Chapter 53:

Can't stop thinking about it, lately.

Something official. Some sort of... they must have had that sort of thing here on this planet. Some sort of ceremony for two people who... who wanted...

Doesn't know if that's what she wants though. Worried... worried she wouldn't and...

"You should ask her to be your wife." Raditz says.

Feels himself scowl. Glares up at Raditz. Not Raditz. Not really there. Has to keep reminding himself of that. Knows it's just his own mind. Hallucinating.

"He's right little man. You ain't gonna find another woman like that."

"I know that!" Snaps at them, pacing back and forth, arms folded over his chest.

Does know that. Knows Bulma's it for him. Won't have another woman ever again. Doesn't want one. She was it.

Wants to... wants to ask her. Wants her to be his wife. Only...

Doesn't have anything to offer her. Nothing... nothing to give her a reason to... want to wed him.

Remembers Nappa explaining to him about marriage customs among their people. Been... been too young to know about any of that, before. To learn about it. Been taken from Vegetasai too young and...

Remembers Nappa telling him matches were made in the... in the upper classes. Had told him he... had told him he would have been matched with a girl of noble rank if... if he had been able to remain on his world. That a girl would have been chosen among the nobility for him, and they... they would have wed when he had reached his majority. Told him it would have... would have been the highest honor, for whichever girl was chosen, to be married off to the son of the King... to the Prince of their people... would have been a great honor, Nappa said, and she... she would have become queen one day when... when he assumed the throne finally and... and...

Shakes his head.

None of that mattered now. Hadn't mattered in a long time. Didn't... didn't have any ranking to offer Bulma now. Didn't have any wealth, or property. No political power to offer her. Didn't... couldn't give her anything she... she couldn't have herself... In this... in this world, she was the one with the title and power and money. Knew she was widely known and... knew she held the title of vice president and... and something else. Oversaw the development of all the... all the technology her company created and manufactured and sold.

Wouldn't have any reason to marry him then. Couldn't give her anything. Would probably... would probably tell him no and then...

But they had a child together. A son. Remembers Nappa telling him that was custom too. When two people had a child together outside of wedlock, they were... they were expected to marry. Wasn't... wasn't right to have a child with Bulma and not... not become her husband. Should... had a responsibility towards... both of them...

"Then why don't you ask her, you fucking idiot?!" Nappa growls at him.

Knows why. Knows... Doesn't...

Doesn't want to hear her tell him no. Doesn't... want...

Afraid she'll say no and then... maybe it would mean she never really... never actually lo...

loved him...

Doesn't want to think that. Doesn't want to think that could be real even.

Felt... felt how much she cared about him every... every day. Knew that now. Knew she cared. Knew she loved him. And loved... he loved her. Knows that now too.

Loves her so damn much. Hurts sometimes, thinking about how much... Sometimes... sometimes wishes he... didn't. Felt scared, sometimes. Almost sick with fear that something... something would happen to her, or Trunks. Couldn't stand it, how scared he felt sometimes over it. Thinks, sometimes, it would be better not to love them at... at all...

"So you're scared. So what? What, are you a fuckin' coward now little man? Afraid to ask a woman to be your wife?" Nappa taunts.

"Shut up!" Screams back. Realizes a moment later. Awful fear someone will have seen. Looks around him. Relief when he sees no one. "Fuck..."

Wasn't a fucking coward. No matter what else he was. Wasn't that. Wouldn't ever be...

He would ask her. He would. Even if... even if he didn't have anything to offer... Even if he wasn't... wasn't good enough for her... He would ask.

Maybe she would say yes.

Maybe...

If she didn't... guesses he never deserved her anyway. Already gave him more than he ever, ever deserved.

/

"What's wrong?"

Bulma can't help the question slipping past her lips. It hadn't taken some supreme act of concentration to see that Vegeta had been agitated the moment he'd come into breakfast this morning, his eyes flicking every which way, looking everywhere but at her, fidgeting all over the place, unable to hold still it seemed. He'd barely touched his food, which was a real giveaway that something was up, and his agitation had seemed only to grow more extreme as the morning had worn on.

It has Bulma worried. She'd tried to tell herself it was probably nothing. That Vegeta was just in one of his moods. But no, she'd known quick enough that wasn't the case. Something was making him nervous, and whenever Vegeta was visibly nervous, it usually didn't spell anything good.

He was so prone to depression, and she knows if he was feeling depressed he wouldn't tell her. She would have to pry it out of him and then try to figure out what it was that was making him feel that way, see if there was anything she could do to help him.

It was a process with Vegeta. Maybe it always would be. But she loved him so much, and it didn't matter. It didn't matter how long it took him to really get better, or if he ever got fully better at all. She wasn't going to abandon him.

His quick "nothing" does nothing to assuage her concern, and she tells him so.

"No, Vegeta. Something's wrong, and I want you to tell me what it is. You know you don't have to be afraid of telling me anything. I'm not going to think less of you, whatever it is."

"Nothing... nothing's wrong." He repeats, not looking at her as he says it, and Bulma can feel her patience starting to ware mildly thin. She wishes he wouldn't do this. She'd thought they'd gotten past this, at least a little. That he knew he could trust her not to laugh at him, or criticize him, or whatever. But when he acted like this, it made her think maybe not.

"If nothing's wrong, then why won't you look at me honey?" She asks bluntly, and that gets to him.

He glares up at her, face twisting in anger.

"I'm looking at you now." He hisses, voice low and frustrated.

Bulma feels her own temper flare a moment, forcing it back down. She doesn't want to fight with him. That would only make things worse. Would only cause him to shut her out completely, which was the last thing either of them needed. They'd been doing so good lately too. Hadn't fought in weeks.

"Vegeta, look, I'm just worried about you. You know that. Don't get angry just because I want to know if you're alright or not."

She instantly regrets the last words, even as they're coming out of her mouth. It was just... he could be so frustrating.

"I'm not angry. Stop fucking pestering me!" His voice snaps, rising loud enough to make Bulma flinch back. He stands abruptly, slamming his hands down on the table. "Why does everyone always think there's something... s-something wrong with me!? Fucking damn it!"

"Vegeta, calm down." Bulma starts, standing with him, reaching out a hand. This had gotten out of control fast, and now she knows there's something really serious going on. "Baby, please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply there's anything wrong with you. There isn't. Okay? I'm just scared. Honey, you've been through so much and..."

An angry growl cuts her off, and she watches in dismay as he steps back, away from her, his eyes flashing with anger now. Almost accusatory.

"You don't fucking know what I've been through!" He says. "You don't know anything!"

Bulma's hand falls away, a well of hurt rising up into her chest. Her eyes sting, and with the hurt comes her own anger again. She can't control it this time.

"Okay, fine. Fine Vegeta, if that's the way you feel. Never mind all the fucking time I've spent listening to you talk about your fucked up childhood! All those fucked up stories about what was done to you, or what... what you did! Do you know how hard that is?! Having to listen to such awful stories all the time?! Some of them made me literally sick to my stomach Vegeta. Made me fucking cry for you! And I asked if you were alright anyway, not knowing what other disgusting, fucked up horror show you might tell me about this time, even knowing it would probably make me ill. Never mind that I was trying to... to-to help you, to comfort you and understand you and... and..."

Her voice trails off, her brain kicking into sudden realization of what it is she's saying.

It's his face, she thinks distantly. The look on his face which made her realize.

He looks, for a moment, so nakedly hurt. Looks like a little boy who doesn't understand...

She doesn't understand herself. Doesn't understand what the hell's just come out of her mouth.

"Vegeta, I..." she starts, but he shakes his head, stepping back from her again.

The look of hurt is gone in an instant, replaced by stone.

"Vegeta, please! I'm sorry. I didn't... damn it, I didn't mean any of that! It wasn't what I meant. You have to believe me. Baby, I'm sorry..."

Again he shakes his head, his eyes bright, mouth tight.

"No, it's fine." He says. His voice is odd. It sounds distant. Almost detached. Empty. "Never mind."

"Vegeta..."

"I was going to ask you to marry me." He says, and Bulma feels at once like she can't breathe. "... That's why I was messed up. I thought you wouldn't..."

He shakes his head again.

"Forget it." He says, stepping back again. "Fucking stupid. Forget it."

"Oh gods, Vegeta please! Don't... wait!"

But he's already gone, turning and striding towards the back door of the kitchen. He shoves it open so hard it comes flying off it's hinges, cracking the framing around it, fissuring up the wall. The familiar sound of him taking to the air like a crash in her ears.

Bulma doesn't...

Doesn't understand what's just happened.

What did she...

What did she do?

What the hell did she just do?

/

Can't stop it... can't... fucking... comes up into his throat and just... can't stop it.

Crying... starts crying... feels like drowning, hurts so much... stupid... loud sobbing and can't... can't make it stop. Tries and can't and...

Covers his face in his hands, shame and hate and...

Had made all these... these stupid plans... had... had wanted to ask... ask her... wait for the right time. Knew... knew he shouldn't just blurt it out of no... nowhere. Knew women liked... liked it to seem special and wanted... was gonna ask her to go... go out with him and then ask... ask her when they were out and... Been so stupid and nervous... never asked her out before. Was always her who... who made plans and... been so nervous and couldn't hide it and... trying to work it up to ask and...

Should've known better... should've known...

Hated him. She... she hated him... Told him so, pretty much... Always... must always have had, just... tolerated him... listened to him tell... listened to him tell her about his past probably because... because she was scared of him, like everyone. Like everyone else. Didn't really care. Just scared he'd... he'd lose it... scared he'd kill her, probably. Didn't ever care.

Should've known... was a... a fool... a fool to have thought, and... Made a fool of him. She'd made a fool of him... T... told her all those things... all... all those things about... about himself... Oh, gods... Made him think... made him believe...

Oh... gods it...

Gonna choke to death on the humiliation... Was so stupid... he was so... so stupid and... Why did he have to be so dumb... Why couldn't he be even a little... a little smart... why...

Doesn't want her to hate him. Doesn't... wanted it... wanted it to be real so much... so much, and... thought it was... had thought... had believed...

Hurts so much to think it wasn't... she never... never really...

Fuck... Fuck...

Buzzing rage inside his head and can't... everything burning and filled with hate and wants to kill... wants to fucking kill...

"You should destroy this whole fucking world Vegeta." Nappa tells him, and thinks he's right. Thinks he should just... just blow it all away... turn... turn the whole fucking useless thing to space dust... should...

Bulma would die... Trunks would die...

Doesn't... can't... Doesn't want them to die, even though... even though...

"She fucking hates you man." Raditz tells him. "She basically told you so herself. She doesn't give a shit about you."

Shut up... wants... wants them to shut up... shut the fuck up!

Let's loose a ki blast. Goes right through them. Land beyond explodes, deafening noise of cracking rock and earth, air splits and rushes back against him, sand and dust in his eyes.

High, howling rage in his ears. Knows it's him. Knows he's screaming. Like hearing someone else scream though. Isn't really him at all.

Knees hit the dirt, fists come down on it. Hits it again, and again. Knuckles break apart, blood and stinging pain and doesn't matter. Doesn't care. Has to destroy... has to destroy something... anything... Destroy himself, otherwise. Destroy himself...

Destroy everything...

/

"Oh my! What's going on?! Bulma, dear, did you hear that? It sounded like an explosion."

Bulma rushes past her mother without answering, towards the back of the compound where they kept the aircraft's, her heart racing, beating like thunder in her chest, fear closing her throat. Yes, she'd heard it. She'd seen it too. A flash of light so bright she'd had to turn away for a moment.

She'd been panicking before, knowing she had to go after Vegeta and not having the first clue as to where to find him. That had ceased being a problem with the explosion in the distance. Only now her panic has been replaced by a new sort, her head spinning with terror and regret and a sense of frenzied urgency. She had to find him, had to get to him and... and... fix what she had done. What she had so stupidly, stupidly done.

She doesn't understand why she had said those things. Why she had said what she did to him. Gods, she hadn't meant any of it. She hadn't meant to make it sound like she... like it was some sort of burden on her, to listen to him, to... to give him someone to talk to. She'd just been frustrated, and hurt, because... because he'd said she didn't know anything about what he'd been through and she'd thought...

But no, he was right. She didn't know. She never could. Because she hadn't lived it. Hearing about it wasn't experiencing it. It had been stupid of her to ever think the two things were remotely the same. How she'd begun to... to almost feel like it was some sort of accomplishment on her part, that he'd told her things about himself that he'd never told anyone else. Almost like it was something she could feel arrogant about. She'd begun to take his trust in her for granted.

And then, oh, her poor man... he had... he had only been wanting to ask her...

Gods, she can't even think about it without tears burning her eyes. And she had been badgering him, just assuming there was something wrong again. Assuming there was another problem when... oh, he had just been nervous because he'd wanted to ask her...

What an unbearable fool she was.

"Bulma?!" Her mother cries after her.

"I can't talk now Mom! It's Vegeta!" She calls back without stopping, knowing her mother will understand. What her mother wouldn't understand is what she had done. What she had said to him. It was rare to ever see Mom lose her temper, but Bulma thinks, if anything might do it, it would be her finding out what her idiot daughter had been.

She can only pray she makes it to him on time...

Please, please let her make it to him on time... please, give her another chance to fix this...

/

If Bulma had been fearful of her ability to get close to Vegeta, she thinks, she needn't have worried at all.

She'd thought she would find him in the act of destruction. Had thought waves of his ki would have been shooting from him, making him impossible to approach without risking her own life.

She'd been ready and willing to do just that to get near him... to help him...

Somehow this is worse.

She finds him on his knees, hitting the ground with his balled up fists, even from a distance his knuckles visibly ravaged and bloody and bruised.

He's crying.

Gods, he's...

She can hear him from where she's standing. His horrible, broken sobbing, and she thinks for a moment she's going to die from heartbreak.

She never wanted to hurt him like this. She never, ever wanted to hurt him at all.

Oh, gods, what had she done to him?

She moves towards him slowly, cautious. It makes her feel somehow worse, that she's afraid. Scared he might somehow lash out at her. But she doesn't let that stop her, getting nearer. He must know she's there. He couldn't have missed the sound of the ship landing. But if he does know, he hasn't shown it.

Stepping closer she can see the tears streaming down his dust covered face, cutting tracks down his cheeks, through the dirt which she knows must have come from the shock wave of his energy attack. His features are twisted in wretched pain, his shoulders and chest heaving with his sobs. She's never seen him like this before. Not this extreme, and she feels terrified.

"V-Vegeta..." she calls when she's close enough to almost touch him.

He starts violently, pushing himself up and stumbling away from her, and Bulma realizes somehow he hadn't known she was there. She doesn't know how that's possible, unless he was so overwhelmed by his emotion that he'd become completely oblivious to what was going on around him.

"S-stay away from you me you s-stupid bitch... stay away away from me!" He stammers out, his face turning away from her as he wipes frantically at it, clearly humiliated, embarrassed.

Bulma freezes, holding out her hands. Anyone else calling her that would have had her viciously angry. But she understands. She understands why he said it. She isn't angry. Not at him. Only at herself.

"Okay." She says. "Okay. I deserved that. I'm not coming any closer. Okay? See? I'm standing right here."

He doesn't look at her, still swiping at his face. His breaths are coming sharp and quick, small whimpering noises breaking free from him as he tries in vain to stop crying, only somehow making it worse through trying to repress it.

"It's okay Vegeta. It's okay that you're crying." She says carefully.

As if her words had given it permission, a full and broken sob escapes his throat and he turns entirely from her, burying his face in his hands, a fresh fit of sobs wracking his frame.

Tears well in Bulma's eyes at the sight, and she lets them fall freely.

"Vegeta..." she tries.

"W-why are you... doing this to me?!" He cries suddenly, voice choked with tears. "Why are you t-torturing me...?!"

"Vegeta, baby, I... I'm not. I'm not trying to anyway. Please, you have to believe me. I'm so, so sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Please, what I said wasn't..."

"Y-you lie to me... Don't... d-don't lie to me anymore..."

"I'm not lying to you Vegeta." Bulma says, trying to keep her voice calm. Trying to keep it kind. "I fucked up though. I said some things to you and they... they came out all wrong. You... you can understand that. Can't you? Trying to say something and it doesn't come out the way you want it to, or you just say the wrong thing, and you don't... you don't mean it at all?"

He doesn't answer her. Doesn't look at her, struggling still to stop his sobbing. He paws at his face again and again, the action desperate, almost frenzied, like he doesn't know what's happening, like he's trying to figure out what to do and he can't.

"Vegeta, can I... can I come closer?" Bulma tries, aware she's taking a gamble. He was in such a dire state now, and she knows doing the wrong thing could have devastating consequences. But she can't just leave him there like that, so obviously struggling, so close to having a breakdown.

Again he doesn't answer, and Bulma decides she has to try.

She approaches slowly, her hands held out in front of her, trying to make herself as nonthreatening as possible. If was almost ridiculous. She posed no kind of threat to him. Not physically, anyway. But that isn't what this was about, Bulma knows. She'd hurt him mentally, and emotionally. Those were worse, in a lot of ways. She hadn't understood just how much she could hurt him until now.

"I'm coming closer Vegeta." She says as she moves, keeping her voice soft. "Alright?"

She sees him shake his head violently, his hands reaching up, burying in his hair, tearing at it in what looks like a painful way, and Bulma stops.

"Okay." She says. "It's okay. I stopped. Okay?"

She waits nearly a minute before doing or saying anything else, just watching him for any sign. He keeps standing there, half turned away still, hands ripping at his scalp. His face is screwed up, breathing continuing erratic and too fast. He's trying to get himself under control, but he's having a horrible time of it, she can tell. She has to do something. Has to get to him, to help him, somehow...

When she feels it's safe, she steps closer again, telling him so, and this time he doesn't shake his head no. Gives no outward sign that he wants her to stop. And so gradually she makes her way to him, until she's within his reach.

"Vegeta..." she says his name again softly, and very carefully she reaches out to him, tentatively laying her fingers against his arm. He's trembling, and she can feel him stiffen, but he doesn't pull away, and so she steps nearer still, until she's right beside him. He won't look at her, turning his face away, still the sounds of him vainly trying to repress his crying slipping from his throat, and she can't just stand here anymore.

She puts her arms around him, pulling him against her, squeezing him as tightly as she can.

"I'm sorry." She says, and she can't keep the tears from her own voice. "I'm so sorry Vegeta. I hurt you so much and I didn't... gods, I didn't ever mean to. Please can you forgive me?"

He doesn't move in her hold, his face still turned aside, standing stiff and still, and Bulma presses her face against his shoulder.

"I know you don't feel like you can trust me now. You have... you have every right to feel that way Vegeta. I've got no excuses for what I said. But I never meant... I never meant that talking to you or... or listening to you about your past was any kind of burden on me. It's not. Gods, it never has been. That you ever trusted me enough to... to tell me the things you have only ever made me feel a sense of... of pride. That you felt you could trust me. But I've always just been so afraid that I wouldn't know what to do, or... or what to say to help. That I didn't know enough to help and that I would somehow just end up making it worse for you, which... which I guess I did now, and I can't... I can't explain to you how sorry I am, or how much I wish I could take it all back. I don't want you to be afraid to tell me things now Vegeta. I don't want to lose your trust. I love you so much. I love you."

"... I D-don't... don't know..." he starts finally, his voice stammering and almost too soft to hear, and Bulma almost hates herself for a moment. "don't know what's true, I don't..."

"It's true that I love you Vegeta." Bulma tells him. She pulls back, looking him in the face, even as he won't turn to her still. "You can know that. I'm not lying to you. I swear to you I never will. Vegeta..."

She reaches up finally, putting her hands on his face, turning him to look at her. His eyes are red with tears, the tracks of them stark down his cheeks.

"The answer is yes." She says, and he looks at her like he doesn't understand. "I'll marry you Vegeta. I'll be your wife."