A/N: Merry Christmas Eve!


"Why?"

"Why didn't you help us?"

"Why did you live?"

"Why?"

"Why?"

"Why?"

I don't know. Stop asking me. I don't know.

"WHY?"

"I'm sorry," I whimper. "I didn't know."

Faces come at me. Girl's faces. I don't know if I know any of them, but they chase me.

"No…leave me alone!"

"You should have done something!"

What could I have done? "I didn't know."

"You are responsible…you could have helped."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." I can feel the tears start down my cheeks. "I didn't know."

"A lame excuse from someone who doesn't deserve to live."

"I'm sorry," I whisper again. I just want them to leave me alone. They won't go away. Their voices taunt me, accuse me, condemn me.

"I didn't know. Please stop this," I beg.

"NO! You deserve this! You stood by and did nothing to help us. And now no one will help you."

The voices laugh as the faces swirl around me. I crouch down and cover my face, willing them to go away.

"Please…I'm sorry…I'm sorry!" The tears are coming faster now. I can't change what happened and now I'll have to live with it.

"I'm sorry."

"Kiri—"

"I didn't know."

"Kiri, wake up."

"I'm sorry."

"Kiri, come on, snap out of it!"

"Please…stop…I'm sorry. Don't…don't hurt me," I beg.

The girls chase me through the abyss. One of them grabs me and I fall hard. They jump on me, hitting, biting and clawing at me. One of them sits on my chest and shakes me roughly.

I scream as I wake up suddenly. My ribs are burning.

"Kiri, calm down! Everything is okay."

Wait a second. Where am I? I'm…that's right, I'm still in the hospital. I try to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, but it hurts. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around myself tightly. It helps a little, but it still hurts to breathe. Tears of pain and anguish trickle hotly down my cheeks. The voices from my nightmare were right. I should have helped them. I don't deserve to be alive right now.

"Kiri, it's okay. You're safe. Nobody will hurt you."

I open my eyes as someone brushes my hair from my face.

"There, there…it's okay." Quatre carefully lifts me into a hug and I cling to him. I can't stop myself from trembling.

This is real, I tell myself, not the dream. The dream isn't real. I'm safe…they're not after me.

"Better?" Quatre asks as I calm down. I nod against his shirt. He holds me and I don't move. This is real…I'm safe…everything is okay.

But being okay doesn't quell my guilt. I should have done something…

"You couldn't have done anything to change what happened," Quatre murmurs in my ear. "I want you to stop blaming yourself. You don't deserve to carry that burden."

"I…I don't deserve to…be alive right now," I whisper.

"Why would you think that?" Quatre's voice is still soft and he sounds curious, he doesn't sound upset with me.

"I don't know."

"Then maybe it isn't true."

Maybe…

Quatre holds me in silence until I stop trembling. He carefully sets me back against the pillows and helps me adjust the bed so that my ribs don't hurt as much.

"Would you like to try and sleep again? I can get something from Sally to help you if you like."

I shake my head. I don't want to tempt any more nightmares right now.

"Hm…well, it's a bit early for the cafeteria to be open. Would you like to watch a movie until we can order breakfast?"

I'm not exactly hungry right now, but a movie might be a welcome distraction, so I nod.

Quatre hands me the television remote and I flip through the channels.

"Is there anything you'd like to watch, Quatre?" I ask as I go through a third time. Nothing looks good to me.

"Go back to channel 8."

I do so and there's an old movie on. I don't think I've ever seen it before, but I think Quatre has. He settles into the chair and I relax and watch.

This movie is so weird. It's got these big blue…creatures that interact with humans pretending to be part of their tribe. I don't get it.

"What is this?" I ask.

"It's called 'Avatar.' It's from before colonization. It won a bunch of awards so I thought it might be better than this. We can find something else if you'd like."

"No…might as well finish this. Maybe the award winning bits are at the end."

No such luck. By the end of the movie we're making comments to make fun of it. It's better that way. I have to be careful not to laugh too much because it hurts.

After that movie is over there's another one. We continue our game and make fun of it, just because it's fun to do.

We're still giggling during the credits when there's a knock on the door. Quatre answers it and Wufei comes in.

"Heero needs to see you, Quatre."

"Okay." He looks at me. "The cafeteria should be open now, so if you're hungry, tell Wufei."

I nod and Quatre leaves.

Wufei gives me a funny look. "Are you okay?"

I nod.

Wufei raises an eyebrow. "Are you hungry?"

I shake my head. No. I'm not feeling hungry. In fact, without the distraction of the movies, the guilt is creeping its way back in.

Wufei frowns. "What were you watching?"

"Some old movie. I think Quatre said it was called 'Alien Vs. Predator.'"

For some reason, Wufei looks relieved. "I didn't think you'd like that kind of movie."

"Well, we made it better by making fun of it."

"Ah…I see. I suppose that would make a number of those older movies more enjoyable."

A new movie starts and Wufei and I watch in silence. Apparently he's not the type to make comments during movies. Unfortunately, this movie isn't enough to keep my mind from wandering and I start to think about those girls again. I should have helped them.

"What was that?"

"Oh…um…nothing." I really need to remember that I can talk now and not get into the habit of saying every little thought that pops into my head.

Wufei shrugs and turns his attention back to the movie.

I try to focus on the movie, I really do…but my guilt nags at the back of my mind until I can't ignore it anymore. I sigh.

"Kiri? What's bothering you?"

"N-nothing."

Wufei turns off the television. "No you don't. What's bothering you?"

Well, might as well tell him. I don't think he'll let me off the hook if I refuse. "It's just…I've been thinking…about those girls…the ones he took and…and I…" I sigh. "I don't understand why I wasn't killed, too."

Wufei doesn't say anything. He just stares at me and blinks owlishly. "Um…well…I guess…I guess that kind of depends on your opinion of fate."

"Huh?"

"Do you believe in fate or destiny, Kiri?"

"I don't know…not really."

"Hm…so you don't think that things happen for a reason?"

"I…I guess that might be true, for some things."

"Kiri, someone once told me that there are no accidents. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't ever understand what the reason is."

"Do you believe that, Wufei?" I don't know why, but part of me really wants to believe that what he says is true. I guess I just want for there to be a reason that I was allowed to escape when others weren't.

Wufei nods. "Yes. I do. There have been events in my life that I really didn't understand at the time…and there are some that I still don't understand. But everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason."

"Like what?" While part of me wants to believe him, part of me wants to find a reason not to.

He clears his throat. "Well…for example…I, uh…well I'm from L5."

I frown. "I thought L5 was destroyed during the war."

"It was. I was off colony when…when the elders decided to self-destruct rather than let Oz gain control." Wufei takes a deep breath. "I…I didn't understand why it happened when it did, but…but now I can see that if I had been home, I would have died as well and my family line would have been wiped out. It may not seem like much of a reason, but I think part of the reason I was allowed to live was for my family line to survive."

Wow. "But…surely you weren't the only person from L5 off colony that day." Part of me wants to believe that Wufei isn't the last person from L5.

He looks down. "No…but when I tried to reconnect with them, they said they didn't want to be associated with L5 anymore and didn't want anything to do with me. I have to say that it hurt a lot, but…but now I think that maybe it's for the best. If I was to reform my clan it would be expected for me to marry one of them and settle down as head of the clan."

He chuckles at my expression. "Ah, yes…I was next in line. It's not something that I throw out very much, but having that particular ranking has its uses."

"Well, couldn't you use your rank to make your clan come back and you could, I don't know, start over or something?"

He nods. "I could. But it wouldn't do me any good. For one thing, if I did that, my clan would see me as a dictator. No good could come from that. For another, I wouldn't get to be a Preventer anymore. I rather enjoy this job."

"Well, why couldn't you be clan leader and a Preventer?"

"It doesn't work that way. The clan leader is responsible for every member of the clan. If someone needs a job, the clan leader finds one. If someone needs a place to live, the clan leader finds one. Any disputes are settled by the clan leader. All marriages are arranged only with the blessing of the clan leader, so I would have to know everything about everyone to make sure that I was approving matches that would be compatible. The clan leader doesn't get any time for himself because every little thing requires his approval. I would hate it. Had L5 not been destroyed, I would never have realized that and I would have spent my life hating everything and not understanding why. While I didn't understand this years ago when L5 was destroyed, it is something that I understand now. Perhaps there is a deeper reason that will make itself known in the coming years. I won't know until it happens. And I'm certain that in the future, the purpose behind your being spared will be revealed to you."

Well that gives me something to think about. Can I find a reason for why I wasn't killed? "I guess…I guess if I had died, then…he would have had to replace me and then someone else would have been treated the way I was."

Wufei gives me a gentle smile. "Yes, you being alive saved another girl's life. You'll never know who it was, but the point is that she is alive and unharmed because you survived."

For some reason I feel a lot better now and the relief makes me cry a bit. Wufei stiffly hugs me and I embrace him back.

"Thank you, Wufei," I manage once I calm down a bit.

"You're quite welcome." He lets me go and clears his throat. "Based on this conversation and judging by the current time I'd bet you didn't sleep very well."

I shake my head.

"Would you like to try and sleep some more or would you rather that I order you breakfast?"

I am feeling tired now. The guilt I felt over not helping those girls has been lessened by the thought that I did save at least one other girl's life and I feel like I could sleep.

"I think I should try and sleep."

He nods.

"You can turn on the television again if you want. It won't bother me." I carefully snuggle under the blankets and shut my eyes. I listen to whatever show it is that Wufei finds but I don't last very long before I fall into a deep and peaceful slumber.