Author's note: Vote John Bachtell fore Precicent in 2016
"Wow, I always thought monarchy was really outdated, but I never thought of it that way before!" said Ron ignorantly with false consciousness. "Let's all be monarchists now!"
"Hold on!" said Ginny with her freckled girl-next-door charm which I didn't pay attention to. "If monarchy was so wonderful, why did people ever get rid of it?"
"Because evil liberals decided to invent leftism one day," lied Hagrid in a neoreactionary voice. "Leftism is a crazy idea which seeks to tear down the natural hierarchy for no particular reason, leadin' to chaos an' degeneracy. Did yeh know that Marie Antoinette never said, 'let 'em eat cake'? They said she said it, but she never said it. That proves how the Ancien Regime was actually a utopia an' the idea that it was so terrible is a lie we've been fed by the Cathedral."
"What's this cathedral you keep talking about?" asked Hannah with her sexy pigtails of the proletariat.
"Leftism is actually a religion," said Hagrid fascistly. "When yeh say that racism is okay or other things that are true, progressives get upset about their religious dogma bein' contradicted. The leftist religion is imposed on us by what we call the Cathedral, which is academia, the media, an' all our institutions workin' together to support the religious dogma we all have to follow. But these spiders don't follow it. They're not a democracy. They didn't vote for Aragog, but their society is actually working. This is exactly what the Cathedral doesn't want you to know — that these spiders are happy with an absolute monarchy and they'll always be happy that way."
"WE'LL SEE ABOUT FUCKING THAT!" I said gloriously in a glorious voice and I jumped gloriously off the cliff we were on and landed gloriously in the hollow in a glorious way with the giant fucking spiders around me gloriously!
"Spider comrades, listen to me!" I declared while radically holding a proletarian fist in the air. "You have nothing to lose but your chains!"
