I apologize
That your memory serves you more than I can now
You'll have to make sense of my life somehow
Yeah, somehow

Well, I close my eyes
Remove each piece of armor one by one
Inhale this moment deep into my lungs
Make amends for all I've done

All of my devils are free at last
And all my secrets revealed
And your permission is all I
Need to heal


Chapter 51: Permission

Reid was registered at the Vanguard Treatment Center, men's Pheonix program, in Arlington, Virginia. The transition was rough. The first few weeks were near agony for Reid, but the support he had from his friends and the counsellors got him through them. He worked with everyone, making desisions about his life. First, he allowed the team to start packing up his apartment, and picking out a new place for him to live. Second he got a new cell phone, with a new number; unlisted. They worked as best they could to erase any trace of him from public records that could be tracked by Connors. Garcia worked her magic as best she could and finally Reid felt safe.

He relaxed into the program rather smoothly after that. Getting into old habits, like writing his mother every day. A month passed with Reid attending individual and group meetings. He made progress, learning the tools he needed to stay sober. As he got closer to his final month the excitement and nervousness grew. When the time came for 'family meetings' Reid asked if he could have the team in, as his family. There was a small discussion amoungst the counsellors to which they finally agreed.

As he stood infront of the mirror in his private room he straightened his hair and clothes, wearing a dark blue/light blue sweater vest, and tie. He was a little jittery but knew if he fussed over himself any more then he'd be late for the meeting.

Leaving the room he walked to the comfortable meeting room the facility had and let himself inside. His primary councellor was already there, making some coffee for the guests that they'd be having. Reid walked over to him with a small smile.

"Are you excited, Spencer?" he asked.

"Yes. And nervous. I haven't seen them for two months." Reid replied.

"No, but you've talked to them You know they support you. Don't forget that."

"Thanks Alan. I know. They're the best."

"You should tell them that, not me."

The coffee tricked to a stop in the pot and they each poured some in a styrofoam cup; Reid's cup was treated to an extra helping of sugar before he took a seat on one of the couches and comfortable arm chairs that were arrainged in an odd circle. He crossed his legs and tapped his foot in the air glancing at the door every time there was movement outside it.

He jumped slightly when the door actually opened, and the people he most wanted to see entered the room. He stood, but hesitated going over to them, as Alan introduced himself, and got their names. "Ahh, yes, Spencer has told me a lot about all of you. Come sit down and we'll get started."

Reid figeted with the watch positioned over his sleeve, as they drew closer and looked at him. Their smiles were comforting, and he smiled back. Gideon stepped forward and offered him a hug, which he accepted, and then sat down again.

Alan started by explaining the process they had been working on. Telling the team the skills Reid was learing, and what they could do to help when he finally left. "Now, I understand you're all work colleeges. In the third section of our treatment program we encourage our patients," he glanced at Reid, "to find work and hold down a job, in order to deal with the stresses real life offers. It's the only way to know if you're ready to put to use all the skills you've learned. Spencer has told me that he has a job with you, is that right."

Hotch nodded once, "Yes, but we can't take him back until he finishes the program completely. We are a government agency afterall. Plus we travel a lot, I don't want to put that kind of stress on Reid yet. Or have him miss meetings."

Reid frowned slightly, "I get that, but I can still attend meetings anywhere we go."

Hotch glanced at him, "And I expect you to, but not yet."

Alan looked between them, "It is very important he gets outside experience during this last month."

"Can I volunteer? I don't want to work for anyone else, Hotch." The comment made Hotch smile slightly. "Maybe I could give some of my time at the clinic? I know Cilia would like to see me again, and she'll keep me on track."

Alan started shaking his head, "A clinic environment, especially one with a needle exchange program, and regular addicts coming in and out isn't a good place to put yourself Spencer."

"I'll be dealing with a lot worse people when I go back to work. Dealing with things that make absolutely no sense. A side of humanity that many would consider pure evil. A few drunks and addicts are going to just be a speedbump to that mountain. I need to start somewhere, and I know I can do this. And I won't be alone." Reid pleaded.

Alan's expression was hesitant, "I'll talk with the other councellors and see what they say about it. Now, is there anything you guys would like to say?" He indicated to the team.

It was silent for a while before Morgan smiled, "Is the coffee here any better than ones at police stations?" He laughed and Reid joined in.

"No, not really. The sugar helps though."

"So," Hotch this time, "how are you doing, really?"

"Good. Really good. At least I think I am. No slips, no cravings, I feel so much better. I didn't realise how miserable I was before. Being here has really helped."

They all smiled, Garcia's bigger than anyone elses, "I'm so glad you came here, sugar. When you get out, we'll have an ice cream and movie night in your new pad, kay?"

Reid chuckled, "That sounds perfect."

Prentiss nodded at him, "You look good. So much more... healthy."

Reid nodded back, "I feel healthy. I've gained some weight back, eating regularly. It's all really good. I only have myself to blame for letting it get so out of control like it did. No one else put me here, but me."

JJ shook her head with a small snort of a laugh, "Right, so you don't blame me for anything? It's all my fault anything happened to you in the first place."

"JJ." Hotch said in a repremanding tone.

"No no," Alan spoke up, "this is good. This is what these meetings are for. All this needs to get out in the open. Spencer do you have anything you'd like to say in response."

"Yeah, I do. JJ, it's not your fault at all. I wanted to split up that day, not you. I went into the cornfeild without waiting for backup. I was the one that hid the problem from all of you. JJ, you're the one that got this ball rolling, got me closer to recovery by finding it out and telling everyone. I need to thank you."

JJ remained silent, looking away. Alan addressed Reid again. "Is there anything else you would like to say?"

Reid thought for a moment, licking his lips. "Just that I'm sorry for everything. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn. I'm just glad that all of my secrets are out now, and the demons I'd been holding onto are gone. I've been stripped down to my very core by being here, and now it's time for me to make ammends. So, Gideon," he started on one side of the group, "I'm sorry I treated you so badly. That I lied to you over and over. Broke promises." Reid held up a hand to stop Gideon from replying as he moved on. "Hotch, I'm sorry I jeopardized the cases we were on. I put the whole team in danger by hiding my problem, not just myself. I put your job at risk too. I just wasn't thinking." He sighed, "Prenitss, I'm sorry I snapped at you constantly, and didn't trust your judgement. It was my own judgement I shouldn't have trusted. Morgan, I know you worried a lot, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you ever had to give me CPR, because it never should have happened." He glanced at Gideon, knowing that went for him too. "Garcia, "I'm sorry I added so much darkness to your life. You already had so much from work, you didn't need any more. And JJ, I'm sorry for the way I've treated you over all this. You were only doing the right thing, and I acted like you commited the worst crime against me. You didn't. Okay, that's all I think. For now, anyway. Forgive me? Please?"

Gideon nodded and stood to hug Reid again. "Yes, forgiven. I can speak for all of us when I say it's time for you to heal completely. And we give you full permission to do so." He pulled back, and Hotch took his place offering a hug without words.

Prentiss followed through with the act, as did Morgan and Garcia. JJ stood with her arms crossed, unsure and uncomfortable. Reid looked at her with a small smile opening his arms, "It's okay, I won't bite. Promise."

She hesitated, and then lowered her arms and stepped forward for the hug. It good to be forgiven, just as she forgave him, she needed his forgiveness too, and for her this hug symbolised that. "Thank you." She whispered.

She pulled back and looked at the rest of the group with a smile she couldn't hide. Alan checked his watch and sighed, "This was very good progress for the first meeting. I'm proud of you Spencer. It looks like you have a great support system here. I have great confidence you'll do swimmingly when you get back into the real world."

Reid grinned at him. Alan smiled back, "Well, I hate to cut off this reunion, but there's another meeting schedueled. Spencer, don't be late for lunch. I know how you get when you put your nose in a book. If the rest of you would come with me, I'll show you out."

The team nodded once and said goodbye to Reid, who returned it with a small wave. "I... uhhh... I love you guys... Thanks for everything."

"Take care. We'll see you soon." Hotch replied, then he turned leading the group away after Alan.

Reid sat down again for a moment, and reflected on the meeting. Eventually he grinned and laughed out loud, full of bliss and joy. He had the confidence he needed. All he had to do now was keep it up, and never quit. Something he was determined to accomplish.


Well how long have I
Been sitting here, I must have drifted off
I cannot finish any of my thoughts
Forgive me for my wayward shot

All of my devils are free at last
And all my secrets revealed
And your permission is all I
Need to heal

I wake up in the morning, and it comes back to you
I breathe in I breathe out, it comes back to you
I stare up at the ceiling, and it comes back to you
I step out my front door, and it comes back to you
The end of my driveway, it comes back to you
Brakelights on the highway, it comes back to you
I could die in Los Angeles.
It would come back to you.

All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yeah
And your permission is all that I,
I need to feel
All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yes they are
And your permission is all that I need.