53. EPILOGUE (ANGELA)

They had been married twelve years now, and although those years had been happy, Angela still woke up and was surprised to see Duran next to her. There was something of the awkward newlyweds about them still.

But she had other worries as well. Twelve years of marriage, and still no heir to the throne of Altena. Goddess, she couldn't believe Carlie had a child before she did.

And Lise now had three with the arrival of Alluma. When his third daughter was born, Hawk joked that it was lucky he had so much experience with women. Anyone but Lise might have been offended, but she laughed right along with him.

What was wrong? What if she and Duran couldn't have children together? She was a queen, and if they could not produce a heir, she knew that would force them to end their marriage, that was the way things were. A lump formed in her throat at the idea. She couldn't imagine being with someone else after all this time. There was too much that bound them together, too many adventures, too many successes, too many freaky monsters and near-death experiences.

Duran wanted a child, she knew that. He had brought it up first, and several times since. But it wouldn't happen. Perhaps her ten-year-old brother Loki would be inheriting Altena as well as Forcena.

She told him at dinner that evening. "I'm going to Wendel," she sprung on him. "I want to ask Carlie about the heir to Altena... err... that is... you know..."

He nodded. Duran was a man of few words, and sometimes she was quite thankful for that. He knew what she was talking about without making her spell out the fear. He wouldn't press her to talk before she was ready.

"When will you leave?" was all he asked.

"Tomorrow."

--

There was something peaceful about being in Wendel again. Normally she would have found it more calming to have Duran with her, but at the moment he would have just been a reminder of the problem she came here to confront. She needed the time alone to compose her thoughts.

As a valued friend of the High Priestess, she stayed in Carlie's personal apartments, upstairs in the Temple of Light. It made her feel somehow part of the Temple itself, even though it wasn't exactly her religion.

For the first couple days they laughed and visited and caught up on each other's lives. Angela remembered how Carlie had really been a kid when they first met her, albeit a tough one. Now, of course, she was a major leader and a mother. And more than that, a friend. She was able to talk to Carlie as an equal now, while little Heath ran around in circles around them on the terrace. Elliott had settled comfortably into his life in Wendel, and even though he and Carlie showed no inclination towards marriage yet, they made an intriguing little family.

It was on the fourth day that Carlie was the one who brought it up.

"So, you want to know why you and Duran haven't had children yet?"

"H... how did you know?" Angela asked. "Did the Goddess tell you?"

"No need to," Carlie responded. "I've been watching you looking at Heath for days. I can see it in your eyes, and hear it when you've been talking about Duran the past few days." She put her hand on Angela's arm gently.

Angela felt the tears starting to spill down her cheeks. "What if we can't?" she stammered. "Not only do I have to worry about producing a heir, but I'm scared I'll lose him as well!"

Carlie smiled sympathetically at Angela. "I think you're ready to talk to the Goddess now."

One of her maids was putting Heath down for his nap in the next room, so Carlie linked her arm with Angela's and began to walk her toward the heart of the temple. Carlie did have a very soothing presence, Angela observed; she had blossomed into her role admirably. It helped soothe her beating heart; she was scared of what she might learn, what the truth might be, and since when were the Goddess-damned halls of the Temple of Light this long?

Finally, they reached the inner sanctum. At this time of evening, when no public audiences were generally held, the room was quiet. The two women knelt in front of the Goddess statue there. The statue was the same, but nevertheless Angela thought she detected some resemblance to the Fairy in the Goddess's face.

Carlie closed her eyes, and a look of peace crossed her face. If Angela hadn't known better, she might have thought Carlie was sleeping, she was so still. For herself, Angela tried to focus, but couldn't seem to get to the same point. Controlling Mana was one thing, she had mastered that long ago; but allowing the Goddess herself to enter you was another skill altogether.

Finally, after an eternity in which Angela could hear nothing but her own heart beating, Carlie spoke, her eyes still closed. "You will not conceive a child with Duran until you surrender to the idea. Right know, you don't really want to, not with your whole heart."

"But how can that be?" Angela wailed. "I married Duran when my mother asked, I take care of my kingdom with him by my side, what more can I do?"

"Sometimes, you must speak with actions, and sometimes you must speak with words." Carlie opened her eyes. "I am sorry, Angela. That is all the Goddess will tell me. The rest, she said, is up to you."

--

Angela was still contemplating the advice she had been given as she arrived in Altena. Damn Goddess, that was just like the Fairy she had known, no straight answers for anything.

Duran was there to greet her when she arrived. "My wife," he greeted her with a smile, and took her hand.

Angela was troubled by the Goddess's words. What actions was she referring to? They had a good marriage, she thought they did everything right. What was she supposed to be doing?

Duran spoke. "It's getting late, Angela. I thought you might like to sleep early tonight, but I set up a special dinner for the two of us tomorrow night, if you're willing."

"That sounds nice," she murmured absentmindedly.

--

Tired or not, she still didn't sleep well, as comforting as it was to be in Duran's arms again. She kept wondering if something missing in their marriage. And if so, what it was.

But morning arrived, and turned into afternoon and then evening. A distracted Angela put on one of her most beautiful dresses in preparation for the dinner she had been promised. Duran arrived at the door to their bedchamber just as she was putting her finishing touches on.

He didn't tell her she looked beautiful. He never had to, because when she looked her best, the way his gaze lingered on her for moments, a combination of desire, and pride, and love, said it all.

He offered his arm to her as they walked down the hall together. She let him lead her, but his pace was unhurried, he matched his steps to hers. When they reached their private dining room, he opened the door for her and motioned to the table with the same flourish he used when showing off in sword work. His knight-trained chivalry did expand to romance rather well; she gasped despite herself, there were candles everywhere and the table was scattered with blue ice-roses, her favorite. Obviously when Duran said "special", he meant it. He had definitely gone out of his way on this one...

And then it hit her.

It wasn't she who needed to speak with actions. It was Duran who was already doing it, every day, showing her he loved her in a hundred different ways. And she realized, with a sinking feeling, that she had not reciprocated anywhere near the same level. She couldn't hope to do all the little things for him that he did for her, and he wouldn't have wanted her too, anyway.

It wasn't them, it was her. How could she have been so selfish? How could she have assumed that just going through their days following the pattern of husband and wife would be enough?

She knew what she had to do.

--

It was late at night, and Angela stared out the window as Duran lay behind her. All through dinner she had been composing herself. She had seen her husband in a new light, and that light still shone, keeping her awake.

Though she had done without Mana for many years, she remembered how she, the Magus, had learned to surrender to gain Mana's strength. The memory gave her encouragement. She turned back to him and, propping herself up on one elbow, whispered in his ear. "Duran, are you awake?"

"Mmmmmmmm," came the answer.

She took a deep breath, and leaned in closer. She didn't want to look at his eyes yet. And she found herself saying something she had never said before.

"Duran, my husband, I don't know how to tell you how I feel about you. You do so many things for me, every single day, that I don't know how to thank you. I wouldn't know what to do without you. I need you, and I love you more than anything, and I... I want to have a child with you."

Finally, she allowed herself to meet his eyes. They were now wide awake, and gazing at her with look of quiet surprise. She could see her own fear reflected there, but it slowly drained as he put his arms around her...

"I love you," was all he needed to say, as he pulled her to him.

--

Angela looked at her new daughter, Fairia. Starting her had been easy enough, but her friends weren't kidding about how much it hurt to get a baby out again. Carlie could commune with the Goddess, or whatever, to relieve the pain, and Lise bore it on her own - some Amazon custom, she supposed - but fortunately Altena had potions and herbs for such situations.

Having her mother there helped, too. Valda, former Queen of Altena, Grand Divina, current Queen of Forcena and Priestess of Mana, was smiling peacefully as she rocked the baby girl. A cough from her own daughter, and she finally relinquished her granddaughter to Angela's arms.

"She's beautiful," observed Duran, just on her right. She really was, Angela agreed, not just with the pride of new parents. She had the fine Altenan features, but her eyes were a deep blue instead of her mother's dark grey, and Duran's dark hair had mixed with her own violet to make a rich burgundy.

She wasn't still entirely comfortable with the concept of children, but this was one she and Duran had created together. Looking up at the baby's father, she knew that finally, they had what they really wanted.