Hello, Time Bomb
Chapter 51
Short Goodbyes
Three
The Normandy was deathly silent.
The only time Kaidan had ever heard it so quiet was after Ash had died, when no one had known what to say or do anymore. Everyone just wrapped themselves up in their duties, the only interaction between them was fleeting eye contact, few words if any. Their own secret funeral spread across days. In those days he'd finally found the courage to tell Ivy how he felt, and his heart had waged a war between sinking low in his gut from the loss of Ash and sticking in his throat with the anxiety that he might have fallen in love with the wrong woman and made everything so much worse for everyone.
This was different. People were doing their duties just as diligently, talking just as sparsely, but the air was charged with tension. They were buried in datapads and equipment because everything had to be perfect, everything had to be ready. This was the big one. They were about to hit Earth.
The war room was silent except for Shepard's low voice, talking to Hackett in the vidcom alcove, occasionally illuminated by visuals flashing up for her inspection. She was standing at ease, her mouth set, shoulders tense, she hated whatever he was telling her, thought it was stupid but was too smart to say anything.
He didn't want her to do this. He'd never wanted anything so badly, so desperately, as he wanted her to find something to do on the other side of the galaxy right now.
The Cerberus base had given him a new respect for her, and a whole new set of fears to go along with it. Watching the logs of her reconstruction, seeing the remains of the proto-Reaper, listening to Jack Harper talk to her; she had suffered enough. She'd seen enough war and blood and loss to last any person a lifetime, and she wasn't just any person.
Sometimes she reminded him of Rahna. Not in the obvious ways. Rahna had been nice, sweet to everyone, always had a kind word to say. She was charming and charismatic. No, Ivy wasn't like that. But they shared that same soft heart, easily bruised and so scared. Sometimes he thought about that day with Vyrnus, what would have happened if he hadn't been there. What happens when a sweet, soft little girl gets hurt, again and again with no one to ever step in and make it stop.
"That's a bad idea, sir," Ivy said, just loud enough that he could hear her. "With all due respect."
In this case, he supposed, that little girl grew up as hard as steel. He didn't want her to need to be that hard anymore. The things this war had brought up were horrifying, every day a new nightmare, but after three years he knew that it took everything Ivy had to get out onto that field, to kill and fight and be under fire.
This would be the last time. He made himself that promise. For better or for worse she was never going to be forced into combat again. If they won, and with her at their head he thought they could, he would do anything he could to take that hit for her, to finally intercede and get the Alliance to back off. She had fought long and hard enough to win herself the freedom to choose.
The vidcom went dark. Ivy's face was frozen in a grimace, one hand on her forehead.
Kaidan walked over to her, catching Garrus' eye on the way. She needed her officers.
"What are our orders, ma'am?" he asked. She turned to face them, straightening up again, falling back into at-ease position. She scanned the war room, making sure that no one was in earshot.
"The Citadel has been moved to Earth. Admiral Hackett intends to use the fleet to give us an opening, we're to report to London where Admiral Anderson will give us further orders for a ground assault."
Kaidan exchanged a glance with Garrus. The turian's mandibles twitched. "A ground assault. On the Citadel. In Reaper controlled territory."
"Yes."
"You hate this plan."
"Yes."
Kaidan shook his head. "What are our orders, ma'am?"
There was no way she was going to follow along with a plan she didn't think would succeed, not with so much at stake.
Shepard raised her chin. "Major, get the ground team and officers into the meeting room, I'll join you soon. Garrus, make sure the ship is prepped to hit Earth."
Kaidan nodded and headed for the meeting room, comming people as he went. He didn't like this. He didn't know what she was planning but he was certain it wouldn't put him at ease. Last time she'd just stolen the Normandy, but that wouldn't be enough this time. If she was planning to subvert Hackett's orders it would have to be something big.
EDI was already waiting in the meeting room, apparently she'd got the message even before he had.
"Do you know what she's up to?" he asked.
"Shepard is currently making contact with multiple Spectres. The Spectre broadcast channel is encrypted, I cannot observe the conversations."
He had EDI on his side, she wanted the best for Ivy. It was a little strange that the ship was also his girlfriend's best friend, but there were days when he was so grateful for it. "Let me know if you get anything else."
"I will, Major."
Liara walked through the door. "What's going on?"
"Shepard is going to brief us."
"Shouldn't she do that at Earth?"
"Commander's orders," Kaidan said with a half shrug.
He folded his arms and waited in silence. By the time Garrus, Vega and Tali had arrived there was still no sign of her. Dr. Chakwas and Engineer Adams came up from below and by that time he was really starting to feel the nerves. It was bad enough that they were about to head into an almost suicidal fight without Shepard keeping them on their toes. He couldn't stop remembering the exploding volcano on Therum, the MAKO flying through the Conduit, her hunting a thresher maw with narrowed eyes and the tip of her tongue between her teeth.
When she finally made her way to the briefing he could see that her skin was grey, all the colour washed out of it. She was still wearing her mask and that made him worry more every day. It made him worry now, when she was about to brief her crew on the most important mission of their lives.
"EDI, please open an audio feed to Joker, I want him present," she said. On EDI's nod of confirmation she continued. "We've been ordered to Earth. Admiral Anderson intends to assault a ground facility in London to gain access to the Citadel. The Normandy is going to report along with the rest of the fleet in defence of the planet and to aid in any possible way the operation to reach the Citadel."
"The Normandy is reporting? But not us?" Garrus asked. His mandibles flared and Kaidan wished he could make that expression, discomfort and consternation summed up in one facial twitch.
"You will be." Ivy clasped her hands behind her back. "Under Major Alenko's command. The Dagnes is on an intercept course, I will be deboarding to join a Spectre infiltration operation."
Kaidan felt the blood drain from his face. He wanted to say something, to object, but he couldn't get any words out. He couldn't tell where she was looking, if she even saw him.
"You're leaving us?" Liara was the first person who managed to speak.
"This mission is active on multiple fronts, I will be part of the same operation but my skills will be put to better use elsewhere."
The room was silent. Not the grieving silent or the waiting silent, the stunned silent. Kaidan could see angry, hurt, irrational words forming in every mouth but no one could say anything. No one could explain to Ivy that this was a betrayal, no one could even begin. It seemed so pointless to appeal to her compassion, to her loyalty, because sometimes when he least expected it she just didn't have any.
It was Joker's voice that broke the silence, coming in through the audio channel. "What the shit, Shepard?"
"Everyone's dismissed," Kaidan said firmly. He was the commanding officer on this boat now, he had the authority.
After a few worried glances people complied. They looked at Shepard as they left, hurt and bewildered, frightened. Liara looked so crushed that he thought she was going to ignore his orders and plead with Shepard to stay. Vega's mouth was set in a hard line, his eyes vacant, like he'd just been dumped by his dream girl.
When they were alone he didn't speak for a long while, trying to sort out the words in his head. He had never been so frustrated, so angry with her. No matter what he knew with his head about how she operated, about her shortcomings and her need for him to understand them, with his heart he knew that she was leaving. Voluntarily. Hell, it had been her idea.
He let out a frustrated growl. "EDI, shut off all audio feeds, activate privacy mode, lock all doors in this room, darken the glass."
He saw the glass walls darken in his peripheral vision. He rested both his hands against the table, looking at the fake wood grain, trying to come up with something other than bilious accusations to spit at her. She wasn't talking, still standing there, at ease, waiting for him. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. He had to hear her out.
"Tell me about the mission," he said quietly.
"I've acquired transport on the Dagnes for myself and six other infiltration specialist Spectres. We intend to take the Conduit to the Citadel and launch a stealth assault on the tower, attempting to override the controls while the ground force keeps the Reapers occupied."
"You have no idea what could be on the Citadel."
"The risk is comparable to a force being sent in from Earth. Transportation is safer."
He clenched his fists, his knuckles pressed hard against the unforgiving surface of the table. "You will be completely cut off. No backup, no retreat. For that matter Ilos isn't even a guarantee, what makes you think the Reapers haven't already shut down the Conduit?"
"If we fail Anderson's initial plan will still be in place. You will take the Citadel from Earth."
"Don't, don't talk like that, don't talk like your life is disposable. Don't..." He looked up, staring into her mask, and suddenly was so angry at her for trying to do this to them. "Take the mask off."
"I don't –"
"Take it off, Ivy!" He slammed his fist against the table, making her jump, and felt instantly sorry for it. It was so damn hard fighting this anger. If it was anyone else in the galaxy trying to do this he would have lost it, but Ivy wasn't doing this on purpose, she didn't understand, he had to fight. "I know why you wear it. I know you look in the mirror and see Lazarus. I know you don't want the rest of us to look at you and see someone else."
She frowned, just enough that he knew he was getting to her. She peeled off her mask. She wouldn't meet his eyes. "This isn't me."
"Yeah, it is. You might not look quite the same but it's you. Whatever Cerberus did to you they brought you back home, this isn't just some temporary field trip back from the dead. You don't have to go rushing back there."
She looked at him with those big eyes, sad and determined. "I'm dead, Kaidan. I was dead before we even started."
"No." It took him two long strides to reach her, he cupped her face in one hand and pushed her hair back from her eyes with the other, their faces just inches apart. She closed her hands around his wrists, anchoring herself. "Don't do this, sweetheart. Just don't. You've gotta fight, you've gotta live. You're home, people love you here, they need you. I love you and need you."
"This is the better plan," she said. "Your name carries as much weight as mine, now. I need you on Earth, I need you to be my ground support."
"This plan could have you die alone on the other side of the galaxy."
"Death is death, the location is irrelevant."
"Not this time." He stroked her temple with his thumb, trying not to hold on too tight, desperate to make her understand. "Ninety-nine times out of a hundred none of us walk away from this. There's every chance we're all going to die and if we have to then we should do it together. We owe each other that much."
"This is the better plan," she said again. "If my dying alone means that my crew doesn't die at all then it's the right choice."
He stared down at her, wishing he had any kind of argument for that. He swallowed thickly, a lump lodged in his throat. "I can't lose you again."
Her brow furrowed in distress, her lips parted. She needed him to understand but this time he wasn't sure that he could. She was trying so hard, he could see it in her face. Trying to reconcile her own stark view of the world with the responsibilities she had toward everyone else who lived in light and colour.
"If there is any way for me to come back to you, you know that I'll find it."
He let out a shaky breath. There was no talking her out of this. "How long do we have?"
"Half an hour, maybe. I need to get suited up. I want... I want..." She released one of his wrists and reached down, taking Hello Bear out of its holster and offering it to him. "I want you to have him."
"No." The word sprung off his lips instinctively, a sudden panic welling up in his chest. "No, no, you're not leaving him behind. You keep him with you."
"Please," she begged. "I don't want him to go missing again."
She couldn't do this. He knew it was irrational, that no pistol could protect her, but he couldn't move past the idea that Bear would keep her alive. Like he had always done.
"Ivy, I know you think I'm being superstitious, but if you don't have Bear with you then I am not going to be able to concentrate down there. If worst comes to worst, I'll find him. I'll find you."
"Then..." She frowned and tucked him back into her pants. She took half a step back, stepping out of his grip, and tugged her dogtags over her head. He didn't object when she put them around his neck. "It's alright if they don't find me. I'd prefer it that way."
He didn't argue. This was her choice. "Before you go you need to talk to your crew. Wish them luck, tell them you'll be fighting for them, thank them for fighting with you."
"I don't see what difference it makes."
"I know you don't. That's why you have me to tell you."
She sucked in a deep breath through her nose and nodded. "So... this is goodbye."
He didn't answer, instead taking her hand, pulling her close and kissing her.
He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her, holding her so close. She held him around the ribs, just like she'd done that first time, trying to fit against him the right way. He fisted a hand in her hair and parted her lips with his own. He needed to leave her with something, needed something from her to tide him over if he never kissed her again.
She whimpered at the back of her throat, her fingers digging into his back as she encouraged him with her lips and tongue. God, he wished he'd told EDI to go to hell that morning, that he'd made love to her and spent these final hours with the taste and smell and feel of her lingering on his body. He crushed her to his chest. Just a few more minutes, he'd give anything for just a few more minutes.
"I'd never forget you," he murmured between kisses. "I've never... regretted this."
She leaned her forehead against his, giving him a long, slow, determined kiss. She pulled back far enough to look at him. "Kaidan... You showed me that life was worth living. You are the most important thing in my life."
He pulled her back to him, holding her against his chest, her head tucking under his chin. She was right. They'd had a good run. Even with everything that had gone down they'd been good for each other, she'd been good for him. No more looking for a way out, she'd shown him that even if he failed it was worth putting all of himself into something. She'd forced him to step up, to be the kind of man he wanted to be. No, he didn't regret this, even if it ended right here.
"I have to go," she said, not moving.
He squeezed her tighter for a long moment. This was it. He took one last long inhale of the smell of her hair, then released her. "Yeah."
She turned away and picked up her mask, tucking it into her belt. "I'll keep in contact with Hammer, we'll talk again in Earth orbit."
"I'll talk to you then, sweetheart."
She made to walk away, but paused in the doorframe, looking back at him for a long moment, her face inscrutable. He held her gaze evenly, memorising every detail of her face. Finally she nodded and walked away, not looking back.
