Summary: Kurt has come up with an extra-special Valentine's surprise for his husband.
But Sebastian might not like it.
Notes: Remember that whole 'Elf on a Shelf' saga? If you don't, you may want to go back and give yourself a refresher xD
"Ku-urt … oh Ku-urt …" Sebastian sings, fluffing the pillow behind his head and adjusting the comforter covering the lower half of his body as he waits for his lover to emerge from the bathroom.
"Yes?"
"We only have the one night sans Thomas to celebrate Valentine's Day, you know."
"I know that."
"At the strike of ten in the morning, your stepmom and dad will bring him back here, drop him off on our doorstep, and poof! We'll be responsible parents again."
"I know that, too."
"Knowing Carole, she'll want to stay the afternoon and talk about every episode of every season of 'The Great British Baking Show' while your dad throws pop-ups to Thomas in the yard."
"What's your point, Bas?"
"The point is, if you're going to spend all night in the shitter, can you let me know now? That way I can get started romancing myself out here."
"Don't … you … dare!" Kurt snaps, louder and clearer so Sebastian knows he has his mouth pressed up to the crack in the door. "I'm trying to make tonight special for us. So many of our Valentine's Days just run together. Don't you want one that's memorable?"
"That's absurd! Oof!" Sebastian crosses his hands in his lap, accidentally smacking them down over his throbbing cock. "I remember every single Valentine's Day we've ever spent together."
Kurt's rustling in the bathroom stops. "You do?"
"A-ha. Last year, you gave me a blowjob at that movie theater in the city. And the year before that, I gave you a blowjob in the parking lot of Sergio's Italian Restaurant. And the year before that …"
"Let me guess," Kurt says drily, "I gave you a blowjob?"
"Nope." Sebastian grins. "69 in the backseat of my car."
"Fantastic."
"Exactly. I would like to continue this tradition of oral pleasure, so please come on out."
"Sebastian …"
"Kurt! I wasn't a cheerleader like you … grr …" he says, mocking a strained groan. "I can't … mmph … bend myself in half … urgh … and suck my own dick."
"Alright, alright! Just one more minute!"
"You said that over an hour ago! I want to get started making the boing-boing with my sexy husband, so get your butt out here!"
Kurt snickers. "Boing-boing? Wasn't he the imaginary friend from Inside Out?"
"That was Bing Bong," Sebastian corrects with a solemn sniffle over the dismal fate of his favorite character.
"That's right."
"Yes, it is. Now make with your naked body on my naked body. Chop-chop!"
"Okay, Mr. Bossy." Kurt giggles. The sound sends shivers down Sebastian's spine, reigniting the intensity of his partially squashed member. "But are you ready for me?"
"Readier than I'll ever be."
"Let's hope so."
Sebastian hears the lock on the door click, sees the doorknob turn, and subconsciously, he holds his breath. Kurt has been in that bathroom getting ready for an hour. Before that, they spent a good thirty minutes undressing one another, slowly undoing buttons and pulling down zips, ghosting lips and tongues over erogenous zones. But just when Sebastian was preparing to take his husband's cock into his mouth, Kurt slammed on the brakes and slipped away, with the excuse that he had something "special" planned.
Sebastian is all for play in the bedroom, but they could have fucked first, then went for the kinky stuff after.
Well, he's been a good boy and he's waited this long. It's time for the show.
During the excruciating seconds Kurt takes opening the door, Sebastian visualizes his husband in numerous outfits from their sexual past – leather gear, lace lingerie, a plethora of animal-themed catsuits, complemented by a variety of accessories from full on glam makeup to handcuffs and blindfolds. Backlit by Kurt's vanity, Sebastian can't tell what his husband has on as he slinks out. Red velvet maybe? With a white marabou trim? And bright red lipstick? He's definitely wearing heels in the form of knee high black patent leather boots. They make him look a foot taller!
Sebastian sucks in a breath. He hopes they're stilettos.
But as his eyes adjust to the lowlight and Kurt comes completely into view, solid terror grips Sebastian by the throat, and he starts climbing up the headboard to put distance between himself and the monstrosity that seems to have devoured his husband whole.
But it's just his husband in a costume.
His gorgeous husband, dressed as Elf on a Shelf.
"Nope!" Sebastian squeals, putting up a hand to keep Elf Kurt at a distance. "Nope nope nope nope NOPE!"
"What?" Kurt pouts, sitting on the foot of the bed and striking the same cross-legged pose as the Elf on the packaging. "Don't you like it?"
"Kurt!" Sebastian screeches, scrambling off the bed when he realizes that what he'd mistaken as white face makeup is actually a rubber mask, the eyes cut in creepy ovals with Kurt's peeking out at him in a Michael Myers-esque fashion. "Where the hell did you even get that!?"
"Wish."
"Why … why are you doing this!?"
"Well," Kurt says, crawling across the bed to get at his husband, who trips backwards over his heels and lands on his back on the floor, "it occurs to me that I was clearly the winner of our little holiday prank war. But not only did you have to one up me, you one-upped me twice, even after we'd agreed to let things lie. So here I am, making a comeback, and enacting some well-deserved revenge!"
"And you waited till Valentine's Day!?"
"You know what they say, Sebastian …" Kurt inches forward, his voice gravelly and sinister, in contrast to the rosy cheeks and perma-smile of the Elf mask face "… revenge is a dish best served cold. And babe, this dish is ice cold!"
Sebastian gulps hard. His brows pinch, eyes searching left and right for a way to escape. He scuttles backward like a crab and jumps to his feet, but his sore tailbone screams when he tries to stand. Kurt gets to him after that attempt quicker than quick, and Sebastian gives up on the idea of escape when his husband straddles his legs. Normally this position would be a total turn-on, especially considering the soft, skin tight fabric clinging to Kurt's legs and brushing Sebastian's bare crotch. But aside from wondering what heinous allergic reaction Kurt risked in order to get the upper hand like this, Sebastian can't help blaming himself for this horror movie predicament he's found himself in.
It was bound to happen eventually, after all the ribbing, the jokes, and the pranks he's pulled on Kurt.
His husband has finally snapped.
"Come on, Sebastian," Kurt whispers. "Give me a little kiss … or declare me the winner!"
"Okay!" Sebastian yelps as Kurt presses cringey, rubbery pecks to his chin and jaw. "Okay, you win! You win, you win, you win! Take this off! I yield! I yield! I fucking yield!"
