Chapter 51: Secrets of the Pensieve

The first memory came as no surprise. It was the scene that had taken place in Severus's office a few days before, only this time, Lily wasn't watching through a crack in the wall. She was standing right beside him, seeing it through his eyes instead of her own.

"Legilimens!" he snapped, but she could feel his reluctance, underscored by bitter self-loathing. And then she was sucked into the girl's mind along with him, sensing the gentleness of his touch, noticing the way he shied away from any thoughts that were too personal.

She saw Ginny Weasley eating dinner with her family, laughing with friends as she walked down the halls. Harry made several appearances, smiling at the girl as he threaded his fingers through hers. There was the briefest glimpse of a bedroom, Harry's lips pressed against a naked shoulder, but it was gone in a flash, replaced by an image of Ginny flying through the air at Quidditch practice.

And then abruptly, Severus withdrew, leaving Lily disoriented as she was thrust back into his office.

The rest of the memory was unfamiliar – she'd fled back to their quarters by then, hadn't seen what had happened after Severus's examination. Now she watched him curiously as he lifted his wand, cringing as the girl cried out in fear. But the spells he cast were harmless, a shower of brilliant sparks shooting off in all directions even as his lips twisted into the most menacing snarl she'd ever seen.

Finally, he moved closer, wand mere inches from Ginny's face as he muttered, "Confundo."

His voice lost any hint of malice as he told the girl to forget what had happened, commanding her to act with caution so she wouldn't be caught again. That alone spoke volumes about his true allegiance… he wasn't trying to break Ginny's spirit. He wanted her to fight back, was simply trying to prevent her from suffering as a result of doing so.

Quietly, Lily watched Ginny leave, her attention shifting as the pretty blonde girl named Luna took her place. Luna didn't seem frightened at all, smiling serenely at Severus just before he invaded her mind. Again, he took his time, focusing on harmless memories of the girl bounding through the woods, on the hunt for some magical creature Lily couldn't recall ever reading about in her textbooks.

Following that, Severus began to cast his spells again, while Luna observed him with an expression that could only be described as smug.

"I knew you wouldn't hurt me, Professor."

Severus paused, his surprised expression nearly breaking Lily's heart.

"I'm your headmaster," he said gruffly, lifting his wand again. "Not your professor. Confundo!"

The final student was a boy Lily remembered all too well. Neville Longbottom. Rather than looking frightened as Ginny had or strangely unruffled like Luna, he was openly defiant, refusing to sit until Severus lifted his wand, plopping him down in a chair.

"Do not force me to restrain you, Mr. Longbottom."

"If you think I'm just going to let you…"

"I'm afraid you have no say in the matter."

Withdrawing his wand, Neville rose to his feet, meeting Severus stare for stare.

"A second wand? Nice try, Mr. Longbottom. Now hand it over, or I'll have to take it from you by force."

"Expel…"

"Don't be foolish, boy. Do you really think your pathetic attempts…"

"Expelliarmus!"

Neville was the one who shouted the spell, but somehow, Severus was left holding both wands. He smirked, tucking one in his pocket before pointing the other directly at the boy. Neville dropped back into his chair, thin, snake like ropes coiling around his arms and legs. It was a harsh thing to witness, but under the circumstances, Lily could hardly blame Severus. His frustration was almost palpable, an undercurrent of regret striking her forcefully even as he managed to keep up the act.

"You should be punished for that," he said, his lip curling in a derisive sneer. "Later, perhaps. For now…"

"Greasy bastard. If Dumbledore was here…"

"Silencio!"

Severus was fuming now, pacing around the boy's chair in restless circles as if trying to bring himself under control. But when he stopped, muttering the incantation as he entered Neville's mind, his touch was as gentle as it had been with the girls.

Ten minutes later, he was alone, slumped over at his desk with his head buried in his hands. The memory took her directly into his mind then, leaving her to watch in horror as one by one, he manipulated the events she'd just witnessed. His careful examinations were transformed into brutal invasions, leaving the children whimpering on the floor in the aftermath. Harmless spells became nasty hexes, woven seamlessly with agonized screams he plucked from memories that remained closed off to her.

When he lifted his head again, he released a shaky breath, his expression grim but satisfied.

And then the memory shifted, leaving them standing outside a wrought iron gate, as elegant as the huge, stately house that loomed in the distance. Malfoy Manor. Her stomach twisted in knots as she realized she was about to attend her first Death Eater meeting.

But then Severus hesitated, followed by a swirl of darkness as she felt him drawing her into his mind again. And then she could see nothing but herself, deeply intimate flashes of the two of them making love, feelings of tenderness and joy at war with growing frustration as he struggled to push the images away. He couldn't do it. His heart was beating faster now, breath coming in short, panicked bursts. Pacing back and forth, he muttered a string of curses, only coming to a standstill when his thoughts shifted directions. Something about Occlumency, a last, desperate attempt to redirect his thoughts.

Before she realized what was happening, he began to erase her from his mind, dozens of memories replaced by feelings of bitter remorse, a deep, gut wrenching isolation that nearly brought her to her knees. But then just as quickly, it was over, the scene skipping forward to show him striding into the drawing room.

She felt no emotion from him now, only steady resolve as he greeted the monster who was seated at the head of the table.

Voldemort. Lily tried to tell herself that this was only a memory, that he had no power to hurt her here. But still, she shrunk away, finding him even more grotesque than she had all those years ago in Godric's Hollow. His crimson eyes gleamed in the dim light, staring at Severus so intently it seemed as if they'd pierce him right through.

But if this made Severus uncomfortable, he showed no sign of it, murmuring an apology as he dipped his head in a respectful bow.

"Approach me."

Lily wasn't prepared for the invasion, crying out in shock as Severus brought her into his mind in the very same moment that Voldemort entered. It didn't hurt, but she could feel his pain, a hot, searing sensation that made him grit his teeth as his every thought was scrutinized, a brutal probing that didn't offer a second of relief. And then finally, Voldemort withdrew.

How could Severus be so stoic? How could he stand there like it was no big deal when his mind had just been… well, raped? That was the only word she could think of to describe what had just happened, an awful violation no person should ever have to endure.

She tried not to cry as Voldemort criticized Severus for being too merciful with the students, terrified that his displeasure was about to end in a horrible punishment. Of course, common sense should've told her that wasn't going to happen, that Severus had been fine when he'd returned to her that night. But fear was an irrational thing, tempting her to cast herself between them before she realized that Severus had found a way to redeem himself.

"Where's the Muggle?" Voldemort demanded, admiring the weapon he'd just been given.

Abruptly, the memory was snatched away, dissolving into a swirl of blackness. And then she was back in the drawing room, feeling sick as she realized what must've happened. There was no Muggle in sight, only a large stain on the carpet as Bellatrix Lestrange left the room carrying a bloodied sword.

"Now then, shall we revisit your earlier complaints?"

That was directed at the Carrows, who proceeded to whine about Severus interfering with their punishments. She felt tears rolling down her cheeks when she realized what was happening, afraid Severus was fighting a losing battle as he spoke on behalf of the students. It was a huge risk with little chance of success, but still, he took it, arguing his point so eloquently that even Voldemort seemed to agree.

But in the end, it was only the smallest triumph. Severus had retained the power to spare a few students here and there, but that was to be the exception, not the rule. Voldemort made it clear that he expected Severus to show a lot more brutality, and to make matters worse, the Carrows had been given a free hand. And that explained… well, everything.

"Very well," she heard as the memory faded. "The three of you may go."


Severus watched nervously as Lily lifted her head from the Pensieve, turning to him with a stricken expression. He'd shown her too much, hadn't he? Damn it.

"Sit down," he said quietly, retrieving his memories and placing them back in his head.

She obeyed without question, dropping onto the couch with a soft thud.

"Shall I make you some tea?"

He didn't wait for her to respond, desperate for something useful to do. Retrieving the teapot, he used his wand to fill it with water, tapping on the side and then setting it back down as he waited for it to boil.

"Does he always do that?" she said after a moment, twisting her hands in her lap. "The Legilimency?"

"Yes."

"And is it always that bad?"

He sighed, seeing no point in lying to her. "Sometimes worse."

"Oh, Severus…"

"It's fine, Lily. As I'm sure you noticed, I'm perfectly capable of handling it."

"That's not the point."

"And what," he said, placing a teacup in her hands, "is the point?"

"You shouldn't have to go through that. I wish there was a way…"

"Do you want to win this war? See the Dark Lord defeated?"

"Of course," she said, her voice quiet but fierce. "You know I want that more than anything."

"As do I. But to make that happen, sacrifices must be made. There are things I must do…"

"Like what happened in your office," she interrupted. "You did that to the students because you had to have something to show him?"

He nodded, taking a seat beside her. "I might be a skilled Occlumens, but even I can't spin memories out of thin air. They have to have some basis in truth."

"Well, that explains a lot."

"Meaning?"

She hesitated, taking a sip of tea before setting her cup on the table. "The way you are with people. That's part of it, yes? If you can show him that you're cold, standoffish, sometimes harsh, it must be easier to make him believe you're on his side."

"To a point, yes. But I'd be lying if I said it was all an act. Dealing with people has never been my strong point, Lily. You of all people should know that. And children in particular…"

"What about Harry?"

"What about him?" he responded, shifting uncomfortably.

"The way you've treated him all these years. How much of that had to do with all of this? I mean, would you have been so hard on him if You-Know-Who hadn't been a factor?"

"No," he said, relieved that at least in some ways, he was telling the truth. "If the stakes hadn't been so high, it might've been easier to overlook his reckless behavior. Mind you, I'm not saying I would've counted him among my favorite students, but…"

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?"

"What's going to happen?"

Sighing, he rested his head against the couch. "That, I don't know. At the moment, it appears the boy is still trying to locate the Horcruxes. I don't know where he is, but the fortunate thing is that no one else does either. For once, it seems he's being extremely cautious, which is a good sign. I'd say there's a fair chance he'll be able to avoid confronting the Dark Lord until he's ready to do so."

"I still don't understand why it has to be him. Why can't the Order, or… hell, just put a wand in my hand. I'll do it myself."

He gave her a sharp look, his blood going cold. "You'll do no such thing."

"Why not?"

"Because he'd kill you, Lily."

"But if it meant protecting Harry…"

"No."

"It worked before."

"This is an entirely different situation."

"I don't see how."

"The boy has to be the one to do it, because…" He trailed off, the words choking in his throat. This was the time to tell her. How much longer could he wait? "Because he…"

He couldn't say it. Not with her looking at him like that, her eyes already damp with tears. How could he kill the hope she clung to with such fierce desperation, only to replace it with an incomprehensible amount of sorrow? How could he be sure it wouldn't destroy her, drive her to do something reckless, or…

"Severus?"

"You've already given him your protection," he said quietly. "As it stands now, he's better equipped than any of us to face the Dark Lord. Because of you. Because of the sacrifice you made. And… well, there are other factors, too. The link between their minds, a connection that gives him a power the rest of us will never have. He… he's our best chance, Lily. We have no choice but to accept it."

"What if I can't?" she whispered, staring down at her hands.

How could he respond, when she'd just put voice to his deepest fear?

"I need you to try," he said, the words sounding more strained than he'd intended. "I need you to… have faith."

"Faith in Harry?"

"Well, yes, but also in me. I'm doing my best, Lily, I…"

"I know." She sniffled, flashing him a watery smile. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't… you're already doing so much, and I… it's not fair."

"Not fair to worry about your own son? What kind of foolishness…"

"No! I mean, of course I'm going to worry about Harry. I just feel bad about burdening you with it."

"Ah, I see," he said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. "Because shutting me out is a far more sensible approach. Brooding silently, making both of us miserable in the process. Yes, I can definitely see…"

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Will you shut up?"

He smirked. "Yes, dear."

"Ass."

But then she did something that surprised him, kissing him gently before resting her head on his shoulder. That did wonders to improve his mood, his arm sliding around her and holding her close as he waited patiently for her to continue.

"I'm not saying I should keep it to myself. Obviously, that was a mistake. But you know, it's not easy to talk to you about these things."

"Why not? I deal with the realities of war every day, Lily. Do you really think I can't handle having a conversation about it? That anything you could say could be even half as bad as what I have to take from the Dark Lord, or Dumbledore, or…"

"It isn't just that," she said softly.

"Well, what is it then?"

"Harry."

"Ah." He should've known. "Care to elaborate?"

"I just… it isn't that… well, I'm just not sure how to deal with… damn it."

"Whatever it is, just tell me. I can take it."

She lifted her head, giving him a frustrated look. "I'm trying. Can't you see that?"

"Lily…"

She ignored him, leaning forward to retrieve her wand from the table. He watched in silence as she brought it to her temple, his eyes widening as a handful of silvery strands floated down into the basin.

"Take a look," she said when she was finished, gesturing at the Pensieve.


Immediately, he understood why she'd found it so difficult to explain herself, plunging headfirst into a tangle of conflicted emotions unlike anything he'd ever seen. She'd taken him all the way back to the beginning, an image of her lying in an unfamiliar bed with a newborn child cradled against her breast. Face pale, body trembling with exhaustion, but such exquisite joy in her expression that he felt a lump in his throat.

A sudden shift and the child was a few months old, chubby little fists attempting to capture the colorful sparks that shot out from Lily's wand. Laughing, identical green eyes dancing with delight… the memory faded, replaced by a quick succession of significant moments. Severus saw the baby learning to crawl, then teetering dangerously as he took his first steps. Lily rocking him to sleep, and then leaning over his crib on a different day, her voice breathless with excitement.

"Say it again, Harry. Say it!"

"Lil… Lil…"

"You can do it!"

"Lily."

She scooped him up then, her eyes shining with pride as she kissed the top of his head. "You're supposed to call me 'Mum', you know."

"Lilllly!"

"All right, darling. If you insist."

There was no sign of James in these memories, and gradually, Severus began to understand why. It wasn't only that Lily had wanted to spare him the sight of his former nemesis. She was trying to show him that her relationship with the boy was something completely separate, that this was a bond only the two of them had shared. Foolish, perhaps, but he'd always assumed that love for the child ran in direct relation to love for the father. That theory had certainly explained his own mother's neglect. But if that wasn't the case…

Before he could dwell on that concept, he was plunged into another memory, blood turning to ice as he looked up to see a shadow looming on the wall…

"Not Harry, please no! Take me! Kill me instead!"

He'd suffered through memories of that night countless times, had imagined the rest in a hundred torturous ways. But he'd never seen it through her eyes, dumbfounded by her courage as she refused to cower in the face of death. Not a trace of fear for herself, only for her child…

"Avada Kedavra!"

The memory ended abruptly, sparing him from having to witness the rest. He didn't feel the pain she'd suffered when the curse had hit her, didn't have to watch himself weeping over her broken body. That was a blessing, though he was still shaken by what he'd seen, struggling for composure as the next memory came into focus.

He was in a cupboard, staring down at a baby in a makeshift cradle. The boy slept peacefully, jagged scar standing out in sharp relief on his forehead, thumb tucked into his mouth. And then the blanket began to stir, a tiny rodent poking its head out to nuzzle a chubby cheek. Without thinking, he attempted to swat it away, feeling like a fool as his hand dropped to his side.

And then it hit him, the realization that this was Lily as he felt the onslaught of emotion that seemed to radiate from the creature. Fear, bewilderment, despair, followed by quiet determination. She pulled him deeper into her mind then, keeping him there as the scenes flew past, a harsh picture of what life had been like in the Dursley household. He saw himself showing up on the doorstep, intimidating Petunia with numerous threats, felt the rush of gratitude that had been Lily's reaction.

But in the end, it had accomplished little. The boy had still suffered through years of cruelty and neglect, all while Lily was forced to watch in helpless frustration. Of course, Severus already knew that Potter's childhood hadn't been ideal, but to see it through her eyes, not twisted or minimized by his own biased perceptions…

"Fuck," he muttered, staring down at the boy as he wept quietly into his pillow. He'd taken a beating from his cousin that day, blamed for the incident before he was sent to bed without supper. As if he could afford to miss a meal, skinny limbs protruding from the ill fitting clothes he wore. It wasn't so different than…

An image of himself as a child appeared in Severus's mind, but only briefly as he was snatched into another memory. Hogwarts… a quick jaunt through the halls, followed by a classroom he remembered all too well.

"Harry Potter. Our new celebrity."

She'd been there? Shit.

"Potter! What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

A ridiculous question for a first year. He'd known it even at the time, but had he cared? No, but she had… he could feel her bewilderment, her irritation, her futile hope that he'd ease up on the boy.

"I don't know, sir."

The words were quiet, humble, though this was the first time he'd heard them spoken that way. Where was the hint of arrogance that had been so obvious in that moment, the impression that the boy had been mocking him?

He wasn't given much time to wonder about that, as the next six years played out in quick succession. Back and forth, back and forth… either Lily was seething, wounded by his harsh dealings with the boy, or she was overcome with shame. And then abruptly, he was jerked forward, given a brief, tantalizing glimpse of her lying naked in the tub before she pulled him deeper into his mind, as deep as he could go. Her every thought was laid bare to him now, exposing her worries, her fears, all of which revolved around Harry.

Harry… and himself.

How could she criticize him when he'd done so much to protect her son? That thought dominated her consciousness, clearly an internal battle she'd been waging for quite some time. He felt her confusion, her unresolved anger, crushed by a wave of remorse as she pictured him pacing the halls at night, or bursting into the Shrieking Shack, or… naked and bleeding on a hillside? Fuck, what had Charity told her? Foolish woman.

So this was why she couldn't talk to him? Because she believed she had no right to question his actions? What kind of nonsense was that?

But that wasn't the end of it. Not even close. There were her own insecurities, too, the conviction that she'd failed as a mother somehow. As if throwing herself in front of the Killing Curse hadn't been enough? Apparently not. She was terrified that the boy would hate her, that she could never live up to his expectations. Afraid he'd reject her… what the hell?

And then abruptly, the scene shifted. Severus saw flashes of lovemaking, followed by Lily kissing him goodbye on the night he'd been summoned. He felt a rush of tenderness, of heady anticipation, at war with an onslaught of doubt as she began to question herself. Could Harry ever forgive her for falling in love with the man he'd despised for so many years? Would he ever understand? Could he and Severus learn to accept one another, or would she be forced to choose between them?

"Shit."

How could he have been such an idiot? Refusing to think about the future, determined to focus on the present? That made sense for him… no need to concern himself over the boy's reaction when they'd both be dead soon enough. But Lily? He'd given her no reason to believe his days were numbered, and he certainly hadn't informed her of her son's dismal fate. Of course she'd be worried, fretting over the very things he'd chosen to ignore.

And what reassurance had he'd given her? None.

Granted, he could put an end to it right now. He could tell her the truth, or pluck it from his head and drop it in the Pensieve if he couldn't say the words. Let her see that there was no need to worry about the future, that all they could do was make the most of the time they had left. But if he did that, he'd crush her, casting a dark cloud over all the days to come. And what was the point in telling her now, really? Wouldn't it be better to spare her that grief until there was no other option?

Besides, he didn't want to think about dying. And why should he have to when he already knew what the final outcome would be? Either he'd reveal his true allegiance and the Dark Lord would kill him, or he'd find a way to get a message to the boy with his cover intact. Regardless, he'd be a prime target to one side or the other, a traitorous bastard to be struck down on sight.

If that was the way it had to be, fine. He'd be ready when the time came, would do his best to die with dignity and all that nonsense. But couldn't he forget about the bloody war for a little while? Couldn't he fool himself into believing he had a future with Lily, even if it was a future he was never destined to see?

Well, maybe not. But he was damn sure going to try.

"Clearly," he said, lifting his head from the Pensieve. "We have a lot to talk about."