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"Here's what happened" Ianto told his audience and they leaned forward as Ianto got more comfortable, "Just after dinner one night, my Babs came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards she holds prisoner in her room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," she told me. "I'm serious, Taddy. Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed her into her bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on its back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Cariad," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my lovely husband exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" Babbit demanded. "But his name is Bert, Dad!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to John who was the procurer of said lizards.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"John sarcastically answered me.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth)."
There was titters around the library as the village all seemed to lean forward as one, this being a new story he hadn't shared before.
"Yeah, Bert and Sheila! Isn't Sheila supposed to have the babies then?" my princess demanded.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," I informed Babs and by now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth..."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked
"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband wanted to know while John was already wondering if we could sell them. Babs was declaring him a heartless bastard and we peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"Its breech," Jack whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Daddy!" Babs urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, Jack reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. He tried several more times with the same results.
Ianto was doing the motions of pinching his thumb and index finger together as people leaned in to watch the demonstration of delivery, his mimicking of the voices eerily accurate.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest, Stephen wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Bert to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my wee love holding the cage in her lap.
"Breathe, Bert, breathe," she urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," Walter tried to explain to her. She was beside herself.
The vet took Bert back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" Babs suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Captain Harkness-Jones, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for Walter and Stephen to help comfort Babs as John flapped about like a bloody mad mare. Ton was the only calm one with his hat pulled down over his face to escape the madness in Chrys' arms.
"Is Bert going to be okay?" my Cariad asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Bert is a boy. You see, Bert is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So, Bert's just … just . . . excited," my husband offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then I started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" Jack demanded of me, knowing, but not believing that the man he married would commit the upcoming affront to his flawless manliness. Tears were now running down my face and I could barely speak. '"It's just .that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its . … . its. . . teeny little . . "
Ianto stopped talking as he gasped for more air to bellow with laughter once more. The crowd laughed softly with him, waiting for his punch line.
"That's enough," Jack warned me. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our Babs back into the car... we were glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Bert's really thankful for what you did, Daddy." she told Jack "Such a relief."
"Oh, you have NO idea," I had to agree, trying not to laugh. Two lizards: $140. One travel cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!"
Now the place was really laughing as they knew the reason for the Mayor's giggles, the image of Jack jerking off the lizard making Ianto squeal with mirth.
"Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class." Ianto choked out, "Lizards lay eggs!"
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This was a true story I read in a blog that wouldn't go away as I put it to our boys.
