Chapter 71
Promises
After I kick "Doctor" Meredith out, Peeta and I don't do much. We just sit down on the couch, close to each other but not that close to be touching. I'm still somewhat angry at him for pushing me away and calling Meredith instead of me... I know I don't have the right to be that angry because I didn't tell him about my nightmare. I didn't lie to him about it but I didn't exactly tell him the truth, I hid the truth from him, which is basically lying. But I'm even angrier at myself for being so stupid to actually trust someone. A stranger. I was beginning to trust her, I let her into my house, Peeta talked to her about his flashbacks... And she was a spy. From Thirteen.
My headache is returning and all this information is spinning around my brain. If I hadn't been so furious, if I could've pushed that immense anger away, I would have been able to ask more questions. I should have asked who sent her, how much did she know about us. I should read the notebook, but I was so disgusted with the hole thing, I didn't want to read everything that she'd written. She had been following me long before I met her... And I never noticed. She followed me today, when I was having a flashback to the nightmare, I was suffering, I passed out, she could've stopped it. And another thing sticks on my mind: how taken aback she looked when Peeta mentioned the people that died, Finnick among them. Did she know him?
I spend a little while trying to answer that question, but my head aches so much that I leave it alone getting to the conclusion that everyone in Panem knew or had heard about Finnick Odair. I stop thinking about it too because I can feel my nightmare returning, seeing Finnick's bloody throat and sad, teary, betrayed eyes... The tombstones... I push everything away, but with little success.
"How did you know?", Peeta asks breaking the long, long silence. I turn and look at him. His eyes are swollen and tired, he has a bruise on his neck, scratches on his face, bruises on his arms.
His hair is messy and everywhere, and his lips have dried blood on them. I can actually see the marks of his teeth on them, he made his lips bleed.
"How did I know what?", I say.
"About Doctor Meredith not being... Doctor Meredith", he replies. His voice is scratchy and hoarse and cold, because of the screams but if I didn't know him I could dismiss the slight anger on his voice too.
"I didn't", I say. "I wish I had. I can't believe we let her into the house, that you talked to her about your flashbacks... how much did you tell her?".
"Not much", he says. "The thing is... she was actually helping".
"How could she, Peeta? She was spying on me, on us. She watched me, she followed me today...", I trail off. Speaking of that would be telling him about the nightmare although he could already know since Meredith said it.
"Her advice was good, she told me how to control it, I was trying-".
"Wait", I cut him off. "Did you provoke yourself into today's flashback?", I say feeling angry again.
"No, I didn't", he says honestly. "But I've been wanting to. Maybe if I could make them come I would have control over them... Anyway, it was just an idea. But today...".
"Today what?".
"Nothing".
"Why, Peeta?", I say unable to hold it back. "Why did you call her and not me? You pushed me away, I was there to help you, you needed me... And I needed you. Why did you push me away?", I say maybe more sad than angry. And it's unfair, because this is actually one of the first times he pushes me away, when I can't even count how many times I have pushed him away.
He takes a while to answer, but when he does I see sorrow on his eyes. "... I'm sorry. I really am, Katniss. I just hate it... I don't want you to see me as screwed up as I am".
"We're both screwed up", I say not letting him finish. Again my anger is showing, why am I acting so defensive?
"I know... but it's different. I could hurt you, I don't want to. The flashbacks... they ruin everything, and they... They're getting worse."
"What do you mean?", I say very quietly, my voice breaking. Though I already know the answer. My heart breaks a little just at the very thought.
"I don't know... I'm not sure. But today was the worse one... It was almost like... like if I was back there, back to the hijack. I became the monster, someone else. I wasn't myself back then, Katniss. And today... Today I felt like that person again. I was so scared... I was freaking out. I could have hurt you, for real, this time, beyond repair...", hearing that makes me shiver, and Peeta's eyes are so sad, tears might be escaping from them anytime, and I force my own tears to stay where they are, inside my eyes.
"That won't happen, Peeta", I say taking his hand now. "We'll get through this, together, I promise you. We've been through so much, we won't break now", I say squeezing his hand. He looks at me and gives me a sad smile, but I know he believes in me. The next five minutes is a complete silence, none of us cry, we just stay there holding hands, and I realize my anger is completely gone right now.
"I was angry, you know?", I say then. "I was angry at you for pushing me away... But I had no right to. I lied to you... Dr. Meredith might have betrayed me, and I don't know if I would've told you and I'm sorry about that".
"You can tell me now", he says softly.
I take a deep breath. "It was last night. We were on a graveyard, we were all there... standing before Finnick's and his son's grave. Everyone was saying I killed them, Annie was screaming and yelling hysterically at me... and then I saw Finnick...", My voice breaks and I can't go on.
I once heard talking about your nightmare with someone would make them go away and you would not have them again... I don't know what was going on with that someone because I do not believe it at all. Speaking about it out loud just makes it worse. You go back there to that haunted land, you hear all the screams and the yelling, you smell all the blood...
"Stop", Peeta says softly. He begins tracing little circles on my hand. "Come here", he opens his arm and I let myself be welcomed by him. I rest my head on his chest and I bring my legs up here.
"Are you angry?", I ask after some silence.
"At you? No, I'm not but I wish you had told me. And I guess you wish I hadn't pushed you away", he says. "I'm more angry at myself, to be honest".
"Me too", I say. "We made a mistake here, Peeta".
"I know".
"Promise me that you won't ever push me away", I say.
"I promise", he says, "Promise me that you will wake me up when you're having a nightmare. Even if you were just having nightmares with my snores and you were startled", I can hear his smile and I giggle.
"You do not snore that loud", I say.
"My point is, no matter what you're dreaming about. If you need me, tell me. I'll be there for you", he says softly.
"Always?".
"Always".
"You too, Peeta. Wake me. I'd rather spend the whole night away by your side and knowing that you're okay, than sleeping while you are afraid".
"I promise", he says. And I know this promises, are to be kept.
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