Disclaimer: Obviously I am not Stephanie Meyer. I am generously using her characters. All of the dialogue comes directly from the book Twilight or her unpublished manuscript Midnight Sun, thus it all remains hers.

The reference to Alice's first year with the Cullens is courtesy of Jessica314's story Tale of Years: 1950 here on Fanfiction.


Bella stood in place looking hesitant.

I smiled at how backward Bella's thinking could be–she had walked into the forest alone with the creature that had admitted to wanting to kill her, but froze in fear to the mention of being carried. The sun was setting and I was impatient. I was certain that I could carry her safely back to the truck. She had no reason to fear this. I reached for her. As I expected, she responded with a racing pulse and a small amount of adrenaline entering her system. She had been afraid of my driving and was afraid of being carried while I ran? What kind of sense did that make? Her instincts were backwards.

Gently, minding the weakness of her muscles and bones, I slung her onto my back. As soon as she was in place, her body responded by clinging to me. It was unexpected, but not unpleasant. In fact, the sensation of her full body next to mine was enrapturing. A new experience! I wondered if what I was feeling was anything like what I had observed in my hunting years of drunken humans. My thoughts felt as if they were soaked in pleasure. I wanted nothing more than for this to continue. If this was anything like the sensation they had experienced of being drunk, no wonder they repeated it night after night.

My whole body pulsed and sang and danced in the same current phenomenon that I had felt when watching Lorenzo's Oil. There were some differences though. One, this time her warmth was not a foot away from my side. It was penetrating me from a proximity I had never dared hope for. Like when she had been near me earlier, her warmth changed how my body felt to me. If this were not rapturous enough, the pulse of the current was more ingrained. It knew its path through my system and navigated it as if its travels were as natural as my venom.

I thought about the reaction that I had after Lorenzo's Oil had ended–the loss of awareness to myself and the next period's strange reawakening of my senses–and compared it to this. Much was the same, so why wasn't I walking around in an unaware daze like last time? The one real difference was my new awareness that I loved Bella. Was it possible that this was what the current had been indicating? Certainly Esme had hinted the first time I had mentioned the current at that being so. Was it possible that my incapacity to see that I loved Bella had put her at risk? Was my acknowledgement of what my heart and body wanted that vital to her, and therefore my, well-being? If that were the case, I had risked her very life because of my stubbornness. That was a chilling thought. But I had no better conclusions. Never again, I vowed. From this moment on I would put my stubbornness to better use: doing everything in my power to ensure her safety

"I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack," she warned gravely interrupting my musings.

Her voice and her words reminded me that this was new for her as well. Yes, I had made a mistake, but fortunately, thanks to Alice, it hadn't been fatal. I would learn. I would do better. I wondered, then, how Bella was experiencing this newness? Had she made mistakes that she was learning from? Was our proximity having the same reaction to her? A part of me hoped that she was as affected by my proximity, as I was hers, but as I revisited her warning it didn't sound like it. Instead of pleasure, I heard trepidation. She wasn't afraid of me. She had made that obvious in her words and deeds. Did she not trust me by now to keep her safe? If she was safe from me, the fiercest predator in these woods, certainly she had nothing to fear. We were, after all, leaving with her alive.

Despite her concerns regarding my driving, I had brought her home without injury. Not the mention that I had been able to resist her today in much more tempting situation that this one. Certainly she knew that she would be safe travelling with me. I hoped it wasn't a matter of trust. She would just have to see that she had nothing, about this at least, to be afraid of. It was then that I realized what she was asserting by her statement. I found it amusing. Had she not watched how I had broken the tree limb?

"Hah!" I snorted.

Did she really think she weighed more than a feather to me? If were not for her heat, the sensations her body created inside of me, and her scent, I might not have even recognised she was there. As confirmation of her presence, I found her hand, brought it away from my body, pressed her palm to my face, and inhaled deeply.

I was absolutely pleased with my ability to do this and contain the monster. This time the taste of her in my mouth was even more scrumptious. Added to her unique tantalizing scent was the remnants of earth and grass and wildflowers. It added to her bouquet and made it even more appetizing. If I thought time would desensitize me from her being delectable, I had been wrong. Yet like before, her proximity and how it impacted my body's responses firmly kept the monster in its cage. In a strange way that I didn't understand it seemed like the monster wasn't strengthened by her proximity. Or perhaps, reflecting back to my thoughts on the current, the awareness of my love for her neutered the monster in some way. Whatever the reason, I was pleased.

"Easier all the time," I muttered to myself.

I could do this. I could be that Edward. We were leaving and she was alive. The exuberance at my success propelled me forward. I attempted to accelerate at a reasonable pace keeping in mind her fragility. I ran in a way that I had never run before. This was not running away running. This was not clearing my head running. This was not letting the monster out and hunting running. This was joyful prancing running. I calculated my speed and tried to keep in mind what I knew the human body could withstand and her complaint about speed when we had come back from Port Angeles. At times my joy had me forget to keep the speed where she had preferred.

The sensation I experienced from my whole body being engrossed in her warmth and the pulsing of the current brought images of my lips touching hers to mind. So, also while I ran, I considered the possibility of acting on the wish that this fire had yearned for since it first awoke. I tried to calculate the risk involved in attempting such a thing. As we neared the truck, I slowed down gradually, keeping in mind the human's body limit for deceleration, and walked to the edge of the forest.

"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I asked Bella.

I waited for a response, for her to move in the slightest, but nothing came. It was if she had become statuesque. Only her internal rhythms and warmth told me otherwise. I replayed the run trying to decipher if I had missed anything in her behaviour to indicate this response. I recalled the run, calculated my acceleration rate, calculated my average running speed, calculated my rate as I decelerated, and attempted to discover if at any point I could have caused her injury by merely moving too fast. I ran though all the possibilities of what could be wrong. It didn't help that I couldn't see her face.

"Bella?" I asked concerned now.

Her name seemed to wake her from her frozen state, but only marginally. I dismissed most of my hypothetical theories and felt relieved.

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped as if she had forgotten to breathe.

Bella breathing was vital. My list from my medical training of what could be amiss didn't have shortness of breath. Being pressed against my back had protected her chest. I began exploring the limit knowledge I had over the years from listening to Carlisle of physical reactions caused by psychological states.

"Oh, sorry," I offered uncertain of what else to say.

If her normal fear response was to freeze, could it be strong enough for her to stop breathing? It would be an unusual human behaviour, but then Bella was odd for a human. It unsettled me that this behaviour was more akin to my kind than hers. We naturally froze and stopped breathing in response to something we were not expecting, which allowed our primitive natures to take us over and protect us.

I waited.

She still didn't move.

Before I could decide on the right words to ask next, she said reluctantly, "I think I need help."

I couldn't believe my ears. Bella was asking me for help. Perhaps we were both making some progress in our own ways. A quiet laugh left my lips at my joy at this small admittance on her part. How much I had wanted to know when I could be of assistance to her. Gently I took her hand from my neck and moved her around so that she faced me. I cradled her. Her eyes were wide and contained fear. I attempted to compare the change in her appearance to my other observations of her. I concluded that she looked most similar to when she had screamed about my driving, but worse. I debated about whether me holding her was helping or not. I couldn't imagine her holding on to what, to her, must feel like cold granite would be soothing, so carefully I took her off me and placed her on the ground in front of me as per her request.

"How do you feel?" seemed to be the most appropriate question since her responses were often contrary to my expectations.

She took a longer than usual time to answer. I counted her heartbeat and her breathing. They were moving towards her normal resting rates.

"Dizzy, I think," she answered.

I was grateful for her continued honesty. This allowed me to take better care of her. I flipped through my medical training quickly trying to catalogue what I had learned about humans feeling faint discarding anything that didn't apply in a hope to determine what might be most helpful for her.

"Put your head between your knees," I recommended.

She did so.

Another progress. She had done what I had suggested. I was as surprised as I had been in the nurse's office when she had left when I had told her to. I sat down besides her hoping the proximity would bring her some comfort and selfishly because I didn't want to lose the feeling of her warmth.

She seemed to be purposefully paying attention to her breathing. She would take long slow breaths in and let them out just as slowly and purposefully. Eventually she raised her head and looked at me.

Fortunately, it seemed that her reaction was simply due to fear and I hadn't injured her. Although I was glad that she wasn't hurt, I was upset at myself that I hadn't been aware of her fright while I was running. I had been too consumed with myself.

"I guess that wasn't the best idea." I was disappointed.

Something I had found thrilling had caused her to feel faint. Perhaps I had merely gone too fast. I wondered if there was another way to assuage her fear. I would be terribly disappointed if I couldn't run with her at all, even slowly. It was too easy to be myself with her.

"No, it was very interesting," she attempted, but the weakness of her voice conveyed how poorly her body had responded to it.

I tried to understand this obvious understatement. Perhaps she was being kind in a misguided attempt to not hurt my feelings.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost–no, you're as white as me!" I said attempting to voice my concerns lightly as she had yet to respond well when I pointed out her weaknesses.

Fortunately her heart and lungs were close to their normal rate again. As they calmed, I felt the anxiousness in my body dissipate. I would have never been able to live it down if she left the meadow alive and then was rushed to the hospital because I ran too fast with her. She would shortly be getting into her truck in the same state she came in. I had succeeded even if she was a little dizzy.

"I think I should have closed my eyes," she admitted.

Ah, well, that made sense. It had to be the visual elements of the speed that had unsettled her. Her human eyes probably couldn't keep up with the speed without the stationary cues that, say, the interior of a car gave her. If that was truly the only problem, then that was easily solved.

"Remember that next time," I insisted.

Watching her reaction was exactly what I expected–a combination of disgust and horror filled her features, her heart rate increased and adrenaline began to be excreted–all the signs of terror.

"Next time!" she groaned.

I laughed enthusiastically. Silly Bella! She was terrified of speed–both in the car and while running–but not of me. She had willing risked her life and had made no one aware of spending time with me in an altruistic attempt to protect me, the monster that her blood called to, while her body produced all the signs of terror, not when we were running, but when she was safe and I had merely suggested doing it again. She was backwards. I did not deserve her. And I loved her.

I felt absolutely jubilant! This time, though, instead of wallowing in the weight of being undeserving I felt Carlisle's words echoing through her warmth, and I knew that this was a gift. He was right. I did not deserve her gifts, but nonetheless her absolutely backwards response was exactly what was causing me to appreciate her more. I knew in that moment that I would do everything in my power to keep Bella exactly as she was right now–warm, safe, and backwards–until she sent me away.

"Show-off," she muttered, pulling me out of my musings.

I inched my face closer to hers.

"Open your eyes, Bella," I requested softly and gently.

I did not want to talk to her with her eyes closed, my window to her thoughts and my sense of peace. I needed her peace for what I wanted to say.

"I was thinking, while I was running …"

I paused to consider how I wanted to phrase this. Delicately obviously, but I also needed to verify that I was sure before I said anything.

"About not hitting trees, I hope," she said concerned.

I stifled a laugh. I knew she was serious and laughing at her concern wouldn't be very gentlemanly.

"Silly, Bella," a chuckle escaping my lips despite my attempts to contain myself as I considered all the ways that she was silly. I guessed that I needed to explain. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think about."

I watched her face contort from disbelief to confusion to resignation. How could she accept this difference between us so easily?

"Show-off," she muttered repeating herself.

Her tone implied irritation or jealousy. I didn't understand. I knew that physical things were a challenge to her. I reminded myself about how even humans found her clumsy. Did she not like that I could do some things so much better than her? Had she not seen my demonstration in the meadow? These were an aspect of my nature. All vampires were physically strong and quick. It wasn't something to be envious of. I smiled with the thought that I might never figure out the way her brain works.

"No," I continued deciding that I did want to do this. "I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

I watched her carefully as I took her face in my hands. Millimetre by millimetre I brought my face closer to hers. As each milometer passed I checked and rechecked myself cautiously ensuring that this was safe, that the monster was caged, that I was in control, and this new strange desire wouldn't crush her. I reminded myself of the test I had forced myself through while we had been in the meadow and that I had passed. I had been able to be near her throat, to lay my head gently on her skin all while keeping the monster contained. That success encouraged me to try this. Nevertheless, with each movement that brought me closer to her I measured my internal state against how it was during that test. I felt confident that if I felt the same now as I had then, she would live through this. Confident yet nervous, I brought myself the last millimetre and did what I had been wishing to do, fantasising that I would do, since the fire inside me had first been lit: I brought my lips to hers.

What happened next didn't come close to what I had imagined or even how I had hoped it might feel like. It was if I were a Christmas tree suddenly lit up. From the crown of my head into every toe, finger, and crevasse of my body I felt warm and like I was pulsing. I no longer felt as if I were stone. I was no longer cold. I was transformed into something else. The current had done something to my body that I did not fully understand, but I felt as if every moment it had entered by body had prepared me for this sensation. I was no longer the being what I had been. I was transformed as assuredly as the venom had changed me. I could never go back.

My brain began to spin faster and faster with this feeling. Somewhere dimly it attempted to monitor Bella's response, but my brain was barely keeping up with me and my mantra of gently because all that my body wanted to do was to crush her, to press myself, all of myself, lips included more and more into her. The monster began to grow in strength from having the taste of her fill my mouth and lungs as this fire inside me took me over. Bella opened her mouth and her scent, not from her skin or hair or outside of her body, but from her insides, filled me. In that instant some part of my brain noticed that Bella was clutching onto my hair desperately and that she was breathing erratically. I froze, my safety escape eliminated. If at some point it became essential to flee, I could not run away with her holding onto me like this.

I could not say for sure what I was expecting Bella's response to be, but this was not it. She seemed to want more of me as much as the fire within me wanted more of her. This was not safe. Enough I commanded. I dared not breath or move fearing anything might tip the scales in the monster's or even the fire's direction. Instead, I focused on decreasing my mind's spinning, ensuring that the monster was firmly where it belonged, and gently pushing her open mouth further away from me.

As I did, Bella began to open her eyes. If the situation hadn't been so dangerous, I might have been awed by her expression, especially articulated in her eyes. It was the combination of ravage hunger, peace, disappointment, and regret.

"Oops," she eventually breathed.

Yes. Indeed. We probably should not do that again.

"That's an understatement."

I wasn't sure what was more accurate–she, by her very reaction, would push me to be the death of her or my desires would be the death of her. Neither sounded appealing. The part of me that had felt warm and animated wanted to calculate the chance of doing that again, but I forced all my mental resources to focus on making sure Bella was safe, especially from me.

"Should I …?" she started to ask while attempting to move back.

Despite the sane part of my brain telling me that space might be helpful, I did not want her any further from me than necessary. Kissing might be a deadly affair, but I wasn't ready to lose the warmth her body provided mine.

"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please," I asked gently and kindly.

Like in the meadow when she had surprised me, I hadn't lost control. That was something. Certainly I had been close to that razor's edge, but it hadn't been like that first day in Biology. I had not even been calculating ways to kill her nor had the monster left its cage. Nor was it like in the hall where I had lost my faculties. Instead, I had merely been too overwhelmed by all the sensations. I could have never prepared myself for what that kiss had done to me.

Nevertheless, the fact that I had gotten so close to losing control was worrisome. I could not risk Bella. I needed to be in complete control. It was the only way to ensure her safety. Nonetheless, she was still near to me and alive. It was progress of a sort. I wasn't sure it was a progress that was in Bella's best interest, but since she was still alive I figured it couldn't be completely bad. It took a while until all of me was at an acceptable level. Finally when I was back to being safe for Bella I grinned. If being this new Edward meant I could be near Bella and not kill her, it was worth any price. Absolutely worth it.

"There," I told Bella.

I was pleased. Maybe I would have been okay without Alice before. It was hard to know for sure. I had been just as caught off guard and Bella had been even closer than in the meadow, yet she was still alive. I had just shown that I could be near her. The trifecta of the new Edward was cemented. No longer just theory and hopes. I had succeeded. Perhaps Carlisle had been right. Perhaps I was stronger than I had given myself credit for. Could better news exist? I was filled with a euphoric sensation.

"Tolerable?" she asked concerned her eyes full of worry and compassion.

I laughed at her wording choice. That had been the best experience of my life. It was far better than tolerable and despite the unexpected reactions on both our parts she was alive. I had beaten Alice's vision!

"I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know," I told her unsure if she would fully understand the gravity of my words.

If I had beaten this vision, I could beat Bella become cold and white. It was three out of four. It would be four out of four. Bella would not end up like me. I would not be that selfish. She would remain like this–warm, human, alive–as I loved her. I was filled with a sense of joy and happiness that surpassed any experience I had ever had previously. I doubted even the word ecstatic was adequate.

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry," she said. Her face drooped.

As surprised as I was at her reaction, how could I be upset about it? She had responded with want and desire. Even though I hadn't smelled it before, due to everything else, I was fairly certain that the new smell emanating from her was arousal. Was it possible that her attraction to me was more than my lure? Could she have had some sort of desire that initiated from her?

"You are only human, after all."

That had to be it. A seventeen-year-old human full of hormones who had threw herself at the first creature who had kissed her, albeit that creature was a vampire who has admitted to wanting her blood. Nevertheless, lots of girls had, mentally at least, thrown themselves at me over the years. I wondered if they would have physically if I had allowed them. Probably. It was a part of my physical appearance, even apart from the lure. As much as I liked the idea of Bella wanting me, I knew more than anything that those types of emotions were fleeting. I could expect that as passionate as she was in the moment, she would eventually lose interest or finally see the horror story that I lived in and leave.

"Thanks so much," she responded with a biting tone.

I pondered what could have caused such a terse response, but after a bit I couldn't find anything reasonable. Another of the mysteries that is Bella Swan, I finally decided. I thought about asking her, but we were having such a good day. I really didn't want to ruin my mood and therefore the day just to satisfy my curiosity. I reminded myself of what I learned the day after I came back to Alaska–that with enough patience the answers would come. I didn't need to rush them.

I thought about Alice and how she had to learn when she first came to our family not to use her gift to peek ahead. She had learned to savour the experiences of life so that she could enjoy the moment. I had no idea how difficult that might have been for her until this moment. Perhaps that was why Alice and I got on so well–despite having eternity ahead of us we were both impatient creatures living in the world of our gifts. Consequently, maybe like Alice I could learn to just enjoy the moment. Yes, that was what I would do. That was what both Carlisle and Esme had recommended after all. I pushed aside my need to know and stood up. I held out my hand to Bella wanting, as always, to be the gentleman.

"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I asked laughing lightly.

Perhaps it was the lure, perhaps it was my physique, nonetheless Bella had responded positively and I hadn't killed her. I counted it as a success.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," Bella explained with some effort. "I think it's some of both, though."

Her honesty pleased me. Today might have been the first time that she had been honest about her state of being. I hoped that our shared intimacy was helping create a greater capacity for her to be truthful with me rather than trying to cover up her weaknesses. I had no way to know how to be with her safely, while she lied about her limits, as that only made things more difficult for me. I thought about how I might try to explain this in a way that Bella could understand and thus adjust accordingly. I couldn't think of any way off hand. Give it time seemed like the best advise for now, so I let it go. I assessed her present state.

"Maybe you should let me drive," I offered.

I really didn't want to drive her slow truck, but more than that I didn't want her to crash. I would feel calmer driving.

"Are you insane?" she exclaimed.

Yes. Obviously. I am in love with the very creature that calls me to end her. We just went and spent the day alone and managed not to kill her. I think that qualifies as insane, but I doubted Bella's question was genuine. Then I remembered she had admitted to being an idiot and I had numerous times thought that she was mentally unstable. Somehow acknowledging that we were insane together made me feel better about my own instability.

"I can drive better than you on your best day. You have much slower reflexes," I said teasingly.

I watched her carefully to see if she grasped that I wasn't trying to insult her.

"I'm sure that's true," she acknowledged somewhat reluctantly, "but I don't think my nerves or my truck, could take it."

She must not realise that when I started driving vehicles couldn't reach the speeds of her truck. Sure, I didn't like driving slow, but that didn't mean I wasn't capable of doing so. Then again, I had avoided telling her how long I had dwelt on this earth.

"Some trust, please, Bella."

She pursed her lips and her eyebrows crunched together in concentration. At least she was considering what I had said instead of just dismissing it outright. After a few moments she shook her head no with a grimace.

"Nope. Not a chance," she declared.

I was surprised. I wasn't sure why she was so attached to her driving her car. Didn't she trust me? How could she trust me not to kill her but not to drive her truck? Did she value her truck over her life? She started to step around me to get to the driver's side when she lost her balance, not in a stumble over her shoe kind of way, but a still a little woozy kind of way. I wrapped my arm around her determined that no harm would come to her.

"Bella, I've already expanded a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk." I chuckled at the reference.

I looked down at her. She looked dazzled to the ninth degree. In fact, she did look a bit drunk. Had I not just compared my reaction to her lips on mine to a drunkard? Was it possible she was feeling something similar? I had no way to tell and I doubted Bella was ready to be that honest with me.

"Drunk?" she said incredulously.

Even the way she said the word made me think of those men stumbling out of a bar insisting that they were fine. I contained the smirk that wanted to penetrate my face.

"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I allowed the grin that I was feeling due to my conclusion.

This was more than lure. Lure was a mouse being caught in the stare of the snake. It pulled the prey in and froze it so that the predator could pounce and take its meal. It did not make someone drunk, and although I seemed to be dazzling the ladies more since I started spending time with Bella, no one had ever responded to my presence like this. Then, again, I hadn't kissed anyone before. I wondered if all the girls would have reacted this way. I kept grinning at the thought.

"I can't argue with that." She sighed then held her keys out and dropped them trusting that I would catch them even though my hand wasn't there yet. "Take it easy–my truck is a senior citizen."

So what am I, then? But I said nothing. I was pleased that she trusted it to me. Perhaps she didn't, after all, value her truck over her life. That was good to know. With that concern out of the way, I found her affection for her old truck endearing. I liked that she liked old things. I was certainly older than her truck. More than that, I was glad that she decided to trust me with something she obviously treasured. I wondered once again how she might respond if I were to tell her when I was born.

"Very sensible," I agreed easily.

My heart sang. She was saying yes to my assessment, yes to me taking care of her, and yes to being willing to trust me with her truck. The world seemed brighter somehow.

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" Her voice was sharp with irritation.

Of course I was.

You, my dear Bella, have such power over me and have effected me in such profound ways that there are no words.

I thought about how much she had changed me, and what she meant to me. It would be painful to leave her now. I had no words to express what I felt for her, the intensity of my love for her, so instead I bent my face to hers and brushed my lips slowly along her jaw from her ear to her chin and back again. It wasn't like kissing her, but it wasn't as dangerous either. Maybe we could just do this. Even this would be radiant.

I could feel her trembling next to me. It was such a powerful feeling to have her respond in this way.

"Regardless, I have better reflexes," I muttered when the fire had grown and I needed to stop.

In order to show Bella that she could trust me with her truck, and to prolong our time together I drove the speed limit. It didn't bother me to drive slowly, as much as I thought it would. Perhaps that was because I drove with Bella's hand in mine. I turned on a station that played mostly fifties music and sang along while I replayed today. On a few occasions I stared at the sun that I had been certain would cause Bella to leave me. I was still confused and uncertain about her reaction. While other times I glanced at Bella watching the wind play with her hair. It seemed like a day too good to be true.

When I had first awoken in this existence I had quickly gleaned from Carlisle's thoughts what I was and why he had chosen to change me. It was after I had experienced the bloodlust, had resisted to take what I was internally programmed to consume, had rejected Carlisle's belief in fighting the monster, had become the monster, and after four years had returned home repentant that I had fully realised what I had become. Although Carlisle did save me from death, he had simultaneously condemned me to live in a horror show where I was the monster. I was the danger. I was the nightmare.

Yet, I had just spent an entire afternoon with this amazing human girl sitting next to me, the one out of everyone that should have returned me to my killing state, had kissed her, and she had survived the encounter. I had done the impossible. Her scent assaulted me when the wind blew it my direction. I breathed it in gladly. The fire that burned in my throat reminded me that I still belonged in the horror story as the villain, but somehow that fact didn't bother me as much. My remuneration felt truer than it ever had before.

After a bit Bella interrupted my musings by asking, "You like fifties music?"

I wasn't sure if I could adequately answer this question. Then I remembered she was probably attempting light banter that I had observed humans do.

"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shook at the memory. "The eighties were bearable," I replied.

It was after I spoke that I realized that I had spoken as if I had lived through those year, which I had, but I hadn't told Bella that. So much for light banter. It was so hard not to be myself around her.

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked tentatively.

I considered why she might be hesitant. Was she afraid to ask the question in some way? I had avoided a direct answer in the past.

"Does it matter much?" I smiled thinking about all the things thus far that should have bothered Bella, but hadn't.

It also reminded me of how long I had existed watching the pairs of my family believing that I was content in my own company. I really had no idea what I had been missing. Despite all the complications and struggles that had brought Bella and I to this moment, it had been worth it.

"No, but I still wonder …" I saw the corner's of her lips turn downward and a small crease appear between her eyebrows. "There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."

I pondered what her reaction might be. Would this be the thing to send her away?

"I wonder if it will upset you," I admitted.

I stared into the sun remembering her awe to seeing me in the sunlight. She hadn't responded how I expected. Would she with this?

After a good while she said, "Try me."

I looked into her eyes finding openness and curiosity. They calmed me in the same way her eyes had the first time I had gazed into them. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. Since she was bound to leave anyway, what did I have to lose? I turned and looked at the sun not really wanting to see her reaction.

"I was born in Chicago in 1901."

I decided to glance at her out of the corner of my eye. She had that same look from the restaurant: open, eager for more, but her features neutral. The corners of my lips moved just the smidge upwards at the similarity yet contrast from then to now.

"Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918," I continued. "I was seventeen, and dying of the Spanish influenza."

She gasped just the smallest fraction. I was certain to see the expression of horror that I had been expecting for so long on her face. I turned and looked into her eyes. Instead I found concern and compassion. Was it possible that her gasp was because she felt bad for me? I turned back to facing outward. Dying wasn't so bad. It was living as a monster that was ghastly; it was having to overcome your basic nature in order to not slaughter towns. In comparison, death wasn't so bad.

"I don't remember it well–it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade," I assured her.

I watched her from the corner of my eye. Her concern lifted. It baffled me how she could feel bad about something that didn't bother me. My death, although premature, never haunted me. It was the monster that I had become that stalked my conscious and caused me torment.

"I do remember how it felt," I continued, "when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could forget."

Long ago I had come to terms with what Carlisle had chosen to do. It could not be undone. Other than the horror bits, like my very nature and body, I didn't hate Carlisle for the fate he had condemned me to. He was compassionate beyond compare and he had seen my death as a life cut too short. He wanted to offer me the opportunity to have more than a measly seventeen years on this earth. And I have had that. His choice had allowed me to experience things I wouldn't have otherwise. Nevertheless, it didn't change how much I disliked the vehicle necessary for me to do such things. Even not accounting for my belief that us monsters forfeited our soul in our transformation or that we shouldn't exist, the constant fight against my nature reminded me that unlike Carlisle I would never wish to condemn anyone to this existence, myself included.

"Your parents?" Bella asked still slightly concerned reminding me of our conversation.

This was so many years ago. Her concern was touching, surprised me, and was completely unnecessary.

"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That's why he chose me. In all the chaos of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

This I knew from his thoughts. He wanted to make sure that if he ever did change someone, it was someone already dying, and that there would be no one needing to mourn a body. It also meant that if he failed he wouldn't have taken a life. I knew he had struggled with the choice and it was really my mother's plea that had pushed him into it. I had often wondered over the years if she would have made the same request if she had known what I would have become and what I had done. I couldn't imagine she would be proud of the monster I became.

"How did he … save you?"

I nearly smiled. Of course Bella would ask the question I didn't want to tell her. Given her attraction to danger and her curiosity, I had wondered how much of our kind she would truly want to know. Once, as a passing thought, I questioned if Bella would be the kind of human I had heard rumours about–the kind that came to a vampire and gave him or herself willingly asking to be turned. Alice's vision had implied the possibility, and since I knew for certain that Carlisle would never change Bella, I had dismissed the thought entirely. Bella was too good, too kind to want to enter the shadow half-life of my kind. I was confident that this was something on which we would agree–neither she nor I wanted her to become a monster. Despite my conviction on this matter, I still didn't want to give her any ideas. Simultaneously, I wanted to remain truthful.

"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has always been the most human, the most compassionate of us … I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history."

I hoped my words would put and end to any already formed ideas she might have had about asking for details.

I added, "For me, it was merely very, very painful."

I considered saying more about the pain, but I was concerned doing so would garnish more compassion from her, so I said no more. This was enough for her to know–unless Carlisle went back on his word–that a human asking for the change resulted in his or her death. Additionally, that the change itself was excruciatingly painful.

As I reviewed what I had told her and watched her carefully, I realized that I might have given the wrong idea about Carlisle. In her compassion she might be upset with Carlisle. And although I often had wished through the years that he hadn't changed me, he had done so with a pure heart and the best of intentions.

"He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though somehow, her heart was still beating."

He was lonely and I was dying. I am not lonely and you are not dying. Bella becoming one of us would be the most self-centred self-righteous thing I could imagine. Bella didn't need to worry. Even if there were ever to be the smallest part of myself that would wish to have her forever, I would not ask that of her. If those reasons were not enough, I could not risk her hating me like Rosalie hated Carlisle. She would send me away one day; I expected it. But I could not bear the thought of her hating me.

"So you must be dying, then, to become … "

I wondered why, even though she knew what I was, she didn't speak of it. That night in the car when she did say the word it was barely a whisper. I wondered why that was. But that was not what she had asked. I pondered how to explain without giving too much away.

"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do that to someone who had another choice. It is easier he says, though, if the blood is weak."

Easier to stop because it didn't taste as alluring. I had never been sure how he knew that since all of us had either been sick or had lost a lot of blood, and had all been near death. I had often wondered, once I started hunting humans, how he had found it within himself to stop. Sure, I had been sick. Sure, the blood would have not tasted as sweet with the illness running through me, but it was still human blood. How had he managed to bite me, taste me, and not drain me? I had yet to find the courage to ask in the decades since I returned the prodigal son. Maybe one day in the decades that lay ahead I would.

"And Emmett and Rosalie?"

Of course, she would want to know about my whole family. How did I rarely see where this girl's brain was heading?

"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping she would be to me what Esme was to him–he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled my eyes. This had to be one of Carlisle's biggest blunders: believing Rosalie and I would be mates. We antagonized each other from the moment we met. "But she was never more than a sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting–we were in Appalachia at the time–and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to Carlisle, more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to guess how difficult that journey was for her."

I looked at Bella trying to imagine if I could resist her flowing blood and not consume it while running for that long. I wouldn't need to do that, I told myself to push the image away. That was why I would keep her safe. I raised our hands and brushed her cheek with the back of my hand. This warm safe whole human form was exactly how she would stay. I would make sure that no bear or anything else got to her. My new sense of self was dependant on it.

"But she made it," Bella said positively looking away.

What was she thinking? It was still difficult to know what to say without the mental clues that I was accustomed to.

"Yes," I agreed softly. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any place. Forks seemed perfect, so we all enrolled in high school." I laughed at what the future no doubt held. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few years, again."

This time I predicted what she'd say next.

"Alice and Jasper?"

They were easier to talk about as Carlisle had nothing to do with their transformations.

"Alice and Jasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to it, with no outside guidance. Jasper belonged to another …" I stopped myself before the word coven came out. Jasper's experiences were so different from ours. "… family, a very different kind of family. He became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain gifts above and beyond the norm for our kind."

Statistically speaking, his experience was common for our kind. While for us to add Jasper and Alice, two that had no venom relation to us, to our family was unheard of outside of Volturi. And if Carlisle's hypothesis was correct, that was primarily because of the presence of Chelsea. Just another way that our family is odd.

I was about to continue, but I could hear Bella forming the words and I guessed right this time as well. Once again I had said too much.

"Really? But you said you were the only one who could hear people's thoughts."

Talking about Alice's gift was dangerous territory. I certainly did not want Bella to know what Alice had seen, especially as I had now thwarted three out of four.

"That's true." Deciding to answer Bella's question directly, but not give away too much. "She knows other things. She sees things–things that might happen, things that are coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."

I had proven this already and I would again. I chanced a quick glance at Bella to see how she was absorbing this information. I hoped she would recall the last part the most.

"What kinds of things does she see?"

I internally was relieved. This was a much easier question that what I feared she might ask.

"She saw Jasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they may pose."

This also was an important point to stress–Alice would help me keep Bella safe from danger. Bella needed to grasp that.

"Are there a lot of … your kind?"

She still seemed hesitant to name what I was. That was fine. The surprise in her voice surprised me. Had she thought that my family was the only ones of my kind? Had she not considered that there was another whole world that existed invisible, most of the time, alongside hers? Perhaps that was why she hadn't run yet. She had only experienced us and had yet to fully comprehend how odd our family was for our kind. We were the exception to the rule, but I had no desire to expose her to those who hunted normally. If she was tempting to my brothers who loved me and were vegetarian, I didn't even want to consider what would happen if someone like Peter or Charlotte came across her let alone someone who might see our family as rivals.

"No, not many." I answered before she noticed my ponderings and raised more unwelcomed questions. "But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up hunting you people"–I glanced in her direction checking to make sure that I hadn't unnecessarily upset her with my wording, but she appeared fine so far–"can live together with humans for any length of time. We've only found one other family like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live …" I pondered the right word again, "… differently tend to band together."

"And the others?"

I pondered how much to say about this as well.

"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything else. But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."

Well, except Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett, but now was not the time to wallow in my weakness in comparison to my family. My jealousy for Rosalie's ability to never leave Carlisle's path and remain vegetarian despite everything had yet to leave me. In terms of human life the only one who has killed more than me was Jasper and he hadn't known better. I am far worse than my family by far. I chose to come back, but it didn't assuage my guilt.

"Why is that?" She asked the question as I pulled into her drive and I turned off her truck.

There were no lights around us even the moon. It gave me the advantage. I could see her perfectly knowing that she would not be able to see me well.

I answered by teasing. "Did you have your eyes open this afternoon? Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the Olympic Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the day. You wouldn't believe how tired you get of nighttime in eighty-odd years."

Her mind was working. I watched as her eyes processed this information more fully.

"So that's where the legends came from?"

My family had endless conversations about this to no conclusion.

"Probably," was all I could muster.

This was not the moment to explain those nuances to her.

"And Alice came from another family, like Jasper?"

Phew, I thought internally. When she said Alice the worst kinds of questions came to me. This was not hard to answer.

"No, and that is a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us understand why, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seen Jasper and Carlisle and known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have turned into a total savage." And been killed by the Volturi shortly after.

Her gift had saved her in a way. And it has saved my family on more than one occasion, but it came with her nosiness and insistence that her visions were truer than the here and now. Then Bella's quiet stomach noises became louder. Loud enough that she recognized their message.

I felt bad. I hadn't packed a lunch or anything for her. I hadn't really thought her needs through. She was certainly hungry. She hadn't eaten since early this morning.

"I'm sorry," apologizing, "I'm keeping you from dinner."

I didn't really want her to leave, but I also didn't want her to suffer on my behalf.

"I'm fine, really."

There were those famous two words she had used when she didn't want to admit her weaknesses. How could I ever convey to her that her human needs were not weaknesses to me?

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forgot."

I looked down guiltily. I would need to remember her needs better next time. The thought that there might be a next time lightened me and a huge grin spread across my face. Bella however looked like she was in mild distress.

"I want to stay with you," she uttered dejectedly.

Ah, was that the source of the distress I had seen? That was easily solved. I waited for her invitation. She sat in silence contemplating with a slight extra heat added to her cheeks.

"Can't I come in?" I asked in what I hoped was a slightly jovial tone.

I would have preferred that she had offered, but perhaps she was hesitant. I wasn't sure of the proper etiquette for a situation like this.

"Would you like to?" she asked sceptically as if, had she asked, I would have dismissed her invitation outright.

I couldn't imagine why she would have thought that.

"Yes, if it's all right."

Before she could open her door I was out mine and to hers at a human pace. I opened it. Perhaps after our time together today she would understand my need to be a gentleman. Maybe that had been the issue. She hadn't seen me in that role as we were friends. Were we still? No. Certainly not. We were more than friends. I had kissed her. That changed things. I hoped that she would know the importance of me being a gentleman in our more than friends relationship.

The moment our hands released the chatter of the surrounding humans' thoughts had entered. By reflex I pushed them into the background. My mind almost impulsively went back to the last table conference. I had been overwhelmed by my thoughts, so I hadn't paid close attention to anything else. Perhaps focusing on where my body had come in contact with Bella's skin and the remembrance of Bella's warmth entering mine at that location had helped me keep my family's thoughts at bay. If that had been true, then us holding hands had allowed a similar thing to occur. Before I could ponder any of this further Bella spoke.

"Very human," she said sweetly with slight admiration.

Her compliment stirred the fire within me. I liked her thinking of me in this way. It made me happy, in fact. I decided to put aside my ponderings till later.

"It's definitely resurfacing."

I closed the door behind her and walked her to the front door staying near enough that if her feet faltered I could catch her. I opened the front door for her.

She paused halfway through the frame as if caught.

"The door was unlocked?" she asked confused and a bit surprised.

It was too late for me to take back my blunder. Why didn't I think these things through when I was around her? The last time I opened the door I had used the key from under the eave. I had done so again in an almost automatic motion forgetting even about the keys in my pocket. I was baffled for an answer. I should have handed Bella back her keys and let her open the door. I didn't really want to answer her question and admit this.

"No, I used the key from under the eave," I hedged.

There was a heavy silence as if Bella expected more. I could see no way to avoid disclosing my addiction to her without lying. Today was not the day for lies. Her sending me away for this seemed like a reasonable thing to do. Even Esme had been concerned. I hung my head.

"I was curious about you," I explained.

I waited nervously expecting that this would be what would cause her to voice her ultimate no and send me out of her life. I intensely listened to her heart rate and breathing hoping they would give me a clue regarding what she was about to say, so that I might prepare myself.

"You spied on me?" she asked stunned.

She, of course, saw through my carefully crafted words. She missed nothing. But where was the anger? The indignation? Her tone was more like someone asking to check facts, making sure they heard right. Well, if she wasn't angry, then there was no need to apologize. Spending the nights with her was my favourite way to pass the evening since I started doing it.

"What else is there to do at night?" I asked matching her even tone.

She walked into the house and turned on a light. Then she moved towards the kitchen. I gently closed the door, went ahead of her sitting in the chair I had imagined I would–her father's–and waited for her to catch up with me. The reality of being invited into her house filled me with excitement. It was similar sensation to when she had first touched me in the meadow, although in a more muted form. I had no idea such a simple gesture, being invited into her home and sitting in her kitchen with her, could provoke such a feeling. Perhaps this was partly why Carlisle and Esme had reiterated courting Bella rather than sneaking around.

I watched her as she walked into the small yellow space, retrieved her dinner from the refrigerator, cut a portion of whatever she had pulled out, put it on a plate, and placed the plate into the microwave. I thought the smell of it cold was repugnant until the smell of it warming up filled the small space. I tried to block it out and to focus on her scent. This, naturally, brought my attention to the fire in my throat, but with the monster under wraps it was manageable. I thought about asking her to open a window to help dispel the smell, but, as it was her house, that seemed rude.

She never took her eyes off the food as she asked casually, "How often?"

"Hmmm?"

Her question distracted me from my attempt to not pull into my lungs the awful tastes the food was creating in the atmosphere. Once my brain caught up with the question I didn't know what to say. I was still trying to handle the smells and to find an answer to her question when she repeated herself as if I had forgotten her question.

"How often did you come here?"

I wanted to be insulted, but then remembered that humans forgot each other's questions regularly. She was treating me as if I was another human, and I liked that. However, this was yet again another question I didn't want to have to answer. Another question that my mind had not found a way to answer without lying or exposing my vulnerability to her.

"I come here almost every night," I admitted sticking to the truth.

Even though my brain worked much faster than hers I had been unable to come up with anything else, unless I had lied. I didn't want to face the pain that her sending me away would cause, but better today than a month from now. Not to mention that the truth was still all I had to offer her in exchange to everything she had given me.

I waited anxiously for her response.

She whirled around to look at me.

"Why?" her voice disbelieving and upset.

Well, I had admitted the worst part. There was no way to back out now.

"You're interesting when you sleep. You talk."

I watched her features move from confusion, to awareness, to horror, to embarrassment.

"No!" she gasped, blood filling her face all the way to her hairline.

I had never seen her so embarrassed. She gripped the kitchen counter as if she was going to fall. Now that was not what I expected. I had expected her kitten-tiger anger, her eyes to narrow, and even the slightest possibility that she would demand that I leave. I hadn't expected embarrassment.

"Are you very angry with me?" I asked needing verification, since I often guessed wrong when it came to reading her.

"That depends!" Her voice sounded like she had her breath knocked out of her.

I waited.

Then I couldn't wait anymore.

"On?"

I watched as her embarrassment refused to dissipate.

"What you heard!" she wailed.

Her kitten-anger would have been better. I felt bad. I hadn't meant to cause her this level of distress.

I went over to her and took her hands gentle into mine.

"Don't be upset!" I pleaded. I looked down at her gazing into her eyes. "You miss you mother," I whispered. I might as well spill it all while we were at it. Perhaps it would also help her understand. "You worry about her. And when it rains, the sound makes you restless. You used to talk about home a lot, but it's less often now. Once you said, 'It's too green.'" I laughed lightly. That statement had confused me for ages.

"Anything else?" she demanded.

I really didn't want to say this part. I was afraid she would be upset and even more embarrassed.

But after much thought I admitted, "You did say my name."

She sighed as if she had lost some sort of battle–another unexpected response.

"A lot?" she asked with quiet trepidation.

I tired to hedge. "How much do you mean by 'a lot,' exactly?"

Instead of another question, she hung her head and uttered declaratively, "Oh no!"

I pulled her again my chest gently attempting to comfort her. I focused my whole attention on her, allowing me to push aside the appalling smell in the kitchen and make sure that I wasn't hurting her in any way.

"Don't be self-conscious," I whispered into her ear. With full sincerity in my voice I added, "If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I'm not ashamed of it."

No, I wish for it. She felt and sounded like she was returning to her normal state when the sound of a car came front and centre in my mind. This was definitely a downside of being with Bella–I did not pay attention to my surroundings, as I usually would have. A few seconds later, Bella stiffened in my arms while I could hear Charlie's fuzzy thoughts. I would guess they centred on fishing.

"Should your father know I'm here?" I asked.

Her body tensed and her heart increased its rate slightly.

"I'm not sure …" she seemed hesitant.

I knew there wasn't time for a discussion.

"Another time then …"