Finally, Joker confirms to our company that we are twelve hours from Sol. Twelve hours until we find out the truth of what happened as we fled the final battle. Twelve hours until my future is set in stone.
I have not permitted myself to think during our return trip. Tali's progress with EDI is on hold, so we are short-crewed for more than just a commanding officer. As the only other qualified pilot aboard, I have been alternating helm shifts with Joker, keeping us en route as much as possible, shortening our travel time. When I am not in the pilot's seat (EDI's station is sacrosanct) I swing command shifts with Ash to let her sleep, assist Sam with our communications, interrogate Glyph for updates and scraps of gossip, anything to keep me from considering what lies at the end of our journey. Wondering. Waiting. I am exhausted, but the closer we get to Sol, the more painful it is becoming to see and hear Rachel in my mind. I am in conflict with myself, and trying desperately to avoid facing up to my fears.
Joker thwarts my plan to keep up my displacement activity by claiming the helm for the final leg shortly after his announcement. When I try to convince him to take a break, he shakes his head adamantly. "Sorry, Liara, but you're done with the helm. You've been a godsend, but I want to be the one to bring her home."
"Just a few hours, Joker, so you're rested for the final approach."
"No, Liara. I want to do this, and it's my job." He flashes me a rare, sad smile. "I need to be busy as much as you do. Difference is, this is the only thing I can do."
Put like that, I have no argument that can counter him. "I'm sorry, Jeff. I did not mean..."
"Don't sweat it, Doc," he smiles, reaching up to pat the hand I have gripped his shoulder with. "We'll need plenty of eyes and ears on the comms."
"Traynor's got it covered." Ash's voice is decisive, carrying clearly into the cockpit as she strides along the narrow companionway from the CIC. As I turn to face her, she reaches out and grips my shoulders tightly. "Liara, you've done enough. More than enough. You can hardly stand up you're so tired. Tomorrow..." she looks down for a second, then locks her dark, fierce gaze to mine, "whatever happens tomorrow, whatever we find back on Earth, you will need your strength. You need to eat, and rest."
"Do you honestly believe I will be able to sleep, Ash?" I enquire sadly. I'm touched by her concern, but I cannot see myself sleeping through this night.
"Not without assistance," Ash replies. "Which is why Garrus and Tali are waiting to accompany you to dinner, and then they'll make sure you see Dr. Chakwas for something to help you sleep."
"Ash, I..."
"Not listening, Liara," the Spectre cuts me off, firmly but kindly. "You're relieved of duty. Besides, if Shepard sees that I let you get into this state, she'll gut me with a blunt butter knife. I'm supposed to be looking after you." She folds me into a brief hug, then points her thumb back over her shoulder. "Get going, Commander T'Soni. I won't have my XO disobeying me in public."
I manage a smile at that. "You're learning, Ash." I straighten and offer her a mock salute. "You have the deck, Commander."
"The XO stands relieved," Ash completes the cadence with a wink, then shoves me gently to start me walking.
Garrus and Tali succeed in diverting me for a while, and when they finally escort me to Shepard's room via the medbay, Garrus excuses himself as Tali not-so-subtly shoos him away. The quarian comes into the cabin with me, fetching me a glass of water and setting it on the nightstand with the sedative. "I can stay with you, if you like," she offers as I begin to undress. She takes my jacket and hangs it neatly over Shepard's desk chair.
"I'll be fine," I decline with a smile. "I'll take my medicine and go to sleep, I promise."
"I know you will. I'm not leaving till you do," Tali chuckles, "but I'm quite happy to sit with you all night if you need me to. I can't imagine how you must be feeling."
"It's OK, Tali. Once I'm asleep you don't need to stay, but it's sweet of you to offer." I open one of the drawers and fish out one of Shepard's t-shirts, tugging it over my head in deference to Tali's presence, then take my pill and curl up in the bed. Tali drags Shepard's desk chair to the side of the bed and takes my hand as she sits down. "You've been so brave, Liara," the quarian murmurs as she strokes my arm. "It's almost over now. Tomorrow we'll know, once and for all."
"Do you believe, Tali?" I ask drowsily, the sedative Karin has provided already starting its work.
"I do," Tali assures me. "If it was anyone but Shepard I'd say you were crazy, but if she made you a promise, Liara, well, I believe there's no force in the galaxy that could stop her from keeping it." She tilts her head to one side. "And she's ruined things for the rest of us in the process; with that as a benchmark, how is any prospective partner ever going to measure up?"
I manage a faint smile. "But surely Garrus..."
"Oh, Vakarian, pffft. I'm only using him for his body," Tali chuckles, her confident affection for the turian clear in her ability to joke. "But then, if I can't have Shepard, I guess I'll have to manage." She pauses. "I can't, can I?"
"Can't what, Tali?"
"Have Shepard. Are you sure you really want her? You could take Garrus instead, I'm sure he wouldn't mind."
A sleepy laugh bubbles up. "No, Tali, you can't. She's mine. I'm sorry."
"Ah well, I'll just have to make do with the King of the Bottle Shooters then." Tali's voice is becoming distant, and I close my eyes, drifting. Just before I drop off, caught in the riptide of sleep, I feel Tali's hand press gently against my cheek. "Rest easy, Liara," Tali's voice whispers. "Sleep well, and no matter happens, we'll be there for you for as long as you need."
ooooo
However well-intentioned my friends' efforts are, the sedative is too mild, and my subconscious won't permit me true rest. I wake less than four hours later. Tali has gone. Too warm, itchy, unable to find a comfortable spot, I roam Shepard's bed, stripping her t-shirt and kicking sheets off and dragging them back on in what feels like an endless, futile cycle. Eventually I get up and head to the bathroom to splash water on my face, just to break the pattern.
Returning to the bed, I see Rachel waiting for me. "Seems like you could do with some company." She lifts the sheets and I slide in beside her, taking her hand as I pull myself in, face to face. We kiss, and I lift my free hand to stroke her cheek.
"You've been avoiding me," she observes, running her fingers over my temple and back along the ridge of my crest. "Want to tell me why?"
"I'm afraid," I confess quietly.
"Of me?"
"That I'm wrong to have hoped. That we get back, and you really are gone, and this is all I have left."
Rachel presses a kiss to my forehead. "If I really am gone, Liara, then you will have to let me go sometime. But don't be afraid, sweetheart. What's waiting for you is the future. I am your past."
"No. No, I can't accept that. I want you to be my future."
"The future isn't given to us to know, as you so wisely told me." The look in her eyes is kind and understanding, a gentle smile easing my anxiety. "Liara, everything I am is behind you. Now, that's not to say that Rachel Shepard isn't also in your future." She kisses me again, just below my jawline, making me shiver. "But I'm a copy, an echo, an illusion built of memory and grief. And either I remain forever the remembered ideal, or I evaporate in the light of the real thing. But either way, Rachel Shepard will always be with you."
"l love you."
"I know." She rolls over to straddle me, pushing me onto my back as she lowers her mouth to mine. The kiss is ardent, possessive and passionate, and I arch up underneath her, desperately wanting to be touched. She takes my hand, guides my fingers down my body and as we stoke my arousal together, she smiles at me and whispers, "Embrace Eternity," and my world dissolves into the euphoria of our shared soul.
