DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
EPOV
Watching Bella go was one of the hardest things I've had to do. The way she just walked out without looking back. I knew it wasn't because she wanted to get out of this place and away from me as quickly as possible, but it was because if she had looked back she wouldn't have been able to leave. How did I know this? Because I would have done exactly the same and if Bella felt for me half as much as I felt for her, she would have been fighting the same urge.
After she left I just stood there, not caring that everyone was looking at me. I heard Dr. Martin shooing them all back into the recreation room to give me some peace and quiet and she quietly approached me.
"Edward?" She said quietly. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," I choked out. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I just need some time......alone." I looked at her and she smiled at me sympathetically. I turned around and walked slowly up to my room.
Walking in there and closing the door it seemed colder than it used to. Empty. Like there was something huge missing. Of course there was. Bella was missing. She wouldn't be coming back, save on the weekends when she could get up here without worrying about school. But only seeing her two days a week when I had come to love her being around all the time, that was going to be hard to get used to.
I lay down on my bed and rolled over, pressing my face into the pillow that Bella had used. I breathed in her scent that lingered there and sighed. It was the closest thing that I would have to the real thing until the weekend. I looked over at the pictures on my bedside table. There was another one on there that I hadn't noticed when I'd left the room. I lifted my head up and picked up the picture. Rolling onto my back I studied it carefully.
It was from the day that my family had come up and we'd gone out into the grounds. It was of Bella and I. We were sitting on the grass smiling and laughing, her hair blowing about in the wind. I remembered that it was when we had been watching Rose and Alice attacking Emmett. I smiled at the memory. Carlisle must have taken the picture without us realising, as our smiles were natural, not posed and we weren't facing the camera. I had my arm around Bella's waist and she was leaning on my shoulder laughing as we stared into the distance. Bella must have put it here before we left the room without my noticing.
Looking at the picture I couldn't help the single tear that ran down my cheek.
I placed the picture back in its place on my bedside table and got up picking up my bedclothes. Changing in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror. Even I could see the changes that had taken place across my body. I wasn't as thin as I had been. I didn't really know how to feel about that. I thought about what Bella thought. She thought that it was good that I was gaining weight, and that made me think that it was a good thing. But another part of me couldn't help feeling guilty and scared. I was losing the control that I had maintained over the years and that thought scared me. It wasn't so much the gaining, but the feeling weak at the thought of surrendering my control to people around me, as I had been doing for the last few weeks. But I'd had Bella to encourage me to do that. Could I continue to do that without her here?
Walking out into my bedroom, I looked at the picture again. Looking at it, I noticed how we were both happy. I saw a look on my own face that I thought I would never be able to see again. It was a look that I had only been able to see in pictures from before my parents died. I was happy. In that moment, I realised that I could do it with her here then I would work at being able to do it without her here. I couldn't let her down. Not now. Not after she'd sacrificed such a long period of her life to stay here with me. She'd given up her own life to help me with mine. Nothing other than my getting better could repay that debt.
I flopped back down on my bed and sighed, pulling my duvet up to my chin, thankful that people were leaving me alone. I wanted to sleep and I didn't want tomorrow to come. I knew that I would have to eat downstairs with everyone else from tomorrow onwards. I had only just gotten used to the idea of having to eat again, let alone having to eat in front of everyone else as well. I knew that Claire, Diana and Michael would be there for support. Who knew you could make such great friends in a place like this. And the fact that they lived so close to Forks was a plus. I thought that Michael, coming from Port Angeles was a coincidence, but Claire and Diana both coming from Seattle was more than that. I smiled to myself, thinking of the three of them. I was lucky to have them, even if I didn't have Bella. They would support me. Just as I would be there for them if they needed me. It was the least I could offer them.
I didn't know what time I got to sleep but the next thing I knew was being woken up by Jude shaking my shoulder lightly, calling my name.
I grumbled and turned over, rolling out of bed and sat up rubbing sleep out of my eyes. I stood up and grabbed the blanket off of the chair and wrapped it around my shoulders before walking out of the door and down the corridor.
Weigh-in was the same as it always was. Shane was falling asleep in his chair again. A sight that always made me smile. Hopefully he would be able to get out of this place when he was meant to this time. He deserved to get out of here. I sat down and elbowed him, smiling at the scowl that he sent me. The same scowl as every other morning.
"How you doing?" He asked. I knew what he meant. How was I doing now that Bella wasn't here.
I sighed, looking down at my lap. "I'm doing okay, I guess." I said looking at him. "It's going to take a while, but I think I can get used to her not being here."
"That's good to hear man," He smiled at me. I smiled back. It was hard not to smile when Shane was around. "We're all going to miss her you know?" I nodded and sighed again. She had really affected people here. More than I think she knew.
After I was called in to be weighed I made my way back up to my room, taking my time, not really wanting to go back to the room that still held her scent and reminded me of her in so many ways. Even though she hadn't left anything of hers here, it was like she was still here. I supposed that it would always feel that way. She had been here with me from practically the very beginning.
I showered and changed in time to hear a knock at my door. "Come in," I called. It was Jude again. She told me that breakfast was being served. I gathered up what strength I had and followed her down, ignoring the looks that I got from the other patients. I didn't even register whether they were looks of astonishment at the fact that I was actually eating down there, as opposed to in my room, or looks of pity and sympathy for having had to say goodbye to Bella.
I met Michael, Claire and Diana down there. They all looked at me and I saw not pity, sympathy or concern, but encouragement on all of their faces. I smiled at them and they all grinned back.
"Are you okay?" Diana asked, looking at me intently as we started to walk into the dining room.
I swallowed and nodded. "I think so." I sighed, looking at her with a small smile. She smiled back at me. I could tell that she wanted to put her arm around me, but didn't because she knew that I would probably freak out. I was grateful for that, and at the thought behind it.
"Don't worry," She whispered, leaning in slightly. "We're right here." She said this and Michael and Claire turned around smiling and nodding at me.
"Thanks you guys," I said as we walked through the doorway. "That means a lot."
"No problem man." Michael replied, grinning, sitting down. I sat down opposite him, beside Claire and Diana sat opposite her. I could feel people watching me and as I looked around I saw Derek standing there, seemingly staring into space. He looked at me and smiled reassuringly and nodded. I smiled back at him and looked back at Michael who was grinning at me.
The brought around the breakfasts, which thankfully for me turned out to be oatmeal anyway. In addition to being moved downstairs to eat they were laos moving me onto soft solids today, so the oatmeal was welcomed as a first meal down here. I looked at Michael and he seemed to be battling with himself as much as I was, although I think it was for a different reason.
He looked up and me and smiled sheepishly. "I hate oatmeal." He stated simply and I laughed. If there was anything overly complicated running through his mind, it never came out of his mouth, which was one of the reasons I felt bad that Michael was in here in the first place. Someone like him shouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff.
"You can do it. It's alright." Claire whispered next to me, starting her own breakfast.
I inhaled and thought of being back in my room with Bella sat next to me. That it was just the two of us sitting there, and she was busying herself with her own breakfast. No one else there. Just us. This helped as it was what I was used to. I picked up the spoon still imagining that it was just the two of us sitting there and it seemed to work.
Surprising myself I even managed to finish the bowl, something I wouldn't have thought that I would be able to do, especially with Bella gone. I looked up at Michael and Diana. Michael was still grimacing at the awful taste that had been left in his mouth from the oatmeal and Diana was beaming at me, nodding her head. I smiled at her and watched Michael again. His face was a picture. Even I didn't think that it tasted that bad. And that was saying something.
The rule of having to stay in the recreation room after mealtimes was still in effect so we made our way through the adjoining doors and I sat and watched the other three argue over what game of cards to play. Diana and Claire wanted to play Rummy, but Michael, who at this point had the cards in his hands, wanted to play Go Fish! I thought it was funny. He was never going to win. Arguing with Diana and Claire was like arguing with Alice. It was just something that wasn't done, and if it was then you lost every time.
"Edward," Michael called and my head snapped up at the sound of my name. "You wanna play?" He held up the deck and pointed to it.
I felt my face scrunch up. "I dunno....."
"Come on!" Claire whined turning to look at me. She was pouting. "Pwease." I saw her lip start quivering. The only other ones who could use that against me and have it work were Alice and Bella.
"Don't do that, Claire!" I warned, pointing at her. I could see tears welling up in her eyes as her lip inched out even further, making it a real little girl pout. "Don't! Stop it! Alright, I'll play!" I gave up. There was no way that anyone could resist an expression like that, myself included.
"Yay!" Her pout and quivering lip disappeared, as did the tears in her eyes and she sat on her knees bouncing up and down clapping her hands. I swear this girl had been possessed by Alice. She was like her in every way. I slid off of the sofa and sat at the only unoccupied side of the table. Michael was dealing the cards, having given into the girls protests about wanting to play Rummy.
"Claire," I said, picking up the cards and leaning back on the sofa. "You haven't spent a load of time with my sister, Alice have you?" I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and I saw her face twist in thought.
"Alice?" She thought for a moment more, mulling over the name. "She the little one with black hair?"
I nodded. "The one that looks like a pixie." I looked at her properly and she started laughing.
"I guess she does look kinda like a pixie," She thought again. "No, not really. Why?" She picked up her own cards and looked at them.
"Oh, no reason." I started sorting out my cards, putting the ones I could use into some sort of order and grouping the useless ones up together. "You just really remind me of her sometimes."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" She asked, looking at me quizzically.
I pretended to think for a moment. "I'm not sure." I looked at her as her face fell. I laughed at her expression and she looked at me confused. "No, it's a good thing. She's just a bit hyper.....well, I say a bit hyper....." I saw them all looking at me confused. "Alright, imagine a toddler after eating about ten or so pixie sticks. How hyper that would make them." They all nodded, grinning. Obviously they'd each had experience with my particular example. "Well, times it by about ten and that's Alice." Their jaws dropped. "On a slow day." Their eyes widened at that and I couldn't help but laughing.
"You're joking, right?" Diana asked, staring at me wide-eyed. I shook my head. "There's no way that someone can be that hyper. Especially on a slow day."
"Well then you haven't met Alice." I chuckled, amazed at how natural it felt around these three. Normally the only one that I would feel comfortable laughing and joking around would be Bella. I had a hard time doing that even around my family. So being able to around these three amazed me more than normal. I didn't think that I would be able to laugh properly without Bella here, but in these last few moments, I realised that I could.
Looking at the three of them as we played the game made me smile. They were the closest thing I had to a family in here, and I'll tell you now they bickered like brother and sisters. At the moment, Diana and Michael were disputing whether or not he had put some card down before she went or something like that anyway. I tuned out what they were actually saying and focused on their facial expressions. Even though it wasn't a real argument of sorts the faces that they made were still funny. I thought of how Bella and I would usually sit on the sofa that I was leaning on now and laugh at the three of them. The way her body used to shake gently against mine as she chuckled, or the sound of her laugh like music to my ears. The way her eyes would tear up with laughter if one of them did or said something stupid. The scent of her shampoo as her hair flicked as she tried to calm herself down.
I turned to face Claire, who was looking at me intently, a small smile playing on her face.
"Thinking about Bella." It came out as a statement rather than a question and I nodded. "Don't worry. She'll be back at the weekend, and.....with her on the outside, you have more of a goal to work towards now." She smiled at me and laid her hand on the floor, palm up, inviting me to take it if I felt comfortable enough to. I looked at her hand and slowly took it. My heart sped up slightly and I had to concentrate to keep my breathing under control, but the feeling of Claire's soft skin next to my fingers was reassuring. There wasn't the same small jolt of electricity that came when I took Bella's hand, or the tingling feeling that would run up and down my arm but it was comforting nevertheless. I looked at her and she beamed at me. She knew that it took a lot for me to be able to do that. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze. "She loves you, you know. You should hear the way she talks about you. There's love and adoration in every single syllable. And you're the same. You're a perfect pair." I snorted. Perfect? Right, nice one Claire. I thought miserably. Bella may be perfect, but I sure as hell am not. "No! You are! You and Bella have what everyone dreams about having. You love each other so much. I can tell it's hurting you to be away from her right now. But you're doing it. You're being strong. And she's going to be waiting for you to get out of here." She squeezed my hand again, in a reassuring way.
"Thanks, Claire." I sighed. "That means a lot. I guess, it's just.....I can't help but think, what if I'm just a charity case, you know? What if when I get out of here it's like "Right, job done. Let's move on to the next one." I don't know, I guess I just can't help thinking that. I mean, she's beautiful, smart, articulate, caring and kind. What the hell would she really see in someone like me. I'm broken. Damaged." I looked up at her and she was shaking her head.
"Bella's right." She smiled slightly. "You don't see yourself clearly." I felt my brow furrow at her words. "All the things that you described Bella as, you are as well. Every single one of those and more. You are not damaged or broken. And Bella does not think of you as a charity case. So don't you even dare think that, okay?!" She pointed a finger at me and I blinked at her, dumbly. She waved her finger in a way that I supposed was supposed to be intimidating, but when Claire did it, it was just cute. "She loves you. So much. You don't have to be an empath to feel the love that radiates off of the two of you. It's intoxicating. It's beautiful. She'll be there waiting for you to walk through those doors. Don't you worry about that."
"I guess so." I sighed, looking down at my hand that was still holding Claire's.
"Now," She said, causing me to look up again. "All you have to do is get better so you can get out of here to see her. You promise me that you will?" She pouted at me again and I smiled.
Just then, I completely went against everything I had previously known. I gently tugged on the hand that had hold of Claire's hand. She thought I was trying to let go so she loosened her grip but I only tightened mine and gently pulled her into a hug. I felt her freeze not sure of what to do, how to react to this out of character behaviour from me. A moment later she relaxed and I felt her arms wrap around me into a comforting hug.
"I promise, Clarey." I whispered using the nickname that she had been given. "I promise."
For those of you wondering, nothing is going to happen between Edward and Claire. Edward is irrevocably in love with Bella and Claire is going out with Quil. Their relationship doesn't go any further than that of close friends. Thought I'd clear that up before I get a load of reviews asking about it.
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Ciao!! xx
