A white little creature purring me

In my situation, that had been the only freedom I could take. I couldn't leave the institution, I couldn't remove myself from the case, I couldn't simply kill the source of uneasiness; because if I'd do any of this, I know Zeno has the sources to make sure I will stay in this place forever. I don't understand why he's equally obsessed with pushing Killua on me as Hisoka is, and at the same time is making sure I keep cooperating with Chrollo. It makes no sense. I am not becoming a better psychologist because of any of it, and both co-workers and patients are endangered and hurt.

What am I overlooking?

But almost three weeks have passed since then, and from the moment Killua noticed that Chrollo actually had been reinstated, he'd refused to talk about his memories. It was a trade-off, and perhaps the best solution. With the distance now being created, he can simply focus on Kurapika and Gon, and our connection can be ignored. Once training starts again tonight, everything will have quieted down.

I still feel this annoying protection now and again, but I'm starting to become able in ignoring it - knowing that actual danger is not happening for Killua - and I will just walk away from it as soon as his case is done.

Chrollo seems utterly pleased with this turn of events. Although I'm still not his possession and I've made this very clear, he doesn't seem to care about it and hasn't shown his true face anymore.

Hisoka and Zeno are not necessarily displeased with any of these events, but the first is simply bored with the current situation. I can imagine he is. Contact with Killua has stagnated, and I've successfully recreated the drug which suppresses my triggers. There's not a whole lot for him to play with. Perhaps Zeno has pulled him away a little as well.

Silva had been easiest to convince that this was the best course of action. The less contact I had with Killua, the less the chance Chrollo would perceive him as a threat, and he would leave him alone.

The one most displeased with the situation, seems to be Killua; even though Chrollo had done as promised, and delivered Gon's parents in one piece. There was very little attention for the disappearances, and Ging is kept in a different place. It was a job well done, and he'd appreciated the compensation for it. The call Killua had with his friend after everything had been settled, had even seemingly relaxed him. He was looking displeased, but more relaxed. Apparently he'd found some kind of closure to his insecurities with Gon. He's on a path of stepping out of his role of the victim. Hope has apparently done this for him.

That was both desirable and undesirable at the same time.

Killua has been bold from the start, and that hasn't changed. So if he suddenly decides his focus shifts from getting stronger back to bothering Chrollo, we will have a problem. Training is one way to keep his mind on his current focus, and it's become a main reason to take this time for him.

Machi had done a good job in making sure Killua would be strong enough again for light training.

'Lights off?' I gave Chrollo a short nod before starting to tie my hair back to go to sleep. Now that things with Killua have calmed down, I had the time to go back home now and again. This was favorable, because I was planning on another Breaker job. The second Chrollo learned of this, he'd invited himself into my house until he's found a place of his own again. Although possessive, I don't really care about where he sleeps, and he stays out of my business when I ask him to. He's become very obedient now that he apparently got what he wanted.

Of course I am aware that giving my permission technically puts me on the same list as Machi - and perhaps Kurapika again in the future; he is too comfortable around him to purely hate him.

Although I don't like being on that list, I am not infatuated with Chrollo like they are or were. Without Killua clouding my judgment, I will notice when I'm being manipulated into becoming that.

Chrollo walked around the bed and shuffled under his blankets before I lay down as well. Seeing as he's executed the assignment for Gon's family perfectly, I will use him in an actual Breaker's job to see if cooperation is still as smooth as it used to be.

'I will need that body in two days.'

'Not a problem.' In two months, I hadn't felt this in control. But Hisoka ignoring me is never a good prelude to anything. Especially when he looks bored.


I couldn't really believe any of these happenings. Chrollo, Hisoka and my dad leaving me alone, Gon with his family again, and Zeno keeping true to his promise by letting me go out alone with Kurapika. I don't know what his real reason is for allowing this, but I'm not jinxing that. Right now I'm out of that depressing place, and walking in the bright winter sun without any shrink following, enjoying some actual freedom. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath of fresh air just because I felt like it. I feel a little bad for Gon not being allowed to do this, but the thought that his entire family is with him again, makes it alright enough.

'It's really incredible that you can walk without problem again, Machi has done an amazing job.' Kurapika seemed different as well, he was about the only one looking more tense. Can imagine why though, progress is not exactly favorable for him, even though his focus is more on me than Chrollo right now. Either way, I'm not ever letting up on going after Chrollo when I have the means, so he shouldn't be so worried. By now I'm almost itching to do that. It's nice to have all this peace and quiet, but I feel like it's going to dull me if it goes on for too long.

'You're really that impressed? I've recovered more quickly before.' Not exactly from injuries like this, but still. I lifted my hand and turned my wrist back and forth. Training tonight was probably not even gonna get me out of breath, but at least it's something. Maybe we can train impact.

'How's your other wrist?' My other wrist was the one that actually had the torn tendon, I still needed to keep that still. I held it up in between us, evading some passers-by in the process.

'This one's gonna take a while, not even my body can heal it that fast. Do you have some kind of miracle treatment for it?' He started laughing a little before stopping us in a calmer part of the street.

'Well, I picked up one or two things. Let's step aside right now.' Last week we were also allowed to go out, but I would have had to do that in a wheelchair, and my stupid pride wouldn't have it. Kurapika had actually become more insistent in keeping contact over the phone, by the way. Although all this contact was a bit forced on me, actually having someone worry about me, it didn't feel wrong. I've been taught to take care of everything on my own, but having a voluntary safety net is something I can accept by now. Gon's worry is way different than Kurapika's, by the way. We just push each other to solve it on our own, don't we. 'Give me your hand. I know of a couple of things that could help speed recovery, so just look at what I do and ask Machi to do the same.' Everything's been coming along just fine, but Illumi since visiting Gon was a different story in its own…

'How did training go in your family by the way? How did you learn all of this medical stuff?' While unwrapping my hand, I pocketed the other. It's so fucking clear that Illumi can't handle whatever he remembered or felt that day. Somewhere it was strange, because I thought that I'd be the one freaking out. Although everything I experienced there had been beyond intense, I don't actually seem to care all that much, and it wasn't that hard to give it a place. It's awkward at best. I've been in intense situations before, the only difference that time was another person being with me, and the duration. Plus Illumi was right, the person in front of me now is not the same as the person back then. Kind of hard being bothered by him with that being the case.

The only thing that did bother me, was remembering how desperate I'd been for contact. I'd curled up inside his arms, that kind of neediness sends shivers down my spine.

But you know, even though there's some kind of hope for a non-doomed future, I'm still kind of numb from everything; the only thing I've done is calm down, basically. And somewhere along the way of that, I've stopped hating Illumi. Well, I am pissed off that he's apparently cracked and dropped me just like that, but that's about it. That dude's not gonna hear about anything I remember 'till he actually gets his act back together.

'Something wrong?' I relaxed my face again when I noticed the tension in it.

'Ah, no, it's nothing.'

'What were you thinking about?' I took the bandages from him while he still carefully supported my hand and lower arm. He lay his fingers on it sideways, and trailed from halfway my lower arm to the base of my fingers. He barely exuded pressure.

'Mah, the usual, just being annoyed with Illumi again.' I sighed the words,

'Well, just being annoyed with him is a whole lot better than when I first met you. Don't hesitate to speak up about any of those psychologists when you feel like it, you know how much I like them as well.' I snorted when he said that. 'I know you're feeling better because there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but keep remembering that you don't have to do everything alone, alright?' I'm starting to learn how to discern honesty from empty promise, but Kurapika really does seem willing. I still don't understand how he can be so open with what's been done to him.

'You're too nice for everything's that's happened to you.' I kind of blurted that out while I was taking note of the pressure points and technique he was using.

'Just relax your fingers, let them react how they want… And thank you, it means a lot to hear that. ' He smiled up at me a second. Someone like you shouldn't be chasing someone like Chrollo.

'No really, you actually don't want to do the same to Chrollo like he's done to you, do you.' It's obvious he prefers doing stuff like this above planning a torture. Kurapika's not a killer.

'No I don't.' Didn't take much to admit that. 'But I feel like I'll stop living if I simply accept what he's done. That's why I've been pushing myself.'

'Mah, I don't have anything against your company, so don't push yourself too hard.' I half muttered the words, a little embarrassed about actually saying it out loud. Before he could react to it, I covered it up, 'If you want me to finish it for you, I don't mind. You only have to hire me.' He stopped completely for a second, but I couldn't look back up at him. Can I make it anymore painfully obvious I don't know how to deal with this kind of attention?

'Thank you, that means a lot to me as well. Seeing as I know him better, I think it's best if the plan comes from me, though.'

'That's alright, I can work like that.' My eyes were staying fixed on my hand.

'I want to say that I don't want a kid doing something like that, but you've done plenty before, haven't you. So I'm going to accept your kindness. I'll be sure to save up for the price of hiring you.' I cringed and ducked my head in a little when his free hand made it to the top of my head again. What is your fucking obsession with doing that. 'But to answer your question about my medical skills; they're actually far from completely trained. I lost my mentor when I was 17, I never finished, so I'm just learning from our research. I plan on doing regular medical training once all of this is over.' When Illumi was 17, he was already a full-fledged Breaker; I'm 14 and will be a professional at 15; I think I like the pace of your training a lot more.

'Don't worry, I only failed on a job once, I'll make sure Chrollo won't make it.' I spoke up more resolute. You're trying to protect me, but you need it more than I do. Killing someone breaks someone like you, I've seen it before, you deserve better than that. He took his hand from my head again to continue his small treatment. We stepped a little out of the way of someone who deemed it necessary not to use the clear part of the sidewalk. I sneered at him and he quickened his pace. That's right, run you pansy,

'Seems like you found a place inside yourself to deal with what's happening, that's good to hear. I really hated seeing you in that bed.' I turned back to look at the one treating me,

'Really? I'd think talking with the one who did the experiments would be harder.'

'Ah, it was Illumi who did that?'

'You didn't know?' Kurapika stopped what he was doing when he noticed tension in my hand returning. 'No, I didn't.' He actually didn't. This didn't make sense. He just found out this very second that he'd been talking to the guy who'd experimented on his family, and this is how he reacts?! I heard him sigh, and he held out his hand when I looked up at him. Without second thought, I returned the bandage to him.

'You are not this numb, and you wouldn't lie about knowing or not knowing, what are you not saying?' It took him a while before he was able to look back. Instead just focusing on wrapping my wrist again. 'I saw your reaction to the box when I showed it to you, how is that able to get you crying on your knees, but not finding out that you've been talking to one of the people who-' But it was consistent, wasn't it? He'd barely reacted to Chrollo as well. You don't have it repressed that far, you still reacted to the box, what in the hell is going on here?

'I'm sorry.' I'm sorry, my ass. Do you really have that much trouble with killing that you don't even care anymore what happens to Chrollo? But you do care. Kurapika was outraged when he was forced to talk about any of it. Neither the presence of Illumi or Chrollo does anything to him, but talking about or remembering the event triggers him. It's like neither Chrollo or Illumi actually have anything to do with it, or he's actually working with them-

I pulled my hand away instantly when that thought crossed my mind. Would he work with them?! He's haunted by his past…. Could it be that neither Chrollo or Illumi have anything to do with it, and he's working with them to catch whomever did? Did you order them to murder your clan yourself and are you just toying with me?! But if it's all been acting up until now, then he wouldn't have made the mistake of not reacting to their presence, would he? I need to talk to dad again…

'I really am sorry. I don't want to raise any suspicions with you, but I can't tell you the truth either, you're not ready.' I'm not fucking ready?! I glared at him, and decided to finish the bandaging myself. 'I have no ill will towards you, if that's what you're worrying about.' Well, I'm worrying about a lot of things right now… 'If you want, I'm sure you have information networks to eliminate insecurities. Whether you believe it or not, my apathy towards both of them doesn't mean I like them. All I can ask you is not to lose contact with Illumi, so either one of you can regain full memory.'

'… …' I stopped bandaging a second. All I cando is keep a look out, can't I. If he's on the level where I'm currently speculating he is, he could also fool Zeno and there's no use in worrying about it. Besides, my hand does feel better. I sighed a little while looking at him, and lent him my hand again. A smile returned to his face. I know I need to watch my back and keep watch of everyone's motivations, but I need to learn to trust my instinct more. 'Why am I "not ready to hear this yet" when it's concerning your apathy. Why do I need full memory to understand?'

'Because unfortunately you're part of the story, and you have to remember by yourself. You have the information, but it won't do you any good if I just tell you.'

'You're saying you know I'm not remembering everything that's happened back then?'

'I'd have noticed if you'd remembered.'

'That big of an impact huh.'

'Yes it is.'

'And you said I need to get close to Illumi again?' I wasn't exactly feeling like going through all that again, not even to understand the situation completely. I can't say I'm not comfortable where I am right now, and even though I'm itching to do something again, I need more motivation if I'm going to get in harm's way of Chrollo again.

'You said he ran away last time because you remembered, right?'

'Yeah, he says he doesn't remember anything specifically and is demanding I tell him.' Getting damn annoying by now. You fucking dropped me, I ain't telling you anything.

'Emotional remembrance is even more dependent on confrontation with old situations than literal remembrance is. So apparently you behaved like you did in captivity for a couple of seconds back then. Not strange if you were remembering yourself. Easiest way to get closer to him again, is to simulate a situation like that. At this point he's vulnerable for this, it should work. Can you do that?' It's not a matter of "can" it's a matter of "will". I looked at him a little longer and got my hand back. There wasn't a whole lot to be read from his face at this point, he was just waiting and calculating. So I raised my voice and asked the most prominent question,

'Why would I put myself in between Illumi and Chrollo again, why would I possibly do that?'

'Because getting close to Illumi is the first step to killing Chrollo.' For a second my brows drew closer together. Because I'd then be close to him and could get information? It wasn't because of that, was it. Logically it could be the reason, because Kurapika's never come close to either the real Chrollo or Illumi, but somehow it didn't feel like that was the intention. He would just tell me if it was a simple reason like that. What am I missing? 'If you want another hint for motivation, the clue to figuring out what's going on, what any of us are playing at, lies in the reason why Chrollo is possessive.' But you know that already, why do I need to find out? Why would me finding out on my own be different? Why am I the center of all of this? I squinted a little at him, taking in the new information and processing it the best I could. If I'm the center, and me finding out why Chrollo's possessive makes the difference in taking out Chrollo… what does it mean..? Is it a clue to how to come in between Illumi and Chrollo?

Wait!

If me getting closer to Illumi is the first step to killing Chrollo, then what the hell are Hisoka and Zeno playing at? All they've done up until now is promote this pair-up in one way or the other. Hell, why does even my dad support this as well? Both Chrollo and Illumi have even been forced to stay on this case. What the hell is even going on?! And how does your apathy even connect to any of this?!

'Don't worry, I'm not asking you to have sex with him this time either.'

'That never happened!' I closed my eyes and raised my voice again when he mentioned it, and he started laughing. I turned on my heel and got back on my way after that. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, there'd been no sex in my memory. I was ten, I would be even more weirded out if it had happened back then. 'But getting close again, right? I don't actually feel like changing the situation right now, is it really so important I find out all of this to take out Chrollo.'

'It's your only chance.' I turned to walk backwards out in front of him and looked him in the eyes. My gut is saying he's not lying.

But there are two very contradicting things going on right now; one is that the connection between me and Illumi is promoted when it's the key to killing Chrollo; two is that Chrollo is forcefully being bound to Illumi. All that this situation can do is escalate things for Chrollo, and lead to his death. Well obviously Zeno doesn't like him then, if he's off-limits for everyone else.

Then did you hire him as to contain him? To wait for the opportunity to take him out? Chrollo would simply accept if he'd have the chance to get Illumi back again, wouldn't he.

That could… actually make sense..? Because obviously dad doesn't like Chrollo either. So everyone – but Machi, and at the moment Illumi – just wants Chrollo dead?

I started to feel confidence flowing back, and a grin formed on my face when I realized that this could actually be the truth behind it all. Well, if all I have to do to kill Chrollo is get close to Illumi again, that's fine with me. I can't believe I'm actually looking forward to action after having just had three weeks of peace and quiet, but I actually am. Being in that comfort zone was nice, but taking the risk to do something I really want to do, feels a whole of a lot better, doesn't it. Even though half under order, I'm finally gonna do something I want to do.

You almost ruined everything for Gon, and me as well. I'm not objecting in the least to playing along in this game, if your death is the end goal, Chrollo.


'It's not time yet, are you going to demand sex again?'

'Goddamnit, no of course not!' He yelled back at me insulted when he closed the door behind him. I'd felt Killua's serious intent from the moment he turned the last corner to my office, and he'd let himself in after a short knock. After almost three weeks of quiet discontentment with me, apparently the conversation with Kurapika changed something for him today.

'Then what is it?' I didn't stop working for a second. Next to catching up on some work, I'm preparing for the job two days from now. I haven't had a single second of free time from the moment I woke up. I have to say that it's a satisfying feeling. So Killua prematurely interrupting wasn't acceptable. 'We can start the training right now, or you're going to leave me alone.'

'I want you to take over from Machi with physical therapy.' He took slow steps closer, stopping right in front of my desk, looking slightly down at me.

'Machi is more qualified to do this, or do you have complaints about her.'

'Kurapika showed a technique that could help more than what Machi does. I'd rather you do it.'

'Kurapika is still working on making sure you're going to drive Chrollo off, and apparently everyone is doing so. By asking you to come in between us, he's forcing you to put yourself in harm's way again. Why are you accepting this?'

'Because…' He took a deep breath and sighed. 'You know what, forget it. Nothing I'm going to say is going to convince you to risk getting Chrollo angry again.'

'That's correct, but you never give up this easily. So I will say right away that whatever plan you have in mind to come in between us again will be severely punished.' His focus is shifting already? That's unfortunate. I was quite enjoying not having to deal with that inconvenience again.

'Alright. Then I'll just tell you about what I remember.' I stopped typing and looked up at the boy when he said this.

'Giving in does not fit your current mental state either. What do you hope to accomplish by doing this?' I continued when he didn't answer me, 'It doesn't matter what you say. I know our goals are opposite, and I will not do anything you ask of me. So your best course of action would have been to try something physical while training, why are you standing here now?' He raised the hand with his still immobile wrist, and slowly his expression started changing.

'You gave up.' I cocked my head,

'Excuse me?'

'You gave up when we were locked up. That's the reason I broke my arm. I was so desperate to get out and not let it end there, that I found the strength to do so.' I remained quiet when I noticed he was actually telling me. It put me on alert, especially his increasingly softening expression. 'But before that, do you know what happened? I hesitated in wanting to get out of there. I hesitated because you cared, and I hadn't felt that in my life up until then. I didn't want to leave that. I can't believe it myself, but when I think back on it, thanks to you I was probably able to become friends with Gon, didn't I? Even though I didn't remember any of this 'till a couple weeks ago, I remembered how it felt, and I noticed Gon's intentions, letting him in.' He huffed when he handed me this realization, 'I actually let him in because I still remembered I felt safe with you. Can you image it? You being the reason I can actually feel all of this?'

'Ah, you're hoping I get the same reaction I had three weeks ago? That's not happening.' I was the one who did that for him? It merely supports my theory that I let him in while feeling the complete loss of connectivity. Considering the protective nature hammered into me for whomever it is I'm connected to, none of this is shocking to me.

'Oh well, it was worth a shot.' He lowered his arm again.

'If you try anything during training, it will be over permanently.'

'Understood.'

'I will see you in two hours.' I turned back to my work.

'Can I kiss you?' I turned back immediately at the unusual question, but during the movement, he'd slid his hand behind my neck, and pressed his lips against mine. I resisted the urge to immediately and violently remove him from me. I'd taken the drug from Chrollo so I wasn't triggering, but I had to be careful in removing him from me in his current state. I can very easily do permanent damage now, considering most pressure points are at the joints, and I don't want his family after me. He's risking doing this even though I said I wouldn't train him as a consequence?

But he wasn't in a malicious state of mind, was he.

Ah! That's it. By telling that story just now, he'd put himself back in the state of four years ago, and I hadn't felt hostility from him because he wasn't feeling it. In this state of mind of his, he actually wanted to do this because it had probably felt good back then, and I hadn't picked up on his intentions. You're more dangerous now than you were before, and there's only one of two options at this point. Either make it backfire for him again by taking it further than probably had been done during captivity - thus eliminating any residual feeling for him - or use a non-joint pressure point to dislodge and threaten him.

The only question remaining was which of the options would make him stop making these attempts in the future, because his resolve has increased exponentially if he's going back to a place that has caused him a lot of grief. You're luring Chrollo out for some reason beyond what Kurapika asked you to do. What kind of pay-off has he promised you?

I sighed through my nose, when I weighed all of the options within a second, and realized there wasn't actually a choice. So I took immediate action.


A/N

(I feel like one of these days I'm gonna get killed for my cliffhangers)

I have been waiting for AGES to use that chapter title ever since I heard it in Live to tell the Tale. THE TIME HAS FINALLY COME!

I feel like I'm becoming more and more evil though.
I'm slowly drawing closer to the big secret, I'm feeling all tingly~