CHAPTER 48
"Sully, wait!"
She managed to reach the door before he could step through it, nearly slamming it shut in her desire to keep him there. She reached out for him, but he wrenched away from her hands.
"Let me go, Michaela."
"No, Sully!" she returned vehemently. "You can't drop something like that on me and then just leave," she murmured in an effort to keep her voice down. "Talk to me."
Emitting a soft snort of self-disgust, he shook his head in amazement. "I saw in your eyes just now what 'cher thinkin'. I'm a baby-killer! I ain't fit ta be your husband," he ground out accusingly, although in truth he wasn't angry with her, but at the horrible yet unavoidable incident that had driven a wedge as strong as steel between him and the woman he loved.
She gasped at his words, but quickly strove to remedy them. "Oh Sully, that simply isn't true!" He kept his face turned from her and she reached out to touch his sleeve. "Please look at me."
He turned half way, cautiously venturing a gaze at her face, afraid he would see the same look of revulsion.
She tried to smile encouragingly, determinedly pushing away the horrible images. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"'Cause I knew how you'd react!" he burst emotively. Then drawing in a shuddering breath and closing his eyes again, added in a whisper, "I was ashamed...and afraid you'd...turn away from me if you knew."
She reached out for him again, this time gripping his arms and making him look at her.
"I'm not turning away from you, Sully! I love you...and nothing you could ever do would change that fact," she vowed softly.
Of course his admission had shocked and saddened her – she would never condone the deliberate slaughter of innocent life. But, she knew Sully had committed the act with absolutely no malice aforethought. She knew his heart – and she knew this tragedy had nearly shattered his soul.
His brow furrowed as he stared into her eyes and tried to make sense of conflicting 'realities'. "But...at the table tonight...you said killin' a child is...unforgiveable..." he whispered.
Now it all became crystal clear as she realized the discussion at the table had brought it back to his mind, and after all he'd been through the last three days, it was the final straw on the camel's back.
"Oh Sully...this in no way even resembles the acts O'Connor committed," she gently assured. "In your case it was an accident. I know you never meant for that to happen."
He remained silent, his gaze unwavering, but a spark of hope flickered deep within the blue depths as he took in a shuddering breath. She gently continued, "It was a tragic, regrettable occurrence, yes. But, Sully, you were only following orders, and only aiming at an enemy – an enemy who had threatened the annihilation of an entire garrison. You had no idea his wife and baby were even there. I know you would never knowingly hurt a child," she soothed lovingly, slipping up a hand to gently smooth his tears away. Part of her marveled that this strong, virile, brave man had such a tender side to his persona, which only reinforced the fact that he and a vile creature like O'Connor were polar opposites. Sully's tears of remorse proved he was a man of honor and compassion, and strength of character.
He drew in another shuddering breath as he felt his body begin to relax for the first time since he had sat down at the table. Reverently, he gathered both of her hands in his, bringing them to his lips before lowering his head and gently touching his forehead to hers.
"I thought I'd made peace with it...out there on my vision quest, but...I guess I'd just buried it..." he whispered. "Yesterday, after we left the treaty council...I sat in Black Kettle's tepee and listened to a grieved father...name's Franklin but he calls himself Grieving Elk now..." he paused as he pictured the broken man. "He'd been out huntin' with his son and came back ta find his village had been wiped out...by O'Connor and his men. He found his wife and baby girl...riddled with bullets..." he paused, fighting the nausea caused by the images his words created. "I felt so bad...that I'd ever been one of them."
"Sully – you were a good soldier. You did everything by the book, not out of malice or hate or prejudice," she encouraged with gentle force.
He shrugged miserably. That didn't alter the fact that he had engaged in warfare against the Indians, despite only killing warriors in battle, not women or children.
At her wits end, Michaela gently pulled him into her arms to try and let him feel the depth of her love.
"You need to forgive yourself."
"How?" he whispered agonizingly.
She wasn't sure, but silently, she vowed to help this precious man release a burden that was too heavy for any human to carry.
OOOOOOOO
The next morning, the two glanced at each other as Sully reached for the knob on the church's front door. She grasped his arm and entwined her hand with his as they rounded the wall and entered the main room.
Reverend Johnson turned from dusting the pulpit and grinned when he saw them.
"Dr. Mike, Sully," he greeted with his friendly white smile. "I hear congratulations are in order. You're wantin' to talk about weddin' details, right?" he assumed good-naturedly.
Michaela smiled softly as Sully covered her hand with his free one and smiled down into her eyes.
"Thank you, Reverend. But...before we tend to that, there is something else we need to talk with you about," she offered quietly.
The clergyman's eyebrows rose expectantly. Then realizing the subdued and serious expressions on their faces, he sobered and put down his dusting cloth, gesturing to the front row of pews as he murmured, "Of course...sit down, won't you?"
They took seats and the Reverend pulled a chair up close. Then gazing at each one, he prompted gently, "What can I help you with?"
Michaela met Sully's eyes, silently prompting him to divulge what he chose to of the details. He swallowed and took a deep breath, loathing that he had to bring the subject up yet again.
"When I was in Arizona...I did somethin' bad...so terrible...that I..." he stumbled, shutting his eyes for a minute to try and gather his thoughts again.
"...And, you've been unable to get past the incident?" the wise clergyman guessed softly.
Sully glanced into his eyes and nodded, then lowered his head. Michaela squeezed his hand, her heart aching that he was in such pain.
Slowly, Sully carefully related what details he could without divulging the fact that he had been on active duty in the army at the time, wording it as if he were out hunting, which was in part true since he had been hunting One Eye. The Reverend listened quietly, watching Sully's expressions and body language, able to clearly see the incident had nearly decimated his soul.
When Sully stumbled again to a halt, Reverend Tim asked softly, "Are you wanted by the law for this?"
Sully shook his head and met Michaela's eyes, murmuring, "No...they were...Indians."
The Reverend nodded, relieved that he at least wouldn't be faced with the knowledge that one of his parishioners had committed a crime that necessitated lawful intervention. "What did the father do...?" he asked thoughtfully.
"He...he came after me...we fought...I killed him," Sully whispered. "He kept screamin' 'Kday kshee!'... that I'd killed his son...that was the hardest for me...since I'd watched my own child be born dead...I knew what he was feelin'," he added sorrowfully.
The clergyman nodded again, thinking this shed light on some things he had wondered about, including Sully's sudden reappearance after two years, and then the man's foray into all things Cheyenne.
"I've...tried to pray about it...to God...to the Cheyenne 'spirits'...askin' forgiveness that I took three...four lives," Sully offered.
Reverend Tim smiled gently. "And the Bible says in First John 1:9 that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Waiting until Sully met his eyes again, he encouraged, "So...He's forgiven you, Sully, as God's not a man that He should lie. But now I think, what is needed is for you to forgive yourself."
Sully's eyes began to fill and he blinked back the tears. Meeting the other man's gaze, he whispered, "How?"
Smiling understandingly, as he had struggled with his own self-recrimination and had only in recent years conquered his past, Reverend Johnson murmured, "Why don't we ask God for help?"
Sully nodded, and the Reverend reached out and joined hands with them both. He bowed his head, leading Sully in a heartfelt and cleansing prayer, and then praying for God to take away the pain and the shame.
When the three finally said, "Amen," and opened their eyes, Sully sighed with relief. He could feel that the bulk of the burden he had carried for so many months had finally begun to dissolve.
OOOOOOO
An hour after they had entered the church, the couple exited the front door hand in hand. Sully paused a minute on the porch, breathing in deeply. Gazing around, it occurred to him that everything within his field of vision seemed brighter, clearer, and he felt more alive than he had in years. The lifting of the heavy burden had energized his very soul.
He turned and took the woman he loved into his arms. She gazed up at him adoringly, her eyes drifting shut as he leaned in for a soft kiss, which she warmly returned.
Pulling back, he whispered, "Thanks for draggin' me here and makin' me talk to the Reverend. I never woulda done it on my own...but I'm so glad now that I did."
"You're welcome," she whispered back, drawing him into her arms for a much needed hug. "I love you so much. When you hurt...I hurt," she confessed softly.
He smiled and nuzzled her hair, so thankful to have a woman like her in his life. "I love you, too...more'n you'll ever know."
After a few moments, Michaela remembered they weren't behind closed doors, and pulled demurely back from his arms, glancing up at him shyly as she murmured, "We should go."
He grinned down at her and nodded in acquiescence, amused by the occasional moments of Boston propriety that rose to the surface of her personality. He grasped her hand and raised it to his lips for a kiss as they made their way down the stairs.
As they entered the dining room of the boarding house several minutes later, eying each other with obvious affection, Brian met them at the door.
"Dr. Mike! Sully! Is it true? Are ya really gonna get married?"
Michaela laughed happily and reached to pull the little boy against her skirts for a hug.
"Yes Brian. It's really true."
"Oh boy! Does that mean you'll be livin' here again like you did before, Sully?" the boy asked with delight, practically jumping up and down as he imagined being able to see his hero every day.
Sully laughed and reached to pick the boy up, glancing at his fiancée as he thought about the fact that he wanted Michaela to live with him at his homestead. "Well, actually...we ain't really talked about things like that yet."
"Can I be the flower girl in your weddin'?" Colleen gushed.
"I know just the dress for you to wear. It was my weddin' dress," Dorothy immediately jumped in. "Since my girls ran away ta get married, I thought it wouldn't eva be used again."
"Is Daniel gonna be your best man, Sully? Or are ya gonna ask yer friend Cloud Dancin'?" Matthew wanted to know.
"Grace and me can whip up a fine weddin' supper for ya. When's the big day?" Charlotte asked with a grin, wiping her hands on a towel as she emerged from the kitchen.
Just as Michaela was about to say that all of this was a little overwhelming, a voice was heard from the doorway.
"Michaela! You simply cannot get married here. Mother will never allow it!"
Everyone turned to see Marjorie standing in the doorway to the hall, hands on hips, Daniel right behind her, the two of them having been on a buggy ride out to the proposed hospital location.
"You and Mr. Sully will travel to Boston for your nuptials. That is, of course, after an appropriately long engagement," Michaela's sister ordered, unconsciously sounding very much like their mother.
"Marjorie..." Michaela began.
"We ain't..." Sully offered, but was cut off by Daniel as he stepped past the woman in the doorway, acting as an unconscious liaison between the parties.
"Seems ta me...Miss Marjorie...Sully and Michaela here are adults...able ta decide things how they want 'em..."
Everyone in the room waited with baited breath for the volatile woman to react to this, as Sully and Michaela exchanged glances, preparing to do something they had not expected – fight for the right to have their wedding the way they want.
After an uncomfortable few moments, Michaela took charge and ushered her fiancé, their friend, and her fuming sister across the hall to the clinic. Marjorie wasted no time.
"Michaela, I came here on the family's behalf to convince you to give up this lark and come back to Boston where you belong..." she began, quickly raising a hand as Michaela opened her mouth to argue. "But I admit...after being here for several days and seeing how the townspeople – for the most part – regard you as their physician...and noting that you appear to be content in your new life..."
"Marjorie, please, I..."
"No, let me finish," her sister interrupted, pausing to take a quick breath. Daniel and Sully exchanged glances.
Inclining her head toward Sully in an attempt to soften the blow of her next words, she added, "But you hardly know this man – and he's already proven – more than once from what I understand, that when situations become too difficult for him, he simply leaves for parts unknown."
Sully had the grace to look down at his feet. He certainly couldn't argue with that, though the circumstances made his actions different than how Marjorie saw them.
Tilting her head in a haughty pose, she added, "For the most part, Michaela, even the best of men cannot be trusted."
At this, Daniel grinned and cocked his head to one side, holding Marjorie's gaze when she cast it his way. "Now, Miss Marjorie, maybe you just ain't met the right man yet."
She shrugged and determinedly looked away. "There is no such man."
"Not even Father?" Michaela softly injected. The sisters shared a look and Marjorie had the grace to acquiesce. "Well, perhaps there are a few exceptions..."
"And Sully is one of those exceptions," Michaela firmly stated, moving to her fiancé's side and sliding an arm around him. He quickly enclosed her in his embrace as she gazed up at him with a loving smile. He grinned back and leaned to give her lips a quick peck.
Looking back at her sister, Michaela declared, her tone brooking no further argument, "Marjorie, I appreciate your concern – and Mother's – regarding my future and my happiness...but I've found where I belong," she paused, meeting Sully's eyes again. "And it's here...with this man...in this town. And as for our wedding..."
"Michaela," Sully softly interrupted, gently grasping her left hand in his and lovingly pressing it against his heart. "It don't matter to me where we get married. If you wanna go ta Boston, we'll go ta Boston. That's up to you – all I want is for you to be happy."
She smiled and shook her head. "No Sully – my life is here now, and here is where we'll begin our life together. If Mother can't understand that, well..." she paused, glancing at Marjorie and offering a tiny shrug. "C'est la vie."
