A/N. Once again I am sorry in advance for the angst in this chapter. I feel terrible. I feel like the boys are Humpty Dumpty and instead of falling, I gave them a great big shove off the wall. That being said, I will give you a little warning right now: ANGST, ANSGT, ANGST. That was my warning. I don't own anything.
James Diamond was absolutely certain that everyone would be much better off if he was dead. All he did was hurt people. He had hurt Kendall and Carlos and his family. Worst of all he had hurt Logan He was supposed to be protecting Logan and he had hurt him in possibly an irreversible way. All he could see was Logan shrinking away from him when he reached out, Carlos' yell and shove, Kendall's green eyes full of mistrust. They had been perfect just a week ago and he had single-handedly ripped them all to shreds. He didn't blame his friends one bit if they never forgave him. He didn't deserve their forgiveness. And he didn't blame Carlos and Kendall when they dragged him out side the hospital and back him against the cold brick walls. If anything, he deserved worse.
"What is wrong with you?" Carlos never raised his voice. But he had yelled at James in the apartment and he was yelling now. "Do you really think Logan needs to hear any of what you just told him? We all agree that he's stubborn. But we all are. He hasn't done anything to us that we haven't done to him. He has enough to deal with in his life without you yelling at him like that!" Carlos paused to take in a deep breath. But he stopped in mid-breath when he looked at James.
He had, of course, been looking at James the entire time he was yelling at him. But when Carlos really looked at him, he felt his heart break just a little more even though he had been convinced that it was already broken beyond repair. Standing before him was not an eighteen-year-old boy with dreams of becoming a Hollywood star. Standing before him was a little boy, who looked about as lost and as frightened as he felt himself. When Carlos saw James, all of his anger drained out of him and vaporized into the night air. "James-" He began, his voice cracking.
"Stop, Carlos."
Kendall's voice sent a shiver up the younger boy's spine. He glanced from James to Kendall.
They had known each other forever it seemed. All of them had known Kendall long enough to know that when someone he loved was hurt, he would do anything in his power to bring revenge upon the person who had caused the pain in the first place. But whenever he had gotten that angry, Kendall usually yelled and threw punches like he had when Carlos had faced constant racial torment in ninth grade. Tonight was different. Tonight Kendall was calm, cool, and collected. His eyes pinned James to the wall as he spoke.
"I don't know what your problem is but if we weren't surrounded by people just inside I would have no problems with tearing your pretty hair out and smacking you into this wall. And you deserve so much worse, James."
Carlos could only stare in shock as the words continued to spill from Kendall's mouth. James seemed to shrink before his eyes but he didn't move a muscle. He didn't even blink.
"I thought we were friends. I thought we agreed that which ever one of us needed it, came first. Logan needs us to be his friends. He does not need us to yell at him and tell him how stupid he is. He needs us to protect him. I thought you understood that."
"Kendall, stop." Carlos pleaded. He felt helpless and stuck in the middle.
Kendall ignored him as if he wasn't even there. He laughed harshly. "In the beginning we were protecting Logan from his father. I thought when he was dead that problem would be over. But now I guess that all along we needed to protect him from you."
Carlos finally shoved Kendall away from James and knelt down to where James had slid to the ground under Kendall's verbal assault. Sticks and stones may break me but words will never hurt me. Carlos wished Kendall had thrown rocks at James. There was no way it could have been any worse. "James?"
His friends were slowly slipping away. He wasn't just losing Logan. He was losing Kendall and James as well. They had been so close for so many years that it almost made sense in a weird, twisted way. They were like a car. Virtually useless with three wheels, they could not function unless they were all together. He felt his sanity slipping away as James continued to sit motionless on the cold, hard concrete, refusing to respond to his pleas. If Logan were there with them, he would have had them straightened out in two minutes flat.
What would Logan do?
Carlos stood up and turned to face Kendall. "You know what else we promised each other? We promised that we would be there for one other no matter what happened. We promised each other that we wouldn't shut each other out. Look what's happened to us. Logan's not even dead and we're in pieces. How are we going to handle-"
"Don't say it, Carlos." Kendall said, his face darkening. But Carlos spotted tears in his eyes and he grabbed onto the last but of hope that he could still save Kendall.
"I know you're supposed to be the leader, Kendall. You always were. But that doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel. You're allowed to be scared and angry and sad. You're human too. I think we've all had our share of breakdowns and. . . depression." Carlos nearly choked on the sickening word. "But not you. You're like a block of ice and no matter what happens it's only a small chip in you and you just keep on being frozen. And now that you've finally broken yourself, you've also broken our promises."
"It's like we're not even friends anymore." Carlos whispered as he finished his rant. He sank back down next to James who to some relief, was shaking with sobs. "I thought we were a team." He added. But he wasn't even sure if Kendall or James were listening anymore. Maybe he had lost them and he was talking to himself.
Then he felt Kendall sit down on James' other side and pull him into a hug. It took Carlos a second before he realized that their fearless leader was totally broken and crying. He felt tears crowd his own eyes and he leaned into a three-way hug, thinking of how incomplete without Logan there.
Logan would have been proud of Carlos. The youngest team member hated confrontation and did everything possible to stay out of the fray. But he had stood up to Kendall when they all needed him the most and suddenly Kendall realized how incredibly stupid he had been.
Logan's father had been a cold, uncaring, weak monster of a man. James was nothing of the sort. When it came right down to it, he cared too much. He had nearly destroyed himself in the period following Logan's temporary death. How Kendall could have ever compared James Diamond to Ryan Mitchell was completely beyond him. But words were something you could never take back. They were gone, forever engrained in James' mind. And as Kendall stared at James, all he could think of was how he had done the same thing to James that James had done to Logan. He felt like a sick hypocrite. Logan had cancer. He didn't need to be yelled at. James had depression probably. He didn't need to be yelled at either.
"James?"
Kendall sounded like a completely different person than he had just minutes ago. He sounded world-weary and childlike at the same time. But there was also something that kept James from pulling away. He sounded like Kendall Knight. His friend. "I'm sorry." James whispered. "I was just so frustrated and when Logan called himself our problem I got so angry."
"I know, James." Kendall said softly. "I know exactly how you feel. That doesn't make it okay what happened tonight. But I had no right to turn right back around and shove your own words down your throat."
"Yes, you did." James cried. "And like you said earlier, I deserved worse."
"No." Kendall shook his head. "You don't James. You don't need it either. Carlos was right. We are falling apart. But we can still save ourselves and each other if we really want to. There's still time. Logan's still here. We need him now to get back to where we were before."
Carlos felt a tiny spake of hope. He lifted his head and peered through the darkness at Kendall and James who thankfully, looked like his friends again. "Does that mean we can still be friends?"
Logan watched his friends as they filed into the room. They looked out of place in the white hospital room. James was fully dressed to go out on a date with Julie, Carlos was still only wearing one shoe, and Kendall looked liked he had just rolled out of bed. But it was there facial expressions that bothered him. They looked like they should be wearing tuxes and going to a funeral. They looked utterly lost and confused. Especially James.
A thrill of fear raced down Logan's spine and he shivered. James again. Always James. The brilliant light was gone from his eyes and as he sat furthest away from the bed, his posture so stiff that Logan was afraid his backbone would snap in half, all Logan could think of was how glad he was to see that James was here with them.
"So much for celebrating the new year." He said, trying to brighten their spirits. His shoulders slumped when the lame attempt failed to even catch Carlos' attention. "Did you call the girls?"
"Um," Carlos shook his head. "No. We forgot." He fell silent and stared at his shoes.
James could only stare at Logan through swollen, red rimmed eyes. He looked relatively fine but that was only on the surface. He watched as Logan continued to struggle to make conversation even though Kendall and Carlos were both to upset to talk very much. He wanted so badly to say something but every time he opened his mouth to speak, the words stuck in his throat and wouldn't leave his dry mouth.
"Do you hate me?"
Maybe he wasn't completely robbed of speech. Carlos and Kendall turned around to stare at him. Logan's jaw was literally hanging open.
Logan recovered quickly and snapped his mouth shut. He shook his head. "James, what kind of question is that? Of course I don't hate you. How could you even think that? Was it something I did or said or. . ." His voice trailed off and his eyes were suddenly full of understanding. "Oh." He said softly.
No matter how long James had known his friends, they had always managed to surprise him day after day. This was no exception. Logan had forgotten all about James' harsh words. James couldn't breath, his lungs were constricted far too much for the simple task.
"No, I don't hate you James." Logan's soft voice made it's way through James' ears into his brain where they settled themselves. Logan didn't hate him. It was impossible, even for Logan. But it was true. Logan wouldn't lie.
"Why?" James asked. He couldn't make himself move to Logan. He didn't trust himself.
Logan frowned at the question. "Because," He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You're my brother."
If anything James would have expected Logan to call him his best friend. Because that's what they were supposed to be. But when Logan called him his brother, his empty shell fell away and he began to cry yet again. When Logan opened his arms for a hug it was the only invitation he needed and he crossed the room to Logan's bed.
Logan could care less what happened earlier. It was in the past. He needed his friends now and they needed him now. That was all that matted to him. "Do you remember that Japanese story we read in third grade?" He asked quietly.
His friends only stared at him blankly and he couldn't help smiling a little at the sight. "It was called, Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes by Eleanor Coerr. She gets leukemia from the radiation poisoning after the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb over Hiroshima. Anyway, I think her best friend tells her about the Japanese legend where if a sick person folds one thousand paper cranes, they'll get better. So she and her family and friends fold a bunch of cranes together. Really, what the story is about isn't her illness. It's about the tragedy at Hiroshima. None of that should have ever happened." Logan looked sad at his own quick retelling of the story.
But Carlos had suddenly brightened. He looked around the room and finding a notepad by Logan's bed, he tore a piece of paper off and began folding it. His tongue stuck out slightly and his brow was furrowed so much in concentration that his helmet slipped over his eyes and he had to shove it back up on his forehead.
"Carlos, what are you doing?" Kendall raised his eyebrows and watched Carlos in confusion. "Carlos, what are you doing?"
Carlos stopped and stared. "Isn't it obvious? We should make a thousand paper cranes for Logan. He'll get better then." His expression was so earnest and innocent that it hurt to see him.
Kendall sighed. "Carlos, it's just a stupid legend. A Japanese legend. Legends aren't real, Carlos. They're just more false hope."
Carlos' dark eyes filled with tears. "But-"
How many times would they hurt each other tonight? Time after time again in only the past two hours they had insulted each other, and criticized one another. It hadn't been this bad their entire lives. In under twenty minutes Kendall alone had brought James to his knees and destroyed Carlos' fantasy. And he was the leader. The one who was supposed to hold them together. Instead he was tearing them apart.
"You don't have to be so negative about everything." Carlos reprimanded softly. "What can it hurt?"
Kendall dropped his head into his hand. It was quiet in the small room. For once they were all at a loss for words. The silence was unbearable so finally Logan spoke up.
"We're screwed right now aren't we?" He bit his lip.
"You're pretty normal, Logan." Kendall ran a hand through his hair and looked at Carlos. "I''m really sorry, Carlos. I didn't mean to sound so negative. I want it to work. I want something to work. But I feel like everything that could be done has been done and all we can do now is wait. I didn't mean to hurt you like that."
Carlos' shoulders slumped in relief and he smiled at Kendall. "It's okay, Kendall." He said simply. It was enough. Carlos was pretty much incapable of holding grudges against his best friends. He was worried about all of them though. He was scared how easily they fell apart. Sure it was never very long before someone would realize what idiots they were being and fix things. But it was always a temporary fix. A band aid. Soon it would be ripped off exposing more of their fears and less of their ability to hold onto hope.
"Can I apologize for something?" Logan asked hesitantly. "I know you guys will probably say that nothing tonight was my fault but that's not true. We're all to blame and that includes me. I shouldn't have pushed you guys to go out tonight. I want you to be as normal as you possible can even without me."
"Logan, there is no normal without you though." Carlos argued quietly as he set the first paper crane on the nightstand. The boys stared at it as Logan went on.
"There might have to be. We all know that. A new normal." Logan took the crane from the table and held it in the palm of his hand. He had no idea that hyperactive Carlos had the patience and skill that the bird required. "But even if that doesn't happen I don't want you guys waiting around for me when I can't do anything. It's not fair to you guys. You should be out with friends, having a good time."
"You're our best friend and we have good times with you." Kendall spoke up.
Logan laughed. "You're all so stubborn." He said, shaking his head. "What I'm trying to say is that we have other friends. And sometimes they need you more than I need you. Guess I was wrong about tonight though. I really did need you guys. And as usual you all came together and here we are. But sometimes like those days when all I do is lay around and sleep, then you can leave. Because our other friends need to hang out and talk with you. They're hurting too."
Carlos groaned a little at the mention of their other friends. "We never even called them." He reminded his friends, causing James and Kendall to groan as well while Logan merely gave them a smug look.
"See?" He pointed out. "Now they're probably all freaking out about where you guys are. Because you're neglecting them."
"Okay, fine." Kendall admitted with a sigh. "You're right, Logan. Of course. We have been neglecting the girls and our other friends. And I promise that we'll work on it. But what about you, Logan? Because as wrong as James was to say what he did. . . well, it's true."
James looked miserable when Kendall brought up his words but he knew their leader was right to do so. Logan needed to know that he was not a problem. So even though the reminder was like a knife embedded in his stomach, James nodded in agreement to Kendall's words.
Before Logan said anything though he shot a quick glance of concern at James. When the other boy managed a weak smile in return he knew it would be okay. "I don't try to shove you guys away I promise. But I'm still so used to being around my dad who never cared. Even though I spent most of my life with you guys anyway I always felt that parents were supposed to be the ones who cared the most. So when my dad never asked me how my day went or what I wanted for my birthday I thought that set the standard for people caring about me pretty low. I thought it was my fault somehow. You know how when nothing makes sense that you blame it on yourself? That's how I always felt. But you guys and your families have always cared so much more than I ever expect. That confused me. Why did your parents care more about me than my own father? It didn't seem right so I always assumed it was just undeserved."
"Logan, how could you think that?" Carlos asked sadly. "The only thing you didn't deserve was your father. I've always wondered how someone like you got stuck with someone like him. Talk about unfair. But. . ." He trailed off and looked thoughtful. "Logan, I don't remember your mom much." He said as gently as possible. "But all of our parents always said that you took after her in so many ways. Your looks, your personality, your talents. And it was always so easy to believe because all I had to do was look at your dad. I never saw any similarities between the two of you. But there's something that scares me."
"What?" Logan asked his voice shaking slightly.
Carlos took a deep breath. "Logan, your mom died in a car accident and eventually so did your dad. But you lost your dad long before his accident. You lost him when your mom died because he pushed you and everyone else away because he was hurting so badly. And sometimes when you're hurting and won't let us help you I'm scared because I think that we'll lose you before your cancer can do anything to you."
Once again silence filled the room. But it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. James and Kendall were weak with relief that Carlos had found the courage to admit what had been on their minds for weeks. Carlos himself wasn't entirely sure how he had managed to put his thoughts into words so well but for the most part he hoped that he hadn't hurt Logan while at the same time hoping he would understand.
"I understand." Logan whispered after a couple of minutes ticked by on the clock. "It makes perfect sense, Carlos. And I think you're right because there are so many times when I want to tell you something but I don't want to hurt you. There are so many times when I think that keeping it to myself will be easier in the end. And since I've been sick. . . sometimes I think that if no once cares about me then no one will miss me when I'm gone."
"And that's the wrong way to live, Logan." Carlos spoke earnestly, suddenly wise beyond his years. "It's like living in a fish tank. Have you ever thought about what it's like to live in a fish tank? To be a fish? They're so content with their little world because it's safe and secure. It's the same every day in their confined spaces. There's no sharks, there's no fishing lines, no pollution. It's just them and their colorful pebbles and maybe a castle or a scuba diver. The only thing they have to worry about is getting their tank cleaned and getting fed."
Carlos took a deep breath and continued his explanation that would only make sense to those who knew him. "But they also have no control over their lives. All they do is swim around in circles while just outside we have the whole world. We have the ocean only it's not wet. We can make our own decisions and have hobbies and friends and family. It's our life and only we can define who we are and how we live. We can't let others influence us too much or we'll lose ourselves."
"You are not your father, Logan. He lived in a fish tank because he was afraid of getting hurt. But you. . . you're braver than him, Logan. You deserve to live in an ocean because a tank is to small for someone like you. But you have to want to, Logan. You have to realize that you're braver than your father ever was. And you have to let go of him."
If a stranger had overheard any of Carlos' words they would have been confused. But to anyone who knew Carlos, especially his best friends, it made perfect sense. Everything.
"Logan?"
Logan opened his eyes and turned to see Carlos watching him from where he sat on the edge of his cot.
"Sorry, did I wake you up?" Carlos backtracked quickly. "It's no big deal. Forget I said anything."
Logan sat up a little bit so he could see his friend better. James and Kendall were thankfully sound asleep but Carlos had obviously not even tried. Apparently, he had located more paper because at least a dozen paper cranes were scattered around his cot. "I wasn't asleep. What's up?"
"It doesn't-"
"Something's on your mind so yes, it does matter." Logan patted the edge of his bed and Carlos was beside him in an instant.
"Did it work?" Carlos asked, as he settled against the pillows and rested his head against Logan's shoulder. He found the warmth of the contact more comforting than anything else because it meant life and it meant Logan. The combination meant more than Carlos could ever express into words.
It took Logan a full thirty seconds to realize that Carlos was talking about the story of Sadako and her thousand paper cranes. He met Carlos' wide eyes. He was back to being the baby of the group and Logan felt protective of him then. But just like a parent, Logan knew he couldn't protect him from everything.
"No."
A/N. This chapter wasn't supposed to be over 4000 words but it ran away with me. I hope everyone has forgiven James. Logan is okay for the time being. Carlos was impossibly cute in this chapter and he's the reason it was so long. Kendall still has issues that may or may not be resolved in the next chapter. One final note before I wrap up. I recently received an anonymous review for chapter one that not only stole my friend's pen name on this site but also left me feeling a little insulted. I love all of my readers but if you don't like this story then don't read and please don't review. Thank you. So that being said, I really do love you all and I hope to have C53 up by Sunday. Reviews are love!
