like a taut wire stretched almost to breaking point.

"What's going on, Shepard?" Zaeed asked, leaning back and stretching his legs out before him.

"There's something I need to do while the rest of the team goes after the Collector base," she told them. He could hear the reluctance in her voice, and the frustration. Whatever this was, she clearly didn't want to do it. "I need some backup to get it done."

Nathan frowned, glancing at Zaeed. "Right… why us?" he asked. "Why justthe three of us? What do you need to do?"

Shepard's eyes softened as she looked at him, but only slightly. She knew what he was really asking – why him. "The two of you are the only ones I can trust to help me finish this particular mission." She visibly braced herself before continuing. "We're going back to Tuchanka. We're going to prevent the genophage cure from being released."

Zaeed whistled, and Nathan felt his mouth drop open slightly in surprise. "What? Prevent the cure from being released?" he repeated incredulously, leaning forward. "Why?"

Shepard sighed. "Because if we do that, we get salarian support against the Reapers."

He closed his mouth and stared at her grimly. Fuck. It was one of those decisions – one of those big decisions he had once marvelled at her being required to make. There was no way this was Shepard's idea. She had told him about Wrex's last request of her, of how he had asked her to watch over his people now that he would no longer be able to. She would never willingly destroy the future of the krogan, not after that request and not after everything she and Wrex had been through together. She had to be under orders, or…

He felt his eyes narrow. Or someone was blackmailing her. Stop the genophage cure, gain the salarian navy. And the only people in the position to offer the salarian navy as a reward were the salarians themselves.

The audacity of it blew him away. He understood the salarian view on curing the genophage, but to force Shepard to intervene for them when she was desperate to gain their ships for the fight against the Reapers was a whole new level of low. She would never think of doing something like this herself, but if it would gain her another army for the galactic fight against the Reapers, she would feel she had to do it. She would do it. Shit. Even if it meant…

"Mordin's not going to sit back and let you do that, Shepard," Zaeed warned, clearly thinking along the same lines as Nathan had been. "Stubborn little bastard that he is."

Shepard's eyes dropped to the floor, but her voice remained steady. "I know," she replied. "I'm going to have to try and convince him to hold off on deploying the cure. If necessary… we'll need to subdue him."

Nathan didn't like the sound of that at all. "Subdue him?" he repeated. "Subdue him how? Shepard… he's your friend."

Her reply was almost too quiet to hear. "I know."

Suddenly, Nathan thought he understood why he was there. Shepard had just lost one of her closest friends in Kasumi, and now she was being forced to consider fighting… even killing, another friend, for the good of the rest of the galaxy. She needed the unwavering support he had always promised her so she could force herself to carry through with it.

He took a deep breath. He loved her, and he had promised to always have her back. He had meant it. But to be honest… in this he wasn't sure if he could.


Shepard bit her lip as she watched the Normandy pull smoothly, almost majestically, away from the Citadel docking column. It slid away, gliding through space, running lights twinkling in farewell. Her breath caught for a moment as the idea of never seeing her again crossed her mind. What if something happened while she wasn't there? That ship had been her life, her home for so long…

Mentally she shook herself as Nathan eased up on the throttle of their tiny shuttle, slotting in behind the Normandy in the queue for the mass relay. No good could come of thoughts like that. As she watched, Joker swung the Normandy around on its approach pattern, a quick burst of thrusters sending it swooping in on the relay. The ship sparked with energy before briefly accelerating to a speed impossible for it to reproduce on its own, then disappeared in a shimmering column of light. It would emerge at the relay closest to the Collector base, and there meet up with Aria's mercenaries and the ships Admiral Hackett had assigned to the mission.

Miranda would command the ground mission, while Admiral Scott had the space forces. Scott had very recently been promoted to Admiral due to the heavy losses the Alliance had suffered in the Reapers' initial invasion, but Hackett seemed very confident in the man. Shepard trusted Hackett, and she trusted Miranda. They would be fine, she told herself. They didn't need her.

If she kept repeating that, she was sure it would sink in eventually.

The two-day trip to Tuchanka passed slowly, far too slowly for Shepard's liking. It wasn't that she wanted to get this mission over with, or brush it off like it was nothing, but as she sat aboard the shuttle and waited, the Normandy would be arriving at the Collector base. The team would be launching their attack. Without her. Her doubts about what she was about to do instead of leading her team were like looming shadows over her head. She was dreading landing on Tuchanka, but maybe there was a small chance Mordin would agree to wait on releasing the cure, and this would all be over before it started.

There was no point shying away from it, it had to be done, and done quickly. Every day wasted on side trips like this was a day away from the fight against the Reapers. Why couldn't the Dalatrass have just seen reason and committed salarian troops without this power-tripping blackmail bullshit?

Nathan's console chimed, and Shepard took a deep, shuddering breath in an attempt to calm herself. They had finally arrived in orbit, and there was no time to waste stewing over something that couldn't be changed. She reached over to Nathan's board, ignoring the thinly veiled concerned looks she had been getting from him ever since they left the Citadel, and keyed the shuttle's comm over to the frequency they had been given on their last trip to Tuchanka. "Pharos Valley, this is Commander Shepard requesting clearance to land," she announced.

She sat tensely, waiting for a response, worried they had somehow gotten wind of what she had come here to do and would try and shoot them down, but the reply came after a few moments. "Cleared, Commander Shepard. Expect approach plans shortly."

The controller's voice sounded completely normal, free of any stress or hesitation. Plans began appearing on Nathan's HUD, and his hands moved deftly over the haptic interface as he laid them in. "They don't know why we're here," he muttered. She nodded silently.

His tone reeked of unease, and she knew that was her fault. She had chosen him to accompany her on this mission for purely selfish reasons, even though she knew he would find it difficult. And to make matters worse, she hadn't been able to talk to him properly during the trip. He had tried to get her to open up, tried humour, cajoling, but she just hadn't been able to do it. Part of her wanted to, but another, more insidious part thought that it might be better for him in the long run if she started to back off. Now she knew what the Illusive Man had done to her, perhaps the more distance there was between the two of them, the better.

After all, she had always known she would die in battle one day. That prediction had first been fulfilled at Alchera. After waking up on that Cerberus table and finding that she had another chance at life, she had thought the feeling would go away. Instead, however, it had returned just a few short hours later. Now, months after the day her life had begun again, the feeling that it would end soon was palpable. She could almost see it coming, just ahead, over the horizon.

She was going to die, again, and there would be no coming back this time.

When she came back she had found out just how difficult her death had been on her friends, just how much pain she had put them through. Kaidan in particular had been devastated, because he had been in love with her. Glancing over at the man she loved, who loved her back, she knew she didn't want him to have to go through that. If that meant pushing him away so that he stopped loving her, hurting him now to save him far more pain in the future, maybe that would be for the best.

There were extra lines creasing his brow now, adding years to the open, carefree expression she remembered from those first few months together in the brig on Earth, those first few days on the Normandy. She wished with all her heart that they could go back to that, but she would settle for not hurting him more than she absolutely had to.

So she kept quiet, keeping her own dark thoughts to herself.


Nathan kept focussed on piloting the shuttle, rather than on Shepard's obvious agitation, with some effort. He glanced up as Zaeed moved up behind them in the cockpit. "They'll figure it out soon enough," the mercenary noted in reply to his earlier comment.

Shepard stood up abruptly and slipped neatly out of the cockpit. "Suit up," she ordered over her shoulder as she left.

Nathan watched her leave out of the corner of his eye. She had fallen into a very dark place. She had barely spoken to him – or Zaeed, for that matter – on the journey to Tuchanka, and it scared him. He had never seen her so withdrawn, so frightened and brittle. This mission was obviously getting to her – of course it was – but he was starting to think that it was more than that. Had something happened that she hadn't told him about? He liked to think she felt comfortable confiding in him now, but she was still his commanding officer and could very well be keeping something operational from him. He suppressed a shiver and tried to stop his imagination from trying to work out what that could be.

He put them down on a landing pad a good distance away from the Valley, one which had no doubt been constructed specifically to conceal the location of the entrance from visitors. They disembarked wearing full armour. Nathan didn't much like that. They weren't trying for a display of strength this time, they were here to talk privately, with a friend. But he did as Shepard ordered.

They were met by a krogan guide, who eyed their armour but didn't comment. She too was in full armour, but Nathan decided that was probably due to the Reaper presence on the planet. As of now they were too far away to be a concern, but that could change rapidly. It made sense to be ready. No doubt she assumed they were in full armour for the same reason.

"Commander Shepard," the guide greeted them. "I'm surprised to see you back here."

Inwardly Nathan winced. Did the remaining krogan blame Shepard for their devastating losses at Palaven? If he was honest, he wouldn't be surprised. Everyone else seemed to.

Her expression was stony as she replied. "I need to speak with Mordin Solus."

The guide nodded curtly. "The shaman of Clan Gadorn has given you leave to enter the Valley. Come."

She led them down into one of the underground highways Wrex had shown them the last time they were on Tuchanka, and into a tomkah similar to the one they had used to get to the Pharos Valley then. The trip was very similar, viewscreens showing dark stone walls rushing by marked with the occasional light source as the tomkah bounced smoothly over the rocky surface.

Nathan vividly remembered sitting in the tomkah with Wrex. Wrex had played his cards close to his chest about what he was taking them to see, and Shepard had almost been fidgeting with anticipation. His pride in the work he had done was palpable, and even Nathan, knowing very little about Wrex or the krogan at the time, had been excited.

He felt a ghost of that now, and it left him wistful over what might have been, had Wrex survived. If Wrex had survived, he had no doubt they wouldn't be here right now, on this mission.

He glanced at Shepard. She had to be feeling it worse than he was. "Shepard…" he began.

She shook her head, avoiding his eyes. "I'm fine," she told him quietly, taking a breath and sitting up straight. Reluctantly, he withdrew, casting a glance at Zaeed as he grunted to himself. That had been a bald-faced lie – and clearly Zaeed had picked up on it too – but he wouldn't fix anything by pressing the issue.

When they arrived at the Valley itself, it was eerily, almost deathly quiet. The few able-bodied krogan that had remained on Tuchanka for the Palaven attack were probably out watching for Reapers, Nathan guessed. He wondered what their plan was. Would they stay and defend their home, or would they evacuate, knowing nowhere would be safe? As they followed their guide through the empty Valley he spotted a few krogan now and then, but they were all either elderly or very young, and quickly ducked out of sight. If they stayed, surely they had no hope of defending against a Reaper attack with the resources they had available… but perhaps they would anyway. He was sure Wrex would have.

They were escorted to what looked to be the point where the Valley naturally faded back into the desert of Tuchanka. Walls gradually tapered down to nothing, covered with creeping vines. Tall, lush trees grew smaller and sparser, and between the paths a mossy verdant ground covering reached grasping into the desert sand. Beyond the greenery squatted a few vehicles, smaller than the tomkah, but equally sturdy. Between Shepard's little group and the vehicles, the Gadorn shaman waited, hands clasped patiently over voluminous robes.

"Commander Shepard." The greeting seemed perfectly diplomatic and utterly calm. Nathan tried to silence the guilt he felt in response to that. "I had not expected to see you back here so quickly. I'm afraid there is nothing more we can offer to aid in the fight against the Reapers."

Nathan saw the muscles in Shepard's throat work, but she kept a calm façade. "I need to speak with Mordin Solus," she explained.

The shaman eyed them speculatively for a moment. "You're wearing a lot of armour for a conversation."

"Mordin said he might need some help with something," Zaeed spoke up casually, startling Nathan. He had been quiet since they left the shuttle. "Normally when someone asks the Commander for help, we end up shooting things."

It was a smooth, natural lie. The shaman smiled faintly. "I see. He must be referring to the genophage cure." Her eyes fell on Zaeed for a moment, then returned to Shepard. "He must have been eager to get started, because he has already left. He is likely halfway to the Shroud Tower by now."

"Shroud Tower?" Nathan repeated.

"Yes. It was originally used as a dispersal point for the genophage virus. Mordin considers it to be an effective – and poignant – way to disperse the cure. Take one of the vehicles, and head due north. You will find it easily."

Shepard nodded in thanks and headed for the small tomkah variants. The shaman watched her go, but made no attempt to stop her. Nathan got the feeling she understood more than she was letting on. But if that was the case, why let them go?

Shepard drove the little tomkah at breakneck speeds, navigating the rocky highways of Tuchanka with her usual efficiency. Sooner than he had expected, Nathan spotted a tall spire reaching high up into the dark, sickly yellow sky from within what looked like ruins of the once-great krogan civilisation. It had to be the Shroud.

Another small tomkah was parked outside, near one of the smaller obelisks that dotted the ruins. Mordin was pulling supplies out of its cargo compartment. When he spotted them, he stopped, shading his eyes and squinting in their direction. The sun was beginning to lower toward the horizon behind them; when the three of them disembarked, the sun was at their backs as they walked toward Mordin. Nathan had a feeling Shepard had arranged that on purpose.

Finally, however, he recognised them. His expressive mouth widened into a grin. "Shepard! Good to see you! Unexpected. But good. About to deploy genophage cure. Could use your help."

Shepard shook her head as she strode forward. "No, Mordin. You can't release the cure. Not now."

Mordin's smile faded, replaced by genuine confusion. "Don't… understand." He looked around, scanning the horizon. "No Reapers. Safe to proceed."

"This isn't about the Reapers," she told him. "I can't let you disperse that cure."

Mordin cocked his head, clearly surprised. "'Let me'? Not your decision, Shepard," he replied. "Too many dead krogan! Tortured, killed… my fault. Need to end this. Need to fix my mistake!" He stopped, and stared at her intently. "Hm. You want genophage cure. Told me before. Stopping me… not your idea. But whose? Why? Ah." His eyes widened. "Salarian leadership. Councillor—no. Too weak. Dalatrass Linron. Ruthless. Rose to power after suspicious death of predecessor. Promised you ships."

Shepard nodded reluctantly, taking the fact that the salarian scientist had figured everything out without her having to explain it in stride. "We lost the entire turian fleet at Palaven, Mordin," she explained quietly. "We need the salarians."

Mordin's eyes narrowed. "Genocide of krogan people will not fix that mistake."

Nathan winced as Shepard went very still. He knew Mordin had been referring to the battle as a whole as a mistake, rather than a personal mistake on Shepard's part, but in her current state of mind he doubted she would take it that way. Despite all the assurances she had received, despite being told over and over again that Palaven wasn't her fault, he knew that deep down she still believed it was.

He made to speak up, but Shepard raised a hand in warning. "I know," she agreed. "It won't fix anything. All it will do is meet the absurd demands of one power-hungry salarian. I really… really don't want to be here, asking you to do this. But I need those ships. The galaxy is depending on me." Her shoulders hunched ever so slightly as she said that, as though she was trying to bear the weight of those words.

Mordin drew himself up. "Yes," he agreed reluctantly. "But krogan depending on me. Must find another way."

She was still for a brief moment, but then, in a single smooth second, Shepard had her pistol out and pointed squarely at Mordin's forehead. "We don't have time," she said.

Nathan's eyes widened. He knew Shepard had come here intending to fight if necessary, but now that it came down to that, he couldn't accept it. No, this couldn't happen. He couldn't let it happen. He couldn't just stand by and go along with this.

Before he could think too hard about what he was doing, Nathan stepped over in front of Shepard, putting himself directly in her line of fire.


A/N: Thank you danbear, my 200th favourite! Thank you very much to everyone who has been reading and following this story, it's been so long since I first started it. I had no idea when I first started writing that I'd still be going 51 chapters later. It has managed to turn into a bit of a monster! It won't be finishing up any time soon, although we are getting very close to the end. I have at least another ten chapters planned out. So thank you once again, and I hope to reward you all very soon with an ending!