How Many Kids Do We Have?
Chapter 50
Stephanie came downstairs to get Julie's breakfast, Bobby was gone. The blankets were neatly folded on the sofa. A smile was on her face, Ranger was still asleep upstairs. It was late when he got home. She turned on the coffee pott and the hot pot for boiling water. Ranger was going to have to promise that once she had the baby, he would immediately get her a latte from Starbucks.
Stephanie turned on the TV for the morning news. The weatherman indicated it was going to be a mild Fall day in Trenton with no rain. She sat at the breakfast bar and drank her tea.
Amy Spring, the morning news anchor made an announcement, "This next story may not be suitable for young children due to the sexual content."
"Now what," Stephanie said to an empty house.
"Let's run the footage from last night."
There was a video of the outside of the hospital and the voice of a reporter came on, "This is Skip Chancellor reporting. I was here tonight at St. Francis regarding the injuries sustained in the five car pile-up on the freeway when I happened upon another story. It reveals the seedy side of Trenton. I have discovered that Trenton has a possible illegal Secret Sex Society."
Voices could be heard and the people came into the view of the camera. Orderlies were attempting to get Joe and Joyce Barnhardt onto a gurney from the back of Ranger's truck. They were handcuffed together. From what Stephanie could see, Joe was only in his briefs with a black studded dog collar around his neck attached to a leash. He also had studded cuffs around his ankles and wrists. His hands were handcuff in front of him, but his arms were through Joyce's. It appeared her arms were handcuffed behind Joe's back,. She was on Joe, her face positioned almost in his crotch and his in hers. She was kicking her feet by Joe's head. Their hair had the frazzled look of a stun gun. Joe's eyes were rimmed with black eyeliner giving him a Goth look. Bright red lipstick smudges were on his white briefs.
"Let me go! The devil child did this!" Joe was yelling and squirming so Joyce was bouncing on him. "Get this hog off me!"
Joyce had on black vinyl hot pants and bra. The leash was attached to one of her wrist cuffs. Her bright fire engine red lipstick was smeared on her face.
"I'll give you hog!" Joyce lowered her head and clamped down on one of Joe's thighs.
"Aaaaaagh," Joe screamed in agony. "She gave me rabies."
Joyce looked up and blood was in the corner of her mouth and trickling down Joe's thigh.
"I'm a dog now!"
She lowered her head to Joe's briefs and the camera cut away.
Joe let out a blood curdling scream and a 'ZZZZZ' was heard.
In the struggle, the orderlies almost dropped them getting them on the gurney a couple of times. Once they were on it, Joe and Joyce almost rolled off.
The camera cut to a whimpering Joe and a limp Joyce rolling through the ER door, then back to Skip with Eddie.
"Officer Gazarra, can you please explain what happened?"
"I don't have much information. I was on patrol when I came upon Officer Morelli and friend, who we have identified as Joyce Barnhardt. They were unconscious on a park bench off Hamilton. These fine, outstanding citizens," the camera showed the backs of Tank and Lester getting into the truck then back to Eddie, "assisted me in bringing Officer Morelli and Ms. Barnhardt to the hospital. There are welts on the sides of Joe's head so he may have a possible concussion made by this," holding up a riding crop.
"Officer Gazarra, can you confirm if Officer Morelli was undercover attempting to expose a Secret Sex Society operating in Trenton."
"I cannot comment on that at the moment."
"Was Ms. Barnhardt the leader of the Secret Sex Society in Trenton?"
"No comment. I must go check on Officer Morelli."
The video showed Eddie going through the Emergency Room sliding doors.
"This is Skip Chancellor reporting."
Somewhere off camera you could hear, "Psssst. Pssssst. Come over here."
"Let me speak with this person. Maybe they can enlighten us."
The camera shows a shadowy figure but as it gets closer, toes with blood red nail polish in strappy black sandals come into focus. The camera moves up to skinny little chicken legs clad in black vinyl, continuing up the vinyl form to an out-of-shape middle and a halter with sagging breasts. The person was wearing a black vinyl jumpsuit you could see. The face was covered with a black mask, but you couldn't miss Grandma's distinctive tight pink curls. Anyone in their right mind would know it was Edna Mazur. She had a riding crop in one hand that was tapping against a vinyl leg and a whip in the other. Dominatrix Edna.
"Do you know anything about Officer Morelli or the Secret Sex Society of Trenton."
Stephanie noticed Ranger had come into the living room and was glued to the scene on the TV. How much he had seen she didn't know. Stunned could not describe the look on his face.
"We are a group of ordinary people who enjoy a good roll in the hay, if you know what I mean. We experiment with toys but no animals are harmed or ever used. We're not like that scank Joyce Barnhardt. She does it with innocent animals. She was the former leader, but we mutinized and kicked her sorry butt out."
"What can you tell us about Officer Morelli?"
"You mean Joe 'I'm not hung like a horse'. He didn't measure up," the camera showed bony fingers only a few inches apart. "He tried to infiltrate the group, but we knew it was a disguise," Grandma held up a foam pumpkin head.
"If he was hung like some of the guys I know. One in particular. He's got a package," Grandma's hands were far apart.
The camera was on the reported, then went back to the shadowy figure, but she disappeared. A bag was in her spot. Skip bent down and opened it, pulling out a large vibrator and an assortment of other sex toys. You could see he was blushing.
"Well, that's all we know for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to speak with Officer Morelli on his professional or personal involvement in the Secret Sex Society of Trenton. This is Skip Chancellor reporting."
Stephanie was looked from the TV to Ranger.
"What was that?" he asked.
"Joe was fully clothed, Ranger, when the Merry Men and Eddie carried him out of here.
"I smell the Merry Men and Grandma."
"You think?"
Ranger came over to Stephanie sitting on the barstool and kissed her thoroughly, "Babe."
"Dad, you're home," Julie came down dressed for school. "Steph, Cassidy's up. I changed her for you."
"Thanks, Sweetie."
Stephanie put a bowl, spoon, and orange juice in front of her, "Your usual?"
"Yeah."
Julie poured the milk of her Rice Krispies.
"I'm proud of you, Julie. You got your man last night."
"What about me?" Caden was standing beside Ranger looking up at him.
"You did good too. Proud of you," ruffling his curls.
Cassidy wandered over to Ranger and wrapped her legs around his, tugging at his pant leg.
"Babe, what is she doing?"
"I'm assuming that's some kind of wrestling hold."
Ranger reached down and picked her up, "What are you? A girl wrestler."
"No," Cassidy said looking at him, then reached out and pulled his ear.
"Ok, I give up. No more wrestling for you," holding out his other arm to surrender.
"No."
"I better go get my bus," Julie kissed Ranger and Stephanie, grabbed her backpack, and went out the front door.
Frank Plum walked up the steps.
"Hi, Daddy."
"Ssssh."
"What's wrong?"
"Did you see the news?"
"Yes."
"Your mother started hitting the bottle after seeing her mother dressed in black vinyl on TV, I joined her."
Stephanie slid a cup of coffee towards him on the breakfast bar.
"Pumpkin, what was all that about."
"Grandpa, we got the bad guy last night," Caden told him.
Frank's eyes widen, "Caden, hold it down a little. Grandpa's head hurts. What bad guy?"
"Daddy, Joe paid us a visit last night. Caden and Julie bombed him with water balloons and hit him with a flying dump truck tied to a ripped sheet. They stunned and handcuffed him on the deck so he looked like a pretzel. Caden thought up the plan. Tank, Lester, and Eddie took him out of here and that's where our story ends. I have no idea what that was on the news."
Ranger showed Frank the pictures on his cell phone.
"That's my grandson," holding his head.
The three misfits come walking up the steps, laughing. Everyone looking at them.
Stephanie poured milk over the Rice Krispies for Caden and Cassidy.
Cassidy grabbed the spoon from Stephanie, "Me," and started to feed herself missing her mouth most of the time.
"Explain," Ranger was standing arms folded looking at the Merry Men as they poured themselves coffee.
"Did you see the news," Lester was chuckling.
"We left here with Morelli driving towards the hospital when we saw Joyce coming out of Pleasure Treasures," Tank explained.
Stephanie indicated for Tank to stop, "Wait, that's the opposite direction of the hospital."
"We were having fun riding around with Eddie flashing the light, Morelli was yelling that we were kidnapping him, and we drove around."
"And a Trenton cop was leading the kidnapping with a flashing light?" Frank was shaking his head.
"We grabbed Joyce. She had that outfit on when got her. What we didn't count on was your Grandma being in the store and seeing us. She threatened to tell unless we brought her with us. We stunned Joyce and Morelli to go shopping in Pleasure Treasures. We bought a few things and Grandma bought the outfit. We paid cash sothere was no trail to us, but Rangeman can reimburse us."
"Oh, really" Ranger said with a raised eyebrow.
"We were going to handcuff Morelli and Joyce together and leave them in the park. We wanted to have some fun. Your Grandma is the one who positioned them like that," Lester continued. "Being the concerned guys in touch with our female side, we still felt Morelli should go to the hospital because of the dump truck."
Tank was laughing trying to explain some more, "So we got them to the hospital and there was a news crew there. The flashing light I guess caught their attention and reporter recognized Joe in the back of the truck. Eddie went into the ER and got help. And, some how Trenton has a Secret Sex Society. Sex sells."
"How could you let that crazy old bat get on TV dressed like that. My poor wife will be drinking as soon as she gets up everyday. That image is going to be burned in my mind until the day I die and beyond."
"We didn't want her to tell on us. Grandma thought she looked hot."
"Why?" Ranger was back to one word sentences.
"If Morelli was embarrassed enough, maybe he would leave Trenton. This town is not big enough for him and Caden."
"No, why this?"
Both Lester and Tank shrugged their shoulders, "Something to do and Eddie went along with it. The Sex Society was his idea."
"Besides," Tank said, "what is Morelli going to tell the chief. He was here drunk trying to break into your house, knowing your pregnant wife and children were here. Then, say three young children captured him. If you press charges, at the least he will be suspended and the incident investigated. He could lose his job. You surely don't want the media's attention on them," Tank nodding to the eating children.
"No, I don't need that nor does Rangeman need the publicity," Stephanie said.
"You three knuckleheads better not pull anymore pranks," Ranger told them. "I guess I better talk to Eddie."
"Hey, I'm innocent. I was here last night," Bobby corrected.
"If you were with them, you would have been involved."
"It would have been a riot."
The telephone rang, "Hello."
"Stephanie, this is your mother," whispering. "I have a hangover. Tell your father I'm taking the phone off the hook. It won't stop ringing. People recognized your Grandmother from the news and want to join her sex club. Your father and I may have to move to Alaska or at least wear bags over our heads in public."
"Ok, Mom. Call if you need anything. How is Grandma?"
"Fine. One of her friends picked her up. A radio talk show called and wants to interview her on the club. She called Lula for some advice. If it goes well, then her and Lula may start a sex tip hotline. I need a drink already and I think I should lay back down."
"Bye."
"How's your mother, Pumpkin?"
"She's taking the phone off the hook as too many people are calling about the sex club. Grandma's doing a radio interview with Lula's help and they may start a sex tip hotline."
"Why Me! Why can't my mother-in-law sit in a rocking chair and knit afghans. No, mine is running around looking like she's out of a really bad porn movie for senior citizens. I'm going to the bar and drink until I forget."
"Oh, Mom is thinking of moving to Alaska or wearing a paper bag in public."
"I'm retired. I should be enjoying it. No, I live with a crazy, sex starved lunatic who thinks she's going to be a Dominatrix of the geriatrics. This is going to end up on the Internet."
"It's probably already out there, Mr. Plum," Bobby said.
Frank got up and shook his head, "Ranger, if it gets to be too much, can I hang out at Rangeman. It's secure and no one can get to me there. Could you make Grandma disappear?"
"Frank, my apartment is there, just don't mind if Lester walks in to take a bubble bath."
"That would be the least of my worries."
"Ranger, I'm sorry."
"Babe, it's all in a days work."
