Chapter 51
Carlisle took a seat on the end of the bed and pulled Esme gently by the hand. She sat down next to him and the two of them stared directly across at a mirror that gave each of them a far too familiar taste of their own expressions. He glanced over at her and put his hand over hers, thinking how he was unable to cure himself of what were starting to become demons in his mind. He couldn't let things go following their unfortunate experience and the distance it created between him and his wife had greatly taken it's toll on him.
Esme waited for Carlisle to speak and seemed to be hoping he would be the one to begin whatever conversation would take place between them. He stared down to where his hand linked with hers and ran his thumb over her wedding ring, and the ring he'd given her when they renewed their vows. It was also almost impossible to ignore the necklace she wore; the one he'd given her for Christmas. Although he felt it since he'd met her, at that moment he could truly see that she was stronger than him. She was holding it together and trying to move on in the right direction. He felt that by trying to protect her, he was inhibiting that from taking place.
"Carlisle," she said, before he could gather his thoughts properly.
He looked up into her eyes and was taken back to when he first laid eyes on her. There was a life force in Esme that he was so drawn to. Her spirit uplifted him in a way that was indescribable. It was that moment that she took him by surprise. Another part of her captivated him with equal value and that was her ability to completely let her guard down in front of him; to let him see her at her most vulnerable, breakable stage.
Tears formed in Esme's eyes and she put a hand on his face, "Carlisle," she said again, "You wanted to talk about this the whole time we hiked back from Montana, and then again when we got home."
Carlisle instinctively brought Esme closer to him and hugged her against his body, "We talked-"
"No," she said again, "I wasn't being fair to you. I was too involved with trying to block out the potential sadness and I thought I was being strong by not breaking down, but I was just pushing my feelings down so they wouldn't get the best of me."
"You have every right to do things on your own pace," he told her, "Even ahead of me. You weren't ready to talk at that moment. There's nothing wrong with that."
"If it were the other way around, you would have let me talk," she continued, trying to suppress her tears with little success, "I didn't let you talk when you needed to. That's not fair."
Carlisle sighed and kissed her forehead, "Esme, you have nothing to apologize for. Nothing at all."
"Yes I do," she said, puling back from him slightly to wipe her eyes.
He shook his head and tucked his hand beneath her chin, letting his thumb dance on the side of her face, "I know you by now." He gave a smile that almost made Esme smile back, but her emotions got the best of her and she felt a sudden wave of guilt again for not letting him talk when he initially wanted to. "I know what you're thinking without you having to say anything. I knew it wasn't the right time for us to talk. It's not just about me. It's about both of us. It'll always be that way."
Esme composed herself and thought for a moment, thinking how right he was. It was about them; not him and her. She took a deep breath and looked at him, feeling a comfort in the way his hand continued to touch her face. "Tell me how you feel, Carlisle. I want you to be honest. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, or being too honest or anything." She thought back to Alice's words that she very much agreed with. "Tell me how you feel."
He never broke eye contact, "I feel... responsible."
"For what?"
"For everything," he said gently. His hand slipped away from her face and he replaced it on the bridge of his nose then traced underneath his eyes with his thumb and pointer finger.
"Why do you feel that way?" Esme placed her hand just above his knee. She wanted him to look back toward her.
Carlisle sighed and placed his hand over hers. "I've always tried to do the right thing," he explained, "I managed centuries of never killing a human." He paused and shook his head, "We've been given this... gift... and we know the circumstances that go along with it. My... lapse... of..." Carlisle clenched his jaw slightly and continued to let his head go back and forth.
Esme ran a hand through his hair and nearly forced him to look at her, " Carlisle, you can't do this to yourself."
"None of this would have happened if it wasn't for my lack of self control," he told her, "If you'd never gotten pregnant in the first place, you wouldn't have had to go through what you're going through now. You wouldn't have to feel that pain again of losing a child."
"What did you just say to me?" Esme asked him, "You keep saying 'you, you, you... This is about us. You said that."
"But you didn't do anything wrong."
"Neither did you," she told him, "You need to see it that way."
"Before, we didn't know what we were dealing with. Now we do. We know every aspect, every element-"
"Carlisle, you think like a rational, smart man because that's exactly what you are," Esme said, then added, "I'm sorry for cutting you off. I'm sorry, go ahead."
Carlisle couldn't help but smirk, and Esme did the same. She then let out a light laugh that only last less than a second. "I know, I said I would let you talk and I'm cutting you off mid sentence." She shook her head and backed away from him an inch or two.
He smiled and brought her back so her leg was up against his, "Go ahead."
"No." She shook her head, "Finish what you were saying."
"I'd rather hear what you were going to say," Carlisle told her, "Maybe it'll make more sense than my own inner voices. They haven't gotten me anywhere in the last couple weeks."
Esme sighed and knew he was honestly waiting for her to continue. "You're the smart man I've ever met with the best intentions. You think rationally, but you also use your heart, and that's a very difficult thing to do, especially at the same time." He didn't look fully convinced and so Esme relived a more personal moment, "The first time I ran with you, I felt like I was flying. I'm talking about the 1920's," a small laugh left her mouth and her eyes beamed with true happiness thinking.
Carlisle smiled and Esme laughed. Her hand clutched around his.
"Even though I could run fast and break a tree in half and hunt a deer down with my bare hands, I was afraid for awhile to jump off a tall cliff."
Carlisle lowered his eyes, knowing it was because of the heartbreaking way Esme had left her human life behind.
"But despite that," she went on, "I did it. I did it because I trust you; then and now I trust you. There is no one that I've ever known who I feel more comfortable with. You always do what's right and there's nothing else I can say except that... I trust you. And you need to give yourself a break. This is not the same thing as resisting human blood."
He laughed, "I suppose not."
Esme laughed lightly again and smiled at him.
"Do you have any underlying feelings that you haven't let out?" Carlisle asked her.
She sighed and let a half smile stay on her face before she turned slightly more serious, "I became a little emotional at the mall when I passed a baby store," she admitted, "And a few times since then, but really... I'm thankful for all that we have. I'm so glad that you ended up being alright after that ordeal a few weeks ago. I've pictured you sleeping on the couch in Kayla and Jeremy's house and I've cried to myself a few times."
"When I was working?" he asked.
Esme smiled and snickered, "Yes."
Carlisle gave a half smile, "You don't have to do that, you know."
She nodded, "I know. If it's not serious I try to spare you." She gave a little laugh again and Carlisle pulled her to him and kissed her forehead.
"I love you," he told her.
"I love you too."
He tilted her face toward his and gently took her lips with his, kissing her softly. Esme held him close when they broke apart and rested her chin on his shoulder as she rubbed his back.
They sat together for a moment until they both pulled back at the same time to face each other.
"Anything else?" Carlisle asked, "You can say whatever you want or need to."
Esme shook her head, thinking a little about the wish that she'd talked about with Alice. She didn't know where she stood and decided that it would be best suited to bring up in another discussion of it's own. "There's one more thing," she said.
He looked again, into her eyes, and waited slightly anxiously.
"You have to trust yourself... with me."
"I do," Carlisle told her.
"In all ways," she went on.
He knew what she getting at and smiled, "I know. It's just all of this is still fairly new; all these feelings about the baby and everything..."
Esme nodded in agreement.
"I didn't want to rush back into being together so intimately when neither of us had a strong hold on our emotions after what happened." Carlisle looked at her, "Does that make sense?"
She nodded again, "It makes perfect sense."
He sighed, "I'm sorry."
Esme kissed him again, "You have nothing to be sorry for. I think this should be it for apologies to each other. We both need to take a deep breath and move forward. I feel better after this talk than our last one when we just got back."
"Me too," he told her.
"Really?" she asked him seriously.
Carlisle nodded, "Really." He stood up from the bed slowly and pulled her to her feet. They shared another hug before he kissed her once more then headed toward the door.
"Where are you going?" Esme asked him, wearing a confused expression.
"To get the bag that Edward left for us from the car."
She smiled and snickered, "You want to stay?"
Carlisle nodded again and smiled, "Of course I want to stay." He stared at her for a moment before opening the door, "I'll be back in a minute."
"Okay." Esme nodded back and sighed as he closed the door. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and immediately used a tissue to take off some of the eye makeup that had begun to run during her brief cry. For some reason she felt extremely nervous up until Carlisle returned to the room.
He placed the bag down under the mirror and pulled Esme into his arms. She couldn't help herself. She kissed him urgently and felt a wave of emotion rush through her as she did. She wanted Carlisle more than anything but thought about what he'd said earlier about how emotional the two of them had been over the course of several weeks. Their heavy conversation added to that and she could sense her husband was secretly deliberating about what to do.
Esme pulled back after their long kiss and pushed his hair back, "Come lay with me for a little while."
He smiled and kissed her, "Of course."
She linked her fingers with his and kicked off her shoes, then slid under the covers. He sighed and quickly accompanied her, pulling her up against his chest. They each shared the same thought. 'There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be.'
