Author's Note: This letter is for mb64, who recently requested "Maybe you could just do a happy (no angst at all!) letter from either Sam or Dean to his brother remembering some happy times together? (shooting the fireworks, the thrown together Christmas before Dean went to hell, and a few that we don't know about?)" I loved this request, and I hope I did it justice. :) I want to thank judyann, mb64, jojospn, SPNxBookworm, flygirl33, WomanOfLetters, and GuestJ for their recent awesome reviews. And thanks to all of you great readers!
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Dean
So do you remember when I told you I was recalling things from my life in extreme detail? I'm pretty sure you do, because it was around the time I was ranting about when you rode that gassy donkey… Anyway, at first it was freaking me out having such a clear memory of all these tiny moments in my life. But then I started to enjoy it. I mean there are a ton of good memories that I hadn't thought about in so long...
Like that Fourth of July back in 1996. You took me out to that field in the middle of the night to light up our own fireworks. And I remember it was stormy that night, and it smelled like wet grass in the field. That is until we lit those first two fireworks together. Then there was this amazing smell of gunpowder and rain. I remember looking up at you and telling you that you were great for letting me do something like that, because dad would never have approved had he been awake when we snuck out.
And you looked down at me with this expression that was so intense, but in a good way…It was like you were on top of the world. I gave you a hug and you laughed about how girly I was being, but it was one of those times where I knew you were actually ok with the 'girlyness'. And then you looked at our crate of explosives and gave me a nod like you were telling me I could do whatever I wanted with them.
So I took your lighter, that old zippo you got as a gift from dad when you turned 15, and I lit basically every firework in the crate. I'd never actually lit a firework before that night so I was kind of nervous as I watched the wicks burn. And they all went off at once and there was so much light! And I remember thinking later on that we were lucky the grass was so damp, or else we'd have probably lit the whole field on fire.
But in that particular moment I wasn't thinking about safety at all. I ran out to the center of the shower of sparks and jumped around, just staring up at all the colors and grinning. And you were looking on with actual pride, as if nothing in the world could have satisfied you more than for me to be there dancing in the middle of a random field under the remnants of one hundred dollars' worth of holiday explosives. And in that moment, everything was perfect to me.
And then there was the Christmas we had about five years ago… I know it was tense at the time, what with you being sentenced to Hell and all that. I also know it seems weird that I'd be so happy to remember it, because I was the one who kept trying to avoid celebrating that year. But I look back on it now and I love it. Partly because it was very, I don't know…Us? I mean we had a tree decorated with freaking air freshener and fishing lures. It was the epitome of us. But I also love it because I look back on that day and remember the way you didn't want to give up what you thought would be your last chance to sit around a tree with me drinking eggnog and watching sports.
And when you walked into the motel room and saw I'd decorated, you looked…well you looked touched Dean. Not in a dramatic movie scene way, but like you were just happy to see I had caved. You asked me what changed my mind and I didn't exactly give you an answer back then. Well I can say to you now, honestly, it was the realization of why you had tried so hard to convince me to celebrate with you. That it wasn't because you wanted to have a last holiday, but because you wanted to have a last holiday with me. How could I really say no to that? And so I made sure I was there for you, and that we celebrated. Because if the tables had been turned I knew I would've wanted a last holiday with you too. And you would have given it to me, because you've always done anything you could to make me happy.
For example, do you remember when I was six and I had you take me camping? Well not actually outside, but we definitely made a camp … I remember I had asked you what it was like to go camping because I had heard some people talking about it on a TV show. You told me it was when people slept outside without a bed under a roof made of cloth, and that it was really dirty. I think you assumed I wouldn't find that to be appealing. Instead, I started begging you to take me camping. And after two hours of not succeeding in convincing me that you couldn't do that, you gave in and told me we'd find a way to camp in the motel.
So you took the chairs from next to the little table and put one on each of the twin beds. And then you tied all the blankets and sheets in the whole room together into one giant cover that we draped over the chairs and beds and everything in between. We turned the lamp on that was on the nightstand between the beds, and then shut all the blinds and turned off all the other lights. And we had this glowing little cave thing made of bedding to hang out in. We sat on the floor between the beds, and you said "See Sammy, we're basically camping now. We're not on the beds, we're under cloth, and this floor is really dirty." I took that so seriously at the time. And then I made you sleep in the "tent" next to me that night.
I was also thinking recently about the day you taught me to swim. Do you remember that one? I was four years old and we were staying at a motel with a pool for once. And dad was doing his research by the poolside so we could have a break to cool off. I was splashing around the shallow end, but then you went over to the deeper part and I remember thinking I would give just about anything to be able to follow you there. So I tried to. And of course I immediately started to sink. I got scared and started thrashing around, but before I could even fully dip under the water once, you were there holding me up. And you were of course totally freaked out that I had, as you put it, "almost died". Two seconds of me struggling and it got classified as a near death experience. And you say I'm the dramatic one Dean…
Anyway, suddenly our little play time in the pool was a serious swimming lesson. It was obvious you had decided you should teach me to really swim before I drowned someday. So you started teaching me how to use my arms and legs to dog paddle, and then how to keep my head above the water, and eventually you showed me how to full on swim. After hours of you working with me on "prefect technique", I got to go with you to the deeper side. Which in retrospect was really pretty shallow. It was only four feet deep, so it would be like stepping in a puddle for me now. But back then? Man, that was the biggest achievement of my life! I mean, you totally hovered next to me the whole time ready to grab me if I messed up. But I still felt like I had just conquered the world. And you had helped get me there.
I know these memories appear so small compared to the mountain of stuff we've been through in our lives. But somehow… I don't know Dean. It's like remembering these little events as though they happened just yesterday… It's amazing. It makes me see how many parts of my life have been really good. Hell, most of these memories even make me feel sort of normal. Like I did have moments where I was just an average kid growing up with his big brother. So I guess they might seem small to an outsider, but they're like a collection of every time we've gotten to just be brothers, and that's huge to me. My own collection of all the good times. So thanks, I guess. For giving me so many good memories to want to hang onto.
Sam
Secondary Author's Note: Thanks for reading! I've been getting some really good requests, and I'm loving it. Do feel free to keep them coming! Also, reviews are incredibly appreciated. :D
