~ I'm a hazard to myself. Don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy, it's bad when you annoy yourself. So irritating. Don't wanna be my friend no more, I wanna be somebody else. ~ Don't Let Me Get Me, by P!nk


Chapter 53

"Don't Let Me Get Me."

7/12/17 - 7/13/17


~ Daisypelt ~

"Mom! Can you tell me about my father?"

"Daisykit, go to sleep…"

"But you promised to tell me yesterday!"

"I promise to tell you when you're older…"

"But I'm four moons old! Berrypaw and Willowpaw are always teasing me about my father never wanting me! Come on, tell me!"

"Daisykit."

"Please, Mom!"

"Stop asking about him! It's better if you never knew him at all!"

"But that's not fair! Darkkit has his father, Berrypaw and Willowpaw both have fathers - why can't you-!"

"Daisykit, you're being very selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. I sacrificed everything for you and this is how you behave?"

"..."

"... Don't bring him up again, you should know better by now."


With sharp gasp of air, Daisypelt feels the sweat cling to her fur. She looks around the den and notices everyone is still asleep, including Ferretleap, who sleeps in her nest and hasn't been disturbed by her abrupt moving.

Daisypelt flattens her ears, recalling the memory.

Why am I being bothered by something so small? Tch, this is the last time I eat before sleeping.

Daisypelt curls up next to Ferretleap and drifts off to sleep.


"Daisypaw, I have some news for you."

Daisypelt looks up from her tuna as Ivystar and Cloudheart pad towards her, much to her annoyance. Cloudheart has been taking up more and more time with Ivystar. It's bad enough that she avoids Daisypelt since she became an apprentice - his apprentice - now she's almost nonexistent.

"You're giving me my warrior name today?"

Ivystar sighs. "Please stop and listen for once?"

Daisypelt notices Cloudheart pressing his flank against Ivystar's, she looks at the two suspiciously.

"I just went to see Acornfur." Ivystar smiles. "And he said I was expecting kits."

Daisypelt slowly frowns and her eyes narrow into slits, as a white hot rage explodes inside her mind.

"What…?"

Ivystar frowns at her reaction. "Daisypaw, this is a great occasion. You should be happy with becoming a big sister."

Her voice is soft and pleading, but Daisypelt hears a tiny hint of command.

"What about never having kits again?" Daisypelt growls. "I was so much of a problem you never wanted it do it again? What's so different about this time?"

"Daisypaw." Cloudheart warns her. "This is a wonderful miracle your mother is having, don't upset her."

Daisypelt curls her lip with fury. "Don't talk to me like you're my father!"

"Daisypaw, he -." Ivystar caught herself. "Technically, he is your father, too, not biologically."

Daisypelt looks at the white tom. "You're the father?! You expect me to accept that?!"

Soon, Daisypelt begins to draw attention to her, Ivystar and Cloudheart.

"Daisypaw, lower your voice and apologize to your father."

"No!" Daisypelt shrieks, bristling her fur. "This cat is not my father! Why you having kits after claiming to hate them so much? Oh, I know! You wanted a replacement for your problem kit - your last chance for a perfect family!"

Ivystar's eyes widen with hurt. Daisypelt stomps on the guilt and replaces it with triumph.

She should be guilty, if she thinks she can get rid of me like a piece of crow-food she's terribly mistaken.

Ivystar's eyes become cold as she towers over Daisypelt. The light grey tabby glares at the silver and white she-cat with defiance.

"Daisypaw, you will leave and gather fish until I say you're done."

"I'm not backing down." Daisypelt snarls.

"I am your leader and mother, you will do as I say."

Daisypelt snickers. "As far as I'm concerned you don't deserve to call yourself a mother."

Ivystar thrusts her muzzle into Daisypelt's, and feels momentary fear.

"Don't make me repeat myself. You will fish alone and never stop until you are obedient! And your warrior ceremony will be delayed by five moons until you apologize to me!"

Daisypelt's paws twitch with fury. Fury with her mother, for keeping her father a secret - and trying to replace him with her mentor and deputy! - and now she has the audacity to demand an apology.

She suddenly feels a tiny scrape of claws hit her shoulder, Cloudheart glares her down.

"Stand down, now." He orders her.

"You know how she treated me as kit." Daisypelt said. "Why are you even defending her?"

"Stop talking." Cloudheart growls, nodding toward the crowd. Cats were staring at Daisypelt with disapproval, disdain, and the apprentices, except for Darkpaw and Ashpaw, were smirking at her humiliation.

"Let this be a lesson to control yourself." He said. "Go."

Ivystar raises her head, looking down from her nose, satisfied with the outcome. Daisypelt glares at her mother, seeing her in a new light.

"I will always hate you. No mother should treat her kits like this."

Daisypelt flees the camp without looking at the stares.

"Daisypaw!" Darkpaw catches up to her. "Ivystar didn't mean it. I mean, she's leader and she's expecting kits, her emotions aren't right at the moment."

"Don't defend her!" Daisypelt snarls. "I thought you were on my side!"

Darkpaw shuffles his paws. "Why can't you talk to her? Tell her…"

"She's too busy replacing me at the moment." Daisypelt growls. "Leave me alone! I have to gather fish."


Was she satisfied seeing Graysky leave? Yes. Daisypelt curls her tail in satisfaction recalling her half-sister's departure.

Graysky is so sweet. If only her sister bothered to be kind as her! Graysky is so pretty, more so than her sister! And Mom did nothing to stop them. Well, now she'll have to suffer for her self righteousness.

Daisypelt sees the ShadowClan cats swim across the stream and watches them enter the camp.

"ShadowClan is attacking!"

Daisypelt follows more slowly as she pretends to drive off the ShadowClan cats. Berrystripe is slashed by a ShadowClan cat, but not lethally - darn. Willowfall struggles against two warriors cornering her - good.

Daisypelt notices Ivystar in the very far back fighting off the last ShadowClan warrior, away from prying eyes.

This is too good to be true!

Daisypelt runs through the crowd until she stops in front of Ivystar and the ShadowClan warrior. Daisypelt and the ShadowClan warrior locked eyes and nod before he runs away.

"Daisypelt - what is the meaning of this?!" Ivystar demands.

Daisypelt sneers at her mother. "You have eyes, don't you?"

"Now is not the time for back talk! Go and help Cloudheart!"

Daisypelt unsheathes her claws and takes slow steps toward Ivystar.

"I bet you'd die for him unlike my father."

Ivystar notices the unmasked fury in her older daughter's eyes.

"What are you doing…? Have you lost your mind as they say? I'm your mother!"

"Hardly." Daisypelt scoffs. She lunges toward Ivystar and pins her down, each claw digs deep into her pelt, stomach, face, flank and neck, Daisypelt made sure each blow was painful for Ivystar to feel.

Every scream Ivystar made was music to Daisypelt's ears.

Feel the pain you caused me! This is all your fault!

Ivystar gurgles in her own blood when Daisypelt backs off.

"Why…? I'm your mother…"

Daisypelt gives her tail a contemptuous flick. "Mothers treat their kits with respect, you just didn't bother to follow the example, now you can think of that as you go to StarClan."

Ivystar whimpers as Daisypelt leaves her to die. "I know… You've become just like him…"

Daisypelt pauses and looks over her shoulder to find Ivystar dead. She huffs and runs out of the territory, out of the lake, leaving without a care for the cats who looked down on her.


Daisypelt snarls awake, startling Ferretleap.

"Will you shut up?" Berrystripe snaps.

"Let's see you sleep in this heat!" Daisypelt growls without looking back at her.

"... If only you died instead of Graysky. She was always better than you."

Daisypelt abruptly leaves the den without waiting for Ferretleap. Minnownose looks at her slightly smug mother. "That was uncalled for!"

"It was true, though." Berrystripe notices Darkwater glaring at her with disapproval as he watches Ferretleap preparing to leave after Daisypelt.

"Leave her." He told the dark brown tom. "She will be fine if she has space to breath. Plus, do you think she'll be any calmer if you checked on her like an upset kit?"

It was meant as teasing, but Ferretleap knew that it wouldn't help Daisypelt with whatever she's going through. He sits back down and tries to wait for her to return.


The nighttime air is not cool enough to get rid of the heat burning in her pelt. Daisypelt flops next on her stomach in front of the lake in the Greenleaf Twolegplace.

Is this your sick joke, StarClan?! She seethes to the stars scattered across the jet black sky.

I know I'm ending up in the Dark Forest like Stonetail! Why do you insist on tormenting me with what I've done?!

You know what you did was horrendous. You hated her, and you would do it again if you had a second chance.

Not today! I… I'm finally feeling like I have something to be happy about, why would I risk this?

Your hatred for Ivystar is always here. You can pretend to not notice it, but it will always be here, festering, growing. You won't be satisfied until you wipe you off the face of StarClan.

SHUT UP!

Daisypelt closes her eyes. A star-pelted cat approaches her and gently touches her flank. "StarClan isn't playing jokes on you. You're doing this to yourself."

Daisypelt stiffens hearing the voice. No, of all cats why her?!

The light grey tabby covers her ears and tries to block it out.

"I know I'm the last cat you want to speak to, but please look at me."

Just being told what to do by her brought up the hatred and resentment in Daisypelt. She glares at the tall, silver and white tabby gazing at her with blue eyes.

Her claws sink into the ground as the old habit resurfaces, Daisypelt wanted to do it again. Clawing Ivystar until there was nothing left.

"Forgive me… I don't know where to begin." Ivystar mutters.

"Let's start with Stonetail."

Ivystar winces at her former mate's name, who is also Daisypelt's long deceased father.

"You could have told me he was a bad cat. You never had to bring up - oh, I don't know, trying-to-murder-Leafstar-and-kill-you-off-while-pregnant thing! But I had to hear it from Cloudstar, your mate, and the tom you forced me to call father!"

"Would you have believed me?" Ivystar challenged. "You still hated me and defied me around every turn. You're telling me you would have believed that Stonetail was a narcissistic murderer?"

"Still, why shut me up about him?!" Daisypelt wail, getting up to stand nose to nose with her mother.

"Why make me feel like I was always wrong and letting the apprentices use him against me! Don't pretend you never hear it or see it, you did, but you did nothing except cozy up to Cloudstar and have kits with him! I was the last to know!"

Ivystar purses her lips. Daisypelt dares her to make up a self righteous and high and mighty excuse.

"... I was wrong." Ivystar finally admits. "I couldn't look at you without seeing your father, so I didn't bother myself to raise you. I didn't even tell you, in fear that you would hate me."

I already did, fish brain. Daisypelt resists the snark, but waits for an excuse.

"In the end you hated me, anyway. I was too stubborn to apologize, and I didn't stop the apprentices from harassing you over your father."

"Why didn't you?"

"... I guess a part of me hated you for being a reminder."

Daisypelt feels as though a lightning bolt struck her with a very, cold numbness in her body.

This is so wrong… Mothers and daughters shouldn't be like this… like us.

"I've had time to think about what I did to you. I shouldn't have treated you so horribly, and favorited Graysky so much, maybe you wouldn't have fallen under Stormstar's spell if I had."

Tears fall from Ivystar's muzzle as she gazes at Daisypelt in warmth she hasn't seen before. "You come so far. You gained an apprentice who trusts you - even though she's in a different Clan, you were able to comfort her with the problems she faced when you were her age, and you found a mate who genuinely cares for you… more than Stonetail did for me."

"Daisypelt, will you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

Should I?

She abandoned you to the foxes! Of course not!

But she came from StarClan to apologize, she never does that!

Is it worth forgetting about the cats telling you that your mother never cared, or your father never existed?

You don't forget, just forgive.

Daisypelt feels her throat dry up and swallows. "I forgive… but I can't forget. One thing is for certain, I will never treat my kits the way you did."

Ivystar dips her head. "I know you won't, and you'll prove it very soon. I love you, my wild daisy."

Ivystar vanishes in starlight, and Daisypelt turns away and leaves without another word.

What did she mean by 'very soon'?


The warriors were already asleep, which was good considering Daisypelt wasn't in the mood to deal with Berrystripe. But Ferretleap waits for her outside the warriors den.

"Are you okay?" He whispers when she approaches him. Daisypelt brushes muzzles with her mate, purring. Surprised, Ferretleap returns the gesture.

"I'm exhausted." She declared, entering the den.

"It still doesn't mean you can sleep through next morning."

"Whatever, Dad."


No, Daisypelt is not expecting kits yet!

Mistleaf's request is still in effect: No more kits until they're all apprenticed and out of the nursery! ~ Kyubi