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Chapter 48- I scoop poop

Dear Diary,

It's finally over. I made it to final day of the year. Finally it's over. This year has been the most crazy, uncontrolled, insane, amazing, horrifying, and saddest time of my life. I could honestly write hundreds of pages on how I am feeling about this year, but it all ended the same. Happiness. This year ended with happiness. With all the things that happened, I don't regret it…

because it made me stronger.

I kept staring at the digital clock on the bedside table. It was like I was waiting for it to change. Not for it to go forward like a normal clock should do, but for it to go back. Although I didn't regret what happened to me, didn't mean there wasn't anything I wanted to change. Jiro, for example…gosh, I was I was a better sister. If only I spent more time with him then spending time lying in bed like a depressed teenager after a major breakup. I could just hear his laughter on a Saturday morning when we watch cartoons together.

I sighed heavily, turning on my back, staring at the green, 3-D square designs on the ceilings. The sun was shining through, odd for a December day, and I knew I should've been up taking care of my daughter. And yet, I couldn't get myself out of bed.

It was strange. It was an exhausting feeling, but also a feeling of being scared. I hadn't slept well for the past few days. I would lie awake during the night, scared of rejection. My back would face Sesshomaru so he wouldn't know, but I was pretty sure he did. He did feel my emotions. Plus, he's been giving me a strange look recently at dinner. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten that much? I don't know.

I managed to move out of bed, feeling my whole body feel absolutely weakened. That's what I get for not sleeping at night, worrying about nothing.

My whole journey up to this point was to be able to see Saika. She was the reward and gift Sesshomaru and I received after going through all this shit…and it still wasn't over. And as I looked outside, I wondered what there was to come and when it would finally end.

A knock on the door interrupted my morning thoughts as Sesshomaru walked in, giving me a surprised look.

"You're finally up," he exclaimed, closing the door. "I thought you were going to stay in bed today."

I crossed my arms in a tired way. "Why?"

"I could tell you weren't feeling all that great, and you didn't get much sleep last night."

I walked over to him, avoiding eye contact and shrugged. "I'm just…tired. Trying to adjust to being a mom I guess." My arms dropped and gave him a confused look. "Wow that was so weird to say."

He gave a small chuckle, and rubbed my arms. "I think we are both trying to adjust to it."

I watched him walk over to the closet, disappearing behind the doors. "So, where is she anyways?"

"With Izayoi," he answered, coming out with two dress shirts, a black one and a white one. "Which one?"

I raised my eyebrow. "You're worried about fashion now?"

"You should always be prepared, Rin."

"Why are you going through dress clothing?"

He expressed a look of confusion towards me like I had missed a memo…I had definitely missed a memo. Crap. "The New Year's Eve party is tonight, Rin. I told you about this yesterday and the day before that…."

I pursed my lips. "Damn, sorry. I…forgot."

That was when his eyes narrowed. Oh man, when he does this I know my mental emotions are too hard for him to read and my facial expression…not that much different. "Rin, is there something you aren't telling me?"

I shook my head. I think I told him everything. I believe I did. Unless I was forgetting something that I needed to tell him but my brain was too full of stupid thoughts to remember it.

"Because you've honestly been very quiet lately, and you've been avoiding…everyone the last few weeks we've been back."

I sighed. "Sorry, Sesshomaru, I've just not been…myself lately. I honestly have no idea what is going on."

"Did X send you another text?"

I shook my head. "No, they've been quiet. I don't know it's probably just post pregnancy tiredness or something." I walked to him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him down slightly as I went on my tippy toes. "I'll get over it after tonight."

I kissed him, dragging him deeper in. I heard the clothes in his hands drop, as his hands travelled to my waist, pulling me closer. Our feet moved, and like clockwork, I knew where this was heading. Oh Gods, I wish we could have gone further than two nervous teenagers at a party only going to first base, but doctors' orders.

I pulled away, smiling. "See, I already feel much better."

I heard him slightly growl as he rested his head on my shoulder. "This post-pregnancy with no sexual interaction is destroying me."

I giggled. "We can have sexual interaction, just no…." Yes, I was embarrassed to say the word - very embarrassed. It was one of those words that you couldn't help but blush. Especially when saying it in front of your hot history teacher/ mate.

It reminded me that I was still a teenage girl. Eighteen was so confusing sometimes.

He pulled his head away. "No, what?" he raised his eyebrow. Dammit, why did he have to do that! He was doing this on purpose, asking me the most embarrassing question ever. No, what? You no, what you stupid sexy…fuck!

And I probably have the strangest expression on my face right now.

He gave me a chuckle, kissed me on the forehead, and disappeared back into the closet. "Why don't you go downstairs to get something to eat? I'll be down there soon."

"Okay," I said, dazed.

I shut the door behind me, leaning against it. To be honest, I wasn't all that ready to go downstairs. It was strange. I had this built up anxiety in my chest about seeing Saika. She was my daughter though, so I had no reason why I should be nervous to see a ten day old infant.

I slowly made my way down the stairs, legs shaking, my body and mind just not wanting to be there, screaming at me to run away. But it was my heart that made me go on. The love.

I entered the kitchen were bright laughter and conversation was happening. Several of the kitchen staff worked quietly in the background getting ready for tonight. My mom and Izayoi both stood at one of the many large islands, drinking tea, while Saika sat in her small high chair, snoozing. She looked so cute, and I smiled gracefully at her.

"Rin," my mom proclaimed, walking around the large island, giving me a hug. "How did you sleep? Are you feeling okay?"

I blinked. "I'm fine, Mom. What are you doing here? I thought you were going home for New Year's."

"Izayoi invited us to the party so I thought I would help her prepare a bit, even though most of the work is being done by party planners. But I also haven't heard from you. You haven't been picking up your phone and I got a little worried."

I shook my head. "I'm okay. Just a little tired."

"You know, Rin. If you need to talk, you know I'm here. I know I wasn't for the past year, but I think, for both of us, this year hasn't exactly been heaven."

I nodded in agreement.

"Just want you to know that I love you and that you can come to me whenever you need help."

Man, why did I want to cry into her arms all of a sudden. "Thanks, Mom."

"Are you hungry, Rin?" Izayoi asked.

I hesitated for a moment. I wasn't really hungry, but I knew I probably should eat. I gave her a quick nod, replying, "Sure."

I sat down beside her sleeping daughter, glancing over at her sleeping face. I couldn't help but be enhanced with her beauty. She had the perfect facial features, obviously genes from Sesshomaru. Her hair was a shimmering white, and probably felt like silk. My hand reached out to touch the thin strands from her forehead, and when I touched her, there was a soft, electric feeling. It wasn't a shock but warmth. I pushed the strands from her face, feeling the silk-like hair leave my fingers. "My beautiful daisy."

When I pulled back I found her eyes had opened, looking right into mine. I gasped suddenly from the unexpected action, feeling the anxiety creep back in. I was scared she was going to cry or be bothered by my touch, but all she did was look at me. Her golden eyes stared into mine like she was trying to figure out who I was.

Then I realized I was a stranger to my own daughter.

Izayoi placed a plate of steaming rice and some eggs in front of me, and I looked at it with a nauseous feeling. I no longer wanting to even look at food, and when I did, I felt like I was going to vomit. Crap.

And on top of that Saika kept her eyes on me. Even when I looked away to my food, I knew she was looking. My anxiety sky rocketed. I breathed deeply. She was just a baby, Rin…not like you haven't been near one before.

I turned to her and smiled. And all she did was stare back.

So I started to eat. A few small mouthfuls of rice first. Didn't want to go overboard. Even Izayoi and Mom were watching. What was I? A TV show?

"What?" I gave them a questioning glance, and they giggled in response.

"Just seeing how Saika is reacting to your eating, Rin," Izayoi smiled. "She seems very interested."

I looked back at her with a curious glance. I guess she was too, although she was very hard to read. I think all babies were hard to read anyways, but Saika had Sesshomaru's stoic expression. Wow, wonder what he was like as a baby.

Come to think of it, I haven't even met Sesshomaru's mother yet. Hell, he hasn't even mentioned her to me. Since Izayoi came into his life when both his parents split, I wonder what he thought of her. What the heck…I didn't even know anything about Sesshomaru! What was his favourite colour again? Shit.

"Hey, Izayoi," I asked out of the blue. Crap, didn't actually mean to start it. Well, here goes nothing. "I was wondering what Sesshomaru was like when he was a kid."

She gave me a confused look, probably wondering why I wasn't asking him instead. "As a kid? Hm, well, I didn't know him as a kid. I met him when he looked around your age but he wasn't the same guy as he is today."

I nodded. "Was he…that different?" I had no idea how to word things.

She looked around, thinking. "He was…how should I say this…" then looked back at me. "…not someone you wanted to cross paths with."

My skin crawled. Immediately I thought serial killer, psychopath, or monster. "What…what do you mean?" I asked nervously.

She opened her mouth, hesitated, then smiled. "Why don't you ask him? He can probably tell you a lot more than I can."

"Oh, well…he doesn't really like to talk about his past much." Actually, I didn't think I ever asked him about his past. Fuck, what was wrong with me? I was the worst. "I…I was just curious to know what you thought of him."

She shook her head. "It was so long ago, Rin. I can barely remember. The only thing I can tell you was he wasn't the nicest demon out there. But today, he's like another son to me."

I nodded, knowing that was all the information I would get out of her. I would have to ask Sesshomaru later. Maybe have a nice dinner and ask everything I could about him. A round of twenty questions. Yes, that would definitely do it.

But a part of me was scared to ask those questions. What would be his reaction to my curiosity? Maybe that was why I didn't ask before. I was too scared. Because deep down…

…I knew what he was.

What he could do.

His claws – protected me – but could easily rip me to shreds.

His fangs – grazed against my neck so smoothly when we made love – could bit my neck open and bleed me out.

His strength – loved me – but could strangle the life out of my body.

He was dangerous, and the look in Izayoi's eyes when she was answering my questions was filled with nothing but worry and fear.

A slight murmur of a cry brought my attention to the little one beside me. Saika was looking at me, with her eyes filling quickly with tears. Oh crap.

Then a full out wail began. I stood up, not knowing what to do. I grew nervous. Izayoi came over and picked her up. "Oh, someone needs their diaper changed," she said in a baby voice. Sounded so weird. She looked at me. "Rin, do you want to do it? I have so much to do still for tonight."

"Uh…" NO! NO! NO! My mind screamed. My legs wanted to turn and run. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took her into my arms, trying to ignore the loud crying entering my ears.

Then I started to make my way upstairs, trying to make soothing noises like I did when I babysat my little brothers when I was twelve. But I was twelve! I had more knowledge about this stuff back then!

I made it to the nursery without breaking down, crying in front of the maids in the hall. I placed Saika on the table where she squirmed, probably screaming in her mind 'CHANGE ME MOTHERFUCKER!' I mean…I would think the exact same thing.

I breathed deeply, already noticing the horrible stench of poop. Oh gods… "Ok, I've done this before. Don't worry; I changed diapers when I was twelve with your uncles. It's the same thing…well, except I don't have to worry about them peeing on me." I giggled nervously. "Long story, I'll tell you when you're older."

I looked down at her where she was still crying. Oh come on.

My hands took off the nasty diaper. Oh my…it was…oh…NOPE! I dumped that right into the bin, and plopping it out into the hall, hoping one of the maids would pick it up. But honestly, I wouldn't blame them if they didn't.

My hands shook with the new diaper. She was still crying, and I was slowly struggling more and more.

"Can…can you please stop crying for a moment, Saika?" I muttered. "I…I just need…"

My breathing came in small huffs now. My head grew lighter than air. Air…where was the air?!

An attack was at the brink of destroying my mind.

I heard Sesshomaru's voice entering the room, asking me why there was a bag of diapers outside of the door…or I think he asked that. His voice was too far away and I was trying to concentrate…concentrate…why wasn't this damn diaper… "Fuck," I muttered under my breath.

Sesshomaru came over. "Rin…"

"I…I'm trying…this stupid diaper…she won't stop crying…and this diaper…dammit!"

He took my shaking hands into his and moved me slowly out of the way, sitting me down on the chair. He finished my job quickly, picking Saika up, and quickly calming her down. I didn't look at them. I just leaned forward, placing my hands on my forehead, and breathed.

"Did you get anything to eat yet, Rin?" he asked.

I pulled myself in an upright position and looked at him. Saika finally calmed down and had fallen back to sleep. "Not really. I'm sorry…I…" I blinked back the tears. "I just need to sleep for a bit."

So I got up and left, not waiting for his reply.

xXx

I fell asleep and awoke later to the sound of loud music below. It was already passed dusk and the stars had appeared in the sky. I looked at the clock to see it read 10:45pm. I was asleep for six hours, and I felt better.

I got up, looking in the closet for something to wear. Then I notice a red box on the dresser with a note saying "Wear me." I smiled, and opened it up, revealing a long, black, strapless dress.

I quickly pulled it on, and brushed my hair to be presentable.

"Okay…let's do this."

But when my hand grabbed the doorknob I paused, wondering what would happen when I went down. Was Sesshomaru mad? How was Saika? My stomach grumbled. Well, I was hungry, might as well get some food.

So I went down, trying not to trip on my four inch heels. Wasn't ready for six yet!

There were a lot of people. People everywhere. Security at the doors. The ballroom was packed. Man, did the Takahashi's ever throw a party. All considering last year was a real bang, I guess everyone in town was here, avoiding downtown.

I went to the food table first. What? I was really hungry now.

I started grabbing food and piling it on my plate. If anyone asked, I was pregnant again.

"Rin?" a female voice called behind me. I paused on chewing a strawberry and turned to see Kagome and Inuyasha.

"Hey!" I said with my mouth full.

"Looks like you got your appetite back," Inuyasha commented.

"Hm..." I replied.

"Ho are you…do?" Kagome yelled out over the music.

"Hm?" I leaned in, not knowing what she said.

"How are you doing?!" she yelled louder.

I nodded, raising my plate to give her a good answer.

"Nice!"

"Where is Sesshomaru?" I asked loudly.

Inuyasha was the one who answered. "Kitchen with a few others and Saika. It's a bit quieter in there."

I paused on chewing, hearing Saika's name, and nodded, placing another strawberry into my mouth. I moved through the crowd, noticing Ayame and Jak on the dance floor, and went out of the loud room and into the kitchen. The booming of the music could still be heard but it was a bit quieter. Inside, Sesshomaru stood talking to Shippo and Ami. Saika was in Sesshomaru's arms, asleep. I came over as the three noticed my presence.

"Rin!" Ami ran over, and hugged me before I could place my plate of food down. "I'm so happy to see you! Congratulations are in order. Saika is beautiful, and so calm. If only Michi was like that."

"Where is he?"

"At his grandmother's. I don't think he's a party animal. Hates loud noises." She shook her head. "But how are you doing? Mr. Takahashi was telling us you haven't been yourself lately. Everything alright?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I've just been tired. It's hard to believe I'm a mother."

"Don't worry, I was the same. You'll get used to it, and believe me you'll miss being alone." She laughed.

"You got your appetite back," I heard Sesshomaru say.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm really hungry now. Heck, I would actually believe myself to be pregnant again."

I laughed, while everyone gave me a strange look. Okay, I was trying to make a joke! A bad joke, but common! Guess being a comedian was out of my professional career.

"Joking, of course," I added. Clearly they needed context.

"I should put Saika down for the night," Sesshomaru said. "Rin, why don't stay here and catch up. I'll be right back." He gave me a quick kiss on the head, and left.

"Wow, I still can't believe you ended up being our history teacher's mate," Ami commented.

Shippo stepped in. "But I think you got something better," he said. "I don't think Sesshomaru would be able to give you the things I could."

I smiled at his comment, as I watched Ami giggle under the embrace of his arms. "You guys are really cute. Shippo is right, Ami."

"I know," she gave me a smile. "But I would like to know what is going on, Rin."

She gave Shippo a look of 'get-the-fuck-out-it's-girl-talk' which he knew right away, gave me a-nice-to-see you hug and left.

We both sat down at the kitchen stools as I began to tell what happened and how I've been feeling. She listened the entire time. Honestly, it was strange telling her all of it since we used to hate each other's guts, but talking to her felt simple and easy. She wasn't going to judge, but give me advice. Plus she was a mother, so I knew the things I was going through, she might've too.

"I see…sounds like you've been depressed."

I shook my head. "Not like I've been depressed, but really anxious. Saika…she's too…perfect? It's as if I don't deserve to be her mother because how beautiful she is. I get this feeling that I'll fail and let her down. I'm awestruck every time I see her, and get all nervous that I'll break anything I touch. It's like I'm intimidated by my own daughter."

"What you're feeling, Rin is perfectly fine. Many new mother's get it. I didn't, but I remember my mom did when she had my younger sister. She avoided her and was tired all the time. She always cried and didn't eat. But a few weeks later, she was better."

"So you're saying this is…temporary."

She nodded. "Exactly. Did your mom ever get this with your younger siblings?"

"I don't remember with Jun, but with Jiro and Ichiro she was fine. With me…I don't really know. Like I don't know what to do now."

Ami gave me a small smile. "I think what you need to do is be with Saika. Bond with her. She's your daughter. All she wants you to do is love her, even if she cries. Maybe that's her sign of love and affection?"

"She doesn't cry when Sesshomaru or Izayoi or anyone holds her. Only me."

"Oh…well…maybe she feels something with you? You can only try to connect with her more."

I nodded. "Okay, I will try."

She gave me a hug, telling me it would be all right in the end.

We heard Sesshomaru come in soon after. "Everything alright?" he asked.

We both looked at him and giggled.

"You know what, I don't need to know."

"Everything is eh-okay, Mr. Takahashi," Ami winked, passing him through the door. I stopped in front of him, watching her leave.

He gave me the raised eyebrow again. "I'm guessing you had an interesting conversation. Your mind is clearer now."

I shrugged. "I feel better. Ami gave me some good mother-to-mother advice that really helped. I think I'm going to be okay."

He wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in. "Good. I just put Saika down; do you want some fresh air?"

I nodded, grabbing his hand to lead me out.

We went out onto the large patio outside of the ballroom. There were a few people out enjoying a drink, smoke, excreta. But to me, it was just Sesshomaru and I. He wrapped his jacket around my bare shoulders and kissed my forehead.

"I thought you'd be mad at me," I said, under his kiss.

He pulled away, and gave me a look. "Why would I be mad?"

"Because I got frustrated at changing Saika's diaper and you had to step in."

"You got frustrated at changing Saika's diaper and I had to step in." He repeated. Wait, he didn't have to repeat me. "Rin, I'm not mad at that. I'm not mad at all. You know I can feel your emotions, and I came because I knew what was happening. It's okay to feel like that. I'm here to help."

"I just feel bad I can't help you."

"You are. Being here and being in Saika's presence is helping. I knew you ate beside her this morning. Izayoi told me." He pulled me into a hug and whispered in my ear. "I feel you and Saika have a very special bond."

"That's the same thing Ami told me."

We pulled away, and looked into each other's eyes. "I'm glad she was giving you good advice. She ended up being a nice girl."

"She's one of my best friends. I honestly can't imagine my life without her."

"I'm glad you have people in your life that can help."

"I have you to help me the most."

Man, even in high heels I still had to go on my tippy toes. He leaned down to meet my lips in a passionate kiss. When we pulled away they had started to count down.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight.

We both smiled at each other.

Seven.

Six.

Five.

His eyes never left mine.

Four.

Three.

Two.

Our arms tightened in our embrace.

One.

BOOM! BANG!

A firework erupted into the sky. More shot up, bursting out into colours of purples, greens, and blues, gold and silver. Sesshomaru and I locked lips again for the traditional New Year's kiss, and watched the fireworks with the rest of the crowd.

It was a great start to the New Year.

xXx

We ended up heading back to the room shortly after the fireworks. I was still tired and just wanted to have some alone time with Sesshomaru before this year started officially with diaper changes and baby feedings. But something felt off when we were heading back. I carried this feeling ever since the fireworks started, but thought it was nothing but New Year's nerves and, of course, kissing Sesshomaru. Now though, I couldn't ignore it. There was something missing, and it made me really, really scared.

I think Sesshomaru felt it too because he mentioned checking on Saika and, as a mother, I was very quick to agree. We hurried down the hall, and turned the corner to her room. Something was definitely off, and then Sesshomaru started to growl.

There was music playing inside…soft music…the same music my mom used to sing to me as a baby.

That was when we opened the door to disaster.

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do",

The room was destroyed. The furniture had been torn apart, with shards of wood scattered on the floor. Stuffed toys had been ripped apart. The whole room smelled of burnt wood and the walls where Saika's crib stood had been painted soot black. The worst thing was seeing the balcony door wide open with the winter breeze moving through.

"I'm half-crazy all for the love of you."

"Saika!" I raced to her crib first to find the entire bed burnt to a crisp. I looked at the balcony door then to Sesshomaru who was stalking slowly to the same doors. I noticed his eyes. And my own widened at the sight. They were pure red, and the aura…oh gods, even I could feel the pressure around him building. His growl had grown louder, and his fangs and claws longer. What was he?

"It won't be a stylish marriage,"

"Sesshomaru?" I said in a low tone, feeling the tears run down my face without realizing what was happening. "Saika…"

"I can't afford a carriage."

"Silence," he growled, making me step back.

"But you'll look sweet upon the seat,"

"You will remain here," he glared into my direction, his red eyes piercing into mine, and before I could call his name, he was gone. Then my phone buzzed, and I opened it.

"Of a bicycle built for two."

Daises always die. How long will it take you? Tick tock - X


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