"Again!"
I gritted my teeth, swiping at my forehead before I stomped, pulling a rock out of the ground and sending it forward. Then, I threw myself into a forward somersault and rolled several feet. The second I straightened, something hard crashed into me and I flew several feet backwards before tumbling ungracefully onto the ground.
"Again, Princess."
Frustrated, I ripped off the headband and glared at Toph. "We've been doing this for hours now; you don't even give me a chance to attack before you- hey!" I broke off in a yell, jumping to the side as the earth around me erupted in spikes. Barely dodging the stalagmites, I rolled away before getting to my feet again, steaming. "Stop attacking me!"
"You can't even attack and defend at the same time yet," Toph pointed out, sounding bored. "Clearly you need more practice."
I opened my mouth to protest when Zuko and Aang walked onto the courtyard. They must have been coming out to train, because they were both shirtless. Needless to say, my train of thought was sufficiently derailed.
The earth underneath me jerked, and I found myself face flat on the ground with a mouthful of dust. "For Koh's sake, Toph-" I started, spitting dirt out of my mouth and jumping to my feet.
"Focus, Princess," she said, sounding not at all sorry.
Zuko glanced at me with concern, his gaze lingering a split second too long. I suddenly felt self-conscious in just my training wrappings and leggings. Cheeks slightly pink, he turned back to Toph. "You've had the courtyard since sunrise. Aang needs to practice; we can only spend so long going over meditation exercises."
"Please," Aang begged. "No more meditation exercises."
"Fine," Toph replied, rolling her eyes. "Little Miss Princess seems to have had enough anyway." I clenched my jaw and bit down the urge to retort, instead stalking back into the house to change.
By the time I changed into my Fire Nation clothes and came back out to the courtyard, Aang and Zuko were running through one of their katas. Toph was lying in the shade of the veranda next to Katara, who was sitting up and watching the practice. I walked over and she gave me a smile as I sat down next to her.
I watched them run through the forms, more intently than I would like to admit. On a completely objective note, it was impressive how far Aang had come in his firebending train in such a short amount of time. I remembered him telling us how he would never firebend again after accidentally burning Katara. Now he bent with confidence and power, nearly matching the size and strength of Zuko's blasts.
Nearly, I thought, following the strong length of Zuko's arms as he punched and kicked, his body moving in perfect synchronization, smooth and lithe and-
"Kioni!"
"Hmm? Yes! No? I'm sorry, what was the question?" I jerked out of my thoughts to see Katara looking at me. She raised her eyebrows, looking torn between concern and amusement.
"Your arm is bleeding," she said wryly, pointing to a rather large cut on my upper arm. I blinked, twisting my shoulder to look at it. I must have gotten it during training. How on earth had I not noticed?
"Ow," I said, somewhat bemused. Katara looked like she was trying very had not to roll her eyes.
"Would you like me to heal it for you, or you do think Zuko's bare chest will be able to do it for you?" she asked sarcastically, and I flushed pink.
"Pretty sure Kioni thinks shirtless Zuko can fix all her problems," Toph piped up, her eyes still closed.
"Weren't you asleep?" I snapped at her. Katara's brows were still raised. "Yes, please," I said to her meekly, holding my arm out. Actually rolling her eyes, she pulled out her waterskin and healed the cut two seconds flat.
Out in the courtyard, Zuko and Aang finished their set and bowed to each other. Zuko stretched his arms high above his head and walked over to sit by the fountain. "Doesn't it seem kind of weird that we're hiding from the Fire Lord in his own house?" Katara said, for the thousandth time in the three days we'd been here.
"I told you, my father hasn't come here since our family was actually happy," Zuko said, rubbing a towel through his hair in a way that was incredibly distracting. Did he do this on purpose? Was I the only one affected by this? "And that was a long time ago. It's the last place anyone would think to look for us."
"You guys are not gonna believe this!" We all turned as Sokka came running into the courtyard, Suki following behind. He waved some kind of poster in the air, ready to burst with excitement. He stopped in the center, looked around to make sure he had everyone's attention, then puffed his chest out proudly. "There's a play about us!"
"A what?" I said, furrowing my brows. The others wore similar expressions of confusion.
"We were just in town and we found this poster," Suki explained. At her gesture, Sokka whipped open the poster, and we all crowded around to look. It was a watercolor painting of what was clearly supposed to be Aang, Sokka, and Katara, all in battle positions. Behind them was a close up of Zuko's eyes, one scarred and one unmarked. At the bottom of the poster was a picture of a fat, jolly looking man.
"What? How is that possible?" Katara asked.
"Listen to this," Sokka turned the poster around and started reading it dramatically. "'The Boy in the Iceberg is a new production from acclaimed playwright Pu-on Tim, who scoured the globe gathering information on the Avatar. From the icy South Pole to the heart of Ba Sing Se, his sources include singing nomads, pirates, prisoners of war, and a surprisingly knowledgeable merchant of cabbage.'"
"Well, we have encountered all of those during our travels," I broke in.
"'Brought to you by the critically acclaimed Ember Island Players,'" Suki finished reading.
"Ugh!" Everyone turned to look at Zuko after his exclamation of disgust. "My mother used to take us to see them. They butcheredLove Amongst the Dragons every year."
I raised an eyebrow. "Love Amongst the Dragons?"
"It's full of action and adventure, and there's a complex forbidden love between the Dragon Emperor and his princess, who's been entrapped by a demon and-" He broke off, noticing everyone's disbelieving looks. Zuko flushed. "It's a classic, okay?!"
"Sounds enthralling," I deadpanned, unable to resist a smirk.
"Sokka, do you really think it's a good idea to attend a play about ourselves?" Katara asked.
"Come on, a day at the theater?" Sokka insisted, unfurling the poster and waving it around again. "This is the kind of wacky, time-wasting nonsense I've been missing!"
"The comet is in less than two weeks," I pointed out. "Is this really the time for wacky, time-wasting nonsense?" Zuko made a noise of agreement.
"I want to go see a play!" Aang said excitedly, jumping up and down. "Come on, Kioni, it'll be fun!"
Although the rest of us ragged on him and made fun of it, there was this unspoken rule that Sokka was kind of the leader of the group. The greatest testament to this was that several hours later, we found ourselves standing in front of the Twin Dragon Theater, about to see a play supposedly about us.
"Why do I have a feeling this is just going to end badly?" I muttered to Zuko as we walked up to the balcony.
"You'll be fine," he whispered back. "I'm the one who should be worried; I don't exactly have the most favorable past." I couldn't argue with him there.
"Wow." I looked out at the audience with wide eyes. "There's a lot of people here."
"Sit down," Zuko hissed, grabbing my hand and tugging me back into my seat. He sat down between me and Katara. I shot him a glare and started to retort when Aang cleared his throat, cutting me off.
"Hey, uh-" he gestured to the spot between Zuko and Katara. "I, um, I wanted to sit there."
Zuko lowered his hood. "Just sit next to Kioni." He pointed to the spot on the other side of me. "What's the big deal?"
"I was just- I wanted to-" Aang broke off in a sigh. "Okay." He slumped down next to be, and I patted his shoulder sympathetically.
"Sorry, bud." He sighed again, hunching his shoulders.
"Why are we sitting in the nosebleed section?" Toph complained as the lights went dark. "My feet can't see a thing from up here!"
"Don't worry, I'll tell your feet what's happening," Katara replied.
"Shh, it's about to start!" Sokka whispered excitedly from behind us, clutching Suki's hand.
We all quieted as the curtains rose and gentle music started to play in the background. The curtain lifted to reveal two actors who were clearly supposed to be Sokka and Katara rowing a boat through an icy landscape. Katara's face broke out into a smile and Sokka yelped quietly in excitement, leaning forward and putting a hand on his sister's shoulder. He gestured to the stage, a huge grin on his face.
Stage Katara let out a dramatic sigh, flinging one hand onto her forehead. "Sokka, my only brother, we constantly roam these icy South Pole seas, yet never do we find anything... fulfilling."
"All I want is a full feeling in my stomach," Stage Sokka interjected in an overly emphatic tone. "I'm starving!" He glanced around, arms open, as the audience burst into laughter.
I raised my eyebrows. Katara turned back to look at her brother, skeptical looks on both their faces.
"Is food the only thing on your mind?" Stage Katara cried out.
"Well, I'm trying to get it out of my mind and into my mouth - I'm starving!" The audience laughed again, although it really wasn't that funny at all.
"This is pathetic!" Sokka fumed, leaning forward in indignation. "My jokes are way funnier than this!"
Toph laughed along with the audience. "I think he's got you pegged!"
"Every day, the world awaits a beacon to guide us." Stage Katara stood, gesturing into nothing. "But yet, none appears. Still, we cannot give up hope, for hope... is all we have!" She fell into the canoe, clutching the edge. "And we must never relinquish it, even... even until our dying breath!" Stage Katara burst into sobs.
"Is... she okay?" I whispered to Zuko out of the side of my mouth. He shrugged, just looking bemused.
"Well, that's just silly." Katara scoffed while Suki and Sokka giggled. "I don't sound like that."
"Oh man, this writer's a genius," Toph chortled.
All of a sudden, a blinding light illuminated the stage. A prop iceberg wheeled onto the stage, the shadow of a person moving around inside of it. Stage Sokka and Stage Katara stood up, staring at the iceberg.
"It appears to be a person frozen in a block of ice," Stage Katara said, delivering some unnecessary exposition. "Perhaps for a hundred years."
"But who?" Stage Sokka asked. "Who is the boy in the iceberg?" Aang leaned forward excitedly while I rolled my eyes.
"Waterbend hiyyaaa!" Stage Katara cried, swinging downwards with one arm. Katara made another noise of indignation, but everyone's attention was focused on stage. The fake iceberg split down the middle and smoke filled the stage. From the midst of the all the smoke, out leapt a figure dressed in airbender clothes. Stage Aang jumped out on stage and cocked one hip, winking at us under her heavily made-up face.
Wait a second... her!?
"Who are you, frozen boy?" Stage Katara asked in wonder.
"Oh my god," I whispered under my breath as Stage Aang let out a high pitched, girlish giggle.
"I'm the Avatar, silly!" she cried, twirling around. "Here to spread joy and fun!" All the characters looked inexplicably excited by this, but the real Aang was the exact opposite.
"Wait... is that a woman playing me?" he exclaimed. Before anyone could answer, a loud noise erupted behind them and a horrifying furry creature that was clearly supposed to be Appa burst out from behind the iceberg. Stage Appa paraded around the stage, making various animal noises that sounded nothing like Appa before disappearing.
"An airbender!" Stage Katara gasped. "My heart is so full of hope that it's making me tearbend!" She fell to the ground and clutched Stage Aang's knees, sobbing loudly.
"My stomach is so empty that it's making me tearbend!" Stage Sokka cried, also falling and clutching Stage Aang's knees. "I need meat!"
"But wait." Stage Aang crouched down next to Stage Sokka and pointed at the sky. "Is that a platter of meaty dumplings?!" Aang looked like he wanted to bash his head into the railing.
"Ooh, where? Where?!" Stage Sokka gasped, glancing around. Stage Aang burst into peals of laughter.
"Ha ha ha! Did I mention I'm an incurable prankster?" She crossed her legs and grinned impishly, winking at the laughing audience.
"I don't do that!" Aang cried, gesturing at the stage. "That's not what I'm like! And I'm not a woman!" I patted his arm comfortingly, trying not to laugh.
Toph had no such restrictions and started laughing even louder than before. "Oh, they nailed you, Twinkletoes!" Aang leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms with a huff of annoyance.
The scene changed and a small Fire Nation ship moved onto the stage, with Stage Zuko at the helm holding a telescope. Behind him, a shorter, fatter version of Iroh sat. I nudged Zuko, a smile on my face, and pointed at the stage. He gave me a deadpan look in response but leaned forward slightly in anticipation.
"Prince Zuko, you must try this cake," Stage Iroh said, holding up a platter of cake.
"I don't have time to stuff my face!" Stage Zuko shouted. "I must capture the Avatar to regain my honor!"
I couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped me at that. Zuko turned to me with a glare, and I clapped a hand over my mouth to stifle my giggles. "Well, while you do that, maybe I'll capture another slice!" Stage Iroh said and started enthusiastically stuffing his face with cake.
"You sicken me," Stage Zuko snarled. I choked down another burst of laughter.
"They make me look totally stiff and humorless," Zuko grumbled, folding his arms. Unfortunately, I was trying too hard not to laugh to make a comment at that, but Katara stepped in.
"Actually, I think that actor's pretty spot on."
"How could you say that?" Zuko asked indignantly.
Stage Iroh walked up to Stage Zuko and said, "Let's forget about the Avatar and get massages." The universe must really hate Zuko, because at that moment, Stage Zuko whirled around indignantly.
"How could you say that!?" he cried, in nearly the same inflection and tone as Zuko had said. Zuko's eyes widened and he slumped down in his seat as Katara smirked at him. I doubled over, clutching my knees and nearly crying with laughter.
Stage Aang, Stage Sokka and Stage Katara proceeded to the Southern Air Temple, where Aang found Momo, his pet lemur... err, sorry, rabbit-monkey. "'Hi everybody!'" Stage Aang mimicked, doing a terrible ventriloquist. "'I love you!'" Aang groaned and slumped further.
Next, they headed to Kyoshi Island, where Stage Sokka put on a Kyoshi Warriors costume, stumbling around in the dress and fans. "Does this dress make my butt look fat?" he inquired to Stage Suki.
"Did you really put on a dress?" I laughed, turning around to look at Sokka. He blushed while Suki chuckled.
"Wait a second." Zuko turned around also, smirking. "Were you one of the Kyoshi Warriors I fought that day? Did we fight while you were in a dress?"
"You know, I think it really compliments your figure," I added, grinning.
"Shut up and watch the play," Sokka hissed in response, still red. "Look, we're in Omashu now."
That got my attention. I spun around just to see Stage Bumi (who was wearing a very obvious muscle suit) put the genomite ring on Stage Katara's finger. Stage Katara wailed as there was a flash and then suddenly she was covered in genomite.
I frowned, looking around the stage. Stage Aang was crouched under a boulder and Stage Sokka was running from a guy in a Flopsy costume while Stage Bumi cackled from atop a rock. "Riddles and challenges must you face, if you are ever to leave this place!"
"What's going on? Where am I?" I asked.
There was a burst of smoke and Stage Zuko ran onto the stage. "I have you now!" he proclaimed, pointing at Stage Aang, who was now swinging on top of the boulder. "There's no escape!"
"Oh no, who will save us now?!" Stage Katara cried, pulling up the genomite so it covered her even more.
"I know just who to call!" Stage Bumi cried, pointing up at the ceiling. "My granddaughter, Princess Kioni!" I grabbed Zuko's arm in excitement as a bright green glow burst forward from the center of the stage. A long pole of genomite descended from the ceiling and a green clad figure swung down the pole before landing in the middle of the stage in the splits.
"You called, grandpa?" Stage Me giggled. My eyes widened, and beside me, Zuko made a choked noise. Stage Me was wearing... well... barely anything. A tiny green skirt reached halfway down her thighs and she wore a green cropped shirt with the Earth Kingdom emblem on it. Her hair was tied up in a bun with a glittery scrunchy instead of my chopsticks, and she wore knee high stiletto boots.
She looked... in all honesty, she looked like some weird cheerleader-hooker combo.
Stage Zuko eyed Stage Me up and down appreciatively. Actually, it seemed like most of the audience was doing that. "Hey, angry Fire Nation dude!" Stage Bumi cried. "If I give you this sexy Earth Kingdom princess-" Stage Bumi performed a truly horrifying body roll as he said these words "-will you leave the Avatar alone?"
Stage Zuko's gaze was fixed firmly on Stage Me's cleavage. I instantly let go of Zuko's arm. "Uhhh, my honor though..." Stage Zuko sputtered. Stage Me flounced up to him and linked arms.
"Hey, handsome," she purred. Sokka snorted loudly behind me.
"Forget my honor, you got a deal," Stage Zuko said, wrapping an arm around Stage Me. I sputtered incoherently, my face slowly turning redder.
"Don't worry, grandpa," Stage Me called back to Stage Bumi. "I'm sure I can find ways to... distract him." The way she said that had about twenty different layers of innuendo to it.
"That's not what happened!" I said in a strangled voice as Stage Me and Stage Zuko skipped off stage, his arm securely around her waist. "We battled! I kicked your butt! Why do I look like a prostitute?!" Zuko didn't say anything, his face also a remarkable shade of red.
"Tell me, Kioni, how exactly did you distract Zuko?" Toph asked, her voice laden with amusement. I groaned and buried my face in my hands.
The scene changed again, this time to show Stage Aang, Stage Sokka, and Stage Katara surrounded by pirates. The pirates rushed at them and started to fight, swords clanging. From among all the chaos, the three snuck away, Stage Katara carrying a comically large scroll.
"Katara, why'd you have to steal that waterbending scroll?" Stage Sokka asked as they tiptoed away.
"It just gave me so much hope!" Stage Katara wailed, causing Katara to roll her eyes fiercely. The pirates were still fighting each other when Stage Zuko ran on stage, followed by Stage Me.
"Am I wearing a leash?" I gasped. Outraged, I leaned forward to get a closer look. Yup, Stage Me had some kind of iron collar around her neck, with a chain leading from it to Stage Zuko's hand. I was speechless with indignation.
"How could you let them get away?!" Stage Zuko shouted at the pirates, who broke apart and looked around, confused. Stage Me giggled that annoying giggle again and pressed herself up against a tree in a way that was supposed to be seductive.
"Oh, your majesty, you can tie me to a tree anytime you want," she drawled. Everyone's eyes bugged out of their heads. Stage Zuko looked torn again, glancing between me and the pirates.
"Leave me," he told the pirates finally, before walking over to Stage Me. "I have other matters to deal with." The lights faded to black before we got to see what those other matters were, but I could feel everyone's assumptions going haywire. I groaned and slumped so far in my chair I was seconds away from just melting into a puddle of embarrassment.
The next scene was when Aang got captured at the Pohuai stronghold, but for some reason, in this play, Zuko had captured him instead of Zhao. Stage Me was in the corner again, chained to a smaller version of Stage Aang's prison and striking various suggestive poses.
"The Avatar is mine!" Stage Zuko proclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "Wait, who's coming?"
"I'm the Blue Spirit!" Zuko and I exchanged surprised looks as two giant masks jumped out from behind the curtains, wielding swords. "Scourge of the Fire Nation!"
"And I'm the Green Spirit!" the green mask cried. They began stomping around in circles. "Here to save the Avatar!" Fast music started to play as Stage Zuko battled the Blue and Green spirits, but he failed and was chased off.
"My hero!" Stage Aang swooned, jumping off her platform and landing on the Blue Spirit's head. Together, they ran off, followed by the Green Spirit and the stage went dark once again.
Aang leaned forward to look at Zuko questioningly. "Did you just rescue me... from yourself?" Zuko shrugged.
"What? What about me?" I pointed to Stage Me, who was still leaning up against a pillar and making kissy faces at the audience. Sure, I had my fair share of issues with her, but I didn't like how she was just abandoned like that.
Next, Stage Sokka, Stage Katara and Stage Aang ran into Jet, who actually looked pretty much like actual Jet but with crazier hair. I felt Zuko stiffen slightly next to me and I quietly thanked the gods that I wasn't in this scene. Stage Jet and Stage Katara descended on a platform with their arms wrapped around each other. I raised my eyebrows. Didn't they look cozy.
"Don't cry, baby," Stage Jet said. Stage Katara was sobbing uncontrollably, as usual. Stage Jet pulled her close. "Jet will wipe out that nasty town for you!" A stage hand brought in a large blue sheet of paper that was clearly supposed to be a flood of water.
Stage Katara gave Stage Jet a look that would've made Stage Me proud. "Oh, Jet, you're so bad," she purred as the platform began to rise and the two of them nuzzled noses. My eyebrows had nearly disappeared into my hairline. Toph giggled to herself while Katara touched her hair self-consciously, blushing.
The lights darkened and when they turned back on, the stage was set at the Northern Water Tribe. Stage Me and Stage Zuko were sitting on an ice bridge and we were er... cuddling quite intimately. I instantly flushed again and scooted away from Zuko.
"The North Pole is so cold, but you are just so hot," Stage Me tittered, leaning closer until she was practically in Stage Zuko's lap. Sokka let out a loud laugh behind me.
"I knew you guys had a secret thing all along!" he crowed, leaning forward.
"We did not," I hissed back. Stage Zuko pulled away, looking torn again.
"As much as I have enjoyed our secret thing," he said, and Sokka poked me triumphantly. I groaned, dropping my head. "It cannot continue! For I am true royalty, and you are just an Earth Kingdom floozy!"
"What did you just call me?" I almost shrieked and Zuko covered his face. Stage Zuko leapt off the bridge and ran away, leaving Stage Me behind him. Only seconds passed before Stage Sokka wandered under the bridge and glanced up.
"Hey, how you doin'?" he nodded. Stage Me looked at him for a second.
"Oh, all right." She shrugged and jumped down from the bridge into his arms. They ran off stage together. Sokka made a noise of disgust and shot away from me so fast his head smacked into his seat. Zuko glanced at me, eyebrows raised. I looked back at him with an expression of horror and disbelief.
Stage Sokka appeared on the bridge again, meeting a white haired actress that must have been playing Yue. Fake snow fell around them but only on Stage Sokka. "Don't go, Yue," Stage Sokka pleaded, grabbing her hands. "You're the only woman who's ever taken my mind off food!" They smooched briefly before Stage Sokka pulled away. "Wait! Did you have pickled fish for dinner?"
"Goodbye, Sokka," Stage Yue whispered as she was lifted into the air, sitting on a cardboard moon. "I have important moon duties to take care of. And yes... I did have pickled fish."
Suki giggled. "You never told me you made out with a moon spirit," she teased Sokka, whose eyes were teary.
"Shh." He held a finger up to her mouth. "I'm trying to watch." Suki huffed a little and crossed her arms.
Eerie blue light illuminated the stage suddenly as Stage Aang ran out, dressed in a giant Ocean Spirit costume. She had a doll of Zhao clutched in one hand and paraded around the stage, stomping on tiny cardboard ships and generally causing destruction.
"Hee hee hee!" she laughed, waving the Zhao doll in the air. "The Avatar is back to save the day! Yaaay!" She kicked apart and stomped on a few more ships before tripping on her own costume and falling over. The curtains quickly closed, signaling the end of the first act.
The audience went crazy cheering and applauding, but Toph was the only one in our group who laughed and clapped along. Aang groaned and threw his hands in the air, falling forward. Zuko flipped his hood up, looking angry and embarrassed, and I just dragged a palm down my face.
"So far, this intermission is the best part of the play," Zuko grumbled, voicing everyone's thoughts. They were sitting outside the balcony on the steps, all at various stages of displeasure.
"Apparently, the playwright thinks I'm an idiot who tells bad jokes about meat all the time!" Sokka complained as he sat down next to Suki, shoving a handful of jerky into his mouth.
"Yeah, you tell bad jokes about plenty of other topics." Suki smirked.
"I know!"
"At least the Sokka actor kind of looks like you!" Aang said. "That woman playing the Avatar doesn't resemble me at all!"
"I don't know, you are more in touch with your feminine side than most guys," Toph replied. Aang growled at her but was cut off by Katara.
"Relax, Aang, they're not accurate portrayals," she said calmly. "It's not like I'm a preachy crybaby who can't resist giving overemotional speeches about hope all the time." Silence. Katara crossed her arms. "What?"
"Yeah... that's not you at all," Aang said, looking away. Zuko glanced over at Kioni, who was sitting on the steps with her back to him, her form hunched over.
"Listen, friends," Toph said. "It's obvious that the playwright did his research. I know it must hurt, but what you're seeing up there on that stage is the truth." Kioni's shoulders tensed further, but she remained quiet.
"Just wait until you get on stage, Toph," Katara said, sounding cross now. "It's time for the second act." Everyone stood, somewhat reluctantly and started making their way back on stage.
Zuko looked over at Kioni again, who hadn't said anything during the entire intermission. "Hey." He crouched down next to her, and touched her shoulder lightly. "Are you okay?"
Kioni shrugged his hand off almost instantly, leaving Zuko stung. "I'm fine," she replied curtly, standing up with an indecipherable expression. "Let's just get this over with."
The curtains rose for the second act, which started with Stage Sokka, Stage Katara, Stage Aang, and Stage Me standing in an Earth Kingdom town. I frowned.
"Is that Gaoling?" I side-whispered to Zuko, who was intently reading the program in an effort to ignore the happenings on stage. I didn't blame him.
He glanced up and then back on the program. "Yup. Says right here: 'Act Two, Part 1: Earthbending Teacher.'"
What? Had they just skipped ahead several weeks? Maybe the playwright had a bit of a gap in his research for a while there. To be honest, I was glad that they hadn't showed the part about us going back to Omashu. That was definitely not something I wanted to relive again.
"Here we are in the Earth Kingdom!" Stage Katara announced. Delivering unnecessary exposition seemed to be her main talent, aside from tearbending of course.
"I better have a look around and see if I can find an earthbending teacher!" Stage Aang said, snapping open a tiny glider.
"Why can't Kioni be your earthbending teacher?" Stage Sokka asked.
"I'm only good at bending one kind of rock, if you know what I mean," Stage Me answered with a hearty wink at the audience. Sokka and Suki burst into giggles. My eyes widened with shock and then narrowed with anger.
"What do you mean, only one kind of rock?" Aang asked me, and I glanced upwards in a silent plea for help. Thankfully, Stage Aang leapt into the air and flew around, aided by some kind of rope, and started squealing "Yippee!" This seemed to annoy Aang enough that he was distracted.
"This is it!" Toph seemed too excited to give me grief. "This must be where I come in!"
Stage Aang flew around above the audience before landing. "I flew all over town, but I couldn't find a single earthbending master!"
"Here it comes!" Toph was actually going to explode with anticipation.
The boulder the four were standing by suddenly rose, being lifted into the air by a huge, muscled guy who was dressed exactly like Toph. "You can't find an earthbending master in the sky! You have to look underground!" he said in the deepest voice I had ever heard.
My jaw hit the floor. Zuko dropped his program in shock. Aang burst into laughter while everyone else tried to stifle their giggles.
"Who are you?" Stage Aang asked.
Stage Toph spit on the ground. "My name's Toph, because it sounds like tough!" Stage Toph flexed his enormous biceps. "And that's just what I am!"
"This is the best thing to ever happen ever," I breathed. Zuko nodded next to me, still staring at the stage like he was in a daze.
"Wait a minute." Toph dug a finger into her ear like she was hearing incorrectly. "I sound like... a guy. A really buff guy."
"Well, Toph, what you hear up there is the truth," Katara replied, looking smug. "It hurts, doesn't it?"
"Are you kidding?" Toph cried gleefully. "I wouldn't have cast it any other way!" Katara deflated slightly and I rolled my eyes. Of course Toph would like it. "At least it's not a flying bald lady," she added, and Aang stiffened.
"Sooo... you're blind?" Stage Aang asked, waving a hand in front of Stage Toph's face. Stage Toph chuckled.
"I can see you doing that," he rumbled. "I see everything you see, except I don't see like you do. I release a sonic wave from my mouth." With that, Stage Toph turned to the others, opened his mouth, and produced the most god-awful sound I have ever heard in my entire life.
It was like a thousand armadillo-cats dragged their claws across stone. Sokka and Suki yelped and clutched each other and I flinched into Zuko out of pure instinct. Everyone reacted violently, except Toph, who simply watched with the biggest grin on her face.
"There, I got a pretty good look at you," Stage Toph said. Everyone applauded, Toph the loudest of all.
"That was so cool!"
"My ears," I groaned.
The next scene started off all black, and then a single spotlight panned up to feature Stage Iroh and Stage Zuko standing at opposite ends of a ship deck. I raised my eyebrows at Stage Zuko's er... lustrous locks. They were far longer and shinier than Zuko's hair had ever been.
"Zuko," Stage Iroh said dramatically. "It's time we had a talk... about your hair! It's gone too far!"
"Maybe it's best if we... split up." Stage Zuko turned with a dramatic flip of his hair and they walked off in opposite directions.
"Is that really how it happened?" I asked, smirking. Zuko fixed me with a look and then turned away. When he thought I wasn't looking, he touched his hair self-consciously and I couldn't help but laugh.
"What?" he asked, defensive. I grinned back at him.
"Relax. I like your hair." The pout faded, and I turned back to the stage, still grinning.
They went to the deserted town next, where we were introduced to Stage Azula for the first time. In all honesty, Stage Azula was a lot like the real Azula - all she did was make fun of Zuko and set things on fire. Stage Aang and Stage Toph battled her for a while, since all Stage Katara and Stage Me were capable of was being useless, until Stage Zuko and Stage Iroh arrived on the scene.
"Azula! My sister! What are you doing here?" Stage Zuko yelled once they had all cornered her against a wall. Stage Azula held her hands up.
"You got me," she sighed. She turned and pointed upwards. "Wait! What's that? I think it's your honor!"
"Where!?" Stage Zuko cried, and everyone turned to look. Stage Azula slipped out a door in the rock. Stage Katara looked to the audience.
"She escaped... but how?" Stage Zuko climbed up on the rock and started to look around while everyone else walked off stage. Only Stage Me was left remaining. I felt a bubble of dread start in my chest. There's no way they knew about...
"Oh, Zuko," Stage Me wailed, jumping up on the rock and running towards him. "Please take me back! Please! I need you! I'm nothing without you!"
Stage Zuko looked at Stage Me for a second. "Yeah, okay." He shrugged. Stage Me squealed girlishly and threw herself at him. And then they started to kiss. On stage. And not chastely, either.
Zuko and I glanced at each other for a split second before quickly looking away, blushing furiously. Everyone's eyebrows were raised to different degrees of disbelief and skepticism. "Hey, what's going on?" Toph asked, leaning forward.
"Nothing," I answered quickly.
"You guys kissed?!" Aang chose that exact moment to blurt. Zuko dropped his head into his hands while I groaned and looked skyward again. Oma, just strike me down now.
What happened that night on the mountain was so much more important than just the kiss. It was private. It was between Zuko and I. And it was definitely more than just a "Yeah, okay."
I was really starting to hate this play.
Unfortunately, it only went downhill from there. There was a sinking library, Appa got stolen, and then a ride through the desert with some questionably shaking flowerpots (at this point I adopted Zuko's strategy of hiding my face behind the program). And then Stage Zuko and Stage Me were on the ferry to Ba Sing Se.
"Hey, baby."
I cursed quietly under my breath as Stage Jet emerged again. He sauntered up to Stage Me and threw an arm around her. She tittered and leaned into him, batting her eyelashes. Sokka, Katara and Aang all made noises of surprise and confusion while Zuko just subtly clenched his fists. I sighed internally. I was reaaallly hoping this part got left out, but clearly I had no such luck.
"You wanna help me steal some food, good lookin'?" Stage Jet asked suavely. "You look like a bad girl."
"Oooh, I could be a bad girl for you," Stage Me flirted back.
Aang turned to me, looking shocked and a little scandalized. "Did this really happen? You and Jet stole food from other people?"
"I don't want to talk about it," I muttered.
"How about you, hot stuff?" Stage Jet said. I turned back to the stage and realized he was looking at Stage Zuko. I raised my eyebrows. Well, wasn't this an interesting turn of events.
Stage Zuko seemed confused, just like the rest of us. "Come on, I can sense your inner fire." Stage Jet swaggered over to Stage Zuko and then he had an arm around both of our stage counterparts. "You know what they say, the more the merrier."
The stage darkened then, leaving some heavy implications behind. Dumbfounded, I turned to Zuko, who looked at me with the same expression of horror. "Did we just..." he started, trailing off and then turning bright red.
"Oh my god," I mouthed, too stupefied for words. Katara turned to look at us, her eyes wide with horror. "What the hell."
It got a little boring after that. For a long stretch, Stage Azula stood on top of a drill and ranted about her plans for world domination (again, not that different from actual Azula) while Aang ineffectually threw rocks at her from atop a wall.
"If she continues drilling, this wall will come down for sure!" One thing Stage Aang seemed to have learned from Stage Katara was the art of needless exposition. I wondered how long it would be before she started tearbending.
"Ha ha ha!" Stage Azula cackled. "Yes, keep drilling! The city of Ba Sing Se can hide no longer!" She got a few cheers from the audience for that. Stage Aang kept throwing rocks at her, but she kept swatting them away effortlessly.
"That's not what happened!" Aang protested, looking grumpier and grumpier. I think he was just mad that at times, the play made him look almost as useless as Katara and I.
This continued for a while. To be honest, I started to doze off a bit, and the audience did too I think. I was jerked away suddenly when Zuko nudged me.
"Wha-what's going on?" I sat upright and looked around blearily. Zuko pointed to the stage, looking grim.
"Jet." I looked forward, and my eyes widened. All of a sudden, Stage Jet had hooks for hands? And his eyes looked crazy, like someone had put bug-eyed glasses on him. He stumbled around on the stage, flailing his arms madly and yelling while eerie music played in the background.
"No! Jet! What did they do to you?" Stage Aang cried. It looked like they were all underneath Lake Laogai.
"Must - serve - Earth - King -" Stage Jet ranted, swinging his hooks at Stage Aang and the others. "Must - destrooooy!" I leaned away, taken aback, as he started babbling nonsense, twitching and convulsing, until finally a rock fell from above and covered him. Well, partially; he scooted under to fit completely.
Everyone seemed a little startled. "Did Jet just... die?" Zuko asked uncertainly.
"You know, it was really unclear," Sokka replied.
When the lights came back on again, I tensed instantly. The glowing green crystals in the background made it clear that the next scene happened in the crystal catacombs. Stage Zuko was sitting on a crystal, mumbling angrily to himself. My Zuko glanced at me nervously, unconsciously twisting his hands together in his lap.
Stage Katara wandered onto the stage, and my brow furrowed. "You know, Prince Zuko," she said, adopting a voice that sounded disturbingly like my stage counterpart. "I really find you attractive."
My eyebrows shot up and Katara squeaked in shock. "You don't have to make fun of me!" Stage Zuko retorted angrily. "I know this scar makes me hideous!" To my shock, there were some laughs of agreement in the audience. Zuko just looked sad, but not surprised, and a fresh stab of anger went through me.
"But I mean it," Stage Katara continued. "I've had eyes for you ever since the day you first captured me." Katara and Zuko glanced at each other now and scooted farther away awkwardly. I scooched over a little to make room, but Zuko was still so close to me our legs were pressed together.
"Wait! I thought you were the Avatar's girl!" Stage Zuko proclaimed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Aang nod his head in agreement, looking put out. Ohhhh boy.
Stage Katara let out a laugh. "The Avatar? Why, he's like a little brother to me! I certainly don't think of him in a romantic way." I bit my lip as Aang's shoulders slumped, feeling bad. "Besides, how could he ever find out about this?"
The two embraced and started to nuzzle noses. Aang stood suddenly and made to leave the box. I was about to call out to him when Sokka interjected, "Oh, you're getting up? Can you get me some Fire Flakes?" He put his arm back around Suki before jerking forward again. "Oh, and Fire Gummies!"
On stage, Stage Zuko and Stage Katara were still cuddling intimately. I turned to Zuko, my eyebrows at my hairline, and he flushed a dull red. "Uh... this never happened, I swear," he mumbled, and I bit my lip to hide my smirk.
The scene darkened and then a single spotlight landed on stage, featuring just Stage Zuko with his head in his hands. The rest of the lights slowly came on to reveal Stage Azula standing on one side of him and Stage Iron and Stage Me on the other.
My smirk vanished instantly.
A large Fire Nation banner hung behind Stage Azula, while an Earth Kingdom one hung behind Stage Iroh and Stage Me. "Well, my brother," Stage Azula announced. "What will it be - your nation, or a life of treachery?"
Stage Zuko swayed back and forth, indecisive. "Choose treachery!" Stage Iroh encouraged with a thumbs up. "It's more fun!"
"Oh, yeah, I can definitely make a life of treachery more fun," Stage Me purred, leaning forward so that her already enormous cleavage stuck out even more. I wanted to smack someone. Preferably her... or myself, so I wouldn't have to sit through this.
The spotlight followed Stage Zuko as he walked over to Stage Uncle and Stage Me, before promptly grabbing Stage Me around the waist and starting to make out with her furiously. Behind me, I heard Sokka choke on a Fire Gummy. "No way!" Stage Azula cried in exaggerated outrage.
The audience whooped and wolf whistled, but my fists were clenched tightly in my lap and my teeth gritted. I knew where this was going. I knew what happened next, but it didn't sting any less when Stage Zuko shoved Stage Me off him, literally throwing her to floor. An added insult (or bonus, probably from most of the audience's point of view) was that her short skirt rode up as she skidded across the stage, giving everyone a clear shot of her underwear.
Then, Stage Zuko turned and shoved Stage Iroh to the floor also, sending his cup of tea splattering everywhere. Beside me, Zuko winced visibly. I wanted to look away so badly, but it was like a horrible train wreck. I simply couldn't.
"I hate you, Uncle!" Stage Zuko yelled. "You smell, and I hate you for all time!"
Next to him, Katara was wide eyed. "You didn't really say that, did you?"
"I might as well have," Zuko mumbled sadly. Stage Zuko walked over to Stage Azula, and I thought that would finally be the end of this terrible scene, but then Stage Me called out.
"Wait! Zuko!" Stage Zuko and Stage Azula turned around. Stage Me made for a pretty pathetic picture, lying on the floor with one arm outstretched, mascara running down her tearstained cheeks.
"How could you do this to me?" she cried. "I loved you! I thought you loved me too!"
It was like a sharp blade plunged directly into my heart. Both Zuko and I inhaled sharply out of utter shock. My jaw hung open, not believing that this was actually happening, as Stage Zuko started to laugh loudly and cruelly.
"You thought I could love you?" he guffawed with a sick sort of pleasure. "You're nothing but a worthless, dirty peasant! You're not worthy of love, especially not from royalty. Even in a life of treachery, I would never love you."
Some tiny, detached part of me acknowledged that I ought to have been prepared for this. That it really shouldn't have hurt as much as it did.
The rational part of my brain knew that this was a fiction, knew that Zuko had never actually said any of those things. But they hurt so deeply, as if the playwright had handpicked the words that would cut through all the right wounds. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking as Stage Zuko and Stage Azula walked off stage.
Nobody in our booth said anything. We all were too horrified for words.
Had I really been paying attention to the rest of the second act, I think I would have found it morbidly amusing. Stage Mai made an appearance with her enormous hairbuns and a frowny face belt, and Stage Ty Lee knocked out some Dai Lee agents with a kiss.
Stage Aang leapt out from behind the throne and cried, "Avatar State, yip yip!" She rose up into the air again, and the Stage Azula jumped onto the stage.
"Not if my lightning can help it!" she yelled, throwing a blue a ribbon forward. Stage Aang caught the ribbon and jerked for a few seconds before being lowered to the ground. Stage Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee jumped into a formation. "The Avatar... is no more!"
As the curtains lowered, the crowd went crazy again with applause. Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. The theater felt suffocating, I had to get out of there. So before anyone could say anything, I stood and rushed out of the box.
Aaand here's the first part of probably my favorite episode in the whole series! I took a while to formulate what Kioni's onstage portrayal would be. At first I just wanted to make her a typical Mary Sue, but then I realized that would be too boring to even write as a joke. xD This character leads for a lot more jokes and awkward moments.
I also tried to play on some of the 'jokes' in this series, such as SokkaxKioni for example. Haha, I remember like way back in Book 2 when people were reviewing saying they were actually starting to ship them. And I also slipped in a little joke on Jetko. The actual episode kind of already makes fun of Zutara, so I left that in.
The second part of this chapter will be up soon! I had to split it up because it got waaaay too long. But we'll see the aftermath of the first two acts in that chapter. Although you guys might have found Stage Kioni funny (I had fun writing her), actual Kioni most definitely does not find it funny.
Thanks for being so patient with me this year! I'm out of school for the summer, which will give me a lot more time to write. My goal for this story is to actually finish it by the end of summer. We only have about five or six chapters left, so hopefully I can make that goal. And I think it would be really awesome if we could break 1000 reviews before the story is over. That would mean so much to me, so if you could review, I would love you forever!
Up Next: The Ember Island Players, Part 2.
