Chapter 46: Admissions & Goodbyes
*Tobias POV*
The moment Tris slams my front door shut I feel my stomach drop. She left. I can't believe she actually left. I told her I am falling in love with her...and she left. Maybe she didn't hear me. It is possible she was so upset that she was too distracted to hear me?
I doubt it.
I think she was furious with me. I sit down on the floor of my apartment and lean back against my front door. I am not angry with her, I saw the hurt in her eyes. I am heartbroken.
She was in pain. In that moment, more than anything I wanted to hold her, to love her, to make her feel safe. But she looked at me like…like I was not enough. Even worse, as though I was the worst person on the planet.
We were fine, God…we were better than fine. We were amazing. The connection between us was so strong.
I shouldn't have pushed her about the tank top and her scars. I just wanted to show her how much she meant to me. I wanted her to know that I think she is perfect, exactly the way she is. All I said was the word 'beautiful'. I cringe, remembering I also pushed up her shirt and kissed her wound, after she specifically told me not to. I didn't respect her boundaries. This is my fault.
I did that without her consent. She told me she wanted to keep her shirt on and I pushed her too far. Damn it! I did this. This is my fault. I screwed this up. I hurt the one person who means more to me than anything. I am ashamed. Tears blur my eyes; I quickly blink them away.
I go over the moment in my mind. I moved slowly and I did look at her to wait for her reaction, I had interpreted the look on her face and in her eyes as an OK. I obviously got that wrong. Tris Prior is the last person on this earth I ever want to hurt, and now I have done just that.
I don't know what is wrong with me. What I do know – memories or no memories, I only truly feel alive and whole when I am with Tris.. She wakes me up. She pushes me. She makes me smile more than anyone else ever has, or ever could. She is who I need to be with. No matter what, I am not going to give up on her- on us.
I don't give a damn about Luke, or Nita, or research or whatever the hell else is out there. I love her and I am going to fight for her.
I hurry to take my shower. Having worked the night shift is starting to take its toll on me. Being on zero sleep, I need to wake up and get moving. I plug in my electric razor into the outlet near the mirror. Making sure to not miss a spot while I examine my face in the mirror, the doubt creeps in. I look at myself in the mirror as I slowly lean forward to examine my eyes.
Tris doesn't love me. I drop my razor in the sink. She said it herself the last time we fought. Or, I should say, the last time I treated her like shit, and she finally pushed back.
"As far as I am concerned, the man I loved died when he was weak and pathetic and threw away who he was."
I cringe remembering her words. She was so cold, so done.
No.
I won't accept that. Even if I am not Four/Tobias Eaton, I can still be a man worth loving.
I need to find her.
+o+ooo+o+
I run to Tris's apartment first, hoping to catch her there. I knock on the door for a few minutes. I realize it is very likely that she may be inside but refusing to talk to me.
I loudly try to project my voice into her apartment, "Tris! Please open the door. I need to talk to you, please. I love you. I know I have made so many mistakes - -"
Suddenly the door across the hall flings open. There is an entire family poking their head out and looking at me curiously. Actually the mom and kids look amused. The dad is scowling at me.
"Um hi." I say. The kids start giggling as I am the funniest thing they have ever seen. The mom smiles, she probably thought my declaration of love was sweet. The dad is still scowling.
"Do you need to be so loud? What are you doing?" the man finally says.
"Yeah. Sorry about that. I am desperate here. My girlfriend…wait, no. I don't know why I just said that. She is not my girlfriend. Well not yet. I hope she will be my girlfriend." I babble.
"Are you talking about Tris Prior?" the woman says, her eyes open wide.
"Yes, she lives right here." I point to the door across from them.
"One moment. Don't go anywhere," the husband says, closing the door on me. Before the door closes I hear the couple start arguing softly.
A few moments later the door opens again. The husband is frowning, the wife looks pleased with herself.
"We only know because we overheard the courier deliver her tickets yesterday, she had to sign for her package. We happened to be in the hallway. But clear as day – she mentioned the tickets she needed for her trip to Providence that is today," the wife spilled. I can see her husband rolling his eyes behind her. He mumbles something about sticking their noses in other people's business.
My mouth hangs open. I need to find her before she leaves on her trip. This needs to be resolved today. I thank them and run off. I need to get to the transport bay. I can only assume she is there. If she isn't then I can go look for her in the lab. Maybe she is getting her work files ready, I assume this is going to be a work trip.
+o+ooo+o+
I am running through the Atrium, which is very crowded. It is the early lunch commute. So many people in the halls, many sitting in different parts of the atrium enjoying their meals. There also seems to be some kind of career fair happening along the perimeter of the atrium, there are so many people.
For a moment an odd feeling comes over me, I feel like I have so many people crowded around me. I pause, and I realize that I am feeling claustrophobic. I hate this shit. I need to stop and control my breathing for a moment. I close my eyes.
In and out. In and out. In and out. I finally am able to release the air and the tension in my shoulders.
I open my eyes and see Nita standing in front of me, looking concerned. "Tobias! Are you ok?" she asks. Her eyes are wide. I imagine I must look ridiculous standing in the middle of the crowded Atrium while practicing my breathing exercises.
Then I notice she is standing in front of me. I look around; there is no wheelchair in sight. She notices my gaze and smiles at me.
"I haven't seen you in a couple of days- I have been wanting to tell you. I have been able to walk around without the chair! It is amazing Tobias. I am so happy!" she says cheerfully.
I smile at her and nod. Of course I am happy for her. Before I can open my mouth to congratulate her and then excuse myself, Nita speaks.
"Tobias, we need to get you into the lab. You are overdue for the data we need to gather for the trial. It is vital. We can get this over with quickly, let's go now," she prompts me.
For some reason the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I can't pinpoint it.
"Not now Nita, I need to go." I say as I start to back away from her.
Suddenly her hand is grabbing onto my wrist. She looks frantic for a moment. I pause to see what is wrong with her.
"I was hoping we could have this conversation somewhere more private, but I just can't wait any longer." Nita pauses. "I am in love with you, Tobias."
My brows furrow, as I am not sure what to say- or more accurately, I'm not sure of the best way to let her down. I know that even if Tris did not exist – I would still not have feelings for Nita. It is not going to happen, ever. "Look, Nita…" I start.
"Wait! Please, let me say this. For the longest time, I have loved you. But I felt I didn't deserve you because I was stuck in that damn chair. It was my hang up, not because of anything that you ever did or said. But now, I feel whole! This entire time I have been thinking about you Tobias- us, I have been thinking of us," she cries. "You have been my motivation for getting better- my motivation to be able to walk again."
My mouth hangs open. I genuinely feel so sad for her. I have to be honest with her and I need to do it now. I also need to get moving, I have got to find Tris before she leaves on her trip. I breathe in before starting.
"Nita… there is no easy way for me to say this. The truth is, I am just not in love with you, and I know I never will be. I don't see you in that way," I say softly. I am trying not to be cruel, but at this point with Nita and her antics, I know I need to be firm. I am not wavering on this subject. I know how I feel.
She frowns. "If you would just give us a chance….we could just try a date."
I shake my head. She is not getting it.
"Nita, I am in love with Tris Prior," I blurt out. A frown instantly on her face.
"What? Are you telling me you got your memories back!" she says loudly. A slight shrill to her voice.
"No, not at all. I am telling you that even without my memories…I love her. I have fallen in love with her. I can't explain it, but I just know that she is the one for me," I try to explain to her. It is not my intention to be cruel, but I feel like she needs to hear this.
While I am speaking, Nita is not meeting my eyes; instead, she is gazing off to the right of me. She is frowning and her eyes narrow. I instinctively start to turn my head to see what she is looking at when she suddenly gasps and lets out a strangled little cry, immediately pulling my attention back to her – I was not expecting a large scene in the middle of the Atrium. During a crowded career fair to boot. Fantastic.
Nita's eyes fill with tears, but she nods her head, as though she is accepting how I feel about her. I feel a pang in my chest. It is not my intention to be cruel to her. I pity her.
She asks me if she can have a hug. A goodbye-hug. I nod my head yes and she pulls me in with her arms. She is looking behind me and she suddenly whispers in my ear, "this is so sweet of you, Tobias."
Suddenly her lips are on mine and she is holding the back of my head with one hand while her other head goes straight to my butt and squeezes it. As my arms were already around her for the hug it takes me a moment to move my hands to her upper arms in order to push her away from me.
When I am finally able to detangle myself from her and am shocked to see that Nita is smiling at me triumphantly. A chill goes down my spine. Is she losing her damn mind?
She nods her head over my right shoulder, I turn to follow her gaze. Across the atrium I spot Tris, watching us intently. I immediately feel sick. She just saw us kissing, and probably Nita's hand on my butt.
Tris looks horrified and angry at the same time. As our eyes meet, she just nods her head from side to side and frowns at me. I feel shame course through my body. Of course I know that I was not kissing Nita by choice, especially after the morning Tris and I just shared, but I doubt she realizes that. Things are suddenly so complicated. Tris readjusts her backpack and begins quickly walking away without a second glance toward me. I know she is headed to the transport bay. I need to get to her first.
Nita's laughter catches my attention, how have never seen what an awful person she is? Conversations with both Zeke and Tris flash through my mind. They have been warning me all along, and I didn't listen to them. I didn't listen to the people who love me the most.
As I turn to look at Nita, who is still laughing, a memory flashes through my mind.
+o+++o+ Flashback +o+++o+
I am laying down on a couch, the room around me is dark. I feel someone laying on top of me and slowly kissing my neck and soft hands are rubbing my chest. For moment I think it is Tris and my heart fills with love and great relief. And then I remember that she is dead and a chill goes through me. I instantly jump off while pushing the mystery woman off of me. I am now staring into Nita's face.
"Let me help you, Four. You can forget the pain. We can replace it with this," Nita seductively coos as her hand touches my knee and starts moving upward. I am disgusted and enraged that she is here, in this room that belongs to me and to Tris.
"Go to hell Nita, I will never want you," I snap.
Nita laughs at me, and starts pulling something out from behind her back, "Fine, then. We will do this the hard way."
+o+++o+ Flashback end +o+++o+
I gasp and push Nita away from me. She sees the recognition in my face and her smile falters.
"You stay the hell away from me!" I snap at her. She frowns but says nothing. I turn and run in the direction I saw Tris heading. I have got to get her to understand this mess. She and I belong together.
+o+ooo+o+
I chase Tris, and I make a huge scene as I do it. I am yelling for people to get out of my way. I am screaming that it is an emergency. Unless a small child or someone very elderly, I resort to just shoving people who don't move quickly enough. I need to get to Tris.
The look on her face when she saw me kissing Nita sends chills down my spine. I can only imagine after having me in her arms just hours ago, in my bed, what it would feel like to see me kissing another woman. Had the roles been reversed and I walked in on her kissing Luke Clark, I think I would have flown into a jealous rage.
I think back to her admission that she has never kissed him on the lips. I am so stupid, of course she cares about him, he was badly injured as we finally escaped Dauntless. I just assumed she kissed him passionately. I also assumed that they were going to make up as lovers. But maybe I had it all wrong? Maybe it was more of a friendly kiss. Right after, she did hug me and plead with me to return with them to the Bureau. I am glad I stayed as the team needed my help, especially as their numbers were low, but I should have given her more credit. I just assumed that she would want Luke over me.
I clear my head, I need to worry about the present. I need to find her.
I finally reach the security checkpoint. All around me, families and friends are saying goodbyes. You can only pass through the gate if you have a ticket and matching identification. I see Tris is towards the front of the line.
"Tris, wait!" I scream her name. I see her back stiffen and then she turns to look in my direction. She is scowling at me. She nods her head as if to dismiss me and then turns forward. Does she think I am just going to go away?
The people in line around her are eyeing me curiously. I apologize to them as I push my way forward. I am desperate at this point, so much that I tell people that I love the woman at the front of the line, and if she gets on that transport, I may lose her forever. People just smile and move out of my way.
As she hears me approaching she finally turns around. She just looks tired now, and maybe a little sad.
"Tris, please. You can't leave for this trip before we talk. What I have to say can't wait!" I am practically begging at this point.
She bites her lip and sighs. "I need you to stop doing this to me. Please, Tobias."
There are still a small handful of people standing in between us, everyone is silent and staring back and forth between us.
"I love you, Tris. Please. Don't push me away," I whisper.
There is a couple standing between us, they are holding hands and the look like they could be old enough to be our parents. The woman speaks up first. "Everyone, why don't we let the young woman step out of line so they can talk. And if she is going to still make the trip, we will let her move back to the front of the line?" People in line nod their heads in agreement. The husband adds, "Let's give this young man some privacy to make his case." He smiles at me warmly.
The woman encourages Tris to hear me out, that way she will never have regrets. Tris thinks for a moment and nods her head in agreement. She grabs her bag and walks past me without saying a word. I follow her.
The moment we have a little bit of privacy I pull Tris into my arms and hold her. My heart immediately races at the contact. I love her so much- the way she feels in my arms, the sweet smell that only belongs to her. I gently rub her arms and then hold her tighter to me.
I then realize that she is stiff as a board and seems to just be tolerating the contact. I blink back tears. I pull her away from me and cradle her face. She is biting her lower lip and frowning at me.
"Tris…" I plead, my voice thick with emotion.
She takes in a deep breath. "I am only standing here with you because you put me in a tough position in front of all of those people. I need you to stop this crap, Tobias. I have had enough. I told you, I am done with this."
"I love you, Tris," I whisper.
I feel her stiffen even more and she frowns. My heart aches. Does she not believe me or does she actually not care?
Then she smiles at me. And she nods her head. She gently wraps her arms around my neck. She leans towards me and I lean down – our foreheads meet as her eyes are looking at my lips. My pulse quickens at the contact.
"Oh, Tobias. You loved me a few minutes ago when I saw you kissing Nita, while she had her hand on your ass? Just like you loved me this morning when you enjoyed my lips all over you?" she says quietly, her voice emotionless.
I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me. She still has her arms around me, holding me close, but there is nothing warm about the way she is holding me. She is making a point. I can only assume her point is to show me how fake someone can be. I assume, which is what she thinks I am.
She clears her throat and gently pulls away from me. Tears fill my eyes.
"On my life, Nita surprise kissed me. She had just told me that she loved me. I turned her down flat, she only wanted a hug goodbye. She kissed me! I swear!" I desperately try to explain.
Tris is listening to me, but I just see a coldness in her face. She hears me, but she just shrugs. "I don't even care about Nita, not any more. Don't get me wrong, when I saw you earlier, I was disgusted that you would do that so soon after we… Anyway, the bottom line is, there is no us. You are free to do whatever you want. I don't care. Not anymore."
"I don't believe you. I know that you love me." I state. "I know you love me, and you know it too. You are angry and hurt and I don't blame you. I take responsibility for my mistakes, and the first one being your tank top. I am sorry I pushed you physically, after you specifically told me your boundary." I start to get emotional. The guilt is eating at me.
Tris's brows furrow. I can tell she is thinking. I continue, "I betrayed you, and I'm sorry. I thought I was showing you love, not physically hurting you, or even assaulting you, by pushing you into something you didn't want to do. I will never forgive myself for that. Ever."
"Stop. Just stop. Tobias…" she looks pained for a moment. "You didn't do that to me, I don't believe you are capable of that. You did push up my tank top, and yes, I had told you not to earlier. BUT, I clearly remember that you looked at me and waited for my ok, and I gave it to you non-verbally. So, no, you didn't abuse me in anyway. I am not upset because you pushed up my shirt and then kissed my scar. I know I could have stopped you at any moment. So, let that go. I don't want you to carry that guilt. It isn't fair. Ok? Do you understand?" she asks firmly.
I let out a huge sigh of relief, and nod my head. But then then I don't know what the hell happened this morning. We were going to make love and then she was suddenly so upset and angry.
"Tobias, when you said the word 'beautiful' and kissed me… it was exactly what my Tobias had done with me the night we made love. It just brought me back to the fact that I just don't love you. I don't even really like you," she says.
Her words hit me like a punch to the gut. My heart is breaking. Tears start to fall down my cheeks, and I quickly wipe them away. Tris clears her throat, she seems uncomfortable. At least she doesn't seem to be enjoying this.
"I owe you an apology. I used you. I used you this morning because I wanted to have sex, and then never see you again. I'm not going on a work trip, Tobias. I am leaving for good. We will probably never see each other again, at least that's my hope," Tris whispers the last part.
What? What is she talking about? She is leaving? "I don't understand."
She looks up at me, and I desperately search her eyes for answers.
"I accepted a new life in Providence. I am going to start over. I'm not even sure what I will end up doing. They have amazing schools, my options are endless," she breathes. She looks happy for a moment. I feel my heart breaking.
I desperately try again. "I can come with you. I would do that for you, Tris. I can find another job. We can both start over together." I search her face desperately.
It takes her a moment before she frowns. "You are making this really hard. Please, just listen to me. The most important part of my new life – will be getting away from you."
My mouth falls open and small cry escapes my lips. She means it, I see the resolve in her face, she is calm. As she told me earlier, she is done.
I take a step back from her, she wraps her arms around her chest.
"So this morning, in my apartment…in my bed…" I can't even finish my sentence.
Tris reminds me that she was honest and clear with what we were doing together. And she's right, I just didn't believe her. I chose not to believe her.
She was using me. I stupidly assumed she loved me. I'm such a fool.
"I need a new start, I want that. Please, try to understand. I just…I just don't ever want to see you again. I do hope you have a good life, Tobias. I really do. I just don't want to see it, or think about it." She whispers the last part.
I am rendered speechless. I never knew that someone would have the power to make me feel so bad.
She reaches out and squeezes my hand one time, I look down at our last physical connection.
"Tobias, you need to let me go. You need to move on with your life." She lets go of my hand and then turns and walks away.
I watch her leave, thinking about her words. And then I remember – it is almost exactly what I said to her earlier this week when we fought outside of the cafeteria.
As I watch her pass security, the guard scanning her ticket. I feel a surge of energy. I can't let this end like this. I run up to the front of the line, I beg the guard to let me through. I need to tell her I am sorry, and I if we can both just put the past behind us, there is still hope.
"Tris!" I scream her name. She turns back to look at me while frowning.
The guards immediately stop me, calling for backup. They tell me that there is no way I am getting to Providence without special permission. With the issues of the Rebels, travel needs to be approved for vital reasons and it not just granted for recreational purposes. When I look back to see her, she is gone. She just kept walking, taking my broken heart with her.
+o+++o+
After an hour of just standing there just watching all the people walk by, coming and going. I silently turn and begin walking home. I have been awake for well over twenty-four hours now, and it is starting to wear on me.
My mind is bombarded with memories of exchanges with Tris during the last several months. In the beginning I felt a burden, I was getting pressure from all sides. Everyone wanting me to just be with her. And then there were moments that I got to spend a little bit of time with her, especially if we were alone - - and she made me smile. She made me happy. I felt like myself then, too.
There are also the times she was in distress. Whether she was anxious or hurting, or when she was in actual physical danger… And during those situations… I feel like I was lifting myself out of a fog of sorts. Looking back now, I see it so clearly, I have been in love with her all along. Even if I didn't or couldn't admit it to myself, I loved her in all those moments. I would have put her ahead of anyone. Myself included. I would have died for that girl.
So the next logical question… In my worst moments, my cruelest moments, why did I treat her so poorly? I try to think back to some of these instances where I was such a monster to her.
The earliest one was the day after that awkward dinner where I saw Luke Clark for the first time. I just remember seeing her in the control room at my work. And I just…I could not stand the sight of her. At that point, I was no longer jealous of Luke. I can admit I felt jealous at dinner when he asked her out on a date right in front of the entire table. But no – the day of the first rebel attack. I felt so detached, and so angry at her. But I can't pinpoint why I was angry.
Then I think about Chicago. Our time there was amazing. Looking back now, I knew deep down I was in love with her. It was much more than just a physical attraction. But under those circumstances, I was just trying to keep her alive and safe. When we parted, I did feel sad because I assumed she was reuniting with Luke.
It is after getting back to Chicago that I just can't reconcile. I can't pinpoint it. Again, I just hated her. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room as her. I cringe when I remember how she sweetly came by apartment asking me to go with her to see John's wife. God, I was the one that had offered to go with her. It was my idea. But when she knocked on my door, I was actually annoyed it was her and not the pizza guy. Again – for the life of me, I don't know why I felt as strongly as I did. And so negative.
Finally, I think about our last fight. I was in the same fog from the night before. When I saw her screaming at Nita and getting physical, I just reacted. I didn't hurt Tris physically… but I may as well have. I was a complete jerk to her. The things I said to her. That was the moment she stopped loving me, I know it. She said it herself, she even slapped me across the face.
I cringe remembering our fight. I hurt her, I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to feel bad. I wanted her to feel my pain. But why? I don't have an answer to that question.
The Fear Landscape and Zeke. I had completely forgotten all about that. I need to talk to Zeke and see if that is at all related to these memory lapses or changes in me. I am just so tired right now. I need to clear my mind and sleep.
I am finally home, I go straight to my room and lay in my bed. Tears fill my eyes as I allow myself to replay the moments with Tris earlier today. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I losing my mind? Maybe I am a sick person. Maybe Tris was smart to get the hell away from me.
+o+++o+ Chapter End +o+++o+
