I don't own Glee or its original characters

Katy: Yes, Rachel is taking is taking some steps back, but this sometimes happens if we are hurt. Look at Quinn, she did the same thing all those years ago, pushing Rachel away, thinking she had all the right reasons only to realize later that other things would have been much more important. But sometimes you have to take a step back to see more clearly where to go next.

Many thanks to Diannasbacon for beta reading!


Chapter 50

After leaving Rachel's house, Quinn headed home and went straight up to her room. She put on her sweat pants and an old shirt and training jacket and went out for another run.

She could not stand being closed in by the walls. It was as if they would crush her heart even more. Quinn needed to move, it seemed to be the only thing that could help her against the pain and the hurt.

Outside, getting into the rhythm, Quinn tried to concentrate on her breathing; on putting one foot in front of the other. The cold air hit her throat and she felt it burning in her lungs.

It helped to cover the underlying pain in her chest for a while which she knew she would have no remedy for.

When she finally returned home, her legs almost buckling from the exhaustion, she saw the worried looks from her mom and sister. They had cooked dinner, but Quinn was not hungry. She remembered the sandwich at the Berry's house this afternoon was the last thing she had eaten.

She didn't care.

Quinn excused herself and went up to her room. During her run she decided to leave early for New York City. It meant she would have to cancel the dinner at Shelby and it meant she would disappoint Beth, but she did not have the strength to put on a happy face when all the wanted was to curl up into a ball and cry.

She opened her laptop and drafted an e-mail to Shelby. Quinn knew that she actually should have called her, because sending a message was just so impersonal, but she did not want to talk about what had happened again. Beth would be very disappointed and Quinn felt really bad for spoiling her little girl's Christmas, especially since she was so excited about Rachel coming as well. She promised to come for another visit soon to make up for the lost time.

Then Quinn pulled her stuff together and threw it into the travel bag, not even bothering to fold her clothes. When she had finished packing, she took a quick shower and went downstairs.

Seeing the worried faces again and the questioning glances, she told her family very briefly about what had happened during her second visit to Rachel.

Judy and Fran were really sorry that this relationship that had seemed to make Quinn so happy had come to such a sudden end; Fran even more so, because she had been in closer contact with her sister and had experienced the joy and love Quinn showed for Rachel more openly than their mother. But even so, Judy was very sad to see her youngest so deflated. She wished she could do something about it, but knew that both women needed to find their own way through this painful situation. She still believed in what she had told her daughter earlier, if they were meant to be together, then they would be together.

Her mom and sister both hugged her again and tried to find some consoling words, but other than that they knew there was not much they could do. This was between Quinn and Rachel, all they could offer was to be there for her, to support her and to love her.

Quinn was grateful for the support from her family, more surprisingly even from her mom.

Fran tried her best to distract them by telling some stories about some of her kids at school while Quinn forced herself to eat at least a few bites of her dinner.

Francine was a teacher at an elementary school in Columbus. The stories helped a little to ease the tension, but soon after Quinn had picked a couple of tiny bites from her plate, she excused herself to go to bed. She needed the sleep. She felt so drained and exhausted as if she had run a marathon that day.

After a short discussion, Quinn agreed to let her mom and sister drive her to the train station early the next morning, before she went back to her room and tried to find some solace in her sleep.

… … …

The next morning Rachel had a sparse breakfast with her dads. They tried to convince her to stay, but she declined. She wanted to get away from Lima. Maybe it would be easier being back in New York , to go back to her routine. Then again, it was shortly before Sylvester, and there was not really a routine for her to get back to.

Still, Rachel felt she had to go home and was glad that Puck had offered her a ride.

Shortly before nine Puck stood in the driveway. He met her at the door and gallantly took her bags and stowed them in the trunk.

Shortly before they were ready to leave, Santana managed to catch them in the driveway. The Latina did not want to leave before letting Rachel know that she was still her friend and that she still cared about her. She shortly greeted Puck with a nod of her head, while he shortly lifted his hand in greeting.

Santana had to admit that it hurt to see Rachel so down, with dark circles under her eyes. Even though was the brunette's own choice to end her relationship with Quinn, the Latina still understood the dilemma Rachel had found herself to be in. She knew what it felt like to be between a rock and a hard place when it came to relationships. Shaking her head to get the memories out of her head, she looked at her friend.

"Hey," the brunette greeted her with the ghost of a smile.

"Hey."

Rachel wondered what Santana wanted. Did she want to tell her something about Quinn? Part of her hoped, another part of her dreaded the reason of the Latina showing up. Then again, maybe she just wanted to know how she was.

Santana saw the questions flicker across Rachel's face.

To ease her doubts Santana enveloped the petit woman in a long embrace.

It took a moment until she felt Rachel hug her back. Not in the polite way people hug distance acquaintances, but the kind of hug people gave good friends, where you lean in and press the other person close to you.

Finally, after releasing each other, the Latina lifted her hands, reassuring the petite woman:

I'm still your friend Rachel, don't ever forget that. I'm here for you. Don't shut me out.

Rachel looked to the side for a moment before focusing back to the dark eyes that looked at her imploringly. Then she nodded and the smile she gave the Latina was a bit broader this time.

"Okay. Thank you, Santana." Then she looked over her shoulder at Puck and poked a thumb at him. "I have to go."

See you back in New York. Santana signed and waited for an appropriate reply. It took Rachel a moment to answer, which she did signing, but when she did, Santana saw the honesty in her eyes.

Yes, it would be nice to see you in NY, Santana.

Santana noticed that Rachel had not given her a name sign yet, fingerspelling her whole name.

Rachel, when we see each other next time, I also want a name sign. Think of a good one, ok?

The brunette had to smile a bit at the request.

Sure. I will. Have a good trip back.

She turned and waved at her friend before she slid into the passenger seat of Puck's car. She gave another wave at her dads who was standing at the doorway to see her off. They had said their good-byes already at the house.

Santana said good bye to Puck and he wished her a good trip back.

… … …

Santana flew back from Lima the same day that Quinn and Rachel returned. As she landed in New York earlier than the arrival of Quinn's train, she decided to pick her friend up at the train station.

She had suggested going back with Quinn, but the blonde wanted the time for herself.

Quinn appreciated Santana's gesture, but knew she would not have been a good company to her friend. Santana would not have expected anything from her, but she needed the couple of hours before arriving at New York to somehow steel herself for the following days, days that would be empty and void. Devoid of joy, devoid of love, devoid of Rachel.

Quinn watched the landscape rush by in a blur and tried to find the slightest bit of motivation to get back on the stage that seemed to be the very reason for her desolation. Then again, if Rachel had decided to "set her free" so she could follow her career, then Quinn would damn well do that. It would not help either of them if she failed in her job now. It would probably not bring Rachel back and it would make Quinn feel even more miserable and like a failure than she felt now.

Right.

It all sounded so logical in her head. But it did nothing – nothing - to convince her heart. Her thoughts evolved solely around the petite brunette and how she would feel so lonely without her by her side. How she felt ripped apart and thought she could never heal and feel whole again.

For the first time in her career, she considered calling in sick. She just could not face going back to work as if nothing had happened.

She pulled out her phone and typed a message to her director claiming a family emergency – which in a way was not completely a lie - and told him that she needed to take care of a couple of things.

He told her he was sorry and that he hoped she would get things sorted out. He did not want to pry, but he asked when she thought she could be back, just so he could plan for Leonor to take over her part.

Already feeling bad for her half-lie, she told him she'd be back on the thirtieth. That would give her one more day of rest.

Looking at her watch, she noticed that the train would its destination in three more hours.

Right now, Quinn would have preferred to keep on riding on that train, forever suspended in that part between leaving and arriving. Leaving her happy thoughts and arriving to her new, empty life.

She thought that this is how Rachel must have felt when she woke up realizing she couldn't hear anymore. She must have felt the same pain and hurt, as if something vital and utterly important had been ripped away from her, leaving her empty and lifeless.

… … …

Late afternoon, Puck dropped Rachel off in front of her building. They briefly hugged and Rachel promised him to stay in contact.

Arriving at her apartment, Rachel closed the door and slid down to the floor. She wrapped her arms around her knees and dropped her head on them. She tried to empty her mind of all the Quinn memories and pictures that came up again and again. She tried to not think about anything or anyone at all.

She failed miserably.

Rachel did not want to feel anything. She tried to tell her heart to stop aching so much. But just like always it had a mind of its own, asking her why she was doing this to herself if it made her feel so fucking damn miserable?

Rachel didn't have an answer to that. Well, yes she did. Being with Quinn and seeing her enjoy certain things that she couldn't make her feel just as sad. So it was just a question of which one hurt more.

After what seemed like hours, she pulled herself up, trudged into her bedroom, pulled her clothes over her head and climbed into bed. She did not even bother to unpack; her bags were still lying next to the entrance where she had left them.

Placing her phone on the night stand, she hesitated. Then she pulled it back and typed a message.

Hi Lauren, are you back from your vacation?
If you have time, it would be great to see you. I need someone to talk to…
Hope you had a happy holiday.
Rachel

She was surprised when the answer came back immediately.

Hey, I'm back in the city. There's only so much of the family I can bear ;-).
Your message doesn't really sound like "hey I had a wonderful and
relaxing time." Are you ok?
Still having a couple of days off. So how about breakfast tomorrow?
Ten at the Little Angel's café?

Rachel sent her answer back with an apology.

Sorry to jump on you like that without properly asking how
you were! And we haven't even met after my birthday like we planned to.
Breakfast would be great. I'll bring Bagels. See you tomorrow!
Thanks for taking the time
X Rachel

Another message arrived shortly after she had sent hers.

No problem, glad I can help.
Don't worry; texting with you over the holidays was fun
and a welcome distraction. My family can be quite
overbearing at times. Sleep tight…
Lauren

Rachel placed the phone on the night stand and turned off the light. It was just eight o'clock in the evening, but she was already dead tired.

Thinking about the next morning,Rachel was glad that she did not have to wander around her flat the whole day, pushing thoughts back and forth in her mind. She could use the distraction and the opinion of someone who was not as close to her or Quinn as her other friends.

Before sleep claimed her, she thought back to the trip from Lima to New York with Puck. He had insisted to drive most of the way, until Rachel forced him to hand over the keys so he could rest while she drove.

… … …

Puck and Rachel did not have much of a conversation during the first part of the trip. She did not feel like talking. Her heart was too heavy and she was close to breaking down in tears more than once. Rachel was grateful for Puck's gentle consolation in form of a hand on her thigh or her shoulder to tell her that it was ok to cry and to feel sad.

After they had put some distance between themselves and Lima, Rachel felt herself calm down and she managed to opened up a little. It helped that Puck did not pressure her to talk about what was eating her, but she knew he would listen if she chose to tell him.

Rachel volunteered some information about how she had managed after her accident, how she had met Quinn and how it had changed so much in her life. Finally, she also told him what drove her to take the decision to stay away from Quinn, besides loving her so much.

At the next stop, he asked her if she had something to write on. Rachel nodded and pulled her pad out of the bag, watching Puck scribble something down.

Rachel, I wish I could have been there for you during the past few months. I really missed you and I was worried that I had done something to offend you. I can imagine that it was hard for you, probably still is, to connect again with people, especially if you don't always know how to communicate with them. I'd be lying if I said that I'm not shocked or saddened by what happened.

I can sort of understand why you don't want to be close to Quinn and how hard this must be. This whole deaf thing really sucks. I wish I could help…

Rachel placed a hand on his to stop his stream of words.

"Puck, no one can help me." She stated quietly. "There is nothing you can do."

Yes there is. There must be something I can do.

"Do what? What, Puck?"

Why did people always think she could not survive on her own? She had made it through the first months all by herself, why couldn't she do it again? Granted, she had felt miserable then. But reconnecting with people had led her to the point she was now. Feeling very miserable again. So what was the point in all this?

Oh yes, she knew that she was being unfair and that she very much needed and wanted her friends and family in her life at least those you were willing to deal with her disability. But right now she just wanted to feel sorry for herself.

Puck's answer surprised her, though.

There must be something I can do so we can stay friends, Rachel!

She looked at him as if she had not understood what he had written.

Stay friends.

That would be nice, but how realistic was it really? She loved Puck as a friend. She knew he could be passionate about many things, but he could also lose interest in something or someone if things got a bit difficult and his heart was not really in it. It was different with his music and his company; there was real passion behind them. But would he have the drive to stay friends with her, if every conversation they were going to have proved to be difficult?

In order to stay friends, they would need a basis for communication. Rachel could not expect everyone around her to adapt to her needs and learn sign language. And she did not feel like having endless conversations written on paper for the rest of her life.

Rachel just did not know what and how much she could ask of him.

"Puck, I'd love for us to stay friends…" her voice trailed off which prompted Puck to write:

But…?

"But you can see how difficult it is to have a decent conversation with me. I mean, I can still talk, yes. That makes it easier for me, but it's a very one sided conversation and sometimes I actually like to listen to other people's opinions," she added with a small teasing smile, before she looked at her hands.

"I can live with someone writing things down for a while. But to base a friendship solely on that kind of communication is really tough. And I can't expect everyone to learn sign language just for me."

Yes you can, Rachel. And you should! And everyone to whom you mean a lot will do it. So, start signing while you talk to me. It doesn't matter if I understand anything in the beginning or not. But this way I'll get used to it. Let's start now. I want you to teach me!

"Puck, I…," Rachel was speechless. He started writing something down again.

How do you spell my name? Show me. NOW.

Rachel frowned. "Puck… "

Puck reached over and lifted Rachel's hand, shaking it a little. "Do it. Show me." He demanded and looked into his friend's eyes, holding her gaze to show her that he really meant it.

"Fine," Rachel sighed, her hands still resting in her lap.

Why are you so reluctant? I don't get it.

"Because, at the beginning, people are oh so excited to learn ASL. But after a while, when they notice that it takes a lot of practice and that it is not easy to really express yourself the way you are used to, they get tired of it. I… I haven't told this to anyone, but I had a friend from the theater I worked at who wanted to learn it in the beginning. We were quite close and I was really surprised that she wanted to do this for me. I had pushed everyone away in the beginning, but she was so persistent about wanting to stay in my life and wanting to learn…She even came with me to one of my classes with my teacher. But then, after four lessons, when the newness wore off, she noticed the limitations and how much hard work you have to put into. And with the exhausting schedule at the theater, she just couldn't make the time, or bring the effort...whatever."

Rachel looked out of the window for a moment before she continued. It was hard to talk about that. There had been something about Karen that had penetrated her walls. She had let her in, and only her, hoping that with the help of her friend it would all be easier to endure. Only to be dropped like and unwanted toy.

"My dads were also really struggling in the beginning. They didn't understand the importance of learning sign language. It was really frustrating for me. I felt so isolated. I still do in many situations."

Puck reached over and lifted her hands to show her again what he wanted. He gave her an encouraging smile and a short nod.

Rachel rolled her eyes, but complied. She began signing along her words.

"Luckily my dads understood that they had to learn ASL if we ever wanted to have a good relationship again. We are on good terms now, because they really understood that if they wanted to keep me in their lives and vice versa, they would have to learn. These were my parents, so I kind of expect that from them. But I can't force my friends to do that, to spend so much time on learning a completely new language just to communicate with me."

She took a breath and wanted to continue, but Puck held up a hand to stop her.

He pointed at himself. "My turn," and he started writing something again.

Ok, I can understand that this must be frustrating for both sides. And I get the hint – ouch, by the way! – that I can be superficial. But I thought that I have proven to you over the past years that I really care about you. And if Santana can learn that stuff, than I can learn it too. Besides, it might make me more attractive to girls. J

"Screw you, Noah," Rachel huffed, but with a smile and slapped him on his arm. "You just proved my point, by the way. I can totally see you making weird hand signs that don't have any meaning at all just to make yourself interesting."

Puck laughed.

Come on, you know I was joking! Now, instead of hitting me, put your cute little hands to good use and show me how to spell my name. Please. Give me a chance.

Oh, and the next sign I want to learn is 'Jewish princess'.

Rachel snorted and rolled her eyes. Lifting her hands again she showed her friend how to finger-spell his name. Then she explained him about the name signs, which made it so much easier referring to a person.

Puck was excited and immediately had a suggestion. He spread his legs as far as it was possible in the driver seat and made a rapid movement with both hands, palms facing each other towards the juncture of his leg.

Rachel was not surprised to see him do the exact same movement he had used during their Don't Stop Believing performance when he entered the stage.

"Hell no!" Then under her breath Rachel muttered: "Good Lord, what have I gotten myself into."

She formed a P with the fingers of her right hand. Lifting it she mimicked a Mohawk slightly above her forehead, following the line of the imaginary hairstyle. Even though Puck did not wear this haircut anymore, Rachel found that this was a suitable sign for him.

"As you cannot choose your own sign, you better behave or I'll find one that is not flattering at all. So. This is yours." She repeated the movement and explained him about the position of her fingers forming the letter P.

Puck mimicked her and then nodded with a grin.

"I like it!"

"Good." Rachel smiled back. For a short moment during their conversation she had actually pushed her misery a little aside.

"Now, let me drive for a while, you look tired." She frowned when she saw his look on his face and the dismissive hand gesture at her suggestion. Grabbing the pen he wrote:

I'm ok, really, you don't have to do that.

Rachel looked at him for a moment.

"Don't tell me you don't trust me to drive, Puck," she challenged him with a small smile and a raised eyebrow.

Puck knew better than to start an argument when Rachel had that look on her face. He lifted his hands in surrender and said "fine", glad to be able to close his eyes for a while.

He did trust Rachel's driving; it was more that he wanted to do the chivalrous thing, knowing that she was not really feeling so hot under the current circumstances. Quickly they switched seats.

Rachel could probably use the distraction to concentrate on the traffic for a while, he thought before he drifted off to sleep in the passenger seat.

… … …

Remembering this conversation from the afternoon, Rachel felt a small smile creep onto her face. She had not known what to expect from the drive home with Puck. But she surely had not expected Noah to be so adamant about being taught how to sign. He had even asked her about the contact details of her teacher; when he dropped her off in front of her building.

Well, she was not sure if Puck would really pull it through, but she appreciated the gesture for now. She was willing to believe that he meant what he said.

Then she remembered her meeting with Lauren the next morning. Meeting her for breakfast would give her some distraction, Rachel hoped. She was really looking forward to it. This way she would not have to wander around her apartment like a tiger in a cage, desperately trying to ignore her feelings and the pain they caused.

Besides, she was happy to meet the other woman again, but also that she would have someone to talk to. To really talk to. Someone she could ask a question that had been burning in her soul, but that no one else was able to answer.

She turned off the light and fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

… … …

Few blocks over, Quinn sat at her dining table, staring at her half full cup of tea.

Santana sat opposite from her, wearing a worried expression on her face. Neither woman said anything. Santana did not force a conversation. Knowing her friend so well, she just gave her the time she needed. Quinn would often try to sort things out by herself before she talked about it with others. The Latina knew whenever she was ready, she'd open up.

Quinn pushed her chair back and stemmed both hands on the table surface, slowly pushing herself up. She walked around the table and gave Santana a long hug, before she went into her bedroom with a short "Good night."

Santana knew by that gesture that her presence and silent support was much appreciated.

She just hoped that Rachel would somehow also manage on her own tonight…

It had been so hard seeing Quinn in this horrible state of "the world has ended" when she had met her at the train station.

She could somewhat understand Rachel's point. She could understand how painful it must be for her to have someone you love live the life you want in front of you every day, knowing that you would never be able to participate. But giving up on that love just seemed a price too high to pay. You did not just find your soul mate at every street corner.

Santana knew that Rachel still loved Quinn. She could see it in her eyes. If she could just figure out how to make Rachel change her mind, how to make her understand that nothing is bigger or more important than true and unconditional love. It was such a precious gift.

Santana also stood up and made her way into her room. She felt almost as miserable as her two friends that day. She prayed that the universe would give both of them a little push so they could realize what really mattered. She knew Quinn had ignored some of her feelings as well, without ever talking about them, just as Rachel had.

She raked her brain to find a way to make Quinn and Rachel understand each other's situation.

Santana did not expect a miracle and that all of a sudden both women fell into each other's arms and everything was well again. They had to face their issues with each other or they would never be happy again.

Hesitating shortly, Santana stood before her laptop. Then she gave herself a push and turned it on.

Reading over her the e-mail she had written one last time, she sent it.


ichigo111981: Rachel knows in her heart what Quinn and her friends did for her. Quinn is surely hurt by Rachel's actions, but more than turning away from her, she wants to and needs to understand - truly understand - why Rachel acted the way she did. But the same way Rachel needs to put herself into Quinn's shoes to understand what she is going through. If they reach this deeper level of understanding, then they have another chance.