CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR—MEMORIES
It was my first day back at home. Without a word to anyone, I headed straight to my room and locked the door. Sitting on my bed, I looked around. There, hanging on the wall opposite to my bed, was the instrument I loved—my guitar. It felt like ages since the last time I struck it…
On one side of the room was my book shelf…I could almost see him again flipping through it…
And on my bedside table, I noticed my Galaxy Model standing there, as a painful memory came vividly in front of me.
"Could you please levitate that Galaxy Model to my bedside table?"
He gave me a questioning look. "Why?"
"I'd rather not have it broken when…"
I need not finish my sentence as he wordlessly whipped his wand and the model immediately lied safely on the table.
Before he could say a word, I kissed him feverishly on the lips, just like what we've done yesterday…except that this was somehow different. Yesterday, we were on the shades of the trees and it was wintry cold. Today, however, the two of us were on my bed. One moment, we were just sitting and next, he was lying on top of me without breaking the kiss. I felt my hands subconsciously fumbling on the buttons of his pajama top, and the next, I felt his warm, toned body next to mine. I was shocked to find that my pajama top was also missing that I stopped on my tracks and met his gaze above me.
"Lily?" he said tentatively in a somewhat breathless voice.
I blinked for a few moments, trying to shake the daze I've been suffering under his gaze. It took all my strength to stop myself from grabbing his dazzling face and start snogging him senseless again. "Scor..." I breathed. "We're both…shirtless."
He blinked his silver eyes for a few moments, looking down at my body, a pink tinge appearing on his cheeks. He shook his head and got up on top of me. Somehow, even though I sensed that Scor was embarrassed at misbehaving himself and somewhat removing my top, I didn't feel the need to cover up. I still have my bra, though, so there's really no need…
"So sorry, Lils," he said, sitting cross-legged on the bed, looking down. He wasn't bothering to put on his top, either. "I, er…"
"It's okay," I said, putting my forefinger and thumb on his chin, forcing him to look at me. "I've started it," I continued casually when I finally met his gaze, smiling. "Well, I think I'd prefer this shirtless snogging, don't you think? At least I'd have a new experience now that I'm sixteen…Besides, I reckon you've done this before."
He gave me a look of an odd sort of longing and said, "Of course I have," he said finally, "but it wouldn't compare now what I felt with you here…"
I moved closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and whispered, "Use Muffliato on the door, will you? I'd rather not let anyone bother us…"
He obeyed automatically, and we resumed our shirtless snogging session (keeping our pants on tightly, just in case). We kissed like we never had before, letting more walls down and just letting our emotions take over. I could almost determine the taste of his tongue, his lips, the every curve of his mouth...I let his hands travel on any part of me as mine traveled to his. It gave me pure pleasure just to feel his touch on me…I don't think I could pull him any closer than I have now.
I didn't know how long we've been kissing, nor did I care to. I've never felt myself happier…like a fire was lit inside me, burning me with pleasure and satisfaction. We continued kissing each other, and I suddenly felt myself on top of him instead of under…
Suddenly, he broke the kiss, but let his lips trail off along my jaw to my neck, and pulling us so that we're side-by-side, cuddling at each other.
I sighed contentedly. Even the mere embrace gave a very powerful feeling on me…and comfort.
I succumbed into tears, feeling myself breaking down again. That memory, for one shining moment, seemed so real…And yet, I realized that I was alone and that he would never come back again…That it was all just part of the past that I wanted so much to forget…
I couldn't…
"LILY! Time for breakfast!" Mum called down from the kitchens.
"In a minute!" I yelled back. I quickly changed into my Muggle clothing—shorts and an overlarge T-shirt. Summer was wearing on me and I became used to the daily routine I've been in throughout the season. Waking up, sitting up on my bed and thinking, snapping out of my reverie when my mum called me already, eating breakfast, coming back to my room to think, showering for awhile while letting my thoughts wander, eating lunch, coming back to my room and brood again, or otherwise going out of house, eating dinner, and back to my room and brood until I fell asleep…
"Morning," I said as I take a seat beside Al. "What's for breakfast?"
Al graduated already but unlike James, he didn't take the usual around the world trip. Instead, he was planning to take a job as curse-breaker at Gringotts once he gets his NEWTs. On the other hand, James accepted an offer to play for the Chudley Cannons, to Uncle Ron's delight. He was resuming his old position at school as Beater there.
"The usual, apparently," Al answered, shrugging. "Toast, Lily?"
The concerned tone in which he used when offering me some toast made me want to roll my eyes in annoyance. He's been doing that all summer, ever since Scor and I broke up.
Just before term ended, the day before we went home, he made sure to give him—Scor— a good, hard punch on the train. I didn't see it, though. I was carefully avoiding him at all costs. It was easier to avoid him, now, of course, but my dreams wouldn't help…Sometimes, it was his eyes, sometimes, I could only see his back…
But they were lessening now, though, for which I was glad. I didn't need any reminders of him. I tucked away all the things he gave me at the bottom of my trunk. I always feel some tears slip whenever I see them…
"Thanks, Al," I said tersely, taking the platter of toast from him.
"Lily," Dad said, emerging in the cavernous room, "your letters arrived. Here"—he handed me two heavily-enveloped letters—"and here're your NEWTs, Al."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Al gulped nervously. I sighed and opened first the letter with my OWLs results.
After reading them, I beamed. It was the first time I smiled that way since I went home and I felt my mouth seemed stiff.
"What is it?" Al asked, still not opening his own NEWTs results.
"Four Outstanding," I said, trying not to, but failing, sound smug. "Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Transfiguration and Potions, and Exceeds Expectations on Herbology, Ancient Runes, Care of Magical Creatures and Astronomy. Acceptable only in History of Magic, but who pays attention to that subject, anyway?"
Everyone grinned at me, glad to see a change in me, the light returning in to my eyes. Al managed to give a small smile but kept glancing furtively at the heavy envelope in front of him on the table.
"Just open it, Al," I said curiously.
He sighed and nodded. I scrutinized his face, trying to guess what his results might be. Suddenly, he broke into a big smile. "All 'O's except for Herbology, 'E'."
I grinned at him. "Good job, Al! Now you can follow Uncle Bill's lead on curse-breaking."
"Yeah," he muttered, staring down at his results again.
"Anyway," James said, "open the next parchment, Lils. You'll never know, there might be an extra something in there." He gave me a pointed look and I raised an eyebrow at him, but opened the next letter, nonetheless. It seemed heavier than usual.
A badge fell on the table with a small clang and I took one look at it and beamed. "Whoa," I muttered in awe, "I'm Captain."
"That makes three of us," James beamed.
"No," Dad interjected, "that makes all of us. I was Captain when I was at school and—"
"—me, too, when he left the school," Mum said, giving Dad a look. "He wanted so badly to become an Auror, he abandoned his studies for a while…and me."
"It's ages ago, Mum," James interjected. "Anyway, we're a Quidditch family, aren't we? Well, only I had enough guts to join a National team, though."
"Yeah, because you're so arrogant and cheeky," I teased and we all laughed. I never felt better than before. I'm glad to have my family with me in times like this.
"So, is Des coming over here later?" I asked Al. Des moved out of our house a week after the summer began. Her parents, with Brett, fetched her, begging her to come back. She and Nate were now back in their mansion and I only knew to well that Des was happy to be back there, with her family in a different and improving perspective.
"Yeah, she's bound to come in about an hour now," he answered.
"Does she know what job you're going to take?"
"'Course she knows. I told her ages ago, at school."
I closed my eyes, reminiscing, in what seemed like a lifetime ago, him telling me he wanted to become an Auror.
"What d'you mean?" he asked sharply and I winced at his tone.
"Well…what career are you pursuing? What work are you—?"
"Auror," he answered, and I looked up to see him assessing my reaction.
"What?" I blurted out. "You—you're going to—what?"
"I want to become an Auror," he said in a sure voice.
I frowned. "You're going to have to work with my dad with that career you choose," I muttered. "He's Head of the Auror Department…"
I stopped my train of thought on that. It was painful enough without remembering this kind of memories.
"I'm done with breakfast," I told them all, standing up and gathering my letters.
I sat myself inside my room, on my bed. Willing myself to calm down, I thought, You'll get over him soon…It's bound to be, just wait…give it more time…
Time.
Time seemed to be slowing down when I wanted so badly for it to speed up. I've been counting my days before my return to Hogwarts. It felt like months already, but it's only three weeks and four days since I got back.
I wondered how they do it, Des and Kat. Not so long ago, though it seemed like a lifetime before, Des and Kat flitted through different boys, and move on…well, in Kat's case, she would cry a bit, but that's just that. I know those two have matured now, and that they seemed to have serious relationships for once with Al and Jonathan, but I wondered how they do it…moving on.
I decided to shower a bit, letting all thoughts wash away…
"You've got to stop this, Lily," Des said that evening when the two of us were talking inside my room. "You don't have to—to look strong or anything. You could cry while I'm here and let it all out."
"I'm done crying, Des," I said. "You've seen me at school. I've—I've shed enough tears for him as it is."
And my thoughts wandered back to that agonizing moment…
I didn't how long I've been sitting there on the floor of that room, with my head between my knees, tears leaking out of my eyes like raindrops…
We're done…
He's going to leave…
I'm going to have to find someone else…
He is going to find someone…
We're done…
I found it hard to get it all around my head as I continued to sob endlessly. It seemed like I've only been there for minutes, but when I finally looked up, I saw, outside the window, that there were stars already—twilight.
I should get a grip, I told myself, but my feet were stiff and numb and wouldn't stand up…I merely stared at no where, faraway, in some space that even I couldn't see…
There were no more tears to shed. My eyes were dry already and it felt as though I've lost all the liquid in my eyes.
Just then, I heard footsteps outside and the outline of a tall woman with dark long hair came before me. I blinked for a few moments and focused my eyes…
"Des," I said in a voice so small it didn't sound like mine. She was holding a ragged piece of parchment on one hand and wore a very worried expression on her face.
"Lily, what happened?" she asked, sitting next to me and putting an arm around my shoulder.
"He—I—he's…going to Greece…and live there, after graduation…" I said in a thick voice.
Des didn't say a word for a moment. After what seemed like a lifetime, she said, "I'm here Lily. Don't worry; you're going to be fine."
With that, she joined me in the silence for some time before the two of us departed to our dormitories.
"…but I could see you're not—"
"I hate to break it to you, Des," I said in a hollow voice, "but I'm trying to move on. Do you think I want to wallow in self pity?"
"I didn't mean it—"
"I know you don't," I cut in. "Just…just for once, shut up about it. It's getting all harder every time you remind me."
She bit her lip but nodded.
At the first Saturday of August, Des and I went to shopping in Diagon Alley. Kat was visiting her great aunts and uncles so she wasn't able to come.
Travelling by Floo to the Leaky Cauldron, I looked at my surroundings and painful reminders flashed in my eyes once more.
He was there, hovering near me.
I barely knew him back then... A spell was going to hit Al, but I threw myself in front of him and took the spell instead…I could see the clouds, but I could also see the blurred outline of him, his face filled with fury at the person who sent me lying on the ground. He sent a spell at him and walk towards my direction…
He hovered near me, whispering healing spells on my cuts. I saw his face, and knew no more…
I didn't noticed that I closed my eyes while reminiscing the first of the many memories I had with him until I felt a hand on my shoulder and snapped out of it. Des was there, looking confused.
"Why were you closing your eyes?" she asked and I was relieved that she did not seem to notice the thing that was tampering with my thoughts.
"Nothing…I just had some soot on my eyes," I lied and changed the subject quickly. "So where are we going first?"
She thought for a moment and said, "Madam Malkin's first. I don't want to carry books around all day."
"Sure," I agreed as she tapped the right bricks on the wall to the entrance of Diagon Alley.
No matter how hard I try, though, his thoughts still swirled in my mind. Every time I look in the mirror, I see myself, with him standing next to me, but vanish with a blink of an eye. I don't tear up anymore, no. But I don't move forward, either. Something was still reminding me of him that I couldn't quite put my finger in to.
A fortnight since the beginning of August, my Dad sought to talk to me.
"Lily," he called, knocking on my bed room door.
I scrambled my thoughts away from that certain person who occupied my mind every time I'm alone and slowly made my way towards the door.
Opening it, I asked, "What is it, Dad?"
He fixed me a concerned look that I learned to associate with Al and grimaced. "I need to talk to you."
"If this is about—"
"Yes," he cut in, pushing his way inside and closing the door. "I hate to see my little daughter all put out like that. It's hard seeing you like that, Lily."
"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied feebly. I've never been much of a feeble liar than now.
"I'm you're father, Lily. I could tell."
"I don't want to talk about it," I said stubbornly.
He sighed, sitting down on the edge of my bed and gestured me to do the same. I did so, albeit reluctantly.
"There came a time," he said, looking at the door, "when you're mum and I also separated, though I didn't want to."
"It's different," I muttered. "There was a war."
"It is the same," he said patiently. "I didn't have a choice. He doesn't have a choice." I was glad of my dad's thoughtfulness of not using his name but couldn't help feeling a little bit aggravated.
"I don't need to talk about this, dad," I insisted.
He continued as if he didn't hear me. "I really love your mum when I've grown of age, and yet she fancied me since she was a kid. I only got to spend a little time with her before going in to the war against Voldemort. But somehow, after it, we're still together…"
"That doesn't relate whatsoever with my current position," I said.
"It does," he said, turning to look at me. "When the time comes, you'll find yourself someone right for you. If it was still him, then it will work out some time. Not everything works out on first try; you just got to take the risk of trying it again and it may end on either failing again, or winning what you want."
"Dad, I'm still sixteen," I sighted.
"I was sixteen when I fell in love with your mum," he interjected. "Age doesn't matter, Lily. What matters is what and who you choose."
With that, he stood up and left my room without another word.
Others may have felt awkward to talk about something like that to their father but somehow, what he said gave me another, slightly thicker, line of comfort.
On the last night of August, just after I finished packing my clothes, books and stuff in my trunk, someone unexpected sent me a letter.
Dear Lily,
I'm sorry if we haven't had a better goodbye back on the train. I know you weren't in any state to talk to me back then. I wanted to apologize for everything that transpired. I should've convinced my cousin to go on with the career that he wants, but I know his Father means everything to him. He didn't want to disappoint him, but I know he's still—well, he's in Greece now. He and Al made up yesterday just before he left…but I'm quite sure Al didn't tell you that.
I know you're still not at all fine; Al told me. I know you don't want to hear my pity or sympathies, so I'm just going to tell you this—be strong. I know you'll get over this. Good luck at school, and congrats on getting the Captain badge. I know you'd get it.
Take care of yourself.
Love,
Andrew
There's only one thing that I got around my head from this letter—he's already gone.
Time to move on...
Time to change…
Time to say goodbye to the old Lily…
Deciding in barely a second, I grabbed a pair of scissors from my bedside drawer and cut my waist-length red hair until it hung just on my shoulders. Looking in the mirror, I scrutinized my appearance and managed a small, stiff smile. It made me look different—stronger and fiercer than I was.
Though a part of me regretted cutting it, I wanted it the way it was. Somehow, I felt that I could manage once more looking in the mirror and seeing just me, without him behind. Maybe—just maybe—I could abandon the old me, or a part of it, behind and start a new life.
"Lily dear, will you help me—Merlin's pants! What did you do with your hair?" Mum exclaimed, dropping the pan of fried eggs with a clang, staring at me incredulously.
"I cut it, apparently," I said, shrugging. "I think my long hair's getting a bit boring."
"Right. Will you help me with the—oh, never mind. I dropped it out of surprise…" She waved her wand and the mess of the eggs vanished, the pan returning to the stove, ready to fry some more.
"It looks good on you, your hair," Mum said.
I smiled. "Thanks."
Just then, Dad entered the kitchens and stopped on his tracks, looking at me through his glasses, his emerald eyes wide with surprise.
"Whoa, Lily—why the sudden cut of hair?"
I shrugged. "Well, I've always had a long hair. I thought maybe it's time for a change."
"You still look beautiful to me," he smiled.
"Who's beautiful?" James muttered, appearing behind Dad and stopped on his tracks, too. Suddenly, his face broke into a grin.
"My little sister's growing up, already!" he said cheerfully. "You look more aggressive and attractive, Lils," he complimented teasingly.
"Thanks, James," I said pointedly. "Yes, I do know I look attractive."
"Don't forget aggressive," he teased. "Anyway, I bet more boys will line up for you this year, especially—" he suddenly cut off midsentence, noticing his mistake. He just reminded me of the thing I wanted so badly to forget. "—er, because you've got a—a better look than before."
I bit my lip, thinking of what to say. "Yeah. Maybe I look like a male's comfort room that boys will line up for me," I said sarcastically, thanking Merlin that I didn't say anything dramatic.
He chuckled, glad that I was able to take it lightly. "Well, anyway, wait 'til Al sees."
Right on cue, a tuff of black head appeared on the doorway. Looking up, Al's eyes caught my newly-cut hair and frowned. "What happened to your hair?"
"I cut it, you dolt," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Yeah, I could definitely see it," he snapped, "but why?"
"Because I wanted something new, apparently," I said, hoping against hope that Al won't voice what I think he was thinking. He was being annoyingly observant these days, ever since that event…
After a few moments thinking, he said finally, "It looks good on you."
"Enough talk about my hair, though," I said. "When are you going to start practicing with the Cannons, James?"
He grinned. "Today. I'm going there after seeing you off to school."
I sighed. This would be my first journey to Hogwarts without any of my brothers. It wasn't that I hangout with them often, it was just that I liked their company better than my friends at the moment. I was one hundred percent sure I would be another piece of gossip at the start of term.
"LILY!"
"How come you cut your hair?"
"That haircut looks good on you!"
"Oh, you look so much better and more mature!"
I was bombarded with compliments of my friends and, some people I don't know, by the time that I reached the train. I smiled at them, grateful to be talked about something that would center around me, and me only.
"Hey, Lily," said Robert Davies, a seventh year prefect and Captain of the Ravenclaw Team, as I entered the prefect's compartment and sat beside him. "Nice haircut," he commented with a smile.
"Thanks," I said, smiling back.
"Whoa," he said suddenly, staring at something on my robes. "You're Captain?"
I looked down at what he was looking at and saw that it was my Captain's badge. Grinning, I nodded. "Surprised, huh?"
He shrugged. "Not so much. You're the best Seeker at school, and besides, both your brothers were Captains, there's a good chance of your team winning if it was you."
I grinned. "Well, maybe I could take down the Ravenclaw Captain easily," I said teasingly.
"We'll see," he said, grinning at the challenge of it.
Just then, the Head Girl arrived and sat beside Davies.
"Forgot to tell you," he said, smiling slightly at me, "I'm not drop off the Captainship. I preferred to remain Keeper but I couldn't take the responsibilities of a Captain, anymore. I'm Head Boy now."
"What?" I asked incredulously but he averted his eyes without saying anything.
He and the Head Girl began discussing rules and regulations and responsibilities, blah-blah-blah…
I didn't pay attention to it and let my mind drift on my own world again.
I remembered the first time I came inside here—the first time I became a prefect, exactly a year ago.
I remembered sitting next to Jonathan and turning to find him sitting here—exactly the same seat I was sitting on right now. I closed my eyes, savoring the thoughts I know wouldn't happen again…
"—and that's it," the Head Girl said. "Any questions?"
When none raised their hands, we all scrambled out of our compartments and let the fifth years start patrols.
"How's the meeting?" Kat asked as I entered our compartment.
"Lousy," I said, sitting beside her, in front of Des. "Did I miss anything?"
"Loads," Des said, grinning mischievously. "Many were bombarding us with questions like, 'Would you help me ask Potter out?' or 'Is she available again?' or 'Do you think she'll say yes if I ask her out today?'" She stared at me, shaking his head and grinning. "Honestly, I couldn't—oh, here it goes again."
Just then, the compartment door flew open and a boy with brown hair and eyes whose name I couldn't remember peered in. He was tall and looked quite good-looking.
"Hi," he said confidently, directly looking at me. "You might not remember me—I'm Joseph Clarke, fifth year, Ravenclaw. I'm one of the new prefects this year." He flashed me a would-be dazzling smile, but as I expected enough, it didn't work for me.
"Hello," I said politely, smiling in return, though I left a little hesitation show on my face. "D'you need anything? You could ask the Head Boy or Head Girl about prefect stuff, you know."
"No…um, actually…" I was delighted to hear his earlier confidence falter a bit. "…I was wondering whether, er…now that you're not going out with Malfoy anymore and—"
"You could do with learning more tact," Des cut in sharply and I saw him look at the beautiful girl fearfully.
"Er, sorry. I'll just—leave."
"Good."
He quickly closed the door and practically run out. I sighed.
"Do you think I'd have to endure those dramatics for a whole year?"
Des frowned. "No, you don't; not if you decided to go out with one of those blokes."
"Let's think," I said with an air of sarcasm, "I just had the most dramatic breakup of the year, and that includes those memories hunting me for more than two months now. And you two know as much as I do that I was and…and still in love with him. Do you honestly think I could start going out with someone already?"
Another memory flashed in my mind—the most painful one yet that I could suppress no more.
"Lily…I don't know how it happened but…I don't know if I should tell you this now but…" My heart was beating faster and faster…any second now.
"Lily…I love you."
I stared at him for a few moments, letting it all sink in. He loves me, I thought airily. He loves me…
I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and said, "Is this all just a dream?"
Without breaking eye contact, he shook his head.
Slowly, quite hesitantly, I put my arms around his neck, stood on tiptoes, and whispered in his ear, "I love you, too."
I knew even before the words left my lips that they were true. I knew that they were genuine, even if I'm only sixteen and dated only one guy in my life. I knew I love him even before, I knew that I love it when he just got me curious, or else furious…when those were the times that I barely knew the real him.
And without warning, he scooped me up from the ground, and brought me inside an empty class room. Upon casting a Silencing Charm upon it, he gave me a pure look of love and longing.
Leaning his forehead on mine, holding my face in both of his, he gave me a dazzling smile that he only reserved for me. "I love you, Lily." I smiled. "And if you ever take back what you said…I swear I'll die."
I closed the distance between us, putting my legs on his waist and kissing him like I never had before…feeling like I never had before. I could feel his lips, his tongue, the skin of his neck…I could feel his hands on mine, feel my jumper sliding out of me…but just that. I was glad because I didn't want to do anything more intimate just yet…
I felt him put me down on a couch some where, still kissing me. With an incredible strength, I pulled him beside me. Suddenly, the two of us went rolling down the couch, on to the floor, side by side and facing the ceiling. The clock outside struck midnight and Scor turned around to face me, his hair disheveled, his smiling lips swollen, his silver eyes alight. "I guess you've just given me the best gift I could ever receive…"
I smiled back, playing with the tufts of his hair. "Yeah…happy birthday…" I sighed in content.
"I love you, Scor…"
"I love you , too, Lils…"
And we kissed once more.
I stopped my train of thought at that, my heart beating fast and my whole frame shaking at the vivid image on my mind. I pulled my legs up on my seat and put my head between my knees, letting the tears flow just like the time when my whole world fell apart.
I thought I've finished crying…I thought I was strong enough…
And yet, remembering that one shining moment, that moment when he said those three words, when I said those three words back, almost shattered my heart into pieces, knowing he was far away…
I didn't know it's harder to move on than I thought…it's harder, knowing that those memories we shared will hunt me forever.
I couldn't help tearing up a bit while writing this…Anyway, I've got nothing more to say other than, "Thanks for reading! Please review! I've been gritting my teeth while writing this. I want Scor back into the scene by the chapter after the next! I hope…"
PLEASE REVIEW!
Next Chapter—Sixth Year's No Spark (I've finished it already; just a bit of editing and I'll post it in a few days time.)
