Chapter 51
The indoor picnic was quiet, laced with occasional conversation. There was an awkwardness that hung in the air as they talked, however, the conversation was trivial, mainly about the food in front of them. This wasn't exactly what Kristin had intended. She'd wanted them to be able to talk like they used to, only there was something holding the both of them back.
She cradled her chin in her hand and stared across the table at him. He didn't seem to notice, his attention on the sandwich in front of him. She lowered her gaze, picking a small piece of chicken up with her free hand and bringing it to her lips.
Nathan suddenly looked up at her. He reached in the basket and took out another sandwich. "Would you like another?"
She shook her head. "No, thank you. It…it was good, but I'm still working on this one."
Nathan nodded quietly, and picked up his own sandwich once again. He looked as though he wanted to say something else, opened his mouth to speak, but then he closed it again.
Kristin let out a sigh. They'd never had trouble struggling for things to say to one another before. She decided she was going to have to break the silence. Perhaps he was just worried about saying the wrong thing. "Nathan, I-"
"Nice weather we've been having, isn't it?" he said at the same time.
Kristin quirked an eyebrow at him as she swallowed the last bite of her sandwich and stared at him for a moment.
"Sorry," he muttered sheepishly. "Go ahead."
"Is it really that difficult?"
"What?"
"Talking, I mean. We can talk about things that are a bit deeper than the weather, you know. I didn't mean for you to feel like we can't talk about other things. I…" She looked down at the table. "I know it's not exactly how it used to be between us, but I'd still like us to be able to talk about anything."
Nathan reached across the table and placed a hand over hers. "We can. I was just trying to be careful about what I brought up."
She looked up and gave him a small smile. "I do appreciate that."
Nathan let out a sigh and moved around to the other side of the table to stand behind her. He placed his hands on her shoulders. "What would you like to talk about?"
She gave a light shrug. "I don't know."
"Well, how about a change of scenery?"
"Outdoors again?" she said thoughtfully, looking towards the window.
"Sort of, but we don't need to go that far," he told her, moving to her side and holding out his hand. "We can clean this up later."
She accepted his hand and allowed him to lead her through the adjoining door. As he led her towards the sliding door, she knew where they were going: the balcony. She hadn't thought of that, but as they stepped through the door, Kristin suddenly felt a bit more at ease. Perhaps it was the inky sky decorated by the many points of light, or perhaps it was the gentle sound of the lapping waves? Kristin wasn't quite sure, but she immediately walked to the railing and took a deep breath of the sweet night air and let it out slowly.
Nathan took the place next to her and looked out over the water. "This is better, isn't it?"
She gave a nod. "It's a lovely night."
A comfortable silence fell around them again. Although Kristin found it relaxing, her mind couldn't help but wander. Although she tried to forget for the time being, her thoughts drifted back to what Nathan had said before: that she needed to let others care about her too. Had she not been allowing that? Yes, she knew she'd pushed Nathan away, but what about the others? Had she done the same thing to them?
"Kristin? Did you hear what I said?"
Upon hearing his voice, she turned to him then, the worried look on his face nearly making her heart break. "I…I'm sorry; what was that?"
"You must have been a million miles away. I just wanted to know what you'd like to talk about."
"I suppose I was," she answered quietly. She felt a tremor begin to rise from deep within her bones, which she tried to will away, to no avail. She hoped Nathan hadn't noticed, but she was sure he did. She took a few steps towards the corner for the railing, hoping the darkness would hide her.
"Are you cold?" Nathan moved next to her, placing his hands on her shoulders, which were still shaking. "Kristin?"
She shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I…"
"What's wrong?"
She took a long, ragged breath in an effort to calm herself. She stared out over the dark, undulating water beneath her, afraid to look at the man staring at her intently. "When…when…" Her voice was breathy and hoarse. She cleared her throat and began again, this time a bit slower. "When you said I needed to let others care about me too…" She turned to him then. "Is that what I've been doing…with everyone?"
"Oh, Kristin, when I said that…I didn't mean for you to second-guess yourself like this." He pulled her into his arms. "Besides, I thought you wanted to talk about something happier. We don't need-"
But Kristin placed her hands on his chest and wriggled out of his embrace. "I don't need to be patronized, Nathan. Please, just answer me honestly. I know I've pushed you away." She turned back to the railing, leaning her elbows on the cool metal. "Have I done that to everyone else too?"
Nathan moved to stand next to her, leaning against the railing putting an arm around her shoulders. "I can't really speak for the others," he finally said.
"But surely they must have mentioned…" She let out a sigh. "Please, tell me."
Nathan hesitated. "They didn't exactly say it like that."
"Please?" Her voice trembled slightly. "I need to know."
She heard his relenting sigh. "All right. I suppose the others felt you did the same to them."
"Did…did everyone say that?"
"Most of the senior staff, yes," he replied. "But I don't think-"
She shook her head. "Even Lucas?"
"Kristin, let's not-"
She turned to him, crossing her arms over her chest. "Even Lucas?" she said again.
He gave a nod.
She lowered her gaze. It was worse than she'd expected; she knew the others had a difficult time witnessing what she'd been going through, but she hadn't realized that she had managed to push them away in the process, hurting them even more.
Nathan moved behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "But I'm sure they don't hold it against you. I just… I didn't tell you this to hurt you. I wanted to make you aware of it so you could change the way you were doing things…that is, if you wanted to."
She nodded silently, unsure of what else to say.
"Well, at least you know the problem, but it's easily fixable. You can't keep beating yourself up over this."
She turned to him. "That's easier said than done," she said with a shaky voice. "I don't…" She shook her head. "I'm not even sure how to start."
Nathan sighed and wrapped her in a tight embrace, gently rubbing her back. "Kimberly gave me her mobile number. I think it would help if you spoke with her."
She pulled back to look at him. "Tonight?"
"Whatever you think is best. I'm sure she wouldn't mind." He fished into his pocket and handed her the piece of paper.
She took it from him and stared at it for a moment. Then without a word, she walked through the sliding door, making a bee-line for the vid-phone. She dialed the number and waited nervously. One ring went by and then another. By the third, Kristin was about ready to give up, assuming that perhaps Kimberly wasn't available after all or that she had changed her mind. But then she'd heard her familiar voice on the other end, saw her warm smile on the screen.
"Hello, Kristin. I was expecting your call."
Kristin felt her face go warm, suddenly unsure what exactly she was going to say. "Nathan…he gave me your number. He thought…I thought that perhaps we should talk? That is, if you're not busy. Of course, we could do it another time. I was just hoping…" She absentmindedly wrung her hands together, unsure of what else to say or do.
"Of course I have time. Please don't worry. Would you like to come to me or should I go to you?"
"Um…"
"How about I come to you? That would probably be easier, hm?"
"Oh, thank you," Kristin replied.
"You're very welcome, sweetie. I'll see you soon."
As the screen went blank, Kristin turned back to Nathan, who was standing in the doorway.
He walked towards her and placed his hands on her arms. "That went well, didn't it?"
She nodded. "I'm sorry, but I guess we'll have to cut our evening a little short."
He laughed lightly and placed a kiss to her forehead. "Oh, that's all right. Maybe we can plan something a little later?"
"We'll play it by ear, all right?"
"It's a deal," he told her.
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The two of them cleaned up the little indoor picnic when a knock sounded at the door, making Kristin jump.
Nathan rubbed her back gently. "Easy, easy. It's all right."
"I'm just a little nervous," she told him. "I'm fine."
He nodded and moved to answer the door.
Kristin wasn't quite sure what she had been expecting, but when she saw Kimberly standing there in jeans and a T-shirt with a bag slung over her shoulder, Kristin felt more at ease. For some reason, she'd expected her to be in her lab coat like the first time she'd spoken to her. But seeing her this way made this seem more like a casual meeting between friends. Perhaps that was what she'd intended all along.
She greeted Nathan and stepped inside, walking over to Kristin. She placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm glad you called me. I was hoping you would."
"Well, I…I was hoping you could help me ease my mind about a few things," Kristin replied.
"Of course. I'll do anything I can to help." She glanced around the room. "I thought you had a balcony?"
Kristin raised an eyebrow, wondering why she'd ask such a thing. "It's on Nathan's side."
"Oh, good." She turned to Nathan. "Would you mind if we used your side then? We'll need the balcony."
"Of course, be my guest," Nathan replied. "I'll just watch a little television or something."
"Oh, well, just make yourself at home then," Kristin told him.
"Don't worry, I'll be fine. Just go."
She nodded. "Thank you."
"Anytime. Good luck."
Kristin followed Kimberly through the adjoining door, jumping slightly as the door clicked shut.
Kimberly must have noticed her nervousness because she wrapped her in a hug immediately. "Try not to worry. Everything's going to be fine."
Kristin was somewhat taken aback by the embrace, but she quickly got over it and returned it, needing the comfort. "I'm just…"
"Shh," Kimberly soothed. "No need to explain." She released her and motioned towards the balcony. "Well, why don't we get started?" Kimberly led her through the sliding door and motioned for her to sit down.
Then she set her bag down on the tabletop and began emptying its contents. The first thing she took out was a white candle. "The reason we needed the balcony," she explained, placing it in the middle of the table and lighting it. "Joshua said you respond well to visualization techniques, so I thought we'd try this one."
She then took a metal brazier out of her bag and set it down next to the candle. "Negative emotions, unhappy memories, and guilt have an ability to drain our energy. Such emotions weigh us down and limit us. This exercise will help you purge that pain and guilt. But first, let's talk a bit, okay?"
"Okay…" Kristin said, staring at the candle and the brazier, unsure how that was going to help her.
"The captain told me you're feeling very guilty about everything."
Kristin gave a quiet nod. "I didn't quite realize it, but I feel like I'm responsible for everything that's happened. And the others…" She let out a deep breath. "Apparently, I've pushed them all away without realizing it. I just…I don't know how to even begin to apologize. And even when I do, I don't think it'll make me feel much better."
Kimberly was silent for a moment as she looked thoughtful. "Do you think they've forgiven you?"
"I'm not sure. Nathan said they probably don't hold it against me…but I think I'd feel better if they did."
"You think you deserve some sort of punishment?"
"I feel as though I've done something wrong," she replied. "If one has done something wrong, I feel that he or she should be punished." She paused. "They're the last people I wanted to hurt in all this. I honestly don't know what I think I deserve, but…I think I'd feel better if they did get a little angry with me. I'm angry with me."
"Ah, we're getting somewhere now. Why are you angry with yourself? You haven't done anything wrong…have you?"
"Well, it was my idea to open the chest in the first place. Obviously, I was the one who started all of this."
Kimberly let out a sigh and placed a hand on her trembling shoulder. "No, you didn't start this. Even if you hadn't opened the chest that day, the universe would have found another way. Everything that has happened so far was meant to be, and it's not exactly something you could control. It's not even something Sylvia could control."
"You mean I never had a choice in the matter at all? Now you sound like Jack and Nathan." Kristin shook her head. "I'm not used to feeling so out of control."
"When you were on the George, did you feel guilt after your experience with Lillian?"
Kristin gave a shrug. Of course she didn't, but then, she could never admit to herself it actually happened…at least not for a while. "No, but that wasn't quite the same thing."
Kimberly raised an eyebrow. "You're sure about that? What did Lillian want you to do?"
"Lillian never asked me to do anything for her. I can't even remember what happened, except for what everyone has told me. I can only remember…small glimpses. I remember feeling terribly frightened. And then I felt very cold and weak. I…" Her breath caught in her throat as a lump formed, making her voice quiver. She felt close to tears, though she wasn't quite sure why. "I can't remember any more than that," she finally choked out. "The next thing I knew, I was waking up in Nathan's arms. Apparently, I had fainted due to nitrogen narcosis."
"Or that's what you forced yourself to believe."
"What difference does it make?" Kristin cried, suddenly feeling combative. "Lillian has nothing to do with this, so why does everyone keep bringing her up?" She stood and moved towards the railing, gripping it with both hands until her knuckles turned white. "I…I don't understand how any of this is supposed to help me. Maybe there is no helping me." She buried her face in her hands, wishing the balcony would give way and the world would swallow her whole and take her out of her misery.
It wasn't long before she felt Kimberly's hands rubbing her shoulders gently. "I refuse to believe that," she heard her whisper gently. "I'm sorry if you don't quite understand what Lillian has to do with all this, but she is very important. And I think in the back of your mind, you know that. Because she did ask something of you; it's just that she asked your subconscious mind. She asked you to use your body, and you gave it over willingly. She asked you to help her, and you did."
"I didn't," Kristin replied through sobs. "I never would have agreed to such a thing."
"And then Sylvia asked you the same exact thing," Kimberly continued.
"No," Kristin protested, covering her ears with both hands. "Please, stop."
"And you agreed once again, on a subconscious level." Kimberly paused, gently removed Kristin's hands from her ears, and placed them at her side. She then wrapped her in an embrace, stroking her hair gently. "Kristin, you had no control over this, not on the George and not now. If you had walked away from the chest that day, the universe just would have found another way."
"But…but why…me?" she sobbed into her shoulder.
"Oh, honey…I don't know why you exactly. I know it seems like the world is out to get you sometimes, but it's quite the opposite." She pulled back to look at her, taking a tissue from her bag and dabbing at the fresh tears on Kristin's cheeks. "The reason why isn't because the universe hates you. It's because you have a special gift…several of them actually, or the spirits wouldn't be drawn to you. They'd never ask you for your help otherwise. You helped Lillian, didn't you?"
Kristin nodded, her breath still coming in short, uneven pants.
"And you've helped Sylvia quite a bit already."
Kristin gave another nod. "But…but…"
"And you're going to keep helping her, aren't you? That's what you'd like to do?"
"Yes…" Kristin replied. "But what if I can't…" She shook her head. "I'm not sure I can finish…not…not if I'm like this."
"That's why I'm here. And you're far from alone." Kimberly put an arm around her shoulders. "Go on, take a deep breath. Good. And let it out. Now another."
Kristin continued to breathe in and out on Kimberly's command until she willed her tears away.
"That's it," Kimberly urged. "Everything's fine. We'll get through this."
"I…I'm sorry I yelled before. I-"
Kimberly waved a hand. "Don't worry about it, please. Now, getting back to your friends…do you think they're angry with you?"
Kristin shook her head. "I think they're more hurt and disappointed than anything. I haven't made myself very available to them. I thought…I thought it would be better if they didn't know what was going on, but maybe that was a mistake."
"Well, I can understand why you might have thought that before, but it's not too late, you know."
"But I'm not even sure how to begin," she said with a sigh. "Should I start with an apology?"
Kimberly gave her a gentle smile. "That's something you need to ask yourself. But can I tell you something?"
"All right."
"Joshua introduced me to most of the senior staff earlier this evening. From what I've observed, I certainly don't see them as people to hold a grudge against you. They all had wonderful things to say about you, and I highly doubt they'd think it horrible if you asked them for their forgiveness. If you're feeling the guilt you are, I don't see that as an unreasonable request. And if you heard their forgiveness voiced allowed, would that help you?"
Kristin thought for a moment. "I suppose it would."
"Well, that's what you need to do then."
"But I'm not sure I can-"
Kimberly took a plain, white notebook tablet out of her bag and a pencil and placed it on the table in front of Kristin. "Yes, you can. We'll do it together if you'd like. I won't leave you alone if you don't feel comfortable. But that's something that can wait. First, we're going to get back to our visualization exercise, if you think you're ready."
Kristin's brow furrowed, still somewhat confused at what exactly she was going to do. "I suppose."
"Good. I want you to pick the pencil up, please, and write down everything troubling you right now: all the emotions and the memories that are weighing you down. There's no need to rush. Take your time."
Kristin took a deep breath and slowly picked up the pencil as if it were a dangerous weapon. Then she brought the tip to the paper and slowly began writing. Then as her mind began to open and think of everything that had been worrying her, she began writing faster as she filled a quarter of the page. Then she filled half the page. And by the time she was finished, she'd filled a whole page. She set the pencil down then, reading through everything she'd written down silently.
"Are you finished?"
"I think so," she replied.
"Good. Now I want you to close your eyes and think of the painful words you've just written out. Think of the burden these unhealthy emotions have created for you. Realize that you must release the past, for the past cannot be changed and such useless, guilty emotions only rob you of your power."
Kristin then heard Kimberly whispering gently in her ear. "Let go of the past, Kristin."
"I'm trying," she responded.
"Open your eyes and rip that piece of paper off the tablet," Kimberly instructed. "Then crumple it up and place it in the brazier."
Kristin did so, and before Kimberly told her what to do next, she already knew. She picked up the candle and set the paper to flames.
She then felt Kimberly's arm go around her shoulders. "This is a time for metamorphosis and rebirth for you. That fire is now burning inside of you, and you must not let your guilt and pain extinguish it again. You have to believe you have the power to change things now."
Strange as it was, this simple exercise did indeed help her. Kristin felt invigorated, a new energy coursing through her veins. As the fire began to dim, she wrapped her arms around Kimberly's neck, giving her a grateful hug. "I don't know how I can ever repay you."
Kimberly returned the embrace. "Just keep believing you can overcome this. That'll be thanks enough."
A/N: A bit of explanation is in order. First I must sincerely apologize. I have had so many real life things going on, and that prevented me from updating. There is still more story to go, I promise you. I'm thinking that this will end around chapter sixty, give or take a bit. We are nearing the end, but there are still a few loose ends to tie up.
Also, I had intended for this chapter to be a bit longer, but I thought I had made you wait long enough. Not only that, I'm not really sure if you all enjoy the longer chapters. But the next update will come faster than this one, I assure you.
As always, thank you to everyone who has read, favorited, followed, and reviewed. I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you for staying with me…and if you have the time, I'd love to know what you think. Thank you.
