Chapter 52: Restless
Cullen couldn't sleep.
They had been back in Skyhold less than a day, less than a day since the Winter Palace, a thousand things had demanded his attention upon his return, yet none of these were the reason he could not find his rest.
All the reports, orders and troop movements he had perused since his return were important, true, but they were not the reason that he could not sleep. They were mere distractions in a world that had finally changed beyond all reason and doubt, he…they…
He groaned and rolled over, despite the coldness of the Skyhold night, he could not find his rest. His mind was too busy, too busy thinking of things…
…Too busy thinking…of her.
The Commander licked his dry lips, remembering so clearly what had happened less than a few hours ago, the sweet smell of her skin, her lips warm, soft, and oh so inviting.
Ana, the Lady Ana, she trembled softly in his arms, yielding, soft, wanting…
Damn it, he thought angrily, why could he not just turn it off!?
Why could he not find his rest!
He sighed heavily, neither his mind nor his body seemed interested in cooperating tonight. He was hot, but it had nothing to do with the temperature of the room, his body was aroused, eager, seeking that which he knew that he should not have, should not even be thinking about…
He almost whimpered.
He found himself thinking of the lyrium draught down the ladder in his office, if he could not have one thing that he wanted…perhaps another could…
No, he thought with a growl, he had made a choice.
He would not use what he was feeling as an excuse to surrender to that.
He rolled back over laying on his back, staring up at the hard ceiling.
"Ana," he murmured.
Her mere name sounded like a prayer in the darkness, the sweetest of dreams.
Andraste save him.
What was he going to do?
IOI
She had come to him shortly after their return to Skyhold; he had been in his office trying to get some work done. He had still been expecting the latest report from sister Leliana when the Inquisitor had entered. She was dressed simply again, plain white blouse, heavy green skirt and leather vest, typical for her when she was just attending to duties within the keep.
"Am I disturbing you?" she had asked.
"No," he replied, he put down his quill and met her gaze, she seemed…well…she seemed a bit more distracted than normal, nervously tugging on her vest, almost ringing her hands.
He almost frowned.
Since their…dance in the Winter Palace he had been afraid of something like this. He was afraid that she was going to back away from him, that she was going to let him know that it had all been a mistake, a misstep brought about by too much excitement and near death experience.
He had expected it, but that did not mean that he wanted it.
Since the Winter Palace, he…his feelings for the Inquisitor had changed drastically. It was wrong, he thought, shameful really. He was almost ten years her senior, and to…to be thinking…well…things that he had not thought about in a decade were…inappropriate, certainly not the type of thoughts he should be having about his commanding officer.
After that business with the duchess, he…he feared that he had taken advantage of her. She had saved his life after all; perhaps what he was feeling was simply excitement and extreme gratitude for her bravery. It happened, he knew, men and women together in life or death situations often felt…drawn to each other in the quiet aftermath, it wasn't real and often ended in hurt feelings or tragedy.
He had no desire to hurt her; he had done enough of that already. She…she had literally seen him at his worst, back before the winter palace in his tent, she had seen him lost in lyrium withdrawal, after that, he would be a fool to think she would want anything to do with him, personally anyway.
"Is there something I can do for you inquisitor?"
She stifled a nervous giggle, and immediately frowned. She paced once or twice and finally stood at attention before him.
"Can we go somewhere, to speak…alone?"
His heart skipped a beat.
"Ah…alone," he found himself stammer, "I…um…of…of course. I…I was about to inspect the battlements, will that suffice?"
Ana nodded, he might have been wrong, but it almost looked like she was blushing.
Why she was, he could not say, or could not hope to say.
He rose from his chair and followed her; the two of them left through right door of his quarters and ascended the battlements. Still…the Inquisitor seemed nervous, which only seemed to heighten his own senses, his own excitement.
Stop it, he thought.
You are acting like a fool!
He rubbed his neck nervously. It was a tell. He had been trying to get rid of since he was a child. They walked in silence, until they were alone, beyond the earshot of any guards. She turned to him then, her blue eyes sparkling like sapphires. They stood there saying nothing, lost in an uncomfortable silence.
Well, say something, his conscience chided.
"It...Um…it is a lovely day."
"What?" she laughed nervously.
He almost swore under his breath.
This was ridiculous; he was acting like a fool!
He might have stormed back into his office, but she stopped him with a gentle touch on his arm.
She gave him a wry smile.
"I…um…I wasn't laughing at you," she informed him, "I'm…uh…I wanted to speak about what happened, at the Winter Palace, our….um…dance."
Here it comes, he thought glumly, she was going to say that she needed him where he was, that they could not afford any emotional entanglements, it would hurt, make no mistake, but it would be the wisest of decisions.
It had been a moment of blind excitement, nothing more, he needed to accept that.
"I'm…I'm sorry," he murmured.
"Sorry," she frowned, "Sorry for what?"
"I overstepped my place in the Winter Palace," he said, "I should have asked you to…"
Her eyes narrowed.
"Stop right there, Commander," she said flatly.
"But?"
"No," she repeated, "I have something to say, and I will get it off my chest. Commander…Cullen…what…what happened in the Winter Palace was not wrong. I…I wanted it, and if I'm not mistaken…so did you."
He looked away, not in shame, but fear, fear that she was going to reject them, fear that he had been lying to himself.
It…it had been so long, he had not thought about these feelings in such a long time. Since before Lona had died, in Kirkwall, he had denied them, choosing to focus on his anger and distrust, using it as a shield, it had worked, for a time, but slowly even that had worn away.
Enchanter Bethany's kindness had helped; she had helped him deal with his pain. Otherwise, he likely would have ended up as lost as Meredith had. Fear and anger had taken everything from her, her reason, her compassion, and finally her sanity.
He…he had not wanted to end up like that! Lady Hawke had helped him, saved him.
He swallowed hard.
Now he would see exactly what she had helped save.
Ana shook her head, her eyes lowering in fear.
"After Haven," she confessed, "I…I can't deny that I have been…thinking about you. More than I probably should to be honest."
She gave him that wry smile again.
"If this is wrong, if you want me to go, let me know right now," she demanded, "I'll let it all go and deal with, but please…please tell me."
She almost whimpered the last few words.
Cullen took a shuddering breath, his heart was pounding now.
Yet, it felt like a dam had been broken; he found words and feelings rushing out of control. He could not have stopped it, even if he had wanted to.
He stepped closer to her, she did not back away, they stood as close as they had in the winter palace, he could almost feel the heat of her from here.
"You are the Inquisitor," he reminded her, "But you…you are also…well…you. I…I know this is something that I should not want…it…it is impossible, but I…I…Ana…I…"
He found himself leaning in, she looked like she was about to cry, but not with sadness or pain. She leaned in closer, just as he leaned in their noses touched, their…
"Commander?"
The both jerked away.
He turned with a feral growl, angry at the interruption.
"WHAT?!" he demanded.
The young Inquisition scout winced under his hard gaze.
"I have the report from Sister Leliana," he said, "You said you needed it immediately and…"
The young man paused. Cullen was glaring at him, the Inquisitor refused to look his way, blushing bright red.
The scout bowed his head realizing that he had interrupted something.
"I…um," he said refusing to meet his Commander's gaze, "In your office, I will leave it on your desk."
"Wise of you," Cullen said coldly.
The boy retreated quickly.
The Commander sighed.
He…she…they had almost.
Part of him wanted to retreat, to go back behind the wall of duty and honor that had shielded his heart since Kinloch Hold, since he had seen his Lona dissolve right in front of him.
Ana…the Inquisitor shifted nervously.
"I…I should go," she murmured, "Your clearly busy and…"
The flood gates over his heart burst.
He could not take it anymore!
He took her by the arm and pulled her to him, tight to him.
His mouth crashed over hers.
"MMMPHF?" Ana gasped she struggled for a moment, briefly, surprised by his…action.
"Mmmmm."
Surprise quickly melted, she ceased struggling, her arms wrapped around his neck, her lips parted and they kissed, deeply.
Cullen ran his fingers down her body, enjoying her shiver, enjoying the curves of her lovely frame.
His trousers suddenly felt a little tighter, but he refused to let go, enjoying her lips, enjoying…well…her…
When the kiss finally broke, they were both breathless. Fear and doubt faded as they looked into each other's eyes.
He chuckled nervously.
"That, that was…was wonderful," he murmured.
Ana's hand drifted up and stroked his cheek, she was smiling broadly now.
"It was," she cooed.
"Ana," he murmured, "I…"
"Don't be sorry," she purred, "Don't stop."
She kissed him again; again he crushed her to him, enjoying the feel of her.
Don't stop?
He did not intend to, but alas…
He finally did.
IOI
Cullen rolled over in his bed again with a heavy groan.
He…he was not ashamed of what he had done, what…what the two of them had started…together, but…he recognized the need for discretion.
It would be better for both of them that way.
He was still concerned that this still might be just post battle excitement, the two of them needed to be careful, therefore, they both agreed to take it slow.
It was annoying yes, but it was also the wisest course of action.
Skyhold was a large fortress, but it was also a small community, people would talk certainly. He had no desire to dishonor the Inquisitor, and would not give the rumor mill more grist.
It was also wiser he recognized that the two of them get to know each other better first. Passion was all well and good, but it burned hot and quickly, and could sometimes even burn out.
The two of them, Ana and he, he wanted her to get to know him, just as he wanted to get to know her. They agreed to spend time together outside of official business, share meals, talk, and get to know the person beyond the simple title. They were from two very different worlds, he had seen that in Orlais, but that did not mean that their desires were doomed to fail.
So they would be patient, no matter how annoying it was, how much it hurt resisting basic…desire.
He rolled over again, trying to put the thought of her out of his mind, he tried to will his thoughts to shut off and let him rest.
Patience, he thought, they needed to be patient.
Abandoning reason for passion was…enjoyable, but the waiting would make the release much more…enjoyable, and far more satisfying.
He could wait. She could wait, but it was…annoying.
He sighed heavily.
He could wait.
IOI
Ana could not sleep.
They had been back in Skyhold less than a day, less than a day since the Winter Palace, a thousand things had demanded her attention upon her return, yet none of these were the reason she could not find her rest.
She stared up at the ceiling of her apartment, her mind refusing to turn off, her thoughts too busy to allow herself to slip into the realm of dreams.
Cullen.
She remembered his strong arms around her, the feel of his lips pressed against hers. She had expected his kisses to be rough truth be told, a warrior claiming what was his, but they were not. His kisses had been soft, warm, and inviting, like he had been treasuring her lips, worshipping await their next kiss.
She sighed heavily, trying not to think of him, not to think of the need he had awakened inside her, the wanting…
She sighed heavily.
He was right, it was better that they go slow, but…
She frowned.
That did not make it any less frustrating.
She rose from her bed and began to pace. She was trying to think of anything besides the warmth of her body, the growing heat between her…
Well, she would not think about that right now.
She would try to lose herself in work if she could.
She put on her robe and sat down at her desk, several reports awaited her perusal, Josephine had arranged several noble meeting for her in the coming days, and there was still the matter of the chantry mothers who had arrived shortly before they had returned.
Ana pursed her lips, slightly.
The chantry's most recent request was not something she could make light of.
"The clerics were, not surprisingly, having trouble electing a new Divine. Now that the Orlesian political situation had stabilized, the chantry realized that they needed to choose a new leader quickly, if they hoped to remain relevant in the changing world.
The Mothers had come to Skyhold to fetch both Cassandra and Sister Leliana back to Val Royeaux…
Apparently, they were both now considered candidates in the race to choose a new Divine.
The Inquisitor was not surprised, both Leliana and Cassandra had been two of Justinia's closest allies and advisors, their positions as hands made them both highly placed in the chantry hierarchy, higher still with so many grand clerics lost at the Conclave.
Ana smiled slightly.
Divine Cassandra or Divine Leliana, they would likely choose new names of course, but the fact that they were even candidates was good news for the Inquisition. It suggested that the chantry was almost willing to recognize the Inquisition as a force for good in Thedas; of course, it might also be a trap too. The mothers might be seeking to weaken the Inquisition by stripping it of two of her closest advisors. Cassandra was more than just her mentor, she was her friend, and Leliana was the Inquisition's eyes and ears, neither could be replaced easily.
The Inquisitor frowned.
The final choice was theirs of course, she would speak with both women about it tomorrow, but first she needed to attend to other matters.
She turned to the latest report from the scouts watching the roads to Skyhold. More pilgrims and dignitaries arrived weekly. Josephine was good at sifting through who Ana needed to talk to, and who she could handle herself, but more importantly she…
Ana froze.
She read the latest report again, just to make sure there was no mistake. Nope, no such luck, not that she was surprised, Josephine rarely made mistakes. She…she…
Oh Maker!
Her Mother was coming.
She was on her way to Skyhold, right now!
She would be here in less than a day!
She…she…
Oh Maker.
