John!
You ask why would I say those things. Do I not ask myself the same? Why did I speak to you? Why did I not know how to resist my impetuous heart which has seldom been so tried and so has never learned the art of patience and denial. Content to adore you in silence, I had at least the consolation that my love was pure, that my self-imposed restraint kept you safe from grief.
Now you are unhappy and I am the sorry cause. But please know that your unhappiness is nothing compared to mine. You cannot know what torments I have suffered. For so long I believed I had no heart, that love was a myth, but then I met you. At first you were an entertaining companion, then you grew to a friend—something I have so seldom had—but then…can you understand how I could not believe my own feelings? How your presence became essential to me? How it caused me pain when we were apart and all my other entertainments failed to arouse anything in me but disdain for I finally understood what true love was?
I tried so hard to resist, John, you must believe me, for I feared exactly this, that you would be hurt and that in your hurt you would withdraw from me, and I fear that I shall not be able to bear that. It is not that I expect you to reciprocate my love. I know that you are far too good to waste your feelings on one such as me. It is that very nobility which has made me fall in love with you. And yes, I am in love, of that I am certain. For the first time in my life. I wish nothing more than to be near you.
It was your very nobility that caused me to speak. I felt I could not deceive one so honest. But now…please, I beg you, erase all I said from your mind. Let us return to what we were before. I shall sublimate my feelings, lock them away, though I know they will not fade. I will never trouble you again with their presence. I cannot bear to lose your friendship. I fear it would be the death of me and I do not exaggerate. This heart you have awakened in me hurts too much to bear your loss. Do not abandon me to the frenzy in which you have plunged me: lend me your reason since you have ravished mine.
Your friend,
Sherlock
