It wasn't fair. Derek Shepherd would admit it. It wasn't fair. It was bullshit. He hated it. It was not fair. It had been a week. She had been in the psychiatric part of the hospital for a week. There weren't getting anywhere with her. It seemed they had taken to drugging her out of her mind and dealing with it that way. Every time they would try to take her off, she would wake up screaming and trying to flee.
The one battle that Derek had won with them was the battle of restraints. He absolutely refused to restrain her. There was no way that he would have them take her off of the meds and tie her down. That to him was imprisonment. He didn't even see how that would help anything. All that did was confirm that everyone was out to get her, and she could not fight for herself.
"Dr. Donaldson!" Derek shouted as he ran down the hallway. He had to pass through the doors. That floor was on lockdown and only certain people could get on it. Not only did he have to be on a list, but he had to be searched too. "Hey!" Derek shouted.
The doctor was walking away from him. He seemed to have picked up his pace when he heard Derek's voice. Derek was not surprised. The man had been avoiding him like the plague. The man was unwilling to listen to Derek. He said he had his own treatment plans and he didn't have to listen to Derek. It seemed since they were divorced, Derek lost all rights to look over Meredith's medical care.
"You better stop." Derek warned as he ran up. The doctor stopped and spun around. Derek glared into the man's cold eyes. He was a thorn in the doctor's side, he already knew that. "Thank you." Derek muttered with a clenched jaw. "I would like to know what is going on with my wife." Derek said frankly. He may have been pushing the man too far, but this was Meredith that he was so worried about.
"Ex-wife. I believe you are divorced?" He asked smartly as he looked at Derek. Derek had no idea why he was so insistent on fighting him about her treatment.
"Meredith is- What is going on with her?" Derek asked as he looked at him. He wanted to grab her chart, but he knew he carried no rights as far as that was concerned.
"Your- Meredith is quite troubled. Every attempt we have made to communicate with here has been fruitless. We cannot get through to her. The sedatives make her comfortable." He explained as he read over a chart, not even looking at Derek.
"No. The sedatives make life easier for you. It doesn't make her comfortable. It makes it so that no one has to deal with helping her. I will not allow you to drug her up and throw her in a closet. She is my wife. She is the mother of my child. She has been through a terrible trauma. Why is it so goddamn hard for you to fucking treat her? Isn't this your fucking job, you crack-pipe!" Derek screamed as the vein in his neck started to bulge.
"Dr. Shepherd, if you don't calm down, I will be forced to have you removed from the hospital, or at the very least, this floor." He told him frankly.
Derek took a moment to breathe. Not that it was any excuse, but he was sure that this doctor was overworked. He knew he should be doing his job, but he could see how tough it could be. Derek knew he shouldn't have gotten into that field if it wasn't what he wanted, but he knew that he had to attempt to make peace with him for Meredith's sake. He had to be her advocate. While he had no legal right, he could be kind and see where that got him.
"Look... I know she isn't my wife anymore. But I have to say, if I hadn't screwed up, she still would be. It is my fault that I lost her. But even if she isn't my wife anymore, I still love her. She will always be the love of my life. She is the mother of my child. This is a child that isn't going to have a mother if you can't help her. It's not just me... There are people that rely on her. There are people that care. We can't lose her. Losing her is like losing the sun. We need the sun to live. And I know you are overworked, and I know that she is a difficult case. I do know that. But I love her. And I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make this right. So I beg you, if you can't do it, tell me who can. I will send her to the finest place in the world. I just want the love of my life back." Derek said genuinely. He could tell he was getting through to the man.
"I understand. See, your wife's- Meredith's case is complex. She is suffering from an extreme case of post-traumatic stress syndrome. She went through an amazing trauma. And I won't lie, I am having some difficulty with this. She is not responding. I cannot get her calm enough to communicate. I honestly think she needs further treatment at a facility. I have a few I can recommend. Some are father away. There is one in Arizona that is exemplary. I think if she has any chance of recovering, she should go there." He told him with a smile. "And I would make the recommendation."
"Thank you." Derek said with a relieved sigh. "You have no idea- Just... Thank you. I am willing to go wherever I need to. I just need her back." Derek explained as he leaned against the wall.
"I will look into the place in Arizona when I am done doing this evaluation. I will handle the necessary paperwork. I like to see my patients recover. If I can't get them there, I want to find away to do so." He told him with a nod. "She is over there. We moved her room. You should go see her." Derek nodded. For the first time in awhile, he had hope.
--
Derek stuck his key in the door. He hated being at the hospital, and he hated going home. It seemed like no matter where he went, he was unhappy. The only time he was happy was when Meredith's hand was in his. But when her hand was in his, it was a once-sided conversation that went no where. Whenever he would get discouraged or upset, he would tell himself to be thankful that she was alive. He had to be thankful that Craig hadn't killed her. He hadn't killed her physically, even if he had killed her soul.
"Daddy's home!" He heard her kind voice say. She was so good with Liam. He had gotten used to hearing it at the end of his long days with Meredith. It was welcoming.
"LP!" Derek said loudly as he rushed over and pulled a Liam from her arms. "How is daddy's big guy?" He asked as he gave him a kiss. "Give dad a kiss."
"Da!" Liam said loudly as he pressed his sloppy lips against Derek's cheek.
"He missed his dad. He has been talking about you all day. Weren't you talking about your dad? Dad this... Dad that..." She told him with her sparkling brown eyes.
"Da... Lee pay..." Liam said with a giggle as he wiggled in Derek's arms. "Lee down." He told him clear as a bell. Liam had been getting better with his speech. It seemed like everyday was a new day and he was learning more.
"Okay, LP... You play. Dad will talk for a minute." Derek said with a nod as he sat his son down. Liam was immediately off and running. "Hey, Lee... Did you go potty in my big boy potty?" Derek asked. Liam screamed happily and ran away. "Did he?"
"He is getting better." She told him with a nod. "He has accidents, but if I make it a game, he is all in it." She explained as she crossed her arms and watched him zoom through the house. "So how is she?" She asked as she looked into his blue eyes. His eyes were what pulled her into him in the first place. He had a way of talking through his eyes and she found it amazing.
"She's the same." Derek said with a frown as he walked into the kitchen. Liam was dragging around his favorite stuffed dog. He would clutch it in his hands and run like the wind. Derek was still amazed his strength. He got stronger by the day... And she was missing it all. "They are almost ready for her. Even with the recommendation, she had to wait on the list. They are looking at Monday." Derek explained as he looked up at her. She smiled lightly. Sometimes her smile would brighten his mood. Not often but she did have that ability.
"Well, that is good, I guess. What do they think? Do they think she will ever pull out of this?" She asked as she brushed her hair from her face. She ran her fingers through her hair, awaiting a response from him.
"What the hell do you mean?" Derek snapped. She looked at him in shock. He snapped at her. She rarely saw him get angry, but she was seeing it now. Derek was irate. It was as if she were insinuating that Meredith may not get better. It was as if she thought she would forever be somewhere else. If that was the way people were thinking, that was the wrong way. Meredith didn't need their mean spirits and their bad juju. "Meredith will be fine! She will wake up and be fine." Derek said as he looked into her eyes with a clenched jaw.
"I hope so, Derek. I do. But she has been in there a month. She- I don't want to do or say this-" She told him as she cocked her head and frowned.
"Then don't! I don't need your negativity. Meredith needs positivity. I don't know what in the hell you are thinking!" Derek spat as he looked away.
"You are optimistic. And Derek, I am optimistic too. But sometimes you can't be optimistic. Sometimes you have to accept reality. Meredith may not be okay. And if she isn't, you will have to move on. If she isn't... You will have to make things right... For your son." She told him with a nod as she looked over at Liam, who was jabbering away at nothing.
"Yes, I am optimistic. And I will continue to be. It's called hope. She will wake up. If you- I don't need you saying otherwise. I don't need to hear that shit." Derek told her as he picked up the mail and tossed it across the counter. She placed her hand softly on his arm and looked into his eyes.
"I won't say it. But... I don't want to see you hurt. No one should hurt like this." She explained as she pulled away. "Liam..." She said happily as she rushed over to him.
Derek drew in a breath. He couldn't give up. Even when everyone was telling him to, he couldn't. It had been a month. A month was nothing. A month was thirty days. Four weeks. That was just a little time. She needed to heal. Physically and mentally she needed to heal. He would wait. Even if he was the only one left, he would wait.
"So when are you having her moved?" She asked as she looked into his eyes. Derek looked away. He didn't want to see her. He didn't want to see brown, he wanted to see green.
"We're moving to Arizona on Monday. I already got a place." Derek told her as he grabbed his son from her hands.
"We're moving? Derek... You never asked me. I had no idea..." She told him as she took in a breath and let it out with a huff. Derek looked at her and raised his brows.
Derek stared at her in shock. He wasn't even sure how it got to this point. He wasn't sure why she was even thinking that going along with he and Liam to Arizona was even an option. He had never once thought that she would go. He thought of her as a good friend, but that was all. She was a good friend when he really needed one. Derek thought back to how it all came about, wondering of he had done anything to make her think it was more.
Derek pounded the steering wheel of his Land Rover in anger. It was yet another day of no change. She was on the waiting list, but she wasn't getting any better. She was either laying in the bed drugged out of her mind, or she was awake and screaming like someone was choking the life out of her. He couldn't take it. He was at his wits end.
Derek climbed out of his car and looked around the garage. The garage was the last place he remembered her being the way she was. Then night Craig attacked her she got out of his car and never thought that anything was amiss. If he had known, he would have protected her. He shouldn't have let her go in the house first. He shouldn't have left her downstairs. There were so many things he shouldn't have done.
"Hey Erin." Derek said as he walked in. She looked flustered. He could tell by the look on her face that she was upset with Liam.
"Dr. Shepherd." She muttered as she shoved her books in her bag. She wasn't even looking at him. She was avoiding eye contact. Derek had a feeling in the pit of his stomach and he didn't like it.
"Is everything okay?" Derek asked quickly. He didn't like anyone having feelings about him or his family. He wanted everything out in the open. He wanted to know what was going through her head.
"Yes." Erin said sharply. Her books weren't going in easily and he could see her getting frustrated. "Fine." She grumbled as she rammed her book in.
"Are you sure? Thinks don't seem fine to me." Derek pointed out as she glanced up and he looked him in the eyes. "In fact, you seem far from fine." He had learned what fine meant. Meredith had taught him the meaning of fine all too well.
"You know what? I'm not fine! I am so not fine, it's not even funny. Do you want to know why I am not fine? I will tell you why I am not fine. Your wife murdered someone. She was nice and great and all of that. But she snapped and killed someone. Now she can't seem to get a grasp on life. That's her prerogative. But you know what? None of this is my problem. It's not. And somehow it has become my problem. Somehow I am the one stuck with a mess. Your kid will not pee in the toilet. That is his mom's job. His mom should teach him that. And I am stuck here listening to him cry for mama or pee on the floor. I can't deal anymore. I can't do this. So that is it. I quit. I'm done. I won't be back tomorrow." She said in a huff as she rushed to the door.
Derek didn't say a word. He stood the in shock as she disappeared. She had obviously been under too much stress. He never thought that she was having a hard time. He never demanded that she work, he had always asked nicely if she could. He tried not to leave here with Liam for longer than she could handle. And now she walked out. When he needed her help, she had no problem just walking away Derek shook his head as he stood there. He had no idea what he was going to do next.
Derek walked up to Liam's nursery and looked in at his tired boy. Erin had been extremely flustered. She had been more than upset. He was praying that she hadn't lost her temper with his boy. He had never seen any signs of abuse. He didn't think she was that type. That was why she snapped at Derek. She snapped at Derek because she couldn't snap at Liam. Derek stroked the top of his dark head and frowned. He was the one suffering here. He was the one begging for his mom, day in and day out.
"I'm sorry, LP. Daddy really is sorry. We are working on getting mama home for you, big guy. We are." Derek told him as he stood there. He heard the door bell ring loudly as he checked the baby monitor. Derek rushed down the stairs and opened the door.
"Hey, Derek." Addison and Mark said as they stood outside. Derek was happy to see his friends, but at the same time, he was upset that they were there. He just wanted a minute. He needed to break down. "You look- Is everything okay?" Addison asked softly.
"Erin just quit. Liam's nanny just walked out. She said Mer was nuts and she was tired of cleaning up Liam's pee. She just quit. Just like that. It was like she never even cared. She quit, and I don't know what to do now. What the hell do I do?" Derek asked as he looked at his best friends.
"Oh my god." Mark said in disgust. "She just up and left? What the hell is that?" He questioned as he looked around.
"It's called being young and stressed out." Addison said quickly. "This affects her too. It affects everyone." She told him sadly as he hugged Derek.
"I have to find someone. I will need someone for Liam. I can't drag him there. He can't even go on that floor. I just don't know what to do anymore. He cries for her. He wants his mom. I can't help him. By the time she gets out, he may have forgotten about her. Damn it! I just need her better. I need her to wake up and be okay." Derek said as he turned away. If the food gate burst, he didn't want them to get soaked.
"He will see her. She will be okay, Derek. I looked into this facility in Arizona. I think it will help her. And as far as a nanny.. We will help you out until you find someone." Mark told him with a smile. Derek nodded his head in agreement. He was just too worn down to fight it. Little did he know he would find someone to take care of Liam. And she would be on him like white on rice.
