TMW chapter 51 part 7

I would say it was last minute notice and definitely later than I should have said something.

I had mentioned moving to New York to Sam when I was under the impression that it was merely a thought and not something more concrete, to which Sam's response was a simple shrug of his shoulders but nothing more. This was before I actually visited. I figured he didn't care or think it would come to anything. At the time, he would have been closer to right than wrong, but after New York (even a little before) I knew that I was going to move, but I didn't think to bring it up with Sam again. It just didn't cross my mind again until 2 months from graduation.

I had been doing everything I needed to make my transition to another state as smooth as possible. And everything was working out. Except for a few things. The first thing was that I hadn't told Sam. The second was that I couldn't exactly afford the specific apartment I wanted to get. The third was that I didn't have a roommate, which I was certainly going to need. I thought by telling Sam I would alleviate all three. What I hadn't anticipated was Sam's reaction to any of this. Since our un-heart to heart he'd been wound tight, but I didn't think he was bow-string tight enough to flip out on me.

I had invited Sam over to my place for dinner. It wasn't anything special just some Italian takeout from a nice restaurant. He'd showed up and for the first time in a long time his eyes were smiling at me. I wasn't trying to make a big deal about the move or anything, but we hadn't had dinner like this in a long time and I thought breaking the news over dinner would be the best way to do it (history repeating itself).

I set the table and plated the food and Sam joined me with the wine. For about an hour we caught up with each other and our most mundane day to day. Sam had been doing more modeling work here in Ohio than he thought was even possible. He also mentioned not knowing if he was going back to school for the summer but he might pick up some more classes in the fall. I did more listening than usual all because he was being forthcoming and was willing to share.

We had finished dessert when Sam turned his attention to me.

"What about you? I know all about graduation, but what's next?" Perfect segue, right? I thought so.

"That's part of why I wanted you to come over tonight." Sam raised an eyebrow. "I'm moving to New York" I beamed.

He frowned. "You're kidding, right?"

I hadn't quite caught on to his disbelieving irritation growing with each second.

"No. I plan to move right after graduation. I don't have an apartment locked down yet but I was –"

"How long have you known?"

I surely caught on then. He wanted to say more. His lips twitched with the words that would inevitably clarify the quiet rain storm unfurling in his eyes.

I waited him out, but he didn't continue, waiting on me to respond to the accusation formed as a question.

"Since right before going to visit Kurt." The guilt of my action was falling on me heavy and I couldn't meet his eyes as I responded.

"And you didn't think you needed to tell me this?" Sam shook his head rising from the table. He hid his face behind his hands then offered me his back. Once properly clear of any sight of me his hands landed on his hips severely.

"I don't know; it kind of slipped my mind. I don't know I just-I…" I didn't know why I hadn't talked to him about it. Maybe I feared the reality that I was possibly going to be leaving him behind. That I was going to lose Sam like I'd essentially lost everyone else. I didn't know if I was ready for that and by not telling Sam that I was leaving I was prolonging the moment I lost one of my best friends.

Sam leaned his hip on the counter now facing me. He stared at me long and quiet until I looked up to meet his scrutiny. He rubbed his face then leaned more heavily on the counter with his legs extended, feet crossed at the ankles, and arms crossed over his chest.

"You know if you had said something – I don't know – at least after we got back, I would have told you that I was thinking about moving back to New York. That I was looking for a school I could go to and trying to make some photography connections. You should have said something. I mean, when you first came to me, I knew you weren't serious. It was just something you were thinking about because of Kurt.

"But after that, Mercedes, we could have talked this out. I wasn't planning on going without you knowing. I would never do something like that, but once I made up my mind, you were going to be the first person I told."

His voice leaked with emotion too complex to simplify with words.

I couldn't bring myself to make up an excuse or try to demean his hurt with a dismissal, as easy as that would have been.

I kept silent.

"Does Kurt know?"

"Yes." I didn't take my eyes away from his.

Sam walked to the table where I was still sitting to glare down at me. "Which means everyone even your ex-boyfriend stationed all the way in Korea knows, but I'm only just now finding out 2 months from your graduation. I'm the last person you decided to inform." He fell into the seat adjacent to mine boneless. "Mercedes?"

I didn't know how to try to explain this to Sam. It would be too convoluted and sound way too co-dependent of me for the relationship that we had. I could say that it was classic avoidance on my part because the thought of leaving Sam struck too close to home and reminded me too much of a love that wasn't enough to cross oceans. I could make him understand the subconscious motivation behind keeping my silence. I didn't do that. I couldn't share that much with Sam at that moment. I wanted to salvage what I was breaking before it was too late and not with pity.

"I'm sorry, Sammy."

He rolled his eyes. "That's all you got. 'I'm sorry' no why?"

"I don't have a why that would even matter or even fix what I've done. I know sorry isn't much but it's pretty much all there is to give. I do wish there was more. I really do, Sam."

A breath of air blew from his chest and he nodded his lowered head.

I was forgiven. Absolution felt so hollow.

It hung between us like rotted fruit on a tree. The air was thick with the scent of misunderstanding, but I knew it couldn't last. We couldn't end it like this. I was about to say something anything that I thought would work when Sam looked up from staring at the table.

"Am I an orange?"

I didn't know what he was talking about and he knew it.

"I mean, are they apples, your real friends. Am I just an orange?" he questioned without his eyes ever leaving mine.

I didn't have to question his meaning. I knew.

"No Sam."

"It seems like it. Since I came back we've been close. You are my best friend and I thought at least I was one of your best friends after all this time. But right now, it doesn't feel like it."

"You are, Sam. I don't know how-" I had talked to Sam about me and Puck but I'd never let him in on how messed up I was over him leaving me. I think he had an idea. I just hadn't ever told him. I wasn't about to tell him now, either. "You are one of my best friends. It's essentially you and Kurt."

"And Puck."

"I don't know what Puck and I are."

"You're still friends and no matter what happened eventually you two will get your crap together and it'll be like it was before you two broke up. Kurt, Puck and Mercedes."

"And Sam," I reasoned. "You are not an orange. I mean, maybe in a way, because you're present and you're here and you won't just up and leave me. But you have to know that you mean just as much to me as Kurt or even Puck."

Sam smiled and I grabbed his hand from across the table and squeezed it.

"So, New York, huh?"

"Yeah. It's where Kurt is, and I applied to a couple of schools there when I found out he was going. I got in, but…Puck. Now, it just feels like the right move to make. Problem is there is no way in any universe that I could afford the kind of apartment I want and attend residency without help from my parents."

"New York is expensive."

"Right, but I've been taking care of myself since undergrad, and my intention is to continue that trend," I hesitated before proceeding. "I mean, I can't lie; my assumption was that once I told you, which I know should have been before now but we still have plenty of time to figure everything out, was that you would be my roommate?" I questioned shyly.

Sam rolled his eyes. "No. I won't. I can't live with you."

There was a vehemence in his tone that I wasn't used to, but that didn't deter me. I pressed him harder. Begged and pleaded, bargained whatever I thought would work. I should have known better considering we'd only minutes prior to my inquiry had something like our first argument since high school. Not to mention the consistent tension that thrummed through Sam on a regular. I shouldn't have pushed so hard.

"I'm not going to be your bank. I'm not moving in with you to foot the bill. Is this why you told me today? Huh?" Sam jumped from the table and ranted on without giving me a chance to reply. "You're so independent. Do it by yourself or better yet, why don't you ask Kurt?"

His words hurt, but I had forgiven him as soon as they were out of his mouth. It wasn't him so much as it was whatever he was really dealing with speaking. He was about to say more when I cut him off. I may have forgiven him but I. Am. Not. The. One.

"I'm not exactly sure where the attitude stems from, Sammy. I don't care. But you will not treat me like you don't know me and lower your voice. We ain't outside and I am not hard of hearing. I know that you know that it's not only about the money." I sucked my teeth.

"Bank," I rolled my eyes crossing my arms. "If that was all I wanted. I would suck up my pride and hit up my parents."

I calmed at his remorseful expression.

"It's not really about the money, Sam, but it will help. I don't know anybody out there except the ones who have roommates already. I don't want to be…lonely."

I was laying it on thickly, but I was being honest for once.

"Sorry, Mercedes. It's just that I have been stressed out lately, what with thinking about leaving you. Which if I had known wasn't going to happen then I wouldn't have been so worried about leaving you." He said giving me a pointed look.

"You're right. I should have told you sooner. And now was not the time to ask that you not make me go to New York alone and have to live all by my lonesome and maybe cry some nights because I am taking handouts from my parents and I miss my Sam so much and wished that he was there."

"Really, Mercedes?" Sam smirked.

"What, now isn't the time?"

"Nor is it the time for a guilt trip either."

"I beg to differ."

"Well, you can beg until you lose all your breath and pass out and the answer will still be no."

Sam didn't give in right away. After a few more denials and trying to come up with anything other than him living with me, then he gave in.

A month before graduation I was accepted into a residency program, had my apartment secured and Sam and I were to move to New York two weeks after graduation. I had a paying job my mentor had set me up with a city over. She was sad to see me go but wanted to help me as much as she could since she would be mentoring me from another state.

Everything was planned and in order for my move to New York with Sam. What blindsided me was the massive surprise party Kurt and Sam had planned for the day after graduation.

Everyone had flown out for my graduation, Finn and Rachel, all of my family, even my grandparents on my mom's side (the joy of seeing my granny in the audience as I walked across the stage will forever be etched in my mind).

I had anticipated the same low key get-together as my last graduation, which, that still happened, but leave it to Kurt and Sam to make a fuss over me and get me the best gift I didn't know I needed.