A/N: I know last chapter wasn't that good and I am so sorry. I had the hardest time writing with a therapist in the chapter. I personally use Jose as my therapist and so far he's done pretty good. I hope this chapter will make up for the last chapter.
Alex sat on her couch and stared at Olivia, who had been frozen in her spot, staring out the window to Central Park, since they have arrived at her apartment. Once they had left the therapist office, she had been eerily quiet and unresponsive to anything Alex said or did. Alex was shocked when Olivia exited the cab and followed her into her apartment; she was starting to think with how she was behaving that she would have gone home and not stayed with her.
"I think about them all the time," Olivia said, breaking the silence in the room and causing Alex to jump slightly, "I often wonder what they would look like. Would they have your eyes or maybe your hair? Who would they take after more you or me? What would it be like to drag in from work at five just to have a bouncing boy or girl jumping on the bed waking me up a few hours later?"
Alex nodded her head even though Olivia couldn't see her.
"I still remember it as if it was yesterday," Olivia said as she shoved her hands into her pockets, "It was a Thursday, February twentieth to be exact, when you walked into the precinct and told me the treatments took. We had just finished a case that had me working eighteen hours or more a day when you walked in. I thought you were coming just to spend a few minutes with me and then you leaned down and whispered in my ear."
"Congratulations, Momma," Alex whispered, remembering the words she had told Olivia the day she had discovered that the treatments took and their dreams were coming true.
"Yeah," Olivia said, turning to face Alex with unshed tears in her eyes, "I remember looking at you with a confused look on my face until it dawned on me what you said."
"Then you flew out of the seat and held me so tight that I had to remind you that I was pregnant and not to squeeze so tightly," Alex said as she stood and walked over to Olivia, "I'm not really sure who was happier about the pregnancy, you or me."
"I think it was a tie," Olivia said as she wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her to her, "Then I was injured and two days later you miscarried. It was my fault because I had put so much stress on you from being injured that you miscarried."
"No, Olivia, it wasn't your fault," Alex answered as she wiped the tears that were falling from Olivia's eyes, "I had a medical condition that prevented me from carrying to term."
"We know that now, but we didn't then. When he explained some things that could cause a miscarriage, he listed stress as one of the factors. I sat there with stitches in my side, knowing the stress I caused you when you got the call. I knew at that moment I was to be blamed and the look in your eyes told me that you blamed me too."
"No, honey! Even if your stabbing caused me to miscarry, I would have never blamed you for it. You got stabbed doing your job, doing what you loved, what you were born to do. I would have never blamed you for that."
"Well, I blamed myself," Olivia said, pulling away from Alex and turning back toward the window, "I knew after that it would be only a matter of time before you sent me packing and I didn't blame you. You couldn't even trust me to keep your stress level down when you were carrying our child; how the hell could you trust me with anything else, I just killed our child."
Alex reached out and gently began to rub Olivia's shoulders and arms squeezing them every so often to encourage her to continue.
"Then you came to me about six months later and asked me to come home early enough so we could talk. I knew in my heart that was going to be the pack it up and leave speech. I had tried to make it home before you so I could go ahead and pack a bag, but when I walked through the door there you stood."
"Liv," Alex whispered as she hugged Olivia tight against her laying her head on her back.
"Any hopes of making the quick get-a-way I had planned went out the window. The only thing I could do was sit on the couch and prepare for the worse," Olivia said, turning again to face Alex, "Then you surprised me with telling me that you wanted to try again."
Alex smiled at Olivia before pulling her to her and kissing her.
"It amazed me you wanted to try again," Olivia whispered against Alex's lips when she pulled away needing air, "There was no way in hell I was going to tell you 'no,' if you were willing to try again after I caused you to lose our baby."
"Olivia, you never caused me to lose our child," Alex said as she held Olivia's head in her hands so she could look directly into Olivia's eyes, "You cannot continue to blame yourself for that, okay? It was all me, well actually, my genetics. It was never you or anything you did."
"Alex…"
"Shh, listen to me, okay?" Alex said with a smile on her face, "You had absolutely nothing to do with me losing our first child or any of our other children, for that matter. Believe me when I say, for that period I was pregnant, I was a lot of things, but stressed was certainly not one of them, even with your stabbing. Olivia, you already had me spoiled and took such great care of me."
"It wasn't enough."
"Listen to me, it was enough, it was more than enough. I didn't think it could get any better than what it was and then I told you I was pregnant and you took being spoiled on a whole new level. No matter how bad of a day you had, you always came home and took care of me. You would wait on me hand and foot when you came home; you constantly massaged my feet, my back, hell, my whole body. The nights you couldn't make it home, you would have dinner delivered to me so I wouldn't be on my feet fixing something to eat after working all day."
"I wanted you to have the easiest pregnancy anyone could ever have. "
"Honey, up until I lost the baby, you made sure each pregnancy was an easy pregnancy. There is no way I could have asked for a better partner while pregnant, I promise you that."
Olivia nodded as she felt a wave of relief wash over her.
"Come on," Alex said as she took Olivia by the hand and lead her to the couch, "It's been a rough day. Let's order some dinner and try to relax."
Olivia agreed as she smiled at Alex before taking a seat on the couch. She leaned back and closed her eyes as she felt some relief of finally releasing the guilt and the pain that she had kept bottled up. She knew there was more, way more to cover, and not exactly something she wanted to discuss, but something she had to discuss if she ever wanted a future with Alex again.
