The play offs are here. You can feel it in the city, there's an excitement as we move toward the first game. There is so much talk about the Penguins winning the Stanley Cup now that Sidney is back. Everyone feels that the pieces are all there now and everyone is predicting the Pens will win the Cup. Sidney doesn't want to hear any of it of course. He doesn't read the newspaper, watch the sports shows on TV or even talk about what is being commentated on. All Sidney wants to do is focus on the series with the Flyers. They have been practicing every day. I know that guys are getting shot up with cortisone and using lots of numbing cream. There are injuries to shoulders, hips, wrists and many other body parts. I know Sidney is sore but he's been idle for a lot longer than the other guys and isn't nearly as banged up. Most of his pain is self-inflicted as he works out both on and off the ice to get his timing back. He still doesn't feel near the top of his game and certainly not where he left it before the concussion.

As we wait for the start of game one in the series with Philly, I decline the wine being offered to me by Vero. I want to be completely present for the game. This is my first play offs and, if it's the first step on the way to the Cup, I want to remember every minute of it. I'm also thinking that alcohol could be one of the reasons I get so riled up when Sidney gets hit. I either need to drink more or less; I'm going to try less at this game. I can't believe how nervous I am. Troy was calm and tried to help me but I'm just too wound up. Maybe Trina has the right idea to watch at home; but, I had to be here to participate in the whole experience. I'm even wearing a white out tee shirt over my sweater. It's incredible to watch as the clock reaches the time for the guys to come out. Everyone is on their feet and waving their white towel. It's quite a sight. Suddenly, there is a huge roar from the crowd and Flower steps on to the ice first. I'm on my feet now cheering but I'm waiting for only one person. I can't help but cheer even louder when #87 steps on the ice too.

The opening announcements and national anthem are a blur to me. Within the first four minutes of the game, Sidney scores the first goal of the game and the playoffs for the Pens. He got knocked down as he went to the net, passed the puck, got up and received the pass back to score as he was knocked down again. It was incredible if extremely nerve wracking to watch him go down and get back up and then go down and get back up. Everyone in the arena was on their feet and screaming. This was the beginning we were looking for and the fans are screaming their appreciation. Another five minutes go by and Tyler gets a goal putting us up 2-0. The Flyers call a time out. It doesn't seem to help them because Pascal gets a goal with only forty seconds left in the period from a pass by Sidney; this makes two points for him in the first period. The guys just dominated the whole first period. The Flyers don't know what has hit them. They go off the ice at intermission and look shell shocked. There are a lot of smiles in the family box.

That was the last time we were celebrating. The Flyers came back in the second with one goal and then in the third with two goals to take the game to overtime. Not three minutes into overtime, the Flyers score to win the game. It's our turn to be shell shocked. What the fuck just happened? The guys were dominating every play and every player in the first and then basically fell apart in the second never to recover. We only got five shots on goal in the third compared to their eleven. It was a complete flip of dominance. Every game matters now because the Flyers won in our building and go up 1-0 in the series. I don't know exactly what to expect when I see Sidney but I know it isn't going to be good.

Vero and I head down to the locker room and there is a definitive feeling of defeat in the air. You can tell that they feel stunned by their implosion after a 3-0 lead was killed to lose the game 3-4. The guys are done talking to the press, they try to move them through quickly in a loss, and most of the guys are in the shower room washing and changing. We wait quietly for our guys; we feel the loss too. As usual, Sidney is last to come out and I'm alone waiting for him. When he comes in, I immediately get up and go to him. I give him a hug and just hold him. I can tell by the way her leans into me and rests his head on my shoulder exactly how he's feeling. He breathes deeply a few times and then pulls away from me. I can see it in his face how upset he is and we silently move to the corridor and out to the car.

We are still silent when we get home. Sidney moves upstairs to get changed out of his suit. I go to the kitchen, I know he's going to be hungry and I could use something to eat too. I was too excited and then too upset to eat at the game. I feel better doing something to help him, even if it's just making food, then doing nothing. I've got everything ready when he comes in the kitchen in his jeans and a tee shirt. He sits down at the breakfast bar and makes himself a plate. I sit beside him and do the same. Finally, he says "it just completely fell apart." I know to stay silent because he needs to get it out his way and in his time. "We knew what they were doing and we just couldn't stop them. Neither Geno not James even got a point. Flower seemed to miss easy ones and we couldn't even shoot at the net in the third." He looks over at me now. I ask "what did Dan say?" Sidney shakes his head "that was the worse. He told us it was discipline and he's right. We stopped playing and let them take it from us." I look at him again and wait until he looks back at me before I say "and it has to be the fucking flyers too, huh?" He just looks at me and then chuckles a little. At least I got a small smile from him. "Sidney, why don't we clean up here, go upstairs, get into bed and watch a movie?" He stares down at his empty plate so hard that I think he is too focused to hear me but then he says "yeah, that's a good idea." I kiss him and pull away to clear away the dishes. Sidney catches my arm and pulls me back to him for a longer kiss. When we part, I simply offer him a small smile and then we clean up. Sidney doesn't make it through the whole movie. The game and the stress has made him too tired or else he escaped into sleep. I follow him soon after.


Game two has to go better; there is no other option for us. We can't leave Pittsburgh down 2-0 and especially to the fucking Flyers. We're waiting for Dan's pregame talk and the room is heavy. We all feel the stress of winning this game. After Dan has reviewed the things to focus on and gives us his final instructions, we line up to get on the ice. Rituals are followed and final checks are made to sticks and equipment. We go to the ice and the crowd screams and cheers. They are as ready for a win as we are and we all feel the excitement. Dan has me taking the opening face-off. He told me to set the tone as he knows only I can. I have always taken my role as captain seriously and I know that tonight I need to lead. I win the face-off and it goes back to our end. Engel shoots a stretch pass to me and I do a quick give and go with Sully for a goal. I score with only fifteen seconds elapsing on the clock. The building goes crazy and so do we on the ice.

We score again nine minutes later by Kuni. We're now up 2-0. Max gets a goal for Philly a few minutes later but we end the period on a goal by Paulie. We go into intermission up 3-1 and it feels eerily familiar. Dan reminds us to stay on our game in the second and reviews some of the details we need to focus on to keep our lead. Apparently, we didn't listen carefully enough because the game is tied half way through the second. Kuni gets us the lead only seven seconds later. We manage to hold onto the lead until three seconds before the period ends and Philly gets another goal. They go into the second intermission up a goal and we are hopeful. We pump each other up to go into the third and skate back onto the ice with renewed purpose. TK gets a goal one minute into the third and we feel great. That is the last time we felt good. Philly gets the next four goals and beats us 8-5. To say we are stunned is an understatement. I can't believe we played so bad and I really can't believe how badly Flower played. He let in seven goals – one was an open net goal – and Dan couldn't even pull him since Johnny has been playing so horribly.

I talk to press on automatic; we need to be better with the lead, we need to be better in the neutral zone, they are a good team. Blah, blah, blah. I want to drown myself in the shower but I also want the get the hell out of the building. We are going into Philly down two games. How the fuck did that happen? After saying goodbye to my dad, I meet Angelia in the family room and she's alone. She does the same thing she did at the last game. She walks over to me and puts her arms around me. I lean into her and try to draw strength from her. I can't remember feeling this helpless when playing, during my concussion sure, but I've never felt this helpless when I could actually play. I turn my face into her neck and breathe her in for a moment. It is amazing how comforted I am by being in her arms and feeling her.

I pull away and lay my forehead on hers. Her hands come up to my face and hold me there. She leans in and kisses me. "Let's go home Sidney." I nod and we head to the car. "Stop at the Sweetwater Grill Sidney, I ordered take out for us." I'm so lucky that she thinks ahead and I am hungry. I take a small detour to the restaurant and Angelia jumps out to pick up our order. She knows that I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone. She's back out to the car in a minute and we continue home.

As we did last night, I go get changed and Angelia puts out the food for us. While we eat I try to explain how I feel. "Angel, I don't know what to do anymore. We just fell apart; completely unglued. It was crazy. The mistakes we made in the neutral zone were unforgiveable and led directly to our loss. Of course Flower was leaking like a sieve. Dan didn't need to say anything to him because Flower knew it. He broke his stick against the locker room door after the game. I don't know what we're going to do for the next game." I nod and say "it is started to get ugly again too. It's more like the second last game of the season." She's right of course. "It's going to be really ugly in Philly. We have to win that one, we have to get back into the series. I'm just at a loss as to what we are or aren't doing that Is causing us to tank it. They aren't that good no matter what they think. They just aren't that good." I lower my head to my hands. I can't stop wondering what we can do differently to fix this and it just won't come.

I feel her hands on my shoulders rubbing me there. I know I haven't played perfectly myself but it's so frustrating how Geno is doing nothing out there and how we are falling apart defensively. "Angel, I can't figure it out." I swivel my chair around, pull her to me between my legs and hold her to me tight. She kisses my neck and my cheek moving lastly to my mouth. I take a deep breath and sigh into her mouth. She pulls back and looks at me. "Sidney, I'm not going to say not to worry because that's just stupid. I will say that you can't solve the problems of the world. You are doing the best that you can and that's all you need to do. You are leading others and that's all you need to do. You guys will figure it out together. Remember that I love you." I look at her with a small smile. "Thank you Angel. I love you too and I can't wait to win the Cup and celebrate with you." Now she smiles at me. It's too bad that she can't come to the next game against Philly. I'm going to miss her desperately. When did this happen? When did I begin to need her for such vital things as playing hockey? I think about it a moment and realize that it's a comforting thought. We are so close that she knows exactly what I need and when I need it. I still feel like crap but the ache in my stomach that came on after the loss has begun to loosen.