A/N1: Pay attention to the date for the last scene.
Chapter 43:
The Demon With My Ex-Husband's Face
This is set on Thursday May 18th 2006.
''There is no more lovely, friendly, or charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.'' Martin Luther King
Third Person's POV
As the pain from the contraction slowly faded away Andy took a small piece of paper out of her pocket and unfolded it. Grabbing a pen from the kitchen counter she quickly jotted down the date and time of it. After her latest check up with Lu she had decided to keep track of them; to calm Milo down, get Lu off her back and so she herself could relax. She looked up as Milo walked back into the kitchen after having gone to use the bathroom. They had been playing Sixty-six - a two-person card game - for a while and she figured it was as a good a time as ever to bring up what she wanted to talk to him about.
Remembering that it was Thursday, Milo looked at his wife as he sat back down at the kitchen table, ''I'm surprised you don't have an appointment with Miranda today,'' he said, referring to her therapist.
''I decided to call off today's appointment,'' Andy told him as she looked up from the cards in her hands, ''I'm actually thinking about not going at all anymore.''
Milo looked up from his cards with a surprised look on his face, ''you think you're ready for that?'' He asked her, hearing the doubt in his own voice.
Andy took a deep breath, ''well, like you said, it's about time I started talking to you more - instead of sharing everything with Lu and Miranda, it might be better if I shared it with you,'' she told him.
''I'm not a psychiatrist,'' he reminded her.
Andy gave him a slight smile, ''I know,'' she responded.
''When I said that I was angry,'' Milo told her. ''Yes, I do want you to talk more about what's going on with you, so I can help you. But I'm not a psychiatrist who can help you deal with... everything.'' He said.
''I know,'' Andy responded again as she took a deep breath.
Milo remained silent for a few seconds as he weighed his next words carefully, ''no matter how much I wish I could help you, I can't when it comes to this. And yes, I want you to talk to me, but even more than that I want you to get the help you need so you can move on.''
''All I'm saying is that whenever I've gone to see her I just feel worse, not better. That can't be good,'' Andy told him.
''That just happens because you're working through it, and then once you have you can leave it behind you,'' Milo told her. When Andy didn't respond he took her hand in his, ''surgery might hurt, but it cures - I think that's also the case here.''
Andy let those words sink in as she watched him stand up and fill the kettle to make tea, ''you really think this is for the best?'' She asked him - he was there for all the downhills she had had in the past couple of months, she just figured he might have a more objective point of view than her despite that.
''Therapy might not always be a smooth ride but putting broken people back together is Miranda's job, if it didn't work she wouldn't be doing this,'' Milo told her.
Andy frowned as she stood up, her tea-mug in her hand, ''broken people?'' She asked him.
Milo turned away from the counter to look at her, ''I didn't mean-''
''Is that how you see me?'' Andy asked him, her jaw dropped a little bit. She knew she had been a bit of an emotional mess since her rape, her pregnancy not making it any easier - but for him to think of her that way still hurt.
''I'm not saying you are broken, I'm saying that it would be understandable if you were,'' Milo said - trying to explain his train of thought but failing miserably.
''But you are saying that I am, otherwise you would've used to different words,'' Andy told him.
''Honey, I didn't mean it as bad thing,'' Milo said to her.
Andy gave him a look, ''no, it's a real compliment!'' She told him sarcastically. She could feel tears build in her eyes as the words stung her heart, but she refused to let them fall. Letting her emotions get the better of her would only make his case right now.
Milo could see she was holding the tears back, ''Andy,'' he said softly, he didn't want to tell her that it was okay to cry - knowing that right now she would only get more upset.
When one of the tears rolled down her cheek he moved his hand up to wipe it away with his thumb - only to have her flinch and jump back at the movement.
Andy knew that what had just happened was exactly what Milo had meant but she didn't want to acknowledge it. They just looked at each other for a few moments before she turned on her heel and walked out the kitchen.
Andy could feel Milo laying down next to her on the bed, her back to him - they hadn't talked to each other since their fight in the kitchen. He had stayed downstairs while she was taking a shower - his words replaying in her head over and over again.
When she was in the army she had learned not to let her emotions show - male soldiers already expecting her to be soft simply for being a woman, and she was constantly proving them wrong. Through all the things she had seen happen on the battlefield she had learned to be strong and distance herself from things that were happening to other people - as well as to herself from time to time. The only person she had ever truly see beneath that facade was Les - and he had only hurt her as a response.
How was she supposed to let her guard down in front of Milo without risking the same thing happening?
The question wasn't as much if she trusted him, but if she trusted herself. And that proved to have a far more complicated answer.
She looked over her shoulder at him, their eyes locking. She simply stared at him for a few seconds before turning back on her side and looking back at the green light coming from her alarm clock.
After a few seconds she could feel him lay down behind her, his arms around her. She could feel his hot breath on her neck as she fell asleep.
''Could you look at me while we're talking to each other?'' Les asked her.
Andy looked up from the toys in her hands - with Jesse almost being three-years-old it seemed that all she was doing all day was picking up toys and cleaning up the house. The little girl was currently napping and it was only a matter of time before she woke up and the house would be a mess again. ''You were the one who wanted the house to be cleaned before your parents come over for dinner, and I can't look at you and clean the house at the same time,'' Andy said back - she tried to keep her voice low so Jesse wouldn't hear them and wake up.
As she picked up the plates from the table and walked into the kitchen to clean them she could hear Les follow her. ''Can't you wait until we finish talking about this?'' Les asked, waving the papers that were the subject of their current little quarrel in front of her face. He had been offered a job at a big firm, the only downside was the fact that they'd have to move.
After finally moving out of her parents' house, Andy had promised she would never move again once she had kids, not wanting her own children to go through the same things she had to go through as a child.
''It's a great opportunity,'' Les reminded her.
''I know,'' Andy said as she walked back out into the living room, picking up some more stuff to throw away.
''But?'' Les asked, still following her.
Andy let out a sigh, ''could you just let that go for one minute and help me with this?'' She asked frustrated as she motioned at the mess.
''And could you just forget about that for a moment and talk to me about this?'' Les asked, mimicking her tone of voice.
Andy threw him an exasperated look, ''unbelievable,'' she muttered to herself as she walked away from him again.
''What was that?'' He asked with a frown, hoping he had heard her wrong.
''Nothing,'' she said, not bothering to look back at him.
''What?!'' Les asked, ''is the fact that I just got this amazing job-offer that awful to you?'' He asked her.
''I just don't think we should move,'' Andy told him.
''Jesse isn't even in school yet, it's not like she's losing any friends,'' Les told her.
''But-'' Andy began, she was already heading back into the living room but was cut off by Les grabbing her by the shoulder.
Turning back to him she was just about to ask him to let her go but was stepped when he grabbed the bottom of her face with his hand - forcing her to look at him, ''just look at me while you're talking to me!'' He told her. ''Is that so difficult?'' He asked her and she could feel his grip becoming tighter with every word, making it feel as if her jaw was going to break.
Andy just looked at him in fear, when he didn't let go she swallowed hard, ''you're hurting me,'' she said quietly - trying not to show the pain too much. After a few seconds - which felt longer - he finally let her go, pushing her back a bit. He gave her one last look before walking away, shaking his head in frustration the meantime.
As Andy woke up her hand immediately went to her face - it had felt so real that the only confirmation she had that it hadn't really happened was the fact that her face didn't hurt. Except that wasn't entirely true, since it had happened, years earlier. It was the first time Les had ever been aggressive in a physical way towards her and it was one of the moments she would never forget.
Make up had been able to cover the small bruises on her face at the time - making them practically invisible until they faded away almost a week and a half later.
She could hear Milo quietly snoring behind her as his hands softly stroked her ever growing baby-bump. She put her own hands over his, snuggling against him a little closer before allowing sleep to take her over again.
Friday May 19th 2006.
Andy could feel butterflies in her stomach as she stared into his eyes as he stared back into hers. They had been laying like this for a few minutes now, not a word had been spoken since they woke up. She could see Milo lick his lips before he spoke, ''I'm sorry about what I said,'' he told her.
''I know you are,'' Andy replied with a small smile.
''It wasn't right for me to say that about you and-'' Milo continued.
Andy stopped him mid-sentence, ''it's okay. Really.'' She told him.
He frowned, ''are you sure?'' He asked her.
''Yeah,'' she said. ''You didn't say it to hurt me and... even if you do think I'm 'broken', you're still here.''
Milo smiled at her, ''I'll always be here,'' he said.
''You promise?'' She asked.
''I vowed to love, honor, respect and comfort you,'' Milo reminded her. ''Forever,'' he added, holding up his left hand with his weddingring on it.
''Forever,'' she repeated, grabbing his hand and holding it in her own before kissing his lips.
''And I want you to know that I'll never hurt you,'' Milo said, remembering the night before. ''I can't promise that I'll never let anything slip that might come out the wrong way - last night proved that, but I'll never hit you.''
''I know,'' Andy said. ''I mean, in my head I know that and in my heart I trust you, it's just a reflex. It has nothing to do with you.''
Milo smiled at her, ''I'm glad.''
''Good morning,'' Andy said as she walked up to the front desk of the RWHC. ''Any messages?'' She asked as she looked at Lana - considering how early in the morning it was she doubted it, but she always checked nonetheless.
''Just one; Carmen Campbell called, she was looking for you,'' Lana replied, looking up from the computer.
Andy frowned at the sound of her former mother-in-law's name, ''Carmen called?'' She asked, hearing the shock in her own voice. She looked at Lana as she took the pink post it note from her.
''Yeah, she just asked me to ask you to call her back,'' Lana told her. Seeing the look on the doctor's face she added, ''is everything okay?''
''Sure,'' Andy responded as she trailed off. She looked at the short note for a few moments before looking back at Lana, she cleared her throat, ''any other messages?'' She asked. Getting a short 'no' in response she walked to her office and closed the door behind her.
As soon as she heard it close behind her she let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.
She sat down behind her desk and glanced over at the clock, she had just ten minutes before her first appointment - that oughtta be enough. She ran a hand through her hair before picking up the horn - hesitating for a moment before dialing the familiar number. It had to be the last thing she'd expected to do that morning. She hadn't had any contact with Les' mother since she had picked the girls up from the airport the Sunday after the funeral.
It was just a matter of seconds before she heard the phone being picked up, ''Carmen,'' was the brief greeting she got from the other woman.
Andy swallowed, ''hi,'' she said, ''it's Andy.''
''Oh hi,'' Carmen said and Andy could hear the fake cheeriness in the woman's voice. ''You know; I tried to call you earlier but your receptionist told me you weren't in yet, but you didn't answer your home phone either,'' she told her. Andy kept quiet as she tried to think of something to say. She had never gotten along with Les' mother and talking to her made her nervous. However, before she could respond Carmen started talking again: ''I just wanted to let you know that I send you two letters, one for you and one for the girs. They'll probably come in the mail today or tomorrow.''
''What?'' Andy asked, a little responded. Carmen had never send her a letter, not even when Les was still alive, and since his death she hadn't been involved in any of their lives.
''When he killed himself they found three letters in the hotel room, one of them was for Aidan and me, the second was for you and the third one was for Jesse and Lizzy. I thought you should have yours,'' she said.
Andy frowned, ''it's been five months since the funeral, why did you wait so long?'' She asked.
Carmen kept quiet for a few seconds, ''I wasn't sure you should have them,'' she replied honestly.
''Why not?'' Andy asked.
Carmen sighed, ''just a feeling,'' she responded.
''Hi mom,'' Lizzy said as she walked into her mother and stepfather's bedroom.
''Hey sweetheart,'' Andy responded, looking up from the notepad in front of her.
''What are you doing?'' Lizzy asked as she sat down on the bed, next to her mom.
Andy looked down at it, it was a pro and con list regarding her decision on whether or not to accept the nomination. She was making it to keep her mind off of the letter Carmen had sent her that hadn't arrived yet, as well as for the actual decision. She sighed - the truth was, everytime she tried to write down a reason to go for it she remembered the dream she had had the night before.
That fight had let to them moving for the first time after having kids and all Andy could remember was why she didn't want to move back then. But this was different, right? Lizzy had friends in Washington already, so that would make it easier. And it wasn't as if she was throwing Milo's life completely upside down... except she was. And that was what made it all the more difficult.
''I am making a list,'' she told her youngest daughter.
Lizzy looked at it, ''you don't have a lot of reasons to do it, do you?'' She asked jokingly, seeing that the pro-bar was completely empty. ''What is it for?'' She asked after a few seconds.
Andy looked over at the thirteen-year-old. ''I've been nominated for the post of surgeon general,'' she told the girl - knowing that Lizzy probably wouldn't know exactly what that meant. ''If I accept the nomination and get hired, we'd have to move back to Washington,'' she added.
Lizzy frowned, ''move back?'' She asked.
''Yeah,'' Andy said, ''how would you feel about that?'' Lizzy was quiet as she thought about it - but even without answering Andy could already see that she didn't want to move back.
''But I go to school here, my friends are here,'' Lizzy began.
''You have friends in Washington,'' Andy reminded her, trying to remain gentle.
''That I haven't talked to in forever!'' Lizzy told her as she stood up from the bed.
''Lizzy-'' Andy began.
''I don't want to move back!'' Lizzy shouted at her as she ran out of the room.
After a few seconds Andy could hear a door slam and loud music starting, ''that went well,'' Andy told herself.
As she wrote down the fact that Lizzy didn't want to move back in the con-bar she heard the door open again, looking up she saw Milo walking in and shutting the door behind him, ''what happened?'' He asked concerned.
''I told Lizzy about possibly moving back to Washington,'' Andy told him. ''She didn't take it too well.''
''I figured that,'' Milo responded with a smile as he sat down next to his wife on the bed.
''Do you think I'd be selfish if I wanted to take the nomination?'' Andy asked him. Milo was quiet as he looked at her. ''Just be honest,'' she told him.
''To be successful you have to be selfish, or else you never achieve,'' Milo told her, ''Michael Jordan said that, and I think it's true.'' He could see in her eyes that that didn't help her decision.
''So you think that if I take it I'm being selfish?'' She asked him.
Milo shrugged, ''I guess it's what you consider succesful. You might consider becoming Surgeon General being succesful, but that's just career wise. You're already succesful at being a mom and being a great wife.''
''And you think I'll lose that if I take the nomination?'' Andy asked.
''I can't see into the future,'' Milo said. ''All I'm saying is that you have to figure out what's most important to you - what you'd most like to be succesful at - and what you think will make you happy, and choose that. And no matter what that might be, I'll be there.''
Wednesday September 4th 2002.
Les let out a chuckle in disbelief, ''are you kidding me? All these years that we've been together, everytime I wanted to move you kept bitching that we shouldn't. And now we're settled down in Washington and you want to move all of a sudden?'' He asked her, trying to make sense of her logic.
''Your company has crashed-'' she began before being interrupted.
''Wow, thanks for reminding me - hearing it the first hundred times wasn't enough,'' Les told her sarcastically.
''Look, I got a job offer to work at a Women's Clinic in Philadelphia, the pay isn't spectacular but it's good enough. It can put us back on our feet and maybe in a while you can try to start over,'' Andy told him. She knew that ever since his company had gone bankrupt every mention of work related stuff was a sensitive issue, and the fact that she had just been offered a job while he wasn't getting any work, wasn't making it any easier.
''Honey,'' she began, against better judgement she put a hand on his shoulder in an attempt of comfort him. As he shoved her away from him she tried not to take it personally. Taking a deep breath as she steadied herself back on her feet she looked at him. ''I have to take it,'' she said and figured that the cold hard truth - no matter how he'd take it - was just what was needed. ''There's no prosprect of you getting any job anytime soon and this is the best option.''
''Well, thanks for believing in my capability,'' he responded, taking her words the wrong way.
''You know I believe in you,'' Andy responded sincerely - she truly did, but she also knew that at the moment not a lot of other people did.
Les looked at her with a cold stare for a few seconds before responding, ''I think it's best if you just shut up now.'' He told her before looking out the window - not wanting to look at her anymore as she continued to put him down.
''Les...'' she began.
''What did I just tell you?!'' He shouted at her as he looked back at her. ''Are you listening to me?'' He asked her, his eyebrows raised as he waited for an answer. Andy bit her lip, knowing that there wasn't a correct response when he was like this. ''Hello. You awake?'' He asked her annoyed. He looked at the table on the right of him and saw his coffee-mug standing there. When Andy still hadn't responded after a few seconds he picked it up and threw the coffee in her face.
Andy could feel the hot coffee hit her face and let out a soft yelp - she knew it wasn't hot enough to actually burn her, but it was hot enough to hurt.
''Can you hear me now?'' Les asked her in a taunting voice.
Andy simply looked at him, not knowing what else to say or do. ''I'll be upstairs,'' she told him as she pulled her wet shirt off of her skin.
''Yeah, I thought so.'' Les said as he watched her walk away.
''People have scars. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal history. Diagrams of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.''
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