Revolver
Something in me could not just let it go. I thought about it way too much, obsessively in fact. I had even considered taking care of it the only way I knew how--doing in this guy for good. For Marco's well-being.
Maybe I felt like I was making up for all the things I said to him that I couldn't even remember at that party.
'Half cocked and fully loaded'
How could people be so cruel to ruin perfectly innocent kids? I couldn't understand it no matter how much I tried to reason it. Why was I trying to make okay? I was, in any way, trying to defend my father. As unbelievable as it was, I found myself doing it.
"You freak me out when you don't say anything. Say something." Marco demanded, sitting across from me, holding some food in his hand.
"Hey." I whispered, instantly being reminded of the story Marco had revealed to me last night. There were so many layers to it, I didn't understand how Marco could be half as kind as he was. "I've been thinking about what you told me about the priest."
'Not even trying to sugarcoat it.'
"Blu, please. Let's just let it go."
"Don't you want to find out what happened to that sick old man? Don't you want revenge? Do you even care?" I nearly screamed, wanting Marco to stop giving me this plastic-coated version of what he was really feeling.
"Revenge? No. A small part of me wants to know what became of him, but it's not important. You just like to dig up the past over and over again, don't you?"
'You're aimed at me but you're shooting blanks.'
"I knew you'd want to know." I snatched up the directions I found on the internet that week we'd been fighting.
"What's this?" Marco asked as I handed him the papers.
'And it doesn't hurt.'
"Directions to the old man. It was almost impossible to find him, but I did my homework." I answered as Marco handed the papers back to me. "You want closure, but you shouldn't go there alone. I'll go with you."
"You can do whatever you want, but I'm not going."
"Paige." Dylan called, interrupting the cheer routine I had going. We all did this thing where we visualized ourselves looking flawless, which wasn't hard for me, in hopes that we would be perfect competition day. It was that whole 'the power of the mind' thing or something.
"What do you want Dylan? I was getting into it." I fussed as he shrugged.
"Fine. Then, I won't tell you about the mysterious phone call you missed."
"Then don't." I shrugged, closing my eyes again. Normally, I would just look on caller id, but my life had been far from normal this past year and a half. It had gotten just plain melodramatic.
'Thanks but no thanks.'
"What was it?" I yelled after him, still sprawled across my bed, pretending I didn't care so much.
"It was something serious."
"Okay ... are you going to tell me or not?" I wondered.
"They're having the repeal case for Matt on Friday--tomorrow." Dylan answered.
"And I seriously doubted that anyone called to tell me that." I muttered, throwing a pillow at my brother. "Thanks for nothing!"
"Wait. Don't you think you should go, you know to make sure he doesn't get a lighter sentence?" Dylan probed as I pushed him out of my room, closing the door on his face. For a second there I thought he was going to say I should go to 'save him.'
But then again, maybe that was the side of me that knew it was the right thing to do. I shook my head. No way was I going to ruin everything I had worked for. Not only would my 'confession' make headlines, but Banting would probably reevaluate their decision to accept me AGAIN.
My future would be destroyed. And our huge competition was tomorrow. Hazel and I worked our butts off to perfect that routine. No way.
Who cared about Matt anyway? If he hadn't fallen in love with me, none of this would've happened. Everyone keeps telling me that he's the adult and I'm not to blame. Maybe they're right.
"I am so completely worn out!" I yelled to no one in particular. All I knew was that I had to get out. Marissa was driving her nuts with all the crying and Craig was pushing the happily ever after family a little too much for me.
Sure, it was a Thursday afternoon and I would have to be back there unfortunately within a few hours, but she still crossed in front of the steps of Degrassi.
"Hey, you found my spot!" Jimmy yelled from the steps.
"What are you doing without your chair or your cane?" I asked flipping my hair behind me. "Long time, no see." I added sitting next to him.
"I don't need them anymore that you do. I'm a man." He joked.
"Really? I hadn't noticed." I kidded back. "But seriously, I haven't seen you in forever. What the hell is up with you man?"
"Nothing much."
"Trying to keep Fareeza on a short leash? She's completely a bombshell now. What did you say to get her to show so much skin? I feel conservative standing next to her now," I said tilting my head to the side and still smiling. Seeing Jimmy again was awesome.
"I'm kinda disappointed in her actually. After her cousin was shot, she flipped out. I guess this is her way of handling it, but all she's doing is pushing me away. That Heather Sinclair does not like me."
"Maybe it's because she feels guilty. If Heather hadn't been kissing the world, and gotten mono, you and Rick would've been in different hemispheres. She would've been on the team. Heather should've been the one who got shot. She's such a phony." I leaned fowards, placing my elbows on my knees. "So, what are you going to do about the change?"
'But it's a matter of time.'
"Deal with it. Maybe we won't make it through graduation or even another week. I never know with her." Jimmy sighed sadly.
"You'll have me ... at least until graduation." I smiled giving him a hug. "And we so all need to hang out again." I sighed, "And we'll probably should bring along the bombshell and Craig.
"Don't you remember the last time we were all together? Fareeza wanted to kill me Craig was so desperate to get in your pants."
"No he wasn't. He was apologizing and trying to ..." My voice trailed off. "get in my pants." I admitted. "Do you think we'll make it? Me and Craig? I used to think so, but Marissa is making it impossible to have any peace. It's nothing like I imagined. I lost my father for this and my mom won't even talk to me."
"Why do you come to me for all the hard questions? I have no idea, but I'm starving. Let's go somewhere." He suggested.
"The Dot, for old times sake." I demanded standing up immediately. See, that walk was a gorgeous idea.
"You're starting to freak me out. Where are we going?" I asked.
"It's a surprise." Blu smiled back.
"It better be good." I responded as we stopped at a nursing home. "We're reading to old people now?"
"Come on." She yanked me out of the car. I followed her into the building as she moved quickly and even knew the way. "Do you want to go first or should I do the honors?"
I shrugged. "Who are we seeing? Did you get your dad put in here?" I joked until I came face to face with the last person I'd ever thought I'd see again. It was James or 'the priest,' what Blu knew him by.
'Till you get yours and I get mine.'
"Talk to him." Blu urged as I glared at her.
"How could you do this? I want to leave this part of my past in the past. Why?"
"Yeah, why'd you do it old man? How could you hurt Marco like that?" Blu walked over to his side as a frail old man looked up at her. He looked confused, senile, alone ... it was enough to make Marco pity him.
"Don't do it Blu."
'It might not be me.'
"Are you out of your mind. Here's your chance. You can get your revenge. Tell him what he did was wrong. Just tell him--"
"No. I can't do anything, especially not with you here. What would I look like preying on a man who's on his death bed. They should have him in a hospice. This is awful." I sighed. As much as I hated him and wanted some kind of solace for what was done to me, this wasn't the way to do it.
"Marco. This is your last chance." Blu pushed.
"This isn't my decision to make. As much as I want ... I can't do it this way. Can you just give me a minute?"
'But you're gonna answer to somebody. Revolver.'
I let out a huge sigh. Competition was over. All we had to do now was wait for the results. I was sure we had it. We were going to win. We had to.
"Ladies and gentlemen we have ... a tie." I gasped. That was worst than coming in dead last. The announcer continued. "Now since we have just one trophy to give, each team will have a chance to perform their choreography again and present something new."
'You've got one foot in your mouth.'
"No way!" Hazel yelled as I gave her a look.
"Perfection, remember?" I continued smiling although I wanted to go up there and punch every one of those judges. Tie my ass. We worked so hard and for nothing. I looked at the clock. It was almost 6 ... Matt's case was starting at six.
'And one foot in the grave.'
"What are you looking at Paige? We have to come up with something. This is the last year we'll ever be in this competition." Hazel explained. I as nodded. Focus. I needed focus.
"Okay, do you remember that super-difficult routine we started, but never because--"
"Heather Sinclair quit the squad." Hazel finished for me. "I remember, but what about the other girls. A lot of them are new and--"
"You'll get it together." I smiled, picking up my cheer bag.
"Me? What about you?" Hazel asked as I put it down. She needed me. Matt needed me. It was time to do something for me. I was going to win this competition for my squad.
"Who's there? Will, is that you?" My father asked as I walked closer and closer to his room. The house was exactly the same, even if they had changed the locks on me. I knew 'Will' would be good for something ... and the best part was that he didn't even know he had helped me out. In fact, no one knew I was here.
"Actually, it's me." I whispered, stepping into the light.
"Rachel? How did you get in here? Don't you know it's not safe--"
'You're digging a hole.'
"Listen up. I want answers ... the answers you never gave me that night." I demanded, keeping myself as icy and cool as possible. The less I let my emotions get the me, the better chance I would have at keeping things under control. Last time I lost it and I almost killed him. This time I wasn't here for revenge. I wanted answers.
"Rachel. I don't know what you're talking about."
"Why do you keep playing this dumb dad role? It doesn't work. Fess up to what you did and this will all be over. We'll never have to see each other again." I promised, touching my back pocket to make sure that it was there ... it was ... the pocket knife Spinner kept with him, just in case.
'And now you're digging a cave.'
"Is it too late to say something?" Against my selfish nature I found myself at Matt's re-trial. The results of the competition were up in the air, but I couldn't concentrate thinking about how much Matt hated me, or would hate me if I didn't help him.
'But it's not gonna be so funny anymore.'
Everyone turned around to look at me. No pressure. No pressure.
"I have something to say." I repeated. "Matthew Oleander is guilty of only one thing and that's falling in love with a student." I sighed.
Matt looked at me confidently, encouraging me to continue. "He never ... raped me. I-I was mistaken." A huge gasp went throughout the room.
"The truth is I was confused. I was drunk that night and rumors were going around that he did ... rape me, but that whole night is fuzzy to me." I admitted. "There's only been one person who's raped me and it would be wrong for me let you prosecute this man, this innocent man."
'By the time you wake up sobered up and sore.'
"I remember the first time Craig and I went on a date. It was awful." Manny began.
"Yeah, I heard this one. You talked about horsey horse and piggy pig didn't you?" I joked as she hit me playfully.
"I did not! Is that what Craig said?"
"Yeah. He said you reminded him of Angie." I explained.
"I hope he still doesn't feel that way. It would be really sick to think of him having a baby with his younger sister!" She exclaimed as my phone sounded. Goapele's 'Closer' started playing. It was Fareeza.
"Sup?"
"I have to ask you for a really big favor baby." Fareeza yelled over the other line. There was a lot of noise in the background.
"You're not standing me up again, are you?" I asked worried about this being the end of us.
"No, but I do need to borrow your house."
"Borrow my house Fareeza? Who does that? What the hell does that mean anyway?"
"We're throwing a party. I know you're not allowed to have them, but Heather has to cancel and it's going to be huge. People from all over will be there and your house is the only other place that it huge enough for it." She begged.
"And what do I get out of it."
"I love you?" She asked unsurely.
"The more you say it like that, the less I believe you." I answered.
"Believe it and please do this for me." Fareeza begged again.
"Okay but--"
"Thanks honey. Smooches. Gotta go!" She hung up before I could finish.
"Good news or bad news? I can't tell by your expression." Manny wondered.
"Looks like there's a party at my place."
"Count me in."
'But it's a matter of time 'til you get yours and I get mine.'
Flames engulfed the house. What had I done? What was I doing was the real question. My dad never admitted to me what he did, but we did argue. I did hurt him. I took Spinner's knife to him and... the only way to make sure that I wouldn't end up imprisoned.
Liberation swelled up inside of me. I was finally free of it all. There was nothing holding me back, but I would forever be haunted by my unanswered questions to my father.
It was surreal just sitting down and watching the flames, but I found myself just observing, like a couch potato obsessed with a new-found television show. My entire life went with those flames, not just my father.
'It might not be me.'
As the blue-orange flames rose higher and higher I knew what the outcome would be. I couldn't stop the destruction if I tried. It was like a fight between the smallest yet most determined of men against a barge-like formidable and powerful enemy. The fire would win.
I had triumphed over my father. At least now, I'd have peace. Matt and I could finally have peace as siblings. He would never hurt me. I wouldn't be so afraid anymore. I smiled.
'But you're gonna answer to somebody. Revovler.'
As sick as it was to feel this good after killing my own father, I still couldn't help it. I wasn't without battle wounds either. Quickly, I realized that the fire would keep coming toward me. Someone would be bound to see the dancing red color, and then they'd see me watching it.
Hopping up, I grabbed the bag I had come with, remembering the last words my father said to me as his hands neared my throat. 'I love you.' Yeah, right. That pocket knife sure was handy.
'Revolver.'
(A/N: I have three or four more chapters until this is done so stay with me and review. Thanks! -NL)
